It must be for real cause now I can feel.

Homesick. I say homesick because she is my home. One thing I've noticed that I do over the years is when I find something or someone, or some people that I can call my own, I tend to say, "I wanna go home" even when I'm in my physical home...because I consider these things or these people my home...she's my home. She has my heart...home is where the heart is...so freaking corny, but also so freaking true.

On my way home it was pouring rain and was windy...but the sun was blaringly bright and in my face...makes driving difficult...but the outcome was a pretty rainbow in the darkened sky which I saw just as I was pulling onto my street. Made me think of you.

So on my breaks I read this book: Smashed Story of a Drunken Girlhood by Koren Zailckas. Every time I am walking back into the building I find myself narrating what I'm doing and what's going on around me the way Koren does in her book. (I walked into the bathroom at work and above each toilet is a sign that reads "Please be neat and wipe the seat." Sure it's clever and the sign has a cute picture...but why did they have to put it there? Wondering this makes me cringe.) This also makes me wish I could record my thoughts because by the time I get home they're gone.

I'm jealous of Stephanie's writing. It's real, it's what I've lost somehow, as if I don't think at all anymore.

I spend my breaks alone and I basically spend my lunch alone. I smoke in my car...but I'm hating smoking now. All it's ever been is a link to her and it will forever remain that to me, but now I don't feel like smoking unless I'm with her or occasionally on the phone with her. I won't get rid of my cigarettes but I think I'm done smoking. I'm quitting something I rarely do anyway...bit funny...but then technically I'm not really quitting. The taste has just been gross lately where I usually enjoy the flavor of the ones I have.

I used to think all the time...so now I just wonder what the hell I do all the time that's taking the place of thinking. Maybe it's all just thoughts that aren't worth holding onto, with the exception of my thoughts about her because those do stick with me and those are worth thinking but I know there has to be something else going on in my head.

I can't wait to move from here. I feel like if I can move, I can grow. It'll force me to find another job, it'll force me to adapt to a new environment and while all of that kind of stuff terrifies me, it's exciting and incredibly appealing. What I do miss is someone taking care of me and certain things for me. I mean you grow up depending on your parents, well in most cases at least. I feel I got kind of cheated in the sense that yes, my parents did encourage me to become independent and do things for myself...but mostly it was my mom just telling me what to do without ever really guiding me through...though in her defense I know as a teenager I wasn't really open to hearing that sort of thing let alone allowing her to show me how to go about doing things. Of course I'm aware that if I had been smart enough and humble enough, I would have asked for that sort of guidance...but I never knew I needed it. I was glad to have my step-dad's help with getting my car repaired. My own father didn't even offer up help in the way that Stan did. I'm just worried about having to take care of myself in the bigger ways that I'm not completely used to having to do it. Growing up blows massively...but there's always something shiny and bright pulling you forward making you forget that growing up sucks...but then, if you're me, there's always some huge downfall after you get far enough ahead that reminds you why you hate life. *sigh* I suppose that's enough for now. I know I have things to look forward to and that's what I'm going to attempt to keep my focus on. I'm getting out of this town, I'm going to be with her, my love. She's helped me grow already and I know she's going to be a driving force in my life helping me grow even more, especially since she won't allow me to be so hard on myself all the time and well, she makes me happy and I've never felt this happy...least not that I can remember, you know? There is actually a light out there, it's something I can easily see, as I've been in this dark pit for too many years.

I love you.

"Don't let the days go by"