To jump or not to jump, that's not really the question

Here's a test question...

How would you react to me jumping in a puddle of water? (Whether you're right there to receive 'splash' or just there to see it.)

I now have two distinct memories of me jumping in puddles, rather impulsively I might add. One time, years ago, it had been raining, I had just come out of a restaurant with my then best friend and her father. There was a huge puddle, I decided, I had to jump in it, so I did. My jeans seemed to absorb all the water, but it was fun, it was freeing...I was soaked, she didn't get angry, neither did her father, we just laughed. Sure, I had the whole car ride home to soak, but I say it was worth it.

Second memory was just Wednesday night. A few friends and I were coming out of the movie theater (saw The Family Stone, loved it, others disagreed, thought it boring :P) I saw a puddle, ran up to it, paused, readied myself for a jump, and pounced. While two out of the three didn't seem to mind, one decided I had done it purposely to ruin the clothing they were wearing, charged after me with mal-intent, though had no idea what action they were going to take (here's a hint, I don't find that to be a good reaction to my puddle jumping). I had fun.

New Years plans...ugh...I want to hang with my brother, and now that he's of drinking age it could prove to be more fun. He doesn't seem to know what the plans are for N.Y. yet but I've expressed my want to hang with him. I've gotten a semi-invite from my not so legal friends who want me to hang with them. I have to say though, I'd rather not, I would honestly rather hang with my brother or pretend that N.Y. doesn't even exist. (No offense meant to my not so legal friends of course, I love you guys). It's not like I'll have anyone to make out with when the ball drops...never have...as far as I'm concerned it's just another depressing holiday, with potential.

And all this talk of getting older, my birthday's just around the bend. No boyfriend/husband, no children, no...nothing lol. Sad, though I'm in a better place than I was months ago. A lot of talk about memories as well. I've got calender dates coming up that I list as my 'reasons my life began the downward spiral' which is a shortened version of 'reasons my life took the most fucked up turn for the worst when everything seemed to be going to well'...now you know...lol, I never really had a title of course, but man...memories, most of the time mine will just get me in trouble, cause I, like most people (at least I assume) can remember the bad memories better than I can remember the good...we really ought to work on that.

Well, now that I'm rambling and finally tired, I must catch some Z's. Ponder my question, answer if you feel up to it...I'm curious to see who actually belongs in my 'okay, we'll still be friends (for now)' category...just teasing of course, though your answer(s) will be graded...

I feel out of time and unworthy.

Mad World. Awesome song. Not sure if I knew Tears for Fears did it originally, but it seems like a song they'd have done. But I do love the Michael Andrews version, the version I happen to have. Christmas went better than expected, but still, nothing like it used to be, even in comparison with last year. Guess it was time for a change, not sure I like it though.

Change schmange.

Gah, my list of wants and wishes feels as though it would be too long and too undeserved to list so I'm going to skip that, for now, though it's on my mind.

Something Corporate has been my most played band lately. I only have one album, North, and two other songs not on that album, 'Konstantine' and 'Woke Up in a Car'.

I think I'm going to go spend some time with my brother, maybe finish watching Blade with him and play some Xbox...though it is just after 3am. Keeps me from feeling lonely seeing as my nap this afternoon has messed me up I don't feel like laying awake in bed crying or something. It's a good thing he came home, good thing I got sick, well sort of. Kept me from feeling as lonely as I could have, though while I was sick I felt pretty damn alone, but wasn't well enough to think on it too hard and long.

Thanks to those of you well wishers. Happy birthday again Stephanie, glad it went well, glad my phone call was good for you. Merry Christmas (sure this is all late but well meant) to everyone who celebrates it, was good to see that it went better than expected for Mike, Stephanie, and myself, hope it was just as kind if not kinder to everyone else. Thanks Stephanie for the late night/early morning chat we had the other night, was fun to be that silly but understood. Goodnight.

I asked for it...

Well, here I am, semi-recovered from the flu that my brother gifted to me. Now I just have a nice rattling in my chest, and I'm drained of all my energy. Just found my mom's stash (well okay, it's not really a stash) of Vitamin C. And now that things don't taste incredibly disgusting, I'm drinking lots of fluids.

I asked for it. Weeks ago I told Stephanie all the bad things had better get over with finish off this shitty year, and well let's see, what happened after I said that...(1) court, (2) the starter in my car decided it needed to be replaced, (3) I got the flu...the sickest I've been in years and even my lazy ass brother barely took care of me, granted he was sick too, but a day ahead of me on the 'feeling better' scale. Lucky for me there are still a few more days to have shitty things crammed into before the end of this year. So help me, if this year was just a precursor of things to come next year...let's just say, it's not going to be pretty.

Dave wants to come visit me! I'm psyched and worried about the awkwardness. Now only one person who reads this knows who Dave is and I did tell a couple other people, but they were too wrapped up in themselves to listen to me and so that leaves, as I said, one person.

And yes, Michael, I read Intensity, but didn't care to put it on my 'fave' list. And Mike, I'll get around to reading The Taking at some point, I promise, but at present I've started The Key to Midnight and so if any reading gets done, I shall be finishing that one first. I have to ask, what's with all the Michaels? Lol. It's a good thing there are links to individual blog pages and the fact that Michael goes by 'Michael' and Mike goes by 'Mike' is rather helpful. Thanks guys.

I just have to say...

Childhood living is easy to do... (just agreeing, with emphasis)

Recently discovered a cover done by Alicia Keys and Adam Levine (lead singer of Maroon Five) of 'Wild Horses'...I'm partial to the version done by The Sundays. Sadly, I don't like the original much, I've tried to force myself to like it, but alas, I know, it's a sin, I apologize.


Written December 20, 2005

The things I want you could never give-
Rebuild me.

Give me a brain with all the answers
So that I might help anyone and everyone
And not feel the fool.

Give me a heart unbreakable
But ever loving, the blind love that feels no pain,
No guilt, no loss.

Give me the body to encompass a rich soul,
A beauty pleasing to myself,
Accompanied by the ability to love myself for who I am.

I want to know no hurt
And be unable to hurt others.

You can't give me this, no one can.
Sad truths, staring me in the face.
Reality has the last laugh.

I'm tired. My brother woke up sick this morning and now I have this tickle in my throat that will not go away no matter how much apple juice or water I drink. It's so bothersome. Did I just say 'bothersome'? Wow. I took care of him, not much I had to do really, just checked on him when he was awake, got him what he needed/wanted. Felt good to have someone to take care of, to have someone sort of need me. He slept all day anyway, I mean all day.

I have to keep myself distracted/occupied. If I don't do this tragedy will occur. I caught myself several times near tears. This is my first Christmas as an adult, alone. Seemingly alone I suppose, to myself I mean. The first holidays without the family I've lived with for almost 6 years. Now I've basically severed ties with said family, save one person, and that's a weak tie as it is. Crushing blows all around. Sure, my brother's home, love him to death, would do almost anything for him...but he's not feeling alone, maybe missing his girlfriend, but not alone. I was so eager to have an actual person to talk to. His first night back, he was watching the new Batman movie on his computer and I went in to talk to him and got yelled at to shut up...I shouldn't have bugged him during his movie, I know he can't stand it. It stung me, okay, admittedly, I was near tears. Wow, okay saying it like that "I know I shouldn't have bugged him during his movie..." sounds like some abuse victim saying, "I shouldn't have done that, it pissed him off and I made him hit me". That's not quite the correct vibe, I swear it.

I never thought I could actually HATE the holidays. I mean even after my grandpa died, I don't think I hated the holidays. I was reminded by my mom that there was however one aspect of the holidays I hated. The bickering that would always occur when the family got together. Otherwise, Christmas, all the way, loved it, didn't ever want it to end. Games, family, being warm, presents, good food...fuck it, memories + music + my loneliness = me crying. Fuck the holidays, fuck this year, fuck my ability to become a fully capable, functioning human being but not being one. Fuck wild horses, why is there no one telling me they would never leave me? Why is there no one singing to me? Holding me? I need someone. Sure I could survive with no one, but could I survive happily?

