I need somewhere to go. I'm feeling anxious, like if I had somewhere to go, I'd jump in my car and go there. Maybe if my mom wasn't home I'd go for a run. I feel like bawling, like laying in the dark with music blaring, singing along, crying, screaming, beating the shit out of the walls with my fists. I picture myself walking around in the dark, alone. I was watching TV earlier had the lights on and was laying in bed. Had to turn all of that off and put on a dvd to calm myself in some way. I feel tired but unable to sleep. I need to belong somewhere. It's eating me alive.

I miss you.

From left to right: My grandma, technically, I miss her, not the her who's not really there, my mom holding me, and my grandpa.

It occured to me upon seeing what the date was that it's been twelve years since my grandpa passed away. I'm over it in the sense that I don't fall to pieces every time I think of him. Years ago I'd be out of it for months on end just over the loss of him. I miss him tons, especially now with what's going on with my grandma but I'm okay.

My cousins, brother, and I used to help him feed the animals on the farm everyday that we were out at my grandparents. I was his buddy for the longest time, it was great, something to be cherished, but unfortunately something I'm gradually forgetting.

I worry that I'm not something for him to be proud of. I never got to know him in the grown up way. Never learned what he expected of people, hell of his kids and grandkids. Of course after having five daughters what could his standards possibly be? I know guys aren't always clear about how they feel, and I know that even my paternal grandfather who is still alive is stubborn but now very clear on how he feels about his only grandchildren (myself and my brother), but both of my maternal grandparents aren't that clear. I'm pretty sure, and would like to believe, that he cherished us. He taught us a lot of things that might never come in handy, after all, how much can you teach a child that's going to stay with them forever? I know, there are life lessons and such but those aren't all of what I'm refering to.

The very last time I spoke with him, he had called to see if we needed anything from the store, I told him that we didn't and said goodbye. It never occurs to you that that's going to be the last time you speak with someone, that that's going to be your last goodbye. And it certainly doesn't occur to a twelve year old child who's never actually lost anyone aside from a divorce between her parents. Looking back, it seems odd that he called to ask us that, I mean as far as I know, he never did that. Eh, for all I know he did do that for us, I was just never the one to answer the phone.

Regardless, I'm doing okay, just so long as I don't look at too many pictures and think on it for too long. I hope my grandma has no clue of what day it is, of course I wonder how many people in my family will actually remember.

I miss things

Sleepovers are fun, I don't care how old I get, I think I will always enjoy a good sleepover.
Childish things keep me grounded and sane.
Music, all the time, I want music.
Friends
Love
Warm kisses

I want to get back into shape, I want to spend all my free time with friends, I'm not sure it's possible and I'm not sure if they'd tolerate me that often.

Free at last, at least physically

I’m angry. Angry with how life goes, angry with growing old, angry with realizations, and angry with responsibility. I’m the one with no job and nothing to do all day so I was dubbed as the best choice for “babysitting” my grandma. Now that I’ve watched her for just these few days, I’m linked. Linked to the worry, linked to pain and frustration, linked to the loss. It hurt so badly when I lost my grandfather that I’ve distanced myself from the potential loss of my grandmother. Well that’s all gone awry. I find myself thinking all the caregivers are going to run away, I mean my grandmother has been rather, well, bitchy lately and it’s not how I remember her being, ever. I’m being paid to do this, and being paid well, but that’s the least of my worries, though my mother and one of my aunts keeps telling me to “think of the money.” I can’t do that. All I can think of is the emotional trauma I feel like I’m being put through. I can’t abandon her, my friends, with my benefit in mind, curse my family, as I’ll admit I did as well. But it’s no more their fault than my grandmothers. Sure, I wish I hadn’t been the one watching her these last few days, but in a way, it is my duty. It is my belief that this duty rests firstly on my mother and her four sisters (though I would never, ever trust my youngest aunt with the duty of taking care of my grandmother). I am the eldest of five grandchildren and a few months ago I was given the task of sitting with my grandmother during the day for about a week and for some reason when she was asked by a psychologist what my she was looking for in a caregiver, my grandmother replied with, “Megan.” Go me, oh yay… Just those few hours a day wore me out, had me going to bed early when I really didn’t have much to do all day to watch her. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like for me when I can finally go home after watching her for 24 hours a day for a few days. I have had a few emotional breakdowns and I know my arms should be sore. I’ve had to support my grandmother’s weight a few times daily and my arms wind up all shaky but no soreness yet. She knows she’s losing her memory, state the fact herself, and most times she confuses things she’s seen and done in the past with what’s going on now. She continues to argue daily that someone is trying to or has cut down the apple trees in the front yard, at one point she even said, “I hope they fall off the ladder,” and when I’ve told her no one is doing any such thing she tells me that she can show me the saw dust, which is really impossible as she hasn’t been out of the house except for when I’ve wheeled her to and from the car. She keeps rearranging things on the table where she sits and on the makeshift table next to her recliner, just constant, unnecessary rearranging. It’s all killing me inside, in my head I keep begging for my grandmother to come back to me, but now that I’ve been watching her, I don’t remember what she used to be like, I can’t see the slightest glimpse of her. She pretty much can’t walk, she was in better shape physically before she went to California, but we’re guessing my aunt who lives down there didn’t make her walk, and when she gets overwhelmed she doesn’t seem to be able to think clearly. I’m losing my patience and my mind. 8 o’clock isn’t coming fast enough. I need to leave; I need to escape what my grandma cannot.

