To hell and well, hopefully back

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. No, I take that back, I'm feeling dead. Right now I'm in that position of just when you thought things were going well...it all comes back to you. It's not the end of the world, I'm sure of this. But right now I'm in well limbo I suppose, again. I just want to sleep all day, for a few days.

I'm feeling stripped of everything familiar, that whole 'starting anew' feeling. And I'm feeling like it's the most unfair thing ever. I know this will all pass, that's actually one of the only things getting me through this. Of course the other thing is friends, people who want to see and hear me feeling better than I am right now. It did feel good to feel genuinely happy, happy for no reason. It was rather shocking to me and everyone around me at first but man, it felt great and I want it back. I honestly never imagined myself wanting that happiness, I suppose I never thought it was possible, for me at least. I'm not quite used to the stop and go of it all, going from so high to so low, but I'm sure that in time I will find the balance.

I want to thank everyone who has had faith in me, knowing I can pull through this, knowing I'm strong enough. I don't know that I could have done any of this without encouragement and people pushing me to be me, and to be free. I'm still getting there, but it's good to have people behind me, supporting me, pushing me, so as I said before, thank you. Please have patience and thank you for the patience you've shown so far.

What a test

This is me I suppose, seems accurate enough...

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 62% Schizoid |||||| 26% Schizotypal |||||| 26% Antisocial |||||||||||| 42% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 54% Narcissistic |||| 18% Avoidant |||||| 30% Dependent |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 22%

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personality tests by similarminds.com

WTF?

Who the hell jinxed me with 'all good things must come to an end'? And how did I go from having one of the greatest nights (Green Day) of my life to this?

And who said 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'? Doesn't the shit that 'doesn't kill you' contribute to why some people kill themselves?

Sorry for the huge downer.

Exhaustion and Ringing Ears

OMG what a day! Here I sit about ten minutes (3:25am) after returning home from one of the well, let's just say most evenful days of my life. Every one has been returned safely to their proper homes and fun was had by all, so my work here is done. Green Day couldn't have rocked more, unless of course I was one of the lucky bastards who had gotten to go on stage and play either drums, guitar, or bass. Unfortunately I don't even know how to play a single one of those instruments, or any instrument for that matter so I was so far out of the running, but wow. I'm sure every part of my body will be aching upon awakening, whenever that's going to be.

Of course we wouldn't have had such a good time if it weren't for me thinking, "gee, I guess I should probably take my ticket", which in turn reminded Cody that he had forgotten the other three tickets at home, luckily we had plenty of time to retrieve them. To put this in better perspective we were at least a good 3-4 hour drive from our destination (Green Fucking Day!). We got to Tacoma early and that gave me time to stop off and see my brother at college which was good for me, I miss him still. The new hair-do was a huge shocker to him, oh and the fact that I was wearing make-up as well.

As if almost forgetting the tickets wasn't enough, when they finally opened the doors we were told the line was not where we were standing but much, much, much further back, so we stood in line for who knows how long, only to find out we had been in the wrong line the whole time! Imagine our shock after finally reaching the doors, desperate for our pat down, only to find general admission was at a whole nother set of doors! Thankfully once we found our appropriate set of doors we entered immediatly to the sounds of Jimmy Eat World. Tears were actually shed upon entrance, though none by me, almost but none...Jimmy Eat World freaking rocks as well (they opened for Green Day). We were on the floor center freaking stage, mosh pit what have you. Watching Billie fake moan and fake jack off was fucking sweet ;) I'm sure I'm deaf now, but I'm thinking, it might have been worth it. Yes, there was definetely pot present, no I did not partake, except for the fact that I did have to breathe, not a hint of a contact high either, though I'm not certain I would know what that was like anyway.

And omg did the trip home really have to be as long as it did? The show started at 7:30, got out at 10:50ish, and I got home at 3:15am...Sitting in the parking lot forever before finally moving, sitting in road construction traffic for at least 30 minutes after getting lost, getting lost again, incredible amounts of fog slowing even the speediest of drivers (me, though I behaved the whole time, driving that is).

If this is scattered and all uncomprehensible (perhaps poorly written as well) then I apologize. I am exhausted, in need of major showering, starving, poor (gas is a bitch), and I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get to sleep with ringing ears and images of the greatest show I've ever seen. Good night, I feel like shit, but I'm sure it was worth it!