Mike, a list of my fave Dean Koontz books, though I'm not sure I've read one that hasn't been a fave (see, I told you I might remember):

• From the Corner of His Eye (awesome!)
• By the Light of the Moon
• Odd Thomas (glad to see there's another book coming out, or is out, I have no idea)
• One Door Away from Heaven
• The Face
• Lightning
• False Memory

Nothing new...yet

Well, not much to report in my ever fading life. Situation with my grandmother could be better, still feel like killing my aunt (whore). We went to court that went by rather quickly, not in our favor so much, but not really in the whore's favor either. I couldn't stop shaking, my legs would tremble all the way up to my body. Another aunt of mine (yes, I have four on my mom's side, the side we're dealing with and one on my dad's side) said it sounded like an anxiety disorder and I should be on Zoloft (however it's spelled). I'm thinking, she's probably right. Every year from 6th grade on, on the first day of school I would feel so incredibly nervous I would almost get sick. Same with any other major or semi-major event. Not to mention that any time I cry real hard (a semi monthly occurance now) my chest hurts like a muthafugga. Same sort of reaction I'd get while working out, thought it was asthma but got tested for that and no sign of it. *Shrugs* Who knows. It's only just progressed to the shakes, it's insane. The day after court my chest hurt so badly. So I'm thinking, yeah, anxiety...would explain a few things.

My brother's coming home for Christmas vacation tonight, I'm excited, but then again, what are we going to do? Spend time in our seperate rooms as usual. Oh well, I love having him home.

Ah, almost forgot, the morning of court I got in my car, turned the key...nothing...the radio worked, but the car didn't even attempt to 'turn over'. Lame. So got it towed later that day, found out the starter needed to be replaced...almost $300 later it's fixed and back home.

Got my hair cut, of course that was back on the 8th, but I never mentioned it. It's all short again, wonder how long I'm going to leave it like this. Especially since one of my aunts (not the whore/bitch) told me my cousin recently asked her if I was gay because I spike my hair. WTF. I mean come on! No, I'm not gay! I got it cut short because I can actually do something with it, plus, it was something new that I had never tried before. I spike it because that's all I can really do with it, and I'm fine with that cause it's not actual spikes, it's mess...it's bed heady...it's fucking cute! I'm C-U-T-E! That's right, I said it, I'm cute. You'd better print this page out cause I may deny this fact later on...no I take that back, I will deny it later. It just so happens that this cousin is one of the daughters of the whore/bitch...she kind of takes after her mother...they're both bitches...my cousin was just more tolerable...was being the operative word.

And here I thought I had nothing to say.

I'm hungry I'm tired...I've screwed up the schedule I achieved...was actually near passing out at about 12-1am the last couple nights, fell asleep with the TV on, which I don't normally like, can't have any noise, though I think I'm needing it for company...sadly. Then I wake up around 8 or 9. If I wake up earlier than that I either force myself back to sleep or I take an hour or so nap. But alas, as I said, I screwed that up tonight. As if my sleeping habits are exciting to anyone. I'm lonely, I'm sick of having no one to cuddle up with, no one to just, hold me, or hell, no one for me to hold, my teddy bear doesn't work, neither does my body pillow. How do people do this? Holidays blow. Yes, Christmas snuck up on me this year. I have one present for one friend, that's it. Nothing for my mom, nothing for my dad (though I have an idea of what to get), nothing for my brother, nothing for either one of my step-parents, nothing for any of my other what 2 friends...I don't even have the energy or holiday spirit to get off my ass to get them anything...I suck, I'm cute (for the moment) but I suck.

Peace out home diggitys, lonely sleep awaits.

Update

So, Lucky's death was mostly his territorial-ass fault and partly Rocky's fault. J e-mailed me and told me the details. Let me give you a bit of background...

Lucky hasn't always been territorial about his food. Sure, he was sometimes very territorial of me, if another dog came near, he got between me and the other dog, even if it wasn't a threat. And more often than not, he would get between me and Rocky. It felt good though, felt protected by my baby. He would also get territorial over dog treats such as bones, even if it had been Rocky's, if it was left alone, and Rocky went back to it, Lucky would jump in there and start a fight. One time they fought over a bone, Rocky got a hole pierced in his ear, right through, no tear, just a hole. It wouldn't stop bleeding for forever.

A few months back, before I moved out, so before Sept., he started to get mean about food. He'd finish his bowl off and head for Rocky's and scare him off from it and eat it all himself. If Rocky so much as went near Lucky another fight would break out. So Lucky was being chained up outside of the yard when it came time to eat and Rocky had free reign of the yard. This is where the story begins. Couple days ago, J had chained Lucky up, put both their bowls down and everything. Rocky was lose because he's trustworthy like that, Lucky's the runner, or was. J was showing Rocky to his food dish, hadn't even turned her back for that long...apparently Rocky went over to see Lucky (he is innocent, likes to lick on Lucky, wasn't after his food I'm sure) and Lucky got territorial. Now one dog being chained and the other not...Rocky also being part pitbull, whether that matters or not...unfair fight. J tried to break it up, got caught in the chain, finally got them apart, had to pull Rocky off Lucky...I'll just quote from here on out...:

"Lucky got beat up pretty bad. His ear was torn and he had several puncture wounds on his back. Rocky had no injuries. I thought I might have broken my finger, but it is just sore and a little bruised. There was blood all over the place and I can still picture them fighting and it was scary as hell. And what was more scary is that if I couldn't get them apart, I think Rocky would have killed him. He wouldn't let go. I was shaking and hyperventulating, and all by myself. I called G at work and told him what happened. He came home and took Lucky to the vet, and they thought it was best if he was put down. I think Rocky might be a little sad. He was so afraid of me when I went in the yard to check to see if he got hurt. I sprayed them both off with the hose to get all the mud and blood off to see if he was hurt, but nothing."

Now, as I've admitted, Rocky became the favorite after we adopted him, but Lucky was still the first. And I know it wasn't Rocky's fault because Lucky's the one who started it, but for fucks sake...I wasn't there. I would have done anything and everything and I'm not saying J didn't but I don't care what would have happened to me, he might still have died, or needed to be put down, but I would have been there. I just can't do it, I keep thinking he must have been so scared afterwards and fuck.

That stupid, stupid dog. This is harder than I thought, to write about this I mean. I already felt guilty, leaving them behind.

I just found out that Lucky died. Sure, he's just a dog, and sure, I haven't seen him too much since I moved out, but he was the first 'Mama's Boy' out of the two. I don't know the details yet, J, couldn't tell me because she was starting to cry, she said she'd email me. My 'baby' died.

Written December 4, 2005
This was just written in the pain of the moment, right here on this blog.

I need someone, I need someone now.
But that's the wrong kind of thinking, I shouldn't need anyone but me,
Right now I'm not the safest company for myself.

I pick up the phone but there's no one to call.
Tears are coming but I'm going to force them back.
Everyone has got their own life and their own things to deal with.

I sit here miles away from being okay,
Shrouding myself in a fake reality to numb the pain,
To focus everything elsewhere; escapism.

My chest aches but I won't let the tears come.
This will make me stronger, but in what sense?
I feel as though I'm always going to feel lonely,
No one is around long enough to quench this need,
But I shouldn't be dependent on anyone but myself.

I'm sick of lonely feelings, sick of hopelessness,
Is there no one who can help me heal?

*songs I was listening to at the moment:
"Forget It" - Breaking Benjamin
"Rain" - Breaking Benjamin
"The World I Know" - Collective Soul
"Bother" - Corey Taylor (Stone Sour)
"Colorblind" - Counting Crows
"Caught in the Sun" - Course of Nature

Wrote this along time ago, well months ago. It was three seperate pieces, I just joined 'em together and tweaked things a bit. So, here it is, fits me for the moment, one of those wonderful moods (yes, that's sarcasm).

