So, it's been forever since I posted anything 'real' as opposed to poetry. I'm not sure I have anything worth saying here actually. Nothing monumental has happened. Living with my mom has gotten better of course she's rarely here during the week so that helps. The one thing I'm not used to and not sure I want to get used to is the fact that the TV is far more important than me, even if the show she's watching is being recorded! I come in the house and there's not one 'hello' at all but in the house I used to live in, 'hello' was the first thing you would here upon entering the house. Made you feel like you were home. I feel like an incompetant child around my mom. I used to always feel that way around her but I'm so not used to it yet. McKenzie mentioned in her blog that she's worried her older sister is loved more than she (McZ) is. I know the feeling. I feel my younger brother is the most loved but I think I've adjusted to it cause I don't feel so crushed thinking about it as I do when it's pointed out in a bragging sort of fashion. I love my brother dearly but he is the smart one, he is the one doing all that was planned for him and expected of him and here I sit...in the same fucking place I was almost 6 years ago. Now I realize it's in my hands to change it, but it still fucking hurts, so please, I don't want to hear how it's in my hands, I know.

Writing, damn I feel like I've rediscovered it. I have a notebook (journal, I don't call it a diary cause that seems too girly and that's not me) full of shit, mostly just entries of times when I was pissed, that's when I wrote when I was upset. There were a few scattered poems here and there, but I just stopped writing, when I had originally written more than once a day. But now I'm writing a lot more lately, only poetry though, as if you loyal readers couldn't figure that one out on your own. It's an awesome drug of mine, writing, I'm addicted and when I can't write I'm so frustrated by that, but I'm adapting. Everytime I do something along the lines of writing or cleaning up the house or anything like that I feel the need for validation and approval. I don't know why for sure. I guess because I always feel like I'm doing the wrong thing and I need help to make sure I'm okay. I dunno, scattered thoughts in my head right now and my fingers can't move correctly and fast enough to get it all out and have it all make sense, so I'm stopping now cause it's frustrating me.