The weather outside is frightful

Just postin' some pics I took from our snow. I felt trapped at my dad's because of it, but once I got home, I loved it! It's so pretty! Our town is covered in white and it looks so surreal.

The beginning of the snow - part of my dad's back yard


Little more snow - part of my dad's front yard


Little more snow - 'nother part of my dad's front yard


Tons o' snow - clothesline at my mom's house


Tons o' snow - back porch at my mom's house


Tons o' snow - back porch steps at my mom's house


My snow angel (on the possible last night of snow) - back porch of my mom's

"Won't you cure my tragedy...

Don't take her smile away from me
She's broken and I'm far away"

"When I sit and think of the days we shared
and the nights you covered for me
Every little thing that I ever did
You would stand by me
Every time you cried it would take my wind
My heart would break
If I could be strong like you were for me
You are my faith"

"I can't take this anymore
I can't feel this anymore
Won't you take and give her pain to me
'Cause my whole life I've made mistakes
Can you hear me scream?"



Laying down on a side street like a bum
Living my life like I'm twenty-one
Smelling of stale cigarettes and spent liquor...

It's snowing like crazy and I'm stuck here, though I'm about to attempt going into town to drop some of my things off and prepare myself for being home (finally) after house/dog sitting for my dad.

I'm missing people more than ever today, I can't handle that.

She wants me to like myself more, scratch that, she wants me to love myself. She wants my friends, even the ones she doesn't care for, to show me that I matter. No, I wasn't shown this kind of thing when I was younger apparently not in the ways that it matters, so why does it matter so much now? I love myself enough to still be here...but then again maybe I'm too chicken to do anything drastic. The snow's pretty, time to go brave it and make my way home for a bit.

The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend"

Wish I could say that were true for me.

I'm depressed again, I can see that all too clearly now. I mean, I actually came out of it, it took me a bit to realize I was, but I finally recognized it. And now, well now I can see when it comes back on. All I want to do is crawl into bed and hide away. I want someone to take care of me, cause I fail at any attempts to take care of myself.

I want to be everything.
I want to be the one with all the answers.
I want to be the one who can take care of anyone, any time, no exceptions.
I want to do whatever it takes to be the one.
I want to be strong.

I don't feel like I'm any of the above.

"Come on Darlin' let's go back to bed"

Good Jewel lyric didn't want to take credit since the following is my poem but the title of the post is not my own. (Another good one...with one edit..."Get over here and warm my hands up, girl, it's you they love to hold")

Written November 15, 2006

Your hair is still everywhere
From those days spent in the sheets
(And the ones spent on them)
If your love is my drug
Then your sex is my much wanted overdose

The things I would do if you were here
Tear those clothes from your beautiful body
(They're over-rated)
Cover every inch of you with kisses too numerous to count
Before I cover you with my own flesh

All the sounds that slip from your lips to my ears
They tease me on and on to please
I wish my lips could be everywhere at once
So I could always have my eyes on yours
The intensity, oh what it does to me

I'd have you anywhere I could
No time would be wasted with you near me
This time apart makes my once great need unbearable
Our times together blend and play in my head
Torturing me, leaving me yearning for your touch

I long to reacquaint our bodies
To get to know every smooth curve, every line, every soft surface
All over again
It's been too long my love
Won't you please come home...

Initially written (literally) on Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Recall one of my more recent posts where I wrote that I wished I could record my thoughts? Well even if you don't (though you could scroll down and find out)...now you've got an idea.

I'm writing all this down to blog about later... I've got plenty of time to write though my hand will surely cramp due to it's inability to keep up with my rapid-fire thoughts (and tangents).

The power is out, I've heard the entire island is without. Some parts of the island lost power as early as three o'clock in the a.m. but here in town we lost it around noon.

I also heard our bridge is out and I'm sure the ferries aren't running either. Stranded. Stranded physically, stranded mentally with a lot of time to think which delves into too much time to analyze.

I had attempted to take a nap as I have time on my hands and simply because every morning all I ever want to do is go back to bed...and even though I need the money, weather like this has me praying for a power outage.