Written October 28 & November 1, 2005

Hiding in the familiar,
Cloaked in what I know.
It's not freedom,
I'm not any more liberated than before.

I'm hiding myself in what I think to be safe,
Crippling myself by remaining stagnant.
Too scared to branch out and open up; let go.

All I care about is acting out this agression,
Claw at these walls I've built,
Break the windows that allow all to see into me
And pierce myself with the shards.

I desire to bleed myself free,
Expose this power deep within; flowing under this skin.
My heart feels too much I want to kill it; it's killing me.

I don't know if I like this or not, don't know if it's even blog worthy now that I've been so out of practice. I'm feeling like shit right now and I'm hoping the Nyquil I took will subdue a few of these feelings and force me to sleep.

Written December 3, 2005

He vowed to stay true, but didn't keep his word
Yet I'm the one who's hurt you the most?
I'm torn between saying 'fuck you' and continuing to beg for forgiveness
My intentions, as selfish as they appear, were not to hurt you
You think me unpained when all I have are unhealing wounds

While it was the most needed, it was the hardest decision
Perhaps it was selfish, but unintentially so
I kill myself repetedly thinking of the ones I hurt, especially you

Forgive me for not knowing how to balance everything yet
It's all new footing for me now that I've removed my supports
I lost sleep, shed tears...my penance is on going
Apologies don't seem enough any longer
You still find it too hard to forgive me, but that's my own doing

It's my own fault it got too big for me
I should have endured, shown perseverance
Leaving you was always the thought that made walking away seem impossible
Drawing away from you was the only way I could make it a possible reality
My sincere apologies, you were the one and only person I would have never hurt
I failed you
As a friend, as anything, I failed

More

I love being able to relate to people, but at the same time, I suppose depending on what is being related, I hate it. I mean that I hate knowing someone out there could possibly feel the way I am feeling or worse, because these feelings are no good. These kind of feelings, or worse ones, tend to kill people. Eh, I guess my feelings aren't near that bad cause they haven't killed me yet, or should I say, caused me to kill myself...no matter how I say it, the wording is going to be wrong. I think I have insomnia, no Kris, it's not the game, I wasn't even playing it late last night, wasn't even on the computer, and I still couldn't sleep. I should have been exhausted!

Yes, Stephanie, you're still The One *hug*

More songs to add to my list:

16. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Pretty song, her voice reminds me of someone else's but I cannot for the life of me figure out who I'm thinking of.

17. Another Word for Desperate and Now It's Done - Straylight Run: Just love these songs, fell in love with them the first time I heard them.

18. Dream On - Aerosmith: Come on, it's a classic, you have to love this one...well I won't force you but you have to admit it's awesome.

19. Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick: Reminds me of car rides and Michael getting irritated with hearing it over and over.

20. Bother - Corey Taylor/Stone Sour: This is my song, or one of the many that I feel just is the way I feel, for the most part.

21. Darkness - Disturbed: See, not everything they do is hardcore.

22. Forget It and Rain- Breaking Benjamin: His voice is just beautiful in these songs. I need me a man to sing to me!

23. 6 Underground and Post Modern Sleaze - Sneaker Pimps: As far as I've heard the Sneaker Pimps were only popular when they had this chick as their lead singer, and I so see why. She makes the songs sound hot!

24. This Love - Craig Armstrong ft. Elizabeth Fraser: It's just a beautiful, sad song.

25. Zombie - Cranberries: Who doesn't love this song? Well I'm sure there's someone out there, but I know I love it, the anger...

26. A Pain That I'm Used To - Depeche Mode: While I'll admit the very beginning of the song scares the shit out of me every time I love it, the song that is. The title says it all, well I guess not all but you know what I mean, I hope.

27. Razor - Foo Fighters: "sweet end divine, razor of mine, sweet end divine, razorblade shine" he makes suicide sound pretty, now I'm sure that's not good, but *shrugs* it's still pretty.

28. On the Mend - Foo Fighters: Another pretty one.

29. No Son of Mine - Genesis: 'Nother classic, powerful, just good.

30. Wild Horses - The Sundays: Now I know, it's another cover of a song, but I love this version the best, sorry, not a huge Rolling Stones fan, plus, she makes it sound sooooo much prettier.

Guess 'pretty' was the word of the day...

31. (my dedication to anyone hurting out there and for you Steph) In the Sun - Joseph Arthur: Beautiful song, see, it far surpasses pretty :P. Great song, another I heard on some show and had to have.

My top songs and some other garbage

I'm angry with myself for burying my poetry with this repetative, monotonious 'drivel'. Sure, it's my blog, but I'd rather share my poetry than well, I'm not sure, I guess either way it's me sharing myself. So I thought to myself if I can't express myself through poetry, maybe I'll list my most recently played songs. It's a way to give an idea of how I'm feeling, least to those who might know the songs I list or are interested in finding out about the songs for themselves. These are in no particular order. For those of you new to this blog...and happen to be curious about the poetry, I believe most or all of October was poems, eh, just so you know.

1. You're Beautiful - James Blunt (Really I listened to the whole album but that was just because I just got it and I wanted to check it all out): It's well, beautiful and I already described the way this song made me feel in the last posting.

2. Lux Aeterna- Clint Mansell: once again, previously described. It's also really cool to play when I'm playing W.o.W. and battling stuff...you won't understand unless you've had a similar experience so :P.

3. High & Dry - Radiohead: Marvelous song, it's pretty, it's sad, and what can I say, I love what's his faces voice...yes, I'm not even going to bother looking it up, Cody or Kris, or even Stephanie will probably let me know that his name is Chris. Fave line in the song "all your insides fall to pieces you just sit there wishing you could still make love".

4. Wasted Years - Cold: Just fitting my mood right now, kind of a 'get away from me, I'm bad for you, I'm a waste' song...

5. Cure My Tradgedy (Letter to God) - Cold: Partly makes me think of how I'm feeling for a friend, or how helpless I feel about not being able to do anything for her. "she's broken and I'm far away" and "won't you take and give her pain to me".

6. Suffocate - Cold: I'm not even sure why, perhaps cause I'm on a Cold kick, but I just like the way it sounds. Like the background vocals to the chorus.

7. Imagine - A Perfect Circle: I realize it's a remake and that most times remakes aren't any good, but this version fits my mood. Makes me think of McKenzie in a way that might not be easily described to those who don't know what she's been obsessing over recently and semi-off and on again.

8. Virgin State of Mind - K's Choice: Have to thank Stephanie massively for this song because it's perfect, least to me. I just love it. Love the line "...do you think i'm sexy, do you think i really care".

9. Missing You - Jem: Just loved the song, love her voice.

10. Caught in the Sun - Course of Nature: Heard it on 'Breaking Bonaduce' once and it sounded familiar, loved it, downloaded it (legally).

11. Caught by the River - Doves: It's just pretty sounding.

12. Suicidal Dream - Silverchair: I love it, maybe cause I discovered that I can sing with it well, least in my mind I can. Love their stuff anyway.

13. Motorcycle Drive By - Third Eye Blind: A song from back in the day, least for me, another I discovered I can sing with. Love the line "And there are things that I would like to do that you don't believe in, I would like to build something, but you would never see it happen" it just builds up at that point of the song, or starts to.

14. Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead: Just love the sound of the song.

15. Creep - Radiohead: Can't leave this one off cause it rocks and he says 'fucking' and I love when there's cussing in a song, when it's powerful at least, not when it's like all there is to the song, never then. But it speaks volumes most times when curse words are used properly in a song.

Guess that's it, maybe more later. I actually contimplated creating another blog to either list my poems or another one to list my favorite songs and why, I'm not sure, but the latter seems like an endless project that I would want to reach the end of...which would only frustrate me.