So, today is bound to be one of the many happiest days of my life (yes, I do plan on having more happiest day of my life moments). I am going to see Green Day live! And while they are not my favorite band, this concert is going to me monumental. I'm trying to contain my excitement as to not overwhelm my body, yet. This nervous/excitable stomach of mine can't handle that sort of stress a million times in one day so I continue to put a stopper in this bottle of excitement, for now.

Update on me, cause I am who this blog is about, so I will talk about myself. As my loyal readers know, I'm slowly, but surely getting happier. Several things can be thanked for this. I mean even if my poetry is semi-dark I get so overjoyed that I wrote and wrote something good. Having good people to talk to is also to be thanked, and is probably the leading cause to happiness in my life. Stepping out of my rather small box and changing my hair has, well led some people to think, "well you're too young for a mid-life crisis" and has also led my mom to wonder (after I shower) if I've stuck my fingers in a light socket, but it has some how made me feel better about myself and at the same time semi freaks me out that I chopped off all my hair! My own brother, upon seeing a rather crappy picture of me (the first pic on my last posting) said I look like him only with reddish-purple hair. The nerve. I mean yes, I did even say I looked like my brother with my hair this short, but for him or anyone other than myself to say it! OMG, unheard of.....moving on from the hair, it's not that big so it doesn't need all that attention, I mean it got it's own post even......

So, after Green Day, I believe a road trip is in order...shall we plan?

Pics

Okay... So, I just got my hair chopped off today! And this is the shortest I've had my hair since like birth...and yes, these pics are not high quality, nor are they of my hair while it's styled...I had to shower cause the little hairs were poking the crap out of my neck (no, there isn't really crap in my neck, just a figure of speech) so that's why it isn't styled. I can't stop rubbing it, I have no idea why...it's insane for me!

All For You

All For You
Written September 23, 2005 (on the spot)

Imagining you there
Breathing behind me, on me
Warm

Unsure...willing
This ache in me
This need, this desire
All for you

Holding it in, it kills
Strikes me to the core
To the very depth of my desire
Release me

My flesh craves your touch
Your kiss
Your heat

Oh how I burn

HOTT (yes, with two t's, more if possible)

The hottest thing is a southern accent!
and i want one so i can return the favor ;)

Collaboration

So, a few nights ago I collaborated with a friend, Cody (aka Havok), and we went through some of my poems that were unfinished and certainly unworthy of posting. Since then Cody has asked me to post them as he is proud of our work together, as am I. And seeing as I haven't posted anything of late, I shall do as requested. The following poem first began in August of 2003 so, it's been awhile and deserves this 'rebirth' if you will. And I thank you Cody, it never would have turned out as well. And Steph, I still would love to work with you on some as well, as long as you'll stop freaking out bout the other night!

I am feeling so much happier. I have a feeling a lot of it has to do with my change of environment, as difficult as the whole change was. My mom and I are getting along pretty well, so far *crosses fingers*, I've met some wonderful people online, I'm starting to really look forward to seeing Green Day on this coming Monday!, and I am getting to listen to music a lot more than I used to be able to (I LOVE MUSIC). Though the other night I had a scary freaking dream and it cut me to the core. I don't think it has any significance, but it scared me nonetheless. I digress...here is the poem (thanks again Cody, I stand by it, you're a genious)...perhaps I'll post about the dream tomorrow.

I Hate Your Ways

I've grown to hate your face,
Can't look you in the eyes.
I hate your fucking ways,
I hate your fucking lies!

I hate the way you make me feel,
Like I always must be right.
You say you love me for who I am;
But that all sounds too trite.

I hate that I can't leave you,
I hate each night's reprise.
I hate that I still love you,
You're the lowest of my highs.

An ode, a tribute, a thank-you...an apology

An encounter
Written September 19, 2005 (yes, tonight)

A touch, a breath,
Gentle gliding, tender flesh,
Pour into me...rip me apart.

Take me whole,
Feel that I want it,
Feel that I need it.

Bare my soul,
Fear that I flaunt it,
Fear that I feed it.

(thank you)

HERE!

Fine, here.

Blink hard - make it all go away
None of it is making sense
You belong but you don't
Pulled in all directions except for the right one
Love, but is it?
Family, but is it yours?
Run away, or stay?
If you run, where to? (this one is probably not finished, right Steph?)



To Jamie

I never meant to hurt you
I’ve never wanted to
For all the pain I’ve caused
All the wrong I’ve done
I’m sorry



And here.

Being Me

You don’t know what it’s like to be me.
Things that are simple for you are hard for me.
I see things differently than you do.
The littlest things can have the greatest affect on me.
I’m afraid of what I think I can’t do.
I wish you could understand.


