I love her.

So less than a month away from my birthday I sit here, outside on my frost covered porch, wish I could say that I'm thinking but really, I'm just...here. I'm not one to make plans, or I never really used to be. Last week I was going through my old journals I think the earliest date was some time in early 2003. Even then I felt I had no real future, no plans, no nothing. Since some time in October tiny plans came into place ones I was skeptical of, but more than anything I was scared. Scared because this was never anything I'd done. This year I hope to turn this around a bit more. I plan to move into an apartment with Cody, one of my best friends, and Lainey, my love. She wasn't going to be a part of this apartment business until she finished school in North Carolina. Now see...here come plans again. For my birthday I was going to fly to North Carolina from the 9th of February to the 18th. Some craziness came about and I was going to be bringing my girlfriend home with me, home for good, I was ecstatic, I mean come on! Though the circumstances of her homecoming were uncool, it was very necessary she move back, she's got so many people who care for her here, so many people who love her. More changes came about...and now, she's flying home Tuesday...the 30th of January. I wish I could be flying with her but the truth is she needs to be home ASAP she's not safe, she's just not in a good place. It's true, her parents here, her mother and her true father never really enjoyed the fact that I was dating their daughter (and that's putting it mildly I'm sure) but at the moment, we're seeing eye to eye. She needs to be home with us, home where we know she's safe.

This year is going to be the best birthday I've had in a long time. Having Valentine's Day as my birthday...and never having a true valentine...just makes for a not so great birthday. How do you truly enjoy a birthday on valentine's day when you've really got no one that close, no one to call your own? This year I have that and that's all I really need, to know I have her. I don't need or expect any gifts, she's it and now, knowing she's going to be here, in town, whether with me or not, it's seriously the best gift I could ask for at this point.

I don't know what the terms are going to be with her back. I know they've (her parents) said they don't care if she lives with them or with me, they just want to know she's safe and around people who love her and have her best interests at heart. I'm once again ecstatic that they've seen that I only want the best for her, it's all I've ever wanted for her, and hell, for anyone I've ever known.

I'm happy, here with my freezing fingers and Dashboard Confessional playing in the "background". I'm happy, she's going to be home safe in a matter of hours. I've never actually been more excited to be alive than I have been the last 6 or so months. I want to be a better person, I want to find out what it takes and do it. Now I know saying it isn't enough, and I know feeling it isn't enough either...but I do believe that with a little help and a whole lot of pushing...I'll get there one day.

I love you Lainey, so much. I wish I wasn't the first person to show you that you're worth everything.

Though I'm sure they'll not see this, Thank you Lainey's parents. I've wanted to say that for days though I'm still unsure of the reason, but of course, after the phone call from her father, I have more of a reason to thank you, thank you for trusting me.

Thank you to my friends...some of whom I've not spent much time with lately, but I know you're there and I sure hope you know I'm here. I love you guys.

I love you all.

So lately I've been remembering issues I used to have and how I'd analyzed them and discovered meaning in them. A few years ago I noticed that shouting and arguing used to put me on edge, be it on TV or in person, I'd just get uncomfortable. Realized it had to do with my parents always fighting...but then I became the shouter in arguments and apparently that cured me...now in my calm state once more...I've noticed I become incredibly agitated when I hear shouting and loud arguing again.

Also, I have a hard time doing new things in front of my friends and loved ones, always have. I believe it goes hand in hand with my being afraid to ask for help...all stemming from my childhood. My dad wasn't very good at helping me with my homework and such, he'd always get too frustrated with me, he'd shout and I guess there were a few times he used to pin me up against the wall.

I'm almost 25 and these issues are still with me...please tell me I'm not crazy. Please tell me I'm not insane for the path I've chosen so far. I know I don't have a clue of where I'm going, but I know where I am now and to me...that's far more important at the moment.

I'm being judged unfairly by people who don't know me and this bothers me more than anything. I'm always hearing how I'm a good person and how everyone loves me right away so what's the deal with the harsh, unfair judgement by people who don't know me as I am but know me from gossip and general mistrust of my age?

Sorry, this was all rather scattered...and I'm probably sounding rather scatter-brained myself, just had to get it all out there.