I want to write, I feel the huge need to do it, but can't seem to figure out what to say. I don't want people I care about and love to hurt and when I can't do a single thing to help, feel like I'm making it worse, or have caused the hurt they're going through I die inside. I want to be loved and needed and held. I want someone to miss me while they're gone or while I'm gone. Instead I'm the only one missing anyone and I've given up on that even. Let's hope my selfish moment has passed...

And if anyone's looking for a powerful song, my suggestion is Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell off of the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack. No words, just music, insturmental I suppose. I love it. I told Stephanie it sounded like crying. I guess when I said it what I meant was powerful, my chest is hurting, my soul is dying-crying. I don't know, think what you will. Good luck.

And if you want a truly beautiful song (video is good too, made me feel it was for me) then check out You're Beautiful by James Blunt. I love it, it's pure, it's well, as I said, beautiful. And omg he did a cover of Crowded House's Fall at Your Feet...I truly love this song, and his cover is awesome as well. I'm sorry I might not know that much about artists and music in depth but I love this. Check him out, I think you might find it's worth it. Poetic, beautiful...And his song No Bravery...damn. He might not have the greatest voice, but strangely I love it.

Crowded House rocks my socks off, I don't know how to explain why I even love them, but I do. There was a moment in time when I listened to only their albums for a few days, and every day I would wake up with one of the songs in my head, a different song every day. So odd.

Should I start off with the funny stuff and then just jump my way into the depressing crap? Sure why the hell not...

The other day I was checking my myspace account mail and there was one with the simple subject line of 'hey' from some guy I'd never heard of before. The only text in the mail were the following two words 'wanna fuck?'. This guy is living in the same town as me and is the same age as I am. First thoughts...'sure, why the hell not?' actual response...'you're just asking that cause you're in the same boring assed town as me, aren't you?' or something along those lines.

My brother's home for the weekend, got here Wednesday night and is leaving Sunday at some point. Even though he and I haven't spent a whole lot of time together I've loved having him around, just knowing he's there I guess.

And now that I'm near tears for no fucking reason we'll just jump on into the other stuff...

I can't stand being alone right now. I don't know if it's the holidays or what, I'm desperate for anything to keep me from feeling alone. Right now my sleep schedule is totally fucked up, perhaps because now I'm playing Warcraft again, but perhaps not. Any time I even feel remotely tired I don't want to go to sleep unless I know for sure that I'm going to just pass out, otherwise there's no fucking way I'll attempt it. Of course once I've been sleeping and I wake up I don't want to be awake, I could almost sleep forever.

I don't like knowing that someone I care about is suffering, especially when I can't do anything about it. Maybe I should rephrase so I don't sound so mean, because of course I want to know when they're hurting if they are...I don't like it when someone I care about is hurting. The other night one of my friends was not in the greatest mood about herself and was crying about it, I felt so helpless in what to do for her. I'll I did was lay there with her and say stupid shit that was getting twisted around by another friend so that I looked like a fool who was just saying insulting things. I couldn't do anything, though I would have done anything in my power.

I feel like shit for being depressed over nothing and being depressed over being alone. All I can think is Christmas is going to suck, can we please get the holidays over with? Oh and not to mention my birthday...goddamn Valentine's Day, sure it's a great day...when you've got a significant other. I just feel like shit, physically and emotionally...mentally even. I'm sorry if I bring anyone down. I miss you, I love you, take care.



This was me, I have no idea what age...it just looks the way I feel, somehow

Existence is futile

Been feeling rather melancholy and just all out sad lately. Wednesday after waking up I felt like I could cry at the drop of a hat, and for no reason. Friend of mine lost someone recently which of course had me thinking and also has me wishing I could do something for her. Something I'm a bit slow to admit...I actually had a conversation with, well, I'm not sure who I was meaning to talk to but it I guess turned out to be a conversation with my ceiling or God even. Death...fuck it, it's devastating and shitty, just fucking shitty. And at the same time I'm still dealing with stupid family shit, though not as much. Haven't written anything lately either, least not since the last poem I posted.

I have a crush on one of my brother's friends, unfortunately this crush of mine has a girlfriend. 'Crush' sounds so childish, but I honestly can't think of another word for it, he's certainly not an obsession seeing as he's a little out of reach.

All I've felt like doing is sleeping all day and of course listening to music. Tears are still too close to falling from my eyes but I don't feel as though I deserve the release. I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry.

STOP LOOKING AT ME, SCHWAN!

Don't get me wrong, being in a good mood is so fucktastically awesome, but being in a good mood, being hyper, alone, blows massive chunks! Attempting to go see H.P. and the G.o.F. two times in one night and having it be sold out both times (:P to you Cody, getting your tickets in advance! and :P to everyone in town who saw it tonight), blows enormous frakin' chunks as frakin' well. Not to toot my own horn or nuthin' but there are a few people, at least one, who would be getting a massive kick out of me at this moment in time, a few who would be getting increasingly aggrevated with me as well, but :P to those few! It's five minutes to midnight, the latest I've stayed up since Monday night...I couldn't go to sleep right now if I tried. McZ and I partied hard...well not really, we were lame for a few hours then rocked it hard, semi-re-living the biggest night of my year thus far, to be specific (I know, finally) --we watched "Bullet in a Bible" -- for those of you thinking, "W-T-Fuck?," that would be Green Day's latest contribution to McZ's Billie Joe fest (did I say fest? I meant obSEXsion)...their DVD! I'm at a loss for words at the moment, expect more............................................oh, right, expect more later.............................right, so you should leave now, mayhaps comment, then return later, duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Okay it's later...


Gah, I'm in such an awesome mood!!! Where is everyone???!!! Apparently not sitting at home beside their computers, duh Megan. Anyway...since I have a miniscule audience at present (apparently I'm hooked on saying 'at present' instead of 'right now') I'm here, preforming for the few of you who will see this later, it's as though what I'm saying now is being recorded on a tape in your VCR so you can 'watch' me later...or Tivo if that's your thing. Man, I'm even using words like 'bizzaro' and 'spectacular' (even turning it into 'spanktacular') and I'm literally 'ha ha-ing', it's insane, especially if you take into account that I'm alone in my room. I seriously need to preserve this mood for later, say perhaps for when I'm in good ole TN visitin' with my peeps in da south. I have no idea what else to say, sorry. SHOUTOUT TO MY PEEPS!!! GET SOME, GET SOME!!!

Will the monotony end?

Well, for the past few days I've been 'baby' sitting my grandmother, mostly an uneventful undertaking, mostly. You know, if you exclude the fact that the Sheriff was called out to the house on Tuesday it was uneventful. After doing practically nothing all day for, God, only three days, I'm going insane. I hate this job, hate it with a passion. I find myself chanting, "I don't want to grow up..." in my head all through this posting. My thumb is sore from shuffling cards as I have been shuffling and dealing for the two of us while playing cribbage. Whether I beat her or she beats me, it just sounds sad. She's 80 years old, it doesn't sound right when I brag about beating her and it sounds pretty pathetic that an elderly woman who has to have a baby sitter beats her granddaughter at any game. UGH!!! I don't ever want to get old, least not like that.

I've been dosing up on Nyquil and passing out round 10/10:30pm and waking up around 6:30am-ish...all I want to do is sleep, and possibly sing...I know Steph wants more of me in that sense...I don't know what to do, this weekend seems rather blah already....

Hat

Okay, as Stephanie requested, Megan in a hat...

Sick and Tired

Well, I'm laying in bed on this nasty Friday afternoon. It's actually hailing at the moment, it's not even that cold outside. It was a tad windy earlier, then there were some light showers...and now it's windy and hailing and my mom is trying to light the barbeque...such an adventure. I'm not feeling so great, just a cold, but it's giving me a headache. Watching re-runs of Third Watch, love this show. Just some random, yet pointless goings on.

Going to have one of my favorite home made meals tonight for dinner...prime rib, mashed potatoes, and yorkshire pudding (love this stuff). Hoping to see a movie tomorrow night with some friends, but I suppose we'll have to wait and see.