So as you can plainly deduct, I'm not napping. Had tried and I think I did catch a few minutes of shut-eye, but alas, a phone call interrupted. My grandma's caregiver for the day called to ask if I could pick up a pizza for them. Me forgetting the town's power outage went straight for the sad truth: that I have no money. How do I forget about the power outage? lol. I told her our power was out too, so pizza became a no-go. I was relieved I'd not have to go out there and see my grandma. The caregiver had to throw in, "I've been trying to call [the pizza place] but no one is answering. Our power's been out since 3 a.m. and all I've been thinking about is 'a pizza and some hot coffee would be nice.' Oh well, I guess we'll just have water, there's plenty of food but no way to prepare it." UGH! It occurred to me that my dad's got a gas stove and usually has tons of good leftovers, I could have called him up and sent him to her house. And though he's my grandma's ex-son-in-law, he'd probably have done it. I never called.

It's funny, the sun just came out. It's rather bright and out of place. The sky is dark and a storm is a-raging.

So after the phone call ended I curled back up in my (cold) bed. The house is always so cold on a regular basis, but usually I can find solace in bed with my electric blanket cranked up. Now I'm stranded without either of my two heat sources...her and my blanket.

Sirens are breaking the silence between gusts of wind. Gutters which had been fixed to not rattle in the wind are no match for the their strength today; their annoying vibrations are mixing with the creaking house (which feels like it's swaying).

Anyway, back in bed...well I mean back to the memory of me being back in bed...I got to thinking and I'm not sure what the first thought was about. The gist of it was me questioning why I love knowing who's calling, thank goodness for caller-ID on my cell phone. Though I'm fucked (not pleasantly) when I get a call from someone who isn't programmed in my phone, somehow they pose a threat. These calls trigger thoughts instantaneously, "Who do I know that could belong to this number?" "Why would anyone who's not programmed in my phone have reason to call me?" I hate answering the house phone as well (no caller-ID), I avoid this phone at all costs, usually just screen them and decide if I want to pick up or not.

I analyzed all of that. And my conclusion? My subconscious. I'm afraid of getting *THE* call. "Megan, there's been an accident" or "Megan, so-and-so is dead." Something dreadful along those lines.

Waiting for the bottom to drop out.
Relying on instinct from past experiences and stacks of negatives (cons) to prepare for the worst.

Years of negatives have me jaded. Just as easy as one of these phone calls could represent something bad, it could be someone calling with great or even mediocre news - but I don't think like that.

So, I don't like unknown calls because I'm afraid of what they could mean.

something happened at work yesterday that was rather entertaining...I wore my glasses without one lens without realizing...someone else pointed it out to me after I'd been wearing them for maybe two hours. I found it amusing as well so this isn't a bad thought.

I work with a whole lotta Filipino women and while they are rather chatty I was intimidated by them at first. Now a lot of people know my name at work and I don't even know some of them. This is also not a bad thing, I tend to get more, "Hi Megan" and such now.

A lot of people at work like me, or seem to at least. I can't grasp this idea. People like me. People like me? Heck, years after high school I found out more people knew me than I realized, not just knew me, liked me, just didn't like my then best friend.

It feels awesome to have people talking to me at work. Though part of it is them making jokes about my glasses lately lol, but I've made myself an easy target. I do get picked on, but not in a way that bothers me because it's more of a, "I like you so I pick on you" kind of thing. It's the quiet people at work that scare me. I'm sure it doesn't hurt that I do an awesome job, least they all say that, but all I can do ("is read a book to stay awake..." sorry song popped in my head) is be shocked. I'm doing my job, doing my best and working my hardest - as everyone should.

So yeah all of this (all four, soon to be almost five pages) is notes for a blog post which was only going to touch on two, maybe three topics. 1) my avoidance of phone calls, 2) people at work like me, and 3) the power outage. If the outage lasts much longer my hand will be dead and I'll have a million pages of word vomit to type out...or avoid typing since I managed to get my thoughts out in some manner.

Holy shit...the house is shaking.

I survived...power came back on around eight p.m. is what I'm hearing. C and I skipped town, it was fun.

Just another day

What can I say that's not too redundant yet? It's not as if I have an incredibly busy schedule or anything, not as if I do anything of great interest either.

