I just have to say...

Childhood living is easy to do... (just agreeing, with emphasis)

Recently discovered a cover done by Alicia Keys and Adam Levine (lead singer of Maroon Five) of 'Wild Horses'...I'm partial to the version done by The Sundays. Sadly, I don't like the original much, I've tried to force myself to like it, but alas, I know, it's a sin, I apologize.


Written December 20, 2005

The things I want you could never give-
Rebuild me.

Give me a brain with all the answers
So that I might help anyone and everyone
And not feel the fool.

Give me a heart unbreakable
But ever loving, the blind love that feels no pain,
No guilt, no loss.

Give me the body to encompass a rich soul,
A beauty pleasing to myself,
Accompanied by the ability to love myself for who I am.

I want to know no hurt
And be unable to hurt others.

You can't give me this, no one can.
Sad truths, staring me in the face.
Reality has the last laugh.

I'm tired. My brother woke up sick this morning and now I have this tickle in my throat that will not go away no matter how much apple juice or water I drink. It's so bothersome. Did I just say 'bothersome'? Wow. I took care of him, not much I had to do really, just checked on him when he was awake, got him what he needed/wanted. Felt good to have someone to take care of, to have someone sort of need me. He slept all day anyway, I mean all day.

I have to keep myself distracted/occupied. If I don't do this tragedy will occur. I caught myself several times near tears. This is my first Christmas as an adult, alone. Seemingly alone I suppose, to myself I mean. The first holidays without the family I've lived with for almost 6 years. Now I've basically severed ties with said family, save one person, and that's a weak tie as it is. Crushing blows all around. Sure, my brother's home, love him to death, would do almost anything for him...but he's not feeling alone, maybe missing his girlfriend, but not alone. I was so eager to have an actual person to talk to. His first night back, he was watching the new Batman movie on his computer and I went in to talk to him and got yelled at to shut up...I shouldn't have bugged him during his movie, I know he can't stand it. It stung me, okay, admittedly, I was near tears. Wow, okay saying it like that "I know I shouldn't have bugged him during his movie..." sounds like some abuse victim saying, "I shouldn't have done that, it pissed him off and I made him hit me". That's not quite the correct vibe, I swear it.

I never thought I could actually HATE the holidays. I mean even after my grandpa died, I don't think I hated the holidays. I was reminded by my mom that there was however one aspect of the holidays I hated. The bickering that would always occur when the family got together. Otherwise, Christmas, all the way, loved it, didn't ever want it to end. Games, family, being warm, presents, good food...fuck it, memories + music + my loneliness = me crying. Fuck the holidays, fuck this year, fuck my ability to become a fully capable, functioning human being but not being one. Fuck wild horses, why is there no one telling me they would never leave me? Why is there no one singing to me? Holding me? I need someone. Sure I could survive with no one, but could I survive happily?

Mike, a list of my fave Dean Koontz books, though I'm not sure I've read one that hasn't been a fave (see, I told you I might remember):

• From the Corner of His Eye (awesome!)
• By the Light of the Moon
• Odd Thomas (glad to see there's another book coming out, or is out, I have no idea)
• One Door Away from Heaven
• The Face
• Lightning
• False Memory