I keep spacing out, drugs must be kicking in. Well, excuse me while I go nap and sorry for the pointless ramblings.

Right back at ya biatch!

to my aunt on the far left...i'm the cuteness on the right with my grandma and my mom...

Blah blah blah

My apologies to any who frequent my blog as I have not posted much lately. Still troubles on the 'home front' so to speak. The aunt mentioned two posts below is still up to her fucked up antics. I'm being sucked into the nightmare. I'm finding now that stress really is getting to me because lately I have been experiencing constant chest pain, nice huh? Attempted to run today with a friend, maybe you've heard of her?...McZ, she's a 'pusher (to be read as Tina Phay says it in 'Mean Girls')'. I didn't last very long at all, as I expected, felt good to attempt it though. My body certainly isn't up to snuff today. Examples...chest pain and the taste of blood in my mouth, isn't running great?

Didn't catch much sleep last night, had troubles getting to sleep and then I expected to be able to sleep in. Maybe I knew trouble was brewing. I do have that uncanny ability...much the way I knew my grandfather was dead...another example is the one night I couldn't sleep, was tossing and turning, so I settled myself on the floor and slept only to be woken up by a phone call telling me that my paternal grandmother had died...so I'm guessing I can predict this shit in a way...anywho...Only got about 3 hours of sleep before being rudely awakened by the sound of the telephone ringing this morning, only to be called further away from my bed on semi-emergency 'protect your grandmother from your aunt' duty. So, fun day...I'm thinking that I'm going to end my day much the way Steph and her sister ended their Saturday this last weekend, though I'll be alone. I'm not sure what else to say at present, and I would apologize for bitching, but it is my blog and I have every right to do so, least I think I do. Please cross your fingers and/or pray that if my aunt doesn't get the hell she deserves here on earth that she will rot in hell when she dies, thank you, that is all...for now.

For Her, anyone else who needs it can have it, but I made it for Her

Written November 5, 2005
(and as a side note I'm fucking pissed that certain lines were too long so they wrapped, my apologies)

I care about you
This world needs you
I need you, They need you,
He needs you most, though his words are few

We're all blind to our qualities; the good and the bad
That's why you have friends to point them out
And you do have friends, ones who truly care
Ignore the leeches, you can do without

The only life in your hands is your own; your responsibility
However, the love in your hands and in your heart, is not
You are not allowed to refuse love or deny the existence of love for you
No doubt you've been treated unkind, been the doting friend ultimately betrayed
There are few worthy of the place in our lives labeled 'Friends'
Trial and error, and commonly trust are what place us there indefinitely

I had no words to put forth my feelings,
You opened me back up, helped me know I had wings with which to fly
I had no hope left in me for this life,
You forced me to see with calloused but open eyes
I have no way of knowing whether I've come close to doing the same for you,
It's only my hope, my want, my will that it is so
You deserve to be loved and to be treated as one who is loved
I WANT with every fiber of my being, with every ache in my soul,
For you to see this love, to accept this love, to know this love, and to know it's all for you

These are just words however, though not meaningless
At present they are the only voice I have,
The only way to reach you
I give a fuck, you can't stop that, though I know you wouldn't try to
Take care, be well, you are adored.

Family

Growing up I used to think it was pretty cool having so much of my family around me. In a small town when you don't have a lot of friends it's a cool thing, right? Got to play with my cousins who were fairly close in age to my brother and myself, saw one set of grandparents quite often, and then there were my aunts who were mostly located in the same area. Family get togethers were always fun and pretty memorable (Christmas was the best). After my grandfather died things started to fade and fall apart it seems and I'm thinking after my grandmother dies everything will be over.

At this moment in time my grandmother is over 80 I believe, has Parkinson's Disease, and a few other problems. She's falling apart and some days she's pretty much not there, goes crazy, it's the only way I can think to describe it. I have this aunt who, while growing up I thought was cool, I am now prepared to kill her and accept all consequences for my actions. She's been taking advantage of my grandmother and her state of mind. My aunt is the youngest of five girls and seemed to get away with quite a bit as she was growing up, and seems to have missed a few lessons along the way. Basically, she's been stealing from my grandmother. Stealing from her own mother, her own dying mother! My oldest aunt on this side of the family is currently living with my grandmother and has, as it seems, finally given up on taking care of her (my grandma). My mom is at her whits end, she's out there at this very moment putting my grandmother to bed because my aunt has refused to put her to bed, has refused to take care of her. I'm going insane. I know my family's certainly not the worst out there, but right now all I can wonder is WHAT THE FUCK?

The Thief/Bitch/Unbelievable Whore/Liar/Self-Centered Fucking Bitch (I know I used bitch already but she deserves a few more in the title) has always been a liar, a thing I came to recognize and understand while growing up. Her lies were usually non-damaging and rather easy to dismiss, you just knew to take them with a grain of salt (did I 'say' that correctly?). Now it's out of control and all I want to do is track her down (wouldn't be too hard) bitch her out, make her see what the fuck she's doing, and beat the shit out of her. The Thief is trying to turn people against each other and is trying to do whatever she can to ensure that she gets everything she can before Nana (my grandma) dies. It's all such a tangled web, an insane, tangled, mangled, fucked up, piece of shit web. Shit is only going to escalate when Nana dies, that's when it's going to get even messier, and I can't imagine that, it can actually get worse than it is. What the hell am I going to do? I know people with families tons better than this (and worse as well), why can't mine behave like adults, behave as though they love their mother, not her money (I don't think there's that much, especially not now, but still there's money)?

I know I don't have to be here, don't have to be a part of it, but if I were miles away I'd be just as pissed. My own brother is miles away and he's prepared to come home from college and kick some ass.

Warning

An addition: It's not truth, it's fictional. I just felt this way.

Written November 1, 2005

The truth as I know it to be is that I'm the liar,
I manipulated the situation, every part.
At any time, if I'd wanted,
If I'd not been so afraid of the outside world,
I could have walked away.
The only reason I got out was because my world was falling apart.
Making everyone happy was all I had to do to make it all work out.
Stay away from me, it'd be the smart thing to do.
I did it, caused all the hurt in the end,
Just used you up and walked away,
I had to be the one to do the hurting before you had the chance to do it to me.
A product of my past, their decisions, and my decisions.
I can't even act like a decent human being,
It's even possible that this is all an act,
May always have been.
How much of this is truth?
I'm afraid of it all, afraid of what I did, what I can do, what I will do.
I make myself sick - stay away, I don't want to hurt you too.
What have I done?

Venting

It's not always easy to create and right now I'm down right frustrated. I get enough inspiration to write a line or two, none that fit together of course, that would be too easy. I'm close to tears, that seems to be the one thing I've been able to easily create these past few nights. That to me is rather unimportant, most times easy to control. I guess I'm hoping that if I get these thoughts out of my way I'll be able to write. Didn't much care for whatever came from me last night, but I guess that's what I was feeling last night and I can't just disregard. So, I'm going to keep at it, till I'm exhausted enough to go to sleep, otherwise I'll just lay in bed with mixed thoughts wishing I were writing so I'll skip that step, save attempts at sleep for last. Guess I just needed to vent for now.

For those of you who like my stuff...some chaos in a relatively small dose...

Written October 31, 2005

Drastic dances and lost second chances
One last kiss, a shaking head, a sigh
No lullaby for me
You're walking away, I know you won't turn back
Slipping away, grasping silence
Empty rooms reverberate feelings
My heart mimics your fallen footsteps
I'm at a loss; don't know how to feel
I know there isn't really anything left to say
Now there's only one, me, and I'm not even whole
I got lost and no importance was placed on making me found
Tip and spill, pour out the sun
Pass it around, let this day be done
I never really cared what I came to be
I was just along for the sick and twisted ride
Heartfelt sins and delicious lies
I hate goodbyes, they can't be undone
Brisk needs fall into slow giving hands
Please remind me of the point
The light can't blind, I turned away long ago
I don't think it's possible to beginning from the end

I don't mean to cover up my shout out to Kenzie or the pictures of my pups, but I got the urge, sorry.