Found out today that the neck pain I experience followed by nausea and a headache is quite possibly a migraine...yay me. I always thought migraines were more intense, not to say that the pain I experience isn't intense...just with the exception of minor whining do to the annoyance of pain...I suppose I handle pain well. Of course it does occur to me there can be different types (?) of migraines as well. I find when these "headaches" of mine come on I really need to be sitting or laying down. I already can't stand for long periods of time because I tend to feel winded when I do so and just get to feeling kinda funny, but with the "headaches" I get dizzy right away and the pain is greater. I feel like such a wuss. I haven't really had any sort of headache in a while and now it seems almost daily since last week. It also can't be good that I pop Tums before work just to make sure my stomach will be okay all day, not even in relation to the nausea from the "headaches", can it?

Ugh, and I've been getting foot cramps a lot, not frequently or anything just at sporadic times...but I almost never get foot cramps and now...well I was in the bathroom and got one...that was hard. *Sigh* maybe I'm dying, I mean faster than the usual rate.

Today is full on day one of "I-only-have-one-friend-in-town-day". He called me up asking if we could hang out later. I basically told him I'm up for it. Honestly I'd rather stay home in my "hole", secluded and in my comfort zone (as much comfort as being by myself in my room can allow for). But I get the feeling that without Robert, he's a bit lost in a sense. It's of course hard to gauge though, as C doesn't seem to really need people the way I feel I do, and if he does, he is really good at hiding it. C called yesterday while I was out of town looking to hang out, sounded as miserable as he said he was. I felt bad, well I would for anyone, but for C in general, it's rare I get to "see"/see him that way and not get hit with some shit too. I mean bad moods...we don't always treat those around us too well depending...yeah, I'm not trying to bash C so I'm done. I just feel bad because I'm out of it and feeling totally alone but I know if I need him, C's here...but he's got to be feeling some kind of shit too...Robert did leave him behind as well and Robert seemed an integral part of C's day.

Also, another lame attempt perhaps...I miss M. She won't acknowledge anything I do or "say". Perhaps I was given false information? Not to rat out C but it seems obvious he's in the middle and if anything is trying to help. I'd not take anything he told me to be said maliciously, nor would I use what he's said in a malicious way. So M, I need some sort of a sign before I decide I've really fucked things up beyond the point of no return. C made me think there was hope as you ask about me from time to time. Since the beginning of this...falling out...I've thought about you, I've wondered about you, I've definitely cared about what's going on with you, most of which I find out second hand - part of which is my own fault, I know. I don't/hadn't called you because you don't like talking on the phone and I'm not in the mood to put someone who doesn't like it in that position, along with the fact that we've not really spoken in awhile and it'd just be more awkward on top of your not liking the phone. I wish you'd email me, the way you, C, and I used to do in the past. I felt like it was a little newsletter to an exclusive club or something. Do you know how often I've just wanted to drive out to your house and...well...I don't know what I'd do but it's not like I've gotten that far - I worry bout your schedule cause it's not just school anymore. It's work, it's temping, it's gyming, it's hanging with Ch... That blog post you read and responded to angrily...you took it wrong, well I suppose I'd have taken it the same way but...ugh...remember after I moved out...I had no one...S's kinda been with me from that point on, straight through...so yeah...I'm not sure if that clarifies anything for you, I doubt it makes it better. It wasn't even a complaint in that post, in fact I was happy with having the two of them...I wouldn't have known to include anyone else as you and I have been...estranged since August...you got offended at something you'd already pointed out to me a dozen or more times, we're not close friends right now (if you still consider us friends at all)...was it wrong to not have listed you? I'm sorry, as I've said a million times, I can say it no more. I do love you, I need a fucking sign.

S, congratulations on the end of (work related)probation. (Didn't want that to look bad lol.) It's about damn time huh? Tread a little harder on those eggshells now? You do sound amazing at what you do, I know you're not the type to brag in a "look at me, look at me" sort of way, but more of a "wow, look what I can do" sort of thing (least I hope it's more like that :P). Glad you had a decent time at that dinner as well, I'd have been bobbing my head right along with you lol, as I don't absorb that kind of knowledge easily if at all. Love you.