To my friends: Spending what little time I had with you on Sunday was a greater help then you might realize. Regardless of the fact that I was near tears and probably rather depressing, the two of you provided a shelter of sorts, a place where I could physically show how I was feeling. I can only hope I didn’t do wrong by you in acting the way I did. Thanks you two, I love you guys, and yes, you’re still the voices in my head.



I'm finally home now and trying to get the words "do not resucitate" out of my head...

Something I need to survive...


~Touch~
Much like a child needs it. I like my hair "played" with. Just fingers run through it I suppose. I get weak for this, just instantaneously relax. Maybe because it's been awhile since I've had something like that, dunno. Same with my face. Just to have someone's hand gently hold my face I melt.

My mom used to lightly scratch my back when I was a baby, that's how she'd get me to go to sleep. And when I was a bit older she used to just scratch it for me and there I'd go, relaxed.

In a way, I'm a cuddler. I loved to cuddle up to someone's back, to press my forehead or face up to someone's back, scrunch up low enough of course. Something reassuring about it. Much the way some people feel secure being held, I mean even I do, but for me, pressing up against someone's back is security to me. Doesn't make sense I suppose.

Just a simple thing. Babies develop faster and better with touch, but I don't think it ends there. Even in "Live as a House" Kevin Kline's character hadn't been touched in a very long time (perverts can stop reading now because I wasn't referring to any dirty type of touch). A nurse touches his face and you can just see how he's missed it and needed it. We still need it so that we can be healthy, it's my belief. That's my odd little rant out of nowhere.

Happy Valentine's Day.

So, it hailed tonight/this morning. And like a giddy little girl I ran outside on our back porch every time I heard it kick up. On my face was plastered what I like to hope is a very cute little grin. I took my hat outside to catch hail. A lot of it bounced out but I couldn't stop grinning. Then it would start to hail a whole lot harder and I'd run back inside or under cover. I made a few hail-men, so not as much fun as snow-men, but easier.

Here on the west coast I've been 24 for two whole hours now. My mom gave me Valentino here so soft and so cute.



Lunch with my dad later today, an annual tradition, usually it's a dinner, but we bumped it up a bit. No other plans, heck I don't even know if there's going to be a cake *shrug* I suppose that's how it goes. I just want to feel special for crying out loud...you know what I mean?



At the moment I'm quite content, surprisingly. I don't really despise Valentine's day, I just wish I had someone special in general. Sure it could be viewed as just some stupid day that was thought up to sell more junk. But even though I'm not too thrilled with the day, it's just a special day to show that someone special that you're thinking about them even more. Or a day to chase down that someone you've been stalking and say, "hey, be mine!" just kidding of course, I don't condone stalking... I dunno, I believe as Luisa does that you should say it every day, that you don't need Valentine's day for that, but at the same time, it's a special day, show it some more. Show it with everything you've got. I don't need a lot. I'm not in need of fancy jewelry, I'm simple. I just want love. I want to see it, feel it, have it, give it. Don't get me wrong, jewelry is pretty, I love my simple little diamond earrings my mom gave me and on occasion wear a necklace. But those stupid adds for jewelry 'show her with this' kind of crap. You don't need jewelry to show someone you love them. To me, that's not what it takes. Cute little stuffed animals are great too, but a cute guy to cuddle up to is tons better!

Ah, I guess that's all for now.

"Pretend you love me for an hour/to end the worst of all my days/nurse my wounds and ease my crying..."

"However far away, I will always love you/However long I stay, I will always love you/Whatever words I say, I will always love you/I will always love you"

"I need love, love's divine/please forgive me now I see that I've been blind/give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name"

"Faint light of dawn/I'm listening to you breathing in and out/Needing nothing/You're honey dipped/You are beautiful, floating clouds, soft world..."

And I could so go on...and might...some other time...*sigh*

5 more days until doomsday...er, my birthday

So, what is in my head right now...my mom's words, "You're almost a quarter of a century old and what do you have to show? I had more to show at that age than you do now." Ok, I know she means well but come on! But she's right, all that I seemed to have achieved is no longer of significance *shrugs*. I'm on a really slow path to nowhere. *Sob* And two of my friends who are a few years younger than I am have dreams of a band, well they're definitely more than dreams, but the point is, there seems to be more hope for things when you're younger (depending on how your life treats you I suppose). And all I can do is sit here and wonder, "what made me this way?" I used to be a hard worker, not a genius or anything but smart enough. Now, now I feel stupid, like my brain has gone to waste. I know what I should do, but I just simply don't. A majority of me is scared shitless to do anything. I'm terrified of getting a job and what I'll have to do to get said job. I'm terrified to go back to school because I have no freaking clue who to talk to, or what I'll have to do. Gah! There has got to be some medical term for what's wrong with me. And what's with that? Now-a-days there's a freaking term for everything! and it's got me seeking something to blame the way I am. I'm not trying to be lazy, I hate the thought. I loved doing anything and everything I could, and now, I feel limited as to what that even means anymore.

I know what I want, but I won't go and get it because I'm scared, that's my life, summed right up for all to see.

And what am I going to do for my birthday? No significant other (as stated in a previous post) least not one who lives near me...not sure where that's going...anyway...no significant other, no job, no school...the bane of my families existence (did I even use that properly?).

*Sigh*, so, how is everyone?

Word to the wise, or the unwise, whatever. Never put Phil Collins on repeat! Never! Unless it's one of his happy Disney songs.

Stephanie, I don't even know if you read this anymore but you're scaring us all.