Happy New Year...yeah right. My grandmother just called the cops and told them that her caregiver is holding her against her will. My grandmother cannot walk on her own, certainly cannot drive, can't really do anything without assistance anymore...and now, my mom has to go out there and take care of her because the caregiver is refusing to stay there any longer. Fucking hell. Would that demented old woman just...go! She's wanted to be dead for years, I can't go out there and ask her how she is without her saying something along the lines of, "just waiting for the clock to run out." She doesn't want to be here so just...take her.

Knew it couldn't last...

Semi-fight with my mom when I got home tonight. She smelled smoke on me...she jokingly asked, "been smoking again eh?" (mind you, she's not aware I do it...only just started some time this past summer/fall). I replied, "of course" or something of that nature. She mentioned something about smoking again, I had to lie and say Cody does...well he does smoke but I do too and so does my girlfriend...Cody wasn't with us tonight but she can't know I was out with my girlfriend for incredibly fucked up reasons. Sorry Cody. So then she said something about smoking in my car and I said "yes." Then of course she said outright, "No." Well..."it's my car"...she walked off...came back like a minute later "blah blah second hand smoke blah blah." "I know Mom, I'm not stupid, I've heard about it for years." "You come in here and bring it with you, you're exposing us all to second hand smoke when you do that...you've been given a free ride, you didn't register for classes for the upcoming quarter, maybe you want to move out." I had to not react to her cause that's the only way it ends. I almost cried but that's not all to do with here...I almost cried about two other times today as well.

Saw The Pursuit of Happyness (the y is intentional so I'm not a retard that's the actual title spelling for those of you who're unaware). Got me thinking..."where did I go wrong?" My parents were never "discouraging" as it were, but they were never "encouraging" either. Well my dad seems to be a bit and my step-mom as well...my brother even too...but it's too little too late you know?

I almost had it in my head that I'd be better off back where I was...six...seven? years ago. I hated it there, I'm sure it would have ultimately killed me or had a helping hand in me killing myself, but I was safe, I was secure, I was taken care of. No one through it in my face that I wasn't in school, my jobs were easy enough and not too demanding though some times they felt as if they were, I was taken care of. I didn't have to worry about money and generally, if I wanted something I could have it...but I stuck to trying to get what I needed rather then wanted cause it wasn't my money anymore.

I don't feel like I have the ability to take care of anyone properly...I can't even do that for myself.

Sacrifice. I don't think I'm in a position at this pint in time to make a sacrifice that's not going to yield positive and instant/semi-instant results. Then I thought, "people have made sacrifices for me...but I've not asked for them, in fact I've begged they not be made becauseof/for me." Then of course I analyzed that line of thinking a bit more...people don't necessarily make sacrifices for you expecting they'll get them in return (though most times you know they do). They're made kind of as a "sign" of sorts to show you that you're trusted...the door has been open for you to do the same but not necessary that you do so. They can also be looked at as someone saying, "hey, I trust you, I'm going to do this for you." But at the moment it's not an issue of trust necessarily. If anything a lack of trust in my own self. I'm not "stable" in who I am at the moment...a long recovery...I fuck things up left and right still...just not as much as I used to.

Eh, that's all that I have in my head that I can voice right now. The rest will just have to wait until I have time, and can sort the thoughts out.

Peace out ya'll.

I'm going to tear myself apart, I just have to figure out where and how to start.








"This feeling of despair is never wearing out"

Doubts, sinking in from all around
And I don't know how to be anything but myself
I don't even know how to be that to be honest
I want to stop freaking out about consequences
The kind where I worry about everyone I'm going to hurt
The kind that have me doing what I find best for everyone but me
But it's never clear what's best for me...so I'll never know
Do I take this road...or that one?

"every day trying to make up for the one before
climb three flights to tremble at the sight of your already open door
the frustration I see when I tell you I like some company
breaks my heart
how can you be so impartial?

and I've made myself the fool
who's fallen for you
so let me down softly this time and
I wont have to come back cryin'
I've just made myself look bad and
you're the one who should be feelin' bad
it'd be better to forget you
but I don't really want to
it'd be better to forget you
but I don't really want to

energy spent trying to believe you're not worth it
you don't deserve it
but I wish you did 'cause I can't live without this
and I'll remember you as the second or two
artists I knew who decided to screw me over
'cause it's the bolder thing to do"