My love, I am proud of you for your test scores, I'm jealous of how well you did because I'm terrified of how I'll do when my time comes. Accomplishments are a big deal doesn't matter how small they are, so no matter what, you do deserve a "good job/congratulations" something of that sort at minimum. I'm surprised anyone can just be all "blah" about it. I love you, I miss you.

It's amazing what seeing you does to me. I mean I've got pictures of you I look at every day, but being able to see you semi-real time...I'm so happy.

Today was hard saying goodbye to Robert...my stability is slipping away again...I don't know where I stand with someone and then there's one other person here that I've got. Maybe I'm to blame, but can it really be all my fault?

"This world brings me down, again. I know that I need you, to help me make it through and I know that you're the one for me."

Why do I feel so incredibly alone right now? It's out of place rediculous.

Robert's threats, well not threats intentionally, to leave have finally become something. He says he's packing his things today (Saturday) and "skipping town" on Sunday. Fine, leave. It sucks, and I think part of the reason it sucks is because I feel like I've "skipped town" on a few of my friends and I already knew what it felt like to leave them cause it had already been done to me (Amanda ditched me for her boyfriend), thanks for the fucking reminder.

Pictures

And these are being posted here cause I can't put em on myspace...too many reasons.


Me laughing...


Me and Cody...


Velma...aka Robert...aka Velmert (ain't he pretty? watch out Courtney Love!)


Velma again...


Cody took this pic...

And me waiting for her...well she actually took this pic but when I see it I think of it in that sense.

Written November 8, 2006

I remember the first kiss,
The anticipation,
The taste of your hot breath
...your soft lips.

In the park in the dark...we shared a secret.
That fence, your face, you command me.

Waking you with a kiss,
A kiss met with a smile I'll never forget.

My skin, my lips, my fingertips...
...Miss your skin...your lips...your fingertips.

That last night we slept with the light on,
I wanted you to be my first sight.

You're the voice in my head,
You're the love in my heart,
You're the love of my life.

You melt me still from thousands of miles away.
I'm going to find a way through this distance,
Nothing but the thought of you is keeping me clear.
Thank you.

??

So my Lainey stumbled across this song by Justincase called "Any Day Now (Megan's song)". http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=47092781 I found that to be too coincidental...I mean, the title alone and especially after reading the lyrics. I had to ask her if she wrote those words and somehow put them on the lyric site as a joke just because of a few things.

There's a girl I want to be mine
I want to have her all the time
I'm gonna let her see what's here
And make sure she'll always be near
We laugh about Snickers Bars
She's gonna be a T.V. star
Out of style is just her type
And that's whey I could be right

Chorus: Any day now
In some old fashioned way
I'm gonna let her know
Her profile makes me smile(I'm gonna make her smile)

She likes to shop and she loves her ring
One day I'm gonna take her skiing
You know we can always have fun
If it means we have to run
She can't help but say things twice
I can't help but say things twice
Dr. Seuss, she likes to read him
She likes listening to Atheneaum

Chorus x2

I hope you heard this song and it did not make you mad
I hope you heard this song I hope you love this song

Chorus

Finally finished it.

Written October 24, 2006 - November 5, 2006

I'm outside Baby, watching you
Depending on your memory to get me through.

These cigarettes I smoke are no need of mine
I just feel a connection with you, they bring me closer every time.

With you I'm content yet restless to fit everything and every word in.
I long for the day when we don't have to say "good-bye" and our life together can truly begin.

Hearing the rain fall, feeling the drops, it magnifies this pain,
'Cause living without you girl, is making me insane.

I can barely remember when living was just living and survival didn't depend on you.
It's your sweet voice and love urging me on, without them I'd never make it through.

I miss you in my arms where I felt I could keep you warm and safe forever.
But the dirt we took changed it all, just know that I'm still yours here and now, come what may, always, and wherever.

The time we had was never our's but we took it and spent it well.
I wish I had you here to hold tight and kiss 'cause without you Baby, even heaven is hell.

I love you.

All I need

Side note...I noticed I've just hit 94 posts for this year which is a tie for how many I had last year...found it interesting...sorry...carry on.

