Just another day

What can I say that's not too redundant yet? It's not as if I have an incredibly busy schedule or anything, not as if I do anything of great interest either.

Found out today that the neck pain I experience followed by nausea and a headache is quite possibly a migraine...yay me. I always thought migraines were more intense, not to say that the pain I experience isn't intense...just with the exception of minor whining do to the annoyance of pain...I suppose I handle pain well. Of course it does occur to me there can be different types (?) of migraines as well. I find when these "headaches" of mine come on I really need to be sitting or laying down. I already can't stand for long periods of time because I tend to feel winded when I do so and just get to feeling kinda funny, but with the "headaches" I get dizzy right away and the pain is greater. I feel like such a wuss. I haven't really had any sort of headache in a while and now it seems almost daily since last week. It also can't be good that I pop Tums before work just to make sure my stomach will be okay all day, not even in relation to the nausea from the "headaches", can it?

Ugh, and I've been getting foot cramps a lot, not frequently or anything just at sporadic times...but I almost never get foot cramps and now...well I was in the bathroom and got one...that was hard. *Sigh* maybe I'm dying, I mean faster than the usual rate.

Today is full on day one of "I-only-have-one-friend-in-town-day". He called me up asking if we could hang out later. I basically told him I'm up for it. Honestly I'd rather stay home in my "hole", secluded and in my comfort zone (as much comfort as being by myself in my room can allow for). But I get the feeling that without Robert, he's a bit lost in a sense. It's of course hard to gauge though, as C doesn't seem to really need people the way I feel I do, and if he does, he is really good at hiding it. C called yesterday while I was out of town looking to hang out, sounded as miserable as he said he was. I felt bad, well I would for anyone, but for C in general, it's rare I get to "see"/see him that way and not get hit with some shit too. I mean bad moods...we don't always treat those around us too well depending...yeah, I'm not trying to bash C so I'm done. I just feel bad because I'm out of it and feeling totally alone but I know if I need him, C's here...but he's got to be feeling some kind of shit too...Robert did leave him behind as well and Robert seemed an integral part of C's day.

Also, another lame attempt perhaps...I miss M. She won't acknowledge anything I do or "say". Perhaps I was given false information? Not to rat out C but it seems obvious he's in the middle and if anything is trying to help. I'd not take anything he told me to be said maliciously, nor would I use what he's said in a malicious way. So M, I need some sort of a sign before I decide I've really fucked things up beyond the point of no return. C made me think there was hope as you ask about me from time to time. Since the beginning of this...falling out...I've thought about you, I've wondered about you, I've definitely cared about what's going on with you, most of which I find out second hand - part of which is my own fault, I know. I don't/hadn't called you because you don't like talking on the phone and I'm not in the mood to put someone who doesn't like it in that position, along with the fact that we've not really spoken in awhile and it'd just be more awkward on top of your not liking the phone. I wish you'd email me, the way you, C, and I used to do in the past. I felt like it was a little newsletter to an exclusive club or something. Do you know how often I've just wanted to drive out to your house and...well...I don't know what I'd do but it's not like I've gotten that far - I worry bout your schedule cause it's not just school anymore. It's work, it's temping, it's gyming, it's hanging with Ch... That blog post you read and responded to angrily...you took it wrong, well I suppose I'd have taken it the same way but...ugh...remember after I moved out...I had no one...S's kinda been with me from that point on, straight through...so yeah...I'm not sure if that clarifies anything for you, I doubt it makes it better. It wasn't even a complaint in that post, in fact I was happy with having the two of them...I wouldn't have known to include anyone else as you and I have been...estranged since August...you got offended at something you'd already pointed out to me a dozen or more times, we're not close friends right now (if you still consider us friends at all)...was it wrong to not have listed you? I'm sorry, as I've said a million times, I can say it no more. I do love you, I need a fucking sign.

S, congratulations on the end of (work related)probation. (Didn't want that to look bad lol.) It's about damn time huh? Tread a little harder on those eggshells now? You do sound amazing at what you do, I know you're not the type to brag in a "look at me, look at me" sort of way, but more of a "wow, look what I can do" sort of thing (least I hope it's more like that :P). Glad you had a decent time at that dinner as well, I'd have been bobbing my head right along with you lol, as I don't absorb that kind of knowledge easily if at all. Love you.

My love, I am proud of you for your test scores, I'm jealous of how well you did because I'm terrified of how I'll do when my time comes. Accomplishments are a big deal doesn't matter how small they are, so no matter what, you do deserve a "good job/congratulations" something of that sort at minimum. I'm surprised anyone can just be all "blah" about it. I love you, I miss you.