Pathetic Me

I feel as though I've been reaching out to someone who isn't there. How do we know the perfect someone for us is out there, and looking for us? I want to find someone and be happy. I'm not just looking for this in hopes that I will be made happy by someone else, I realize I need to learn to find my own happiness, as scary as that sounds. But I want so desperately to be held and be loved. And by love I mean love, not the kind of love I get from my parents, though I know they do love me, I feel as though it's one of those 'you have to love me' type things, I mean I realize your parents don't really have to love you, but they are the people you expect to love you no matter what, as it should be. But I want to be loved, to feel loved by someone else, someone I can love in return, just as passionately, if not more. If I'm too chicken to go out and find this person, what's going to happen?

As I mentioned in a previous post, I never had a boyfriend, well not technically. There was a nice rule in place by my second step-father (prick of a man), I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen and even then it would have to be a double date (such a threat). I look back and laugh now, there was no need for that rule, I was never once asked out, not once. The end of my senior year of high school I did meet some guy online (yes I am rolling my eyes now as well). He was sweet though, no joke, he wasn't some lame ass prick leading me on as a joke. In fact he was my first kiss. He lived in Canada, probably still does, and only a ferry ride away so we did meet. This was by far the oddest experience for me. We had known each other online for months and suddenly, there's this guy I'd only seen in pictures, and he was cute, I even kept the pictures :) Looking back, we were cute, but I was so awkward about everything. I had no clue how to act and I get embarassed and flustered quickly and easily. He was sweet and a gentleman the whole time. He stayed for a few nights, the first night we did actually sleep together, as in next to each other, thank you very much. But how odd for me, since the only other time anything similar to that had happened I was sleeping (yes, once again real sleep) with my all time crush, the one boy I could picture myself marrying...but that's another story. I was terrified. The next night I snuck off and slept in my friend's room with her. We went to a movie together in Burlington and omg wouldn't it be my luck that as we're walking towards the mall, my dad, step-mom, and younger brother come walking out of the mall...and so to dodge too many questions later (yeah, like that worked) I told them he was a friend, how lame of me. It was fun but I had only interacted with this boy...Brian, through the internet. The next day I saw him off, I was scared cause I knew, just knew we were going to kiss, scared the shit out of me, I was such a wreck, I ended the kiss cause it was awkward for me. How pathetic! Eventually I broke it off with him cause it was, well as I've said a few times already, awkward. I felt so bad. He was so sweet to me, online and in person, I still feel bad for having done that. In fact, he was older than me, by maybe two years, big whoop. I realize that was scattered and all over the place, forgive me.

Is this enough for tonight? Probably more than enough, seeing as I have well what, 3.5 loyal readers who seem to have trouble keeping up with me as is. Perhaps we shall talk about my number one crush next time...