Written October 28, 2005

I want you to find this apology; take it to heart
Think of it as my heart’s dying wish
Its last beats a lament of my lost soul
A perfect child I never was
I wish I could have felt as though that were acceptable

The luster has gone out of this precious gift

Trapped memories in faded photographs serve only as
Reminders of lost moments, forgotten joys
Your eyes were once so full of youthful pride and overflowed with love
Growing older has left me with none of that to hold

Somewhere everything went awry
Reality knocked on the door and stole the show
Your approval could no longer be gained
Nothing I did was right anymore
Like a child I was constantly left standing as you walked away

Disappointment and pain were never my intentions
My attempts fell short and scattered
I serve only as a pathetic reminder of a failure you created
I’m sorry I couldn’t try hard enough

I miss the light in your eyes, the one only I could coax
All the wrongs I couldn’t make right caused it to dim and die
No blame will I place on you, I’ve put you through too much as it is
A few moments more, that’s all I need

This blood coursing through my veins was a gift from you
A gift I shamefully return
My tears fall and flow, soiling the crimson pools at my side
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more
Another wrong…
Another pathetic attempt...
I love you...
Love me...
Forget me…
Please, forgive me...

I MISS YOU TOO

I miss you too my Kenzie! Big kiss *mwah*

My Babies

Well I just spent some time with my puppies today, it's been a long time, too long even. Rocky (what we think is a mix of chocolate lab and pitbull) and Lucky (what we think is a mix of black lab and husky). Rocky is the youngest and such a momma's boy. He was wandering around the neighborhood one day out of the blue and barking at kids on their bikes. We thought he might be a threat but turned out to be a big baby. Upon closer examination you could see he'd been starved, his ribs were showing through too clearly and he was so skitish around anyone, men especially. Hate to say it, but he's my fave out of the two. Lucky we adopted from someone who couldn't keep him around anymore cause he was too playful with their new puppy. Lucky has two different colored eyes which are so incredibly cool looking but freaky, and the freaky part just overpowers the cool part LOL. They are both such ADD dogs, must be the lab in them. And they both think they're lap dogs, insane. It was so hard to get them to pose for pictures. Man did I miss my boys though. Let's disregard what I look like mmmk?

Me with Rocky

Me with Lucky and Rocky

Man look at those tongues...doggy breath is the worst!!!

To a friend

Written October 18 & 25, 2005

I'm not there for you anymore, was I ever?
I'm a shadow of doubt
You're doing everything on your own now
There is no making good on something that we didn't do

I've loved you all these years
You were the one I wanted to protect
But I only suceeded in hurting you deeper
And pushing you away further

I wasn't the rock that stood firm
I was the pebble that rippled the pond,
The boulder that made the waves
You carry on while I can't let go of the guilt

Every time I drive away it kills me
Like I'm abandoning you
I want to turn the car around to make sure you're okay
I don't want to keep leaving you

The 'Pojo' returneth?

All right as requested I have posted, this makes post numero tres for the night...nothing would be complete without a poem...or at least to me. And I was gently urged to write...(ok so I was commanded to write and that's not anywhere near gentle...) so here it flows...

Written October 18 & 25, 2005

Forgive me Father of all my sins
This is the worst place I've ever been
My flesh is unclean, my heart impure
It's all going to waste

This body houses a weak soul
And the blood in these veins flows thin
Coursing with hate
And I hate because I am what I hate
Running blind, feeling desperate
An unkempt love
A careless child

As our Father who loves all,
You stole from me
Broke my innocent heart
Drained my life's happiness

I forwent an ease into the unfamiliar
No blinders to hide behind
My life was no longer in order
Misery and desperation
Overtook love and youth
To fill and burst my tiny heart

You gave me no hand to hold,
No comfort, only pain
Robbed me blind and left my faith
Dangling on a frayed and unholy thread
A relationship unfounded, ungrounded
Unconditional love met with a child's hate

I want to turn my back, but I know I need you there
I hate while you love
Walk with me silently, there to guide me
I'll return to your grace one day

I knew this would happen

You see, I have this wonderful friend in Tennessee whom I was thinking of posting about seperately, as opposed to including her in the post just before this one, because she does deserve her own seperate recognition and space.

She's definitely one of a kind and the most awesome person I know! Found her through blogger in a round about way and then she disappeared from blogger (her own doing) but I'm lucky enough to get to chat with her most every night and even on the phone, I pity those of you who don't know her. And those of you who do, and are lucky enough to know her semi-well, you know how lucky we are...though we miss reading her daily through blogger...we can of course read her poetry still...http://www.fictionpress.com/~muselee...course I have a lot of trouble getting this link to work, but still that's where it is, no lie, I promise.

She's helped save me in a way, as good friends tend to do; my saving grace. Mayhaps I'm crazy, mayhaps I'm not (I'm hoping for the latter of course) but just because I've never met her, doesn't make her less important to me.

As an addition, I would like to mention that this post doesn't do her justice. So, mayhaps there shall be more at some later date. And she's back :D http://stracciamanici.blogspot.com/

Boom-Bam-Baby!!! (any Emperor's New Groove fans should know what I mean)

Long time no post. I realize. I'm not meaning to neglect of course, I haven't even picked up a pen or typed in my Word program since my last post so no favoritism going on.

Did one of the most odd things in my life last night...recorded a song with Cody (http://havokplayer.blogspot.com). Not sure how I feel bout my voice, I'm not a very good critic of my own things of course, especially when it comes to my voice.

My baby brother turns 21 this weekend...damn. Scares me a bit. Alcholism runs in our family and while I do drink occassionaly I know my limit, or at least I know when I'm drunk and when I should stop. My brother on the other hand says that he can't get drunk no matter how much e drinks. This is what scares me, people can die doing that sort of stupid shit. I'm going to try to be there this weekend when his friends take him out. Picked him up Friday night (roughly 6 hours round trip) just so I could take him home Sunday evening (yet another 6 hours, roughly). Thankfully I had company on the way to get him (Cody, thanks much) and on the way home from dropping him off (Cody, yet again, and MaK {http://www.pockapeacock.blogspot.com/}, thanks guys).

Still being pressed to get a job, understandibly. Though I sort of have one. I suppose it's considered more part time, but still she [my mom] never considered it [babysitting] a job, ever.

Cody's sort of teaching me how to play the guitar, I think at the moment I'm frozen on this, a tad stagnent we'll say. Everything in my life seems to be rather stagnent actually. I'm not writing, not playing, not 'working' in the sense I should be at least, and I wish my bank account were stagnent, least that would mean no activity, i.e. withdrawals and spending lol. For those of you who read me a lot, you might recall a post involving a cracked windshield, that's going to be replaced tomorrow (Tuesday) bit psyched, but then again, it is $50 which is cheaper than a windshield usually costs, but still, there goes my dinero...

Maybe now that I'm posting I'll get the urge to write...who knows, I'm hoping so of course. And yes, this was a bitch on white, sorry bout your eyes :P

Hard Night

Tonight, this morning, whichever, has not been good. Productive, possibly, painful and tearful, extremely. Out of the blue everything came to me, realizations and memories, just bombarding. Dismantling me, disarming me.