And here.

Free Falling

I’m trapped, free falling.
I can’t break away, darkness surrounds.
Twisted figures haunt me.
I gasp for air, only to find I’ll choke.
I reach out for you, but you don’t catch me.
My hand is greeted by an unfamiliar emptiness.
Will I fall forever?

Awesome!!!

So my day started off incredibly well! Technically I didn't go to sleep until around 8:30am, so I should elaborate. My morning was awesome, with a capital A-W-E-S-O-M-E! My morning, before and after waking, was the greatest it's been in, god, I don't know how long, years even. I was high as a kite, with no drugs mind you, it was surreal! There are just no words, well there are probably a ton of words. Even now, looking back, I'm happy again. Even though my mood after this morning went from so high to so incredibly fucking low by the end of the day, I mean it was bad. But OMG chatting with good people is so much fun and hanging out with good friends is too. I spent the day, or should I say afternoon/evening hanging out with good friends of mine at the mall. It was fun, a blast even, I need more of that. I need more of nights chatting with people who don't want me being down on myself, no matter how hard I try to be. Man, I'm so happy right now, energized even ;)

I want to run from myself
Exit my body, fly from this place
Slap myself in the face, spit on my soul
Kick and stomp my ensufferable body
I want to scream at myself
Make myself bleed

Was told it sounded Stabbing Westward-ish. I wrote it at a very, very pissed off time in my life... on the 2nd of this month in fact. I stand by the feelings of this poem, it's the only way I'm allowed to hate on myself says an elder of mine. So I embrace this poem with my heart and soul as fractured as they might be.

(Cut and Pasted from an email to a certain someone)

As for my mom's house (and now I feel this is a good topic for my blog)...I feel out of place, I guess that's to be expected. I also feel so much more alone, and no, that's not a good thing. I have no one here to relate to and I constantly feel as though I'm taking up her valuable time whenever I talk to her about anything, sure it's usually nothing of importance, purely cause I have to test the waters. She's always so hot and cold. One minute she's easier to talk to, the next she scares me away. Looking back, it wasn't so bad here this weekend with no one, I would much rather be home alone without them, than home with them. All the old feelings of hating being home come rushing back when she's here. Thankfully I still watch the * kids at the * house, but even there I don't feel I fit in anymore. I'm in limbo...omg, and it's hell (that's a little contradictory isn't it?). I'm so fucking miserable. I don't feel like eating, even when my stomach is growling and my head is thinking of yummy things my tummy wants, I stayed up the entire night these last two nights...I've gotten maybe...maybe 7 and a half hours sleep in about 48 hours time. What am I doing that whole time? Absolutely freaking nothing! I sit here, at my laptop and pray people will come online to talk to me. Occasionally I watch a movie on my laptop, otherwise I get to sit her and ponder a hell of a lot of stuff.

*-names removed

Now my mom isn't bad mind you, no abuse or anything like that, maybe verbal when I was younger but not so much now...

I took the picture out cause some people seem to think Brian would give a shit. Totally ignoring the fact that I don't even know where he lives, haven't spoken to him in years, and the fact that like no one ever comes to my blog!


Here is Brian, my first kiss...I have better pictures, but they're on paper...

Don't forget to scroll down and see what I wrote today though, the picture was an after thought.

?

I came here to write, and with every intention of being brutally honest. I hate myself, but what's new, right, you've all read that already. I hate my life. I hate what I've done to myself and hate what I've allowed people to do to me. I think I like being depressed, and that's scary. I think it's because it's all I've ever known. Want some background into that? Too bad if you don't, stop reading now.

My parents argued all the time, who's don't, right? Well I can remember waking up one night hearing my dad shouting at my mom, something along the lines of she'd changed the channel he had it on, but he hadn't been in the room watching it anymore, anyway, he threatened that if she didn't give the remote back to him he would shove it down her throat (I know, how can he shove it down her throat if she doesn't give it to him?) That's just one instance I can remember.

I was always bad at math in elementary school and that frustrated my dad, and my mom told me he pinned me up against the wall by my throat, but I don't remember that and it's probably cause I blocked the memory.