"Like all escapists, I sometimes get lost in long moments of silence." Yeah, that'd be me too...borrowed that line from the book I have yet to finish, but I'm getting there.

Last night I went to the mall to see Saw III...dude...what a mind fuck. Best of the three that are out so far...not to hint that they're may be a fourth in the works... Movies like that just...get to me in a way that just numbs me but not fully, and terrifies the crap out of me.

"What am I doing here, if you're not with me?/When gravity's pulling, you're still holding my heart."

So the two of you suggested I write more about each of you. Shall I flatter you with my words? I don't think they're enough you know cause the two of you are pretty much THE most important people in my life. If I only had the two of you I'd be just fine. I'm sure there are a few people out there who'd be a little hurt if they read this but, seriously, the two of you...my world.

Man, I thought it was hard enough knowing Stephanie and not being able to meet her cause of how far away she lives...but now with Elaina further away than Stephanie, I'm dying. I want to be on the east coast. I want to be able to meet Stephanie and convince her I am one of her bestest friends. I want to be living with Elaina letting her know every day that I'm not going anywhere unless she's there with me.

Seriously, Stephanie, you helped me through one of THE hardest times in my life and you're still there when I need you and I hope and pray you know I'm here for you. My only hope is that I can be half of the friend you've been to me. I know we've only "known" each other for a little over a year now but I feel like it's been longer (in a very good way mind you), you're an essential part of my life. I can't wait to meet you, I owe you a few hugs and a few kicks in the ass (I don't recall what for just yet so just know you deserve 'em :P ). I adore you. Also just noticed that on the fifth of November last year I posted a poem I wrote for you.

Elaina, my Lainey, my love you're with me wherever I go; on my mind and in my heart. I miss everything about you. I miss your head on my chest just listening to my heart beat. You've made me so much happier, though it kills me that we're so far apart, my life is so much brighter now that you're in it. You take my breath away. If we're not done taking dirt, well as long as you're with me and as long as you love me and I love you, we'll make it through. I'm so greatful to've met you and even more so that I have your love and I can give you mine. I love you so much, a lot, forever (eva)...with everything I am and everything I have. "I meant what I said when I said until my dying day."

"I'm holding onto you, holding onto me/Maybe it's all we got but it's all I need/You're all I need//And if all we've got is what no one can break/I know I love you, if that's all we can take//The tears are coming down/They're mixing with the rain/I know I love you, if that's all we can take."

I hope that works for you guys, I fear I'm not as good with my words as I'd like to be, as I once seem to have been. Love you's.

If there's a way I'll do it all for you

Killing time before I head out for an evening of (hopefully) fun.

I think I'm finally getting used to my schedule as I seem incapable of sleeping until noon or later as was my old "habit".

It's been nasty out lately, rain and wind. While I do love the rain, I can't stand wind. Aside from the fact that the wind is cold and only makes it colder, I can't stand the idea of a possible power outage or how it messes with my internet signal and my phone reception. Eh, I'm a whiner and totally dependent upon electricity and electronic devices, I'm not afraid to admit to it.

I'm running out of words. I can't stand that I used to be able to write anything and so freely for that matter. Every time I'm paying attention to the words in a song all I can think, aside from who or what the songs make me think of, is, "damn, how in the world did someone write that, and how did they write it before me?"

So I've showered, my bed is made and my laundry's almost done, my bills are paid even...all two of them...rather productive Saturday, seems it's on schedule. Hopefully I'll get to squeeze a movie or two in this weekend.

I need ideas to write about. Thoughts, questions...geez...

It must be for real cause now I can feel.

Homesick. I say homesick because she is my home. One thing I've noticed that I do over the years is when I find something or someone, or some people that I can call my own, I tend to say, "I wanna go home" even when I'm in my physical home...because I consider these things or these people my home...she's my home. She has my heart...home is where the heart is...so freaking corny, but also so freaking true.

On my way home it was pouring rain and was windy...but the sun was blaringly bright and in my face...makes driving difficult...but the outcome was a pretty rainbow in the darkened sky which I saw just as I was pulling onto my street. Made me think of you.

