Haven't blogged in a while it seems, and I miss it. Such a dry spell, rather, a lack of things to talk about. I can't even get more than one line of poetry done anymore either. I have so many bits and pieces it's overwhelming and quickly takes the urge to write out of me.

Just got done watching my Sunday night show, Grey's Anatomy. I love this show. When it was over in my head all I could think about was, "that was a good episode...I wish I had watched it with someone." I don't watch TV with anyone anymore with the exception of watching House with McKenzie and her mom a new "habit/ritual". It occured to me why I'm not so interested in watching TV anymore...I don't have anyone to watch with me. I love being able to watch something funny and look at people's faces to see his or her reaction. I have absolutely no idea why. I've done it all my life it seems, but only noticed it semi-recently. And then there are times when you just want to comment and discuss things you saw together. When I was in Cali with my brother and his girlfriend the three of us watched Grey's. I guess usually my brother doesn't watch those shows, but his girlfriend does and it was awesome to just be able to talk to her about the show...who we like, who we don't, what we want to see happen...normal things...a tiny conversation about a show that isn't actually important...but what it does for me is important, at least when I watch with someone else. I only recently started watching House and partly cause I got hooked, but it's just now occuring to me that I watch it because, a) I know for a fact someone I see a lot of the time watches it so if I want I can discuss it with her, and b) most Friday nights I watch it with McKenzie and her mom so I get that whole "reaction" thing. Just realized how watching people's reactions makes me sound really creepy which in turn makes me feel like I'm creepy. But then again, it just shows more of how I enjoy seeing and making other people happy and in turn it makes me happy. Still creepy though huh?


Michael, I know you watch it to, but damn it, different time zones and all...oh plus the fact that we aren't watching it together and the even bigger fact of you not being online so much anymore...makes it hard...but I'll take what I can get I suppose...so...dude, I totally hate Alex...asshole...and...even though I hated her in the beginning and love her now...I don't want McDreamy's wife and McDreamy to stay together I want him and Meredith back!

And on a huge note...totally unrelated to anything else I've said in this post...

When and if I have kids, I'd be worried about having more than one because the first child might get/feel neglected...and I'd hate for them to feel the way I do...as though I was the guinea pig...I wouldn't want to have only one child though, cause there's always that chance of them being a spoiled brat past the age where children know how to get what they want. Still though, there's always the chance that I won't make a good mother. Looking back I am remembering the two kids I used to babysit then became the "nanny" for. They were pretty much the same age difference my brother and I are, even the same situation...girl was older, boy was younger. I know for a fact I favored the boy, new him when he was only a few months old and his sister was 3ish. She reminded me a lot of myself and naturally we butted heads a lot...and I noticed too much of my dad (the way he used to be) in myself, in my words, in my tone/voice...I hated it while I was doing it, and looking back on it, I hate it even more. They were and still remain awesome kids, very well behaved, hell I think my brother and I were as well, I know we could have turned out a whole lot worse than we did...especially compared to how my cousins were/are. Oh well, I just don't want to be the way my dad used to be and I don't want to be the way I was to the girl I used to babysit...and then I feel like in my head I'll judge myself and say, "sure, it was okay to fuck someone else's child up but not your own, you fucking hypocrite!" I'm too hard on myself I'm sure, but until I figure out a better way of keeping myself in check, I suppose it's going to have to do. Shure, I'm more docile and quiet than I was back then...but what if it all comes back...I went from being a puppy dog follower/easily controlled/dominated person (before moving in with my friend and her family) to controlling (while I lived with them) right on back to docile/follower type...though not as easily pushed around (after living with them). I hated being pushed around...but I turned into what I hated...eh, I think you get the idea...

Done rambling, I hope.