"The Bolder Thing to Do" - Gregory and the Hawk

You make me nervous
No, I don't trust myself without you
You can't trust what your heart tells you
You want to ignore what your brain warns against

And you wouldn't even think to question me
But I put that doubt in your head so long ago
With midnight tales of how my life went wrong

I'll be the greatest disappointment you've ever had
I can't have you expecting the best from me
Because I can't deliver, I'll not live up to higher standards

Too many years of conditioning
Too many attempts to fall off that pedestal

I am what I do, what I say, and what I feel
He argued against it so I had to prove him wrong

I've perfected the ability to do the wrong thing
Oh I'm the cleverest girl, I know
I must prove to you that all I know to do is disappoint
It's not a way to live, I know
It's not fair to anyone but I suppose I'm just selfish that way
Forgive me if you can but it's the only way I know to live

It should be so easy to quit just for you
All the things I need to survive should take a backseat
There was a time I thought I'd never have what those songs are all about
You should be enough for me, you could be the best thing
But I'll be the worst mistake you ever made

I go where the comfort takes me
It used to be your arms
But you're so far away
Waved good-bye and left me here
I know it's not fair, and I never intend to blame you

Now I find solace in places that aren't here
In places where I can't think too hard
Where missing you can't trap me
Where I can unwind just a little bit
Just let the knots I've been tying fray and fall away
It (she) helps me, you know
Fills the spot where you left a hole
It's (she's) no replacement, it's (she's) no you
But damn it, it (she) holds me tight

I thought we'd never part
You were going to be my fresh start
Opened my eyes and made me more true to myself than I've ever known I could be
You were the only thing I required, but
I put my life's happiness on your shoulders
I depended on you to keep me happy and sane, when that was never your job
It should be so easy to stand on my own
But here I stand, wishing I could hide in my own shadow

I fell apart, crushed and crumbled to my knees
I'm stronger when I'm weak
The unsatisfying familiarity
This darkness is what I know, sadly, it's home

I can't hold on to anyone as long as I'd like to...seems all the people I have instant, awesome connections with have to move along sooner than I'd prefer. Story of my life...I stay behind...I can't keep up..."well I lagged behind so you got ahead."

I can't make promises or guarantees...I never felt I could to begin with. This journey I've been on...scares the shit out of me. I'm in pain, not just cause I'm sick but because I've hurt people and I can't handle doing that.

I don't know what I want to do. I can't say I won't be tempted by outside things I can't say I'll never question whether I want something else or not. Deep down...I do blame you for leaving, though we've discussed your reasons and come to the conclusion that it wouldn't matter whether you were here or there...that we'd not be able to see each other.

I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anyone. You called me a heart breaker... I should be alone...I hate being alone but I should be because then I can't hurt anyone. You want answers I can't give.

I can't ask you to move back here because ultimately, you wanted to be gone, you were happier leaving this town. I know you're not happy being away from me, but...love...I'm still incredibly afraid I'm not what you need.

I told you, I'm not someone who can be alone, that's no excuse for what I've done, but it's the truth...I don't do well alone.

How can you still want to be with me? I don't get it. It's like I have to test shit, I have to have real proof that I deserve what I have...and sometimes I just push too fucking hard for that proof. I told you I'm having a hard time remembering us.

Being sick and having all this...other stuff...to think about...just makes everything so much more real...I'm faced with the truth that there's no one to come to my rescue no matter how hard I want someone to. You're 3000 miles away and I need someone here and now to hold me to show me... I'll wait for you, but I'm worried I'll never budge. I'm worried that maybe I can't ever be any one's. I don't deserve to be. I love you...but how is it that I've done this to you, to us if I love you? I've missed you for so long.

I don't want to be here anymore, not here in this town...just...not here anymore...no longer in existence.

How did I switch so fast? How did I allow myself that moment of weakness? How did I lose touch? Why did you go? Why? Too many questions that I'll never have answers to, you want answers and I can't give them. You deserve better, what if I can't be what you want or what you need?

Being alone is a bitch...

Being physically, mentally, and emotionally alone AND sick...just makes me wish even harder that I were no longer around.

Everyone I know goes away in the end

There's no one here
I'm not where I want to be
And I'm not even sure I know where that is

This is so far, the loneliest day of my life

"So this is odd,
the painful realization that all has gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by
a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once
before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is the last time."

"This Brilliant Dance" - Dashboard Confessional

Hey, anyone out there...?
Have you ever felt like being dead, even when you're incredibly happy?