Written October 18, 2005

Every tear that falls is another breath she loses,
Every beat of her heart is bringing her closer to the last.
Where do all the memories go, because I’m not ready for the end.
She’s all alone, and she’s not even all there
We’ve been losing pieces of her for years now
And she’s losing herself, her dignity, her pride
A woman once so rock solid
A pillar of insurmountable strength and wisdom
She’s withering away in tired, distorted skin
At times praying for the end
I can’t get over my fear; can’t, won’t
When she’s gone this rotting family will fall apart
She’s the last piece of thread holding these frayed edges together
I avoid her, avoid the death that looms
Like a child she begs me to be the one
I look away in shame; it’s hard enough seeing her so broken
I can’t do it day by day, no matter the pay
If I were unselfish I’d do it for free
But if I were unselfish I’d do it in a heartbeat
These new visions of her cloud the better moments,
The pure memories when she once shined so bright
Even her smile is gone, now it’s so crooked and frightening
They tell her what to do now and she is resented
Perhaps to cover their fear of losing her too
We just leave her there, lonely
Watching the time pass
Papa, I don’t want her to die alone
Papa, forgive me for abandoning her
Papa, I beg, please be with her
Guide her safely

Wow again

Yet another mouther funkin (yes that's on purpose...steph and meg speak) one that almost had me going insane...well I'm shure (again) I'm there...but I'm shure (yet again) wondering where the hell they've all come from, they're just assulating (and again) me like crazy...

Written October 17, 2005

Left alone lost and lonely
Feeling sorry, I cry
I want someone to hold me
I feel like I might die
Left to my own devices again
I keep knocking, but I’m not being let in

I think too much
Open up, let my problems thrive and eat me up
And I drink too much, pour another round
Watch as I beat me up
I can’t hold on
The pain is quicker before the dawn

Surrounded by a deafening silence
It’s all some sort of penance
I’m fighting a losing battle
Trying to kill my memories
Sinking slowly and fading away
Into the din of my restless thoughts
I’m learning more on my own than could possibly be taught

I think too much
Open up, let my problems thrive and eat me up
And I drink too much, pour another round
Watch as I beat me up
I can’t hold on
The pain is quicker before the dawn

My pen and this page are my companions
These songs I sing help me to breathe
The road is rough when you’re your own savior
And you’re left with time to grieve

Wow...

Okay, so I know the words are going to wrap (which is annoying as all hell) but I hope it won't detract or confuse readers. This was quite possibly one of the most difficult things I've written and I'm not even sure why. I always want my stuff to be great, but this, it had to be perfect. It took me what seems like hours, but was probably only one and near the end of it, I was shaking.

Written October 17, 2005

We pick and tear everything apart
All to find the juicy details
Pull them out and put them on display just like ugly entrails
We embellish the plot, spin it all around and watch it go
Feed everyone’s desire to be in the know

It doesn’t matter what’s truth or not
Doesn’t matter who gets hurt, what pain is brought
Build it up and tear them down
Whatever livens up this boring old town

Did you hear about so-and-so,
What they’ve kept hid so well for all these years?
Run and spread the gossipy news, it’s music to these nosey ears
Tongues move quick like slicing blades while the unwilling ‘victim’ is left to bleed
All traces of our conscience and compassion slowly begin to recede

It doesn’t matter what’s truth or not
Doesn’t matter who gets hurt, what pain is brought
Build it up and tear them down
Dance around like an entertaining clown

Badger the ‘witness’ to learn every detail
We’ll turn the truth into something more
These words spread like disease or some sort of lore
Watch as we send the ‘victim’ running in shame
While unknowingly we teach them the meaning of disdain

It doesn’t matter what we caused
Doesn’t matter, we broke no laws
It made us feel good inside
Having brought some drama to our mundane lives

In our hands we sift and meld all the secrets that once were held
With our words we cause much strife
Never worrying if we ruin someone’s life
We worry not about who we hurt; have no conscience about spreading someone’s dirt
As cowards we hide behind our pointed fingers
While in our wake pain and suffering lingers

Written October 15, 2005

You cheat at this game
But it’s my fault for playing along
I should have known better when you hold all the cards
You forget what secrets I hold, but I refuse to play that way anymore
I was stupid to think you’d hold true to your word
When I burnt you it wasn’t to scorn, it was to protect – and not myself
There’s no way to force you to see
Make an ass of yourself, truth shall prevail


I want to get into an already lost fist fight with you,
Just to say I hit you, if only once
To have the pain of hitting you square in the face aching in my knuckles
It’s pointless, I know, but I can dream


You can’t cut me away like dead skin
If you believe everything you hear than you’ve fucked yourself
You’ll get trapped in that spiral and sucked down
I’m not going to bother trying to save you
My words seem to mean nothing to you, perhaps all you see is more lies
No matter what I admit to, no matter the times I apologize, that’s all you’ll ever see
You won’t stop kicking me while I’m down
Even after you apologize you manage to turn your back, again


Rant like an evil tyrant, you’re getting on my nerves
Your voice fills me with an unbearable amount of anger, but I suppress
Strip me of everything I know, I’ll still be here, no matter how broken
Eat your words; I’m not hearing them anymore
This wasn't how I foresaw it, not this much pain
You wanted to end it, I await the day

Rhyming is a bitch and there's more...

I'm not so sure about the whole rhyming thing, but I thought I'd give it a shot; it was a bit of a bitch.

Written October 11, 2005

You need no introduction for you are the terror behind her eyes
You feel nothing and revel in deceitful lies

To onlookers this mess is nothing but a broken child
Who withered away full of unimaginable denial

Though try as she might there was no hope within
For reaching out was unheard of; a sin

To escape the nightmarish realities, she hid deep inside
Full of foolishness and unable to let go, she clung to her pride

Too weak to withstand she slowly drowned in her sorrow
That girl of yesterday is this woman of tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following poems were written a few days ago, I just never got around to finishing and posting them.

Written October 2, 2005

I see the way you look at me now
As though you don't know me
As though you despise me
I don't like how cold your stare has become

Nothing I do is right
And it certainly isn't good enough
I'm tired of working so hard,
Just to get nowhere in your eyes

Disappointment rings in my head
I am all I have to offer,
This is my regret

This bitterness clouds my heart,
I can't forgive myself
All of the things I could have said and done differently
Haunt me like waking nightmares

Forgive me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written October 2 & 13, 2005

I feel so far away from where I belong
It's raining and I'm alone
If only someone felt what I do now

The reflection of my angry eyes
Reminds me of who I am
Nothing true to you
But every part longing to be true to me

I can no longer stop my tongue to spare you,
Will no longer hide
I suppressed too much of myself
All to wrap you up in a lie

If these words weren't meant to be said
Then I wouldn't have them on my mind
It's doubtful that they hurt you more to hear
Than they kill me to say

Our time together has come to an end
Let these words make it final
I can't bring you peace
And I will no longer be your drug

Second homage of the night

Written October 9 & 11, 2005
(for someone very important to me)

Whimsical genius
Could you be more enchanting?

You get into our heads
And dance your way to our hearts
While the Monster within brings us to happy tears

You strive for beauty that you already possess
And coax a smile in the strangest of ways

Inhibitions are stripped and thrown out the window
All because it tickles your fancy

To be happy no matter what is your creed,
An enviable goal which you seem to easily reach
In turn, I hate seeing a frown on your face; it never fits

No matter the insults you throw at yourself, we see you clearly
All who know you as we do are blessed,
Those who don’t will never understand such entertaining beauty
(can I be your F.I.L.F.?)

