Hard Night

Tonight, this morning, whichever, has not been good. Productive, possibly, painful and tearful, extremely. Out of the blue everything came to me, realizations and memories, just bombarding. Dismantling me, disarming me.

Written October 18, 2005

Every tear that falls is another breath she loses,
Every beat of her heart is bringing her closer to the last.
Where do all the memories go, because I’m not ready for the end.
She’s all alone, and she’s not even all there
We’ve been losing pieces of her for years now
And she’s losing herself, her dignity, her pride
A woman once so rock solid
A pillar of insurmountable strength and wisdom
She’s withering away in tired, distorted skin
At times praying for the end
I can’t get over my fear; can’t, won’t
When she’s gone this rotting family will fall apart
She’s the last piece of thread holding these frayed edges together
I avoid her, avoid the death that looms
Like a child she begs me to be the one
I look away in shame; it’s hard enough seeing her so broken
I can’t do it day by day, no matter the pay
If I were unselfish I’d do it for free
But if I were unselfish I’d do it in a heartbeat
These new visions of her cloud the better moments,
The pure memories when she once shined so bright
Even her smile is gone, now it’s so crooked and frightening
They tell her what to do now and she is resented
Perhaps to cover their fear of losing her too
We just leave her there, lonely
Watching the time pass
Papa, I don’t want her to die alone
Papa, forgive me for abandoning her
Papa, I beg, please be with her
Guide her safely