So on my breaks I read this book: Smashed Story of a Drunken Girlhood by Koren Zailckas. Every time I am walking back into the building I find myself narrating what I'm doing and what's going on around me the way Koren does in her book. (I walked into the bathroom at work and above each toilet is a sign that reads "Please be neat and wipe the seat." Sure it's clever and the sign has a cute picture...but why did they have to put it there? Wondering this makes me cringe.) This also makes me wish I could record my thoughts because by the time I get home they're gone.

I'm jealous of Stephanie's writing. It's real, it's what I've lost somehow, as if I don't think at all anymore.

I spend my breaks alone and I basically spend my lunch alone. I smoke in my car...but I'm hating smoking now. All it's ever been is a link to her and it will forever remain that to me, but now I don't feel like smoking unless I'm with her or occasionally on the phone with her. I won't get rid of my cigarettes but I think I'm done smoking. I'm quitting something I rarely do anyway...bit funny...but then technically I'm not really quitting. The taste has just been gross lately where I usually enjoy the flavor of the ones I have.

I used to think all the time...so now I just wonder what the hell I do all the time that's taking the place of thinking. Maybe it's all just thoughts that aren't worth holding onto, with the exception of my thoughts about her because those do stick with me and those are worth thinking but I know there has to be something else going on in my head.

I can't wait to move from here. I feel like if I can move, I can grow. It'll force me to find another job, it'll force me to adapt to a new environment and while all of that kind of stuff terrifies me, it's exciting and incredibly appealing. What I do miss is someone taking care of me and certain things for me. I mean you grow up depending on your parents, well in most cases at least. I feel I got kind of cheated in the sense that yes, my parents did encourage me to become independent and do things for myself...but mostly it was my mom just telling me what to do without ever really guiding me through...though in her defense I know as a teenager I wasn't really open to hearing that sort of thing let alone allowing her to show me how to go about doing things. Of course I'm aware that if I had been smart enough and humble enough, I would have asked for that sort of guidance...but I never knew I needed it. I was glad to have my step-dad's help with getting my car repaired. My own father didn't even offer up help in the way that Stan did. I'm just worried about having to take care of myself in the bigger ways that I'm not completely used to having to do it. Growing up blows massively...but there's always something shiny and bright pulling you forward making you forget that growing up sucks...but then, if you're me, there's always some huge downfall after you get far enough ahead that reminds you why you hate life. *sigh* I suppose that's enough for now. I know I have things to look forward to and that's what I'm going to attempt to keep my focus on. I'm getting out of this town, I'm going to be with her, my love. She's helped me grow already and I know she's going to be a driving force in my life helping me grow even more, especially since she won't allow me to be so hard on myself all the time and well, she makes me happy and I've never felt this happy...least not that I can remember, you know? There is actually a light out there, it's something I can easily see, as I've been in this dark pit for too many years.

I love you.

"Don't let the days go by"

Long time gone

So hi. Been a while since I've used this blog for...blogging.

Today marked my three month anniversary of working at TSI. Yay me... There's really not much else going on in my world at the moment. I mark the days off of my calander waiting until December 26th when I get to pick my girlfriend up from the same airport I just said good-bye to her at...I think eleven days ago. Damn, it feels like it's been longer. I miss her, a lot.

I'm also actually very excited about my birthday this year. I plan on spending it in NC with her, my valentine...I'm going to have an actual valentine on Valentine's Day, a.k.a. my birthday.

I'm not quite sure how I felt about love before this...but now...I love it, I know that much. I can't say "I love you" enough ("those three words, they're said too much, they're not enough"). She has my heart. I love how it all just kind of fell into place.

At work a certain radio station is broadcast throughout the building(s) and they generally play music I know, like, and really don't mind listening to, so that works out...'cept when they play stuff that makes me miss her more. There are a few songs that I'm sick of hearing...some of them get played up to three times in the 8.5 hours I'm at work...that drives me nuts. "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter, "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" KT Tunstall, that one Bon Jovi song that there's also a version with a country singer, and "Live Like You're Dying" Tim McGraw...sick! of hearing them.

Well I'm cold and not feeling so well so I think I'm going to go now.

I miss you my love.*kiss*