-Love you my Kenzie

To my baby brother who's all growed up now :(

Written June 19, 2003/January 27 & October 11, 2005

You come to me in need
Desperate for comfort
I would stop the world for you,
Listen as long as you need

But when you dump me,
Just leave me behind
All for a new comfort
I feel left out and unwanted - thrown away
But I guess turnabout is fair play

I regret the past,
For overlooking you
Finally realizing how important you are to me
Too little, too late is my fear

You grew up while I was too busy
I cling to every moment you need me,
To every moment you want to spend with me

Why I ever pushed you away can only be explained as 'what kids do'
You are a rock to me, without you knowing it;
A hero

Baby brother, you've come a long way
You're setting your own course
Full of strength and knowledge; I'm so proud

Together we weathered storms
Seperate we tried to fight anger
Our bond is forever, no matter how far apart
It's one of strength, love, and friendship

You're in my heart forever, I love you

Written October 9, 2005

I want to be the shoulder you cry on
Hold you in a warm embrace
I want to prove to you there are people who won't abandon
That dark pasts can be escaped
Give it time, give me time

I won't allow you to scare me away
You could kick and scream and shove
I'll only come back for more
Hurt my pride, I'll stand strong

You deserve to say your fill
And show what you feel
You stood strong for me, I want to do the same for you
It's give and take

Cry your tears
Spill your fears
I'll be unwavering

Give me your anger
Your hate
Anything to set you free
Let me be there for you, that's all I'm asking

Written October 8, 2005

Striving hard for approval is my meaning
Pacing, I wait for confirmation
I don't exist without your acceptance
With each step I falter
Tripping on my insecurities
Falling into my humiliation

Your expectations demand too much
Each disapproving glare cuts deep inside me
Bleed my hopes and dreams from me
I can't see clearly through this fog of requirement
You leave me with no room to grow
I long to be told that my best, my all, is enough

Each good deed goes unappreciated
While each failure is picked apart and thrown in my face
My longing to be good enough, to please you, shouldn't exist
It wears on me, spreads me thin
Freedom from your boundaries is what I need to survive

Written October 8, 2005

Darkness all around
Comfort and warmth caress me gently
You reach for me with fingertips full of longing and aching desire
Slow and beautiful trespass

Warm lips dancing across my yearning skin
Put your lips to mine
I'll show you I'm ready

I want you to be a part of me
Feel you inside me
Build me up for a sweet release

Move with ease
Not eager for an end
Sweet dance caress me within

Nothing exists but the two of us
No thoughts only movement
Pure and natural
Desires of the flesh
Take from me what you will give in return

This is all I want to know
All that I live for
Pull me close
Sweet loving release
Our gift to each other
Beautiful and complete

Written October 8, 2005

I'm going crazy right now
Let me out of this skin
I feel like I'm dying inside but I don't know how to say it
All of my thoughts are moving too fast; they've blended
I can't stand the sound of my own trite voice
My problems seem to be eating me alive
I half-heartedly claw my way back up
But I'm so willing to fall back down
Back into familiarity and self-defeat
I don't want my miniscule burdens to control me
It feels as though there is no light bright enough to shine through this darkness in me
No breath of fresh air to revive my seeping soul
I'm sucking the life out of myself searching for a safe place to within
A place to hide
Maybe if I find the place that hurts
I can hold it and turn it into pleasure
Surely I could turn it around
I could own it and regain control
Shut it out and never let it back in
I could find a way to free myself

So, it's been forever since I posted anything 'real' as opposed to poetry. I'm not sure I have anything worth saying here actually. Nothing monumental has happened. Living with my mom has gotten better of course she's rarely here during the week so that helps. The one thing I'm not used to and not sure I want to get used to is the fact that the TV is far more important than me, even if the show she's watching is being recorded! I come in the house and there's not one 'hello' at all but in the house I used to live in, 'hello' was the first thing you would here upon entering the house. Made you feel like you were home. I feel like an incompetant child around my mom. I used to always feel that way around her but I'm so not used to it yet. McKenzie mentioned in her blog that she's worried her older sister is loved more than she (McZ) is. I know the feeling. I feel my younger brother is the most loved but I think I've adjusted to it cause I don't feel so crushed thinking about it as I do when it's pointed out in a bragging sort of fashion. I love my brother dearly but he is the smart one, he is the one doing all that was planned for him and expected of him and here I sit...in the same fucking place I was almost 6 years ago. Now I realize it's in my hands to change it, but it still fucking hurts, so please, I don't want to hear how it's in my hands, I know.

Writing, damn I feel like I've rediscovered it. I have a notebook (journal, I don't call it a diary cause that seems too girly and that's not me) full of shit, mostly just entries of times when I was pissed, that's when I wrote when I was upset. There were a few scattered poems here and there, but I just stopped writing, when I had originally written more than once a day. But now I'm writing a lot more lately, only poetry though, as if you loyal readers couldn't figure that one out on your own. It's an awesome drug of mine, writing, I'm addicted and when I can't write I'm so frustrated by that, but I'm adapting. Everytime I do something along the lines of writing or cleaning up the house or anything like that I feel the need for validation and approval. I don't know why for sure. I guess because I always feel like I'm doing the wrong thing and I need help to make sure I'm okay. I dunno, scattered thoughts in my head right now and my fingers can't move correctly and fast enough to get it all out and have it all make sense, so I'm stopping now cause it's frustrating me.

Written October 7, 2005

Comatose
I close my eyes
Feel my body relax
No more cracking under the pressure
Encompassed in a superior heat
Chest pain, but I invite it
My body yearns to shut down
While internally I can't stop moving
My eyes fight a wavering battle with drowsiness
Supress my inhibitions
A glazed stare fading to empty eyes
This was a trip - backwards
I recapture my breath
Slow at first, faster yet
Thoughts consume me easily
I haven't the will to fight now
I seek nothing golden
Shaking now, it will peak and I will fall - further still
Despair pours over me
Pick me up before the pieces are too small
I echo in my own head "you promised"
Cut me off, cut me down from this high
Don't let me close my eyes
The end is near but it's not what I seek

Written October 5, 2005

You touch and tease
Trying to coax this need

Take this desire from me
Unleash it

I'm longing to be bare
To be ravished

This dripping heat
This raw ache

I'm starved for touch
Sensitive to it

Warm my skin with yours
Fill me
Release me

Written September 24 and October 3 & 4 of 2005

I am no good for you
No good to you
An emotional wreck
A one-way street
The back of my hand

I am this pain
This hate is me

It's always about the end
The pain
The fresh marks
Tearing away at my soul
While I sit here and wince
Allowing them to cut me deeper
Rip me apart
Make me scream
Make me cry and beg for the end

I crave this
I want this
I need this

Live for it
Die from it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written September 24 and October 4 of 2005

I torture your soul
All for the bittersweet taste of your tears
This perverse pleasure
Takes ahold of me
You are my victim
I am my target

I attack you all for a scream and
For the return blows
Haunt me, taunt me
Give me what I want

Your pores ooze with fear
I aim for you heart with the nastiest of words
Fight back
Hurt me deeper
It's all I've ever craved
I lust after this destruction

I tear you to pieces
All to destroy myself
When I see my ugliness
Reflected in your eyes, in your tears
I am complete, I am whole

I have to say, this one actually had me complimenting it, I called it beautiful, I'm stunned at myself. Now it wasn't me being big-headed, so please don't take it that way.

Written October 3, 2005

I don't want to wake up anymore
You're not there when I do

I don't want to breathe
It feels so wrong without you

My existence is in vain
A life sought but never gained

Lonely feelings
Death of dread
Tired thoughts swim in my head

You did something to me
Made it possible to exist
Without you, I have nothing left

More poems from last night, well early this morning

Written October 3, 2005

Why do you just sit back and watch me flail?
Does my pain please you?
I don't do this for you
It does this to me
Leaves me trapped
Your puppet with no strings

You could help me up
But you choose to push me lower
You laugh at the writhing pain worn on my face
This is the stuff of your wildest dreams
And of my nightmares

You watch me sink
Not even a sigh is issued from your smiling lips
Seems if I were to fade
You'd cry at the lack of entertainment
Not at the loss of me

If I were to crack a smile
You'd slander me
Remove the ability from me
Tear me down and sink me deeper

Put a hollow tip to my temple
Blow the thought from my brain
This tangent is for you
Nothing more you fucking prick

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're alone
Under that cold slab,
In my head,
Out of reach

What I wouldn't give
But you would never allow it
I know better than that

It's been so long
Am I missed?
You have always been a part of me
I want to make you proud
But I can't do or be what it takes

Nothing I do brings you back
Even after all these years
These tears of mine bring no life

I don't want to wait
Only to discover that was our last hello
And our eternal good-bye