The very last arguement I remember them having was the argument when they decided to get a divorce. I heard it all, I was only like 10 or 11 (I guess that's not too young). Anyway, I don't remember the fine details of the arguement, only my dad asking my mom if she wanted to get a divorce...I never heard her answer, I only remember laying in my bed, crying, begging her to say no, but not loud enough for either of them to hear. Then my dad called my Papa (my mom's dad) and told him, "your daughter wants to divorce me." My mom came upstairs and into my room a few minutes later, she didn't know I'd heard cause I pretended I was asleep, she was getting a night shirt from one of my drawers, she was going to sleep in the spare room. I sat up, she told me it was okay. No, it wasn't fucking okay. I think I blamed her, for years, though I knew/know it wasn't her fault. In fact, my dad is such an awesome person now, though I have his temper.

When I was in the sixth grade I can remember waking up one morning knowing something was wrong, but couldn't place it. I may or may not have heard my mom leave the house, this part of my memory is skewed somewhat. I walked out to the living room where my younger brother was watching TV and my 1st step-dad was just sitting at the dining room table. I made the 'slit my throat' sign to my brother, who had no clue what was going on either. I ran through all the possibilities...first thought was Nana had died (my grandma)...but no, Mom would have woken me up for that (I have no idea why I thought she would have)...Papa, Papa must have died...and that's where I left it, I didn't believe in that thought, I just waited. Eventually my mom came home and confirmed my thought. Papa had died, I had never in my life experienced such a loss. This was 13 days after my 12th birthday. I was devastated, and even recalling it now, I'm getting teary-eyed. I grew up knowing this man. I was the eldest of 5 grandchildren, I was one of his buddies as we all were, but I felt more special and for no real reason. My cousins, brother, and I used to spend most of our time on our grandparents farm, we used to help him feed the animals everyday. This man was probably my hero when I was a kid, and to find out he'd died...I couldn't bare it. I bottled it inside.

My Nana's sister and her husband came up for my Papa's memorial service and to be with Nana. She never made it to the memorial. I later found out that the morning of the service she had been eating breakfast at a restaurant in town and collapsed. Something about her heart. She needed open heart surgery, but it didn't work. While she was in the hospital she told a nurse she'd seen my Papa, in white robes. My poor grandmother had just lost her husband and now her sister.

Only about a month later my uncle killed himself. No relation to my Papa, other than ex-son-in-law. I was too young to be told how or why. He was a police officer. They buried him with Papa, and as my dad put it, so they could talk to each other (they were both big talkers).

Anyway, to make a really long story...well, not much shorter, I bottled all of this up. I never really had any friends to talk to and there was no talking to adults at that time. So there it all stayed, bottled up inside of me until one year from the day my Papa died. And it all came gushing and the one friend I had at the time must have been so overloaded from me being depressed cause she got sick of it, sick of me...there is so much more to say but I feel it should wait...maybe there really isn't that much more to say, I can't think straight right now...so I'll just post.

Don't pity me though, I'm not asking for pity. I'm getting me out there, I'm trying to explain why I feel the way I do, whether I should or not. This is me. "I'm broken when I'm open."

The Song I'm Listening To Now

Okay, you'll have to forgive me, but I must post the lyrics to this Alice In Chains song...I love it, and well it's fitting my mood right now.

"We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

Oooh...oooh...Oooh...oooh...

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can’t be my own
I’d feel better dead

Oooh...oooh...Oooh...oooh..."

That's all for now folks.

My #1 Crush

Okay, as promised, my number one crush.

I met him through TaeKwonDo and I'm sure he never had eyes for me. He was cute, still is. Instances...we camped out at our TKD booth down at City Beach to guard it, my own brother was in the tent next to us...and there I was cuddling with S.M.. I remember waking up at one point and he was laying on top of me, kissing my neck, it took everything in me to not laugh, but it felt so good. Another time, we were sleeping together, really sleeping...him topless (yum, that's what that poem Heartbeat was about). Anyway, right before we went to sleep, he told me to put my hand on his chest and feel his heartbeat (he has an enlarged heart), like he had to tell me twice :)

He led me on I think, but OMG at the time, I so didn't care. He told me, eventually, that he never wanted to date me cause he didn't want to mess up our friendship...cause he'd had a girl as a friend before and dated her and it turned sour and they were barely friends afterwards. Now he's married and he's such a kid still, I have no desire for him, but for his memory...OMG yes. I want him to touch me the way he did and I would return the favor. He made me melt. I want attention like that, the neck kissing, the semi-innocent spooning. I wish I hadn't been such an amatuer then maybe I'd have had a chance with him, but then again, as immature and ridiculous as he is now, I'm glad we didn't get that far.

More background perhaps...he was funny and very nice. I let him take advantage of me, in the sense that I let him lead me on. I adored him. He was a huge show off, still is, but man did I just fall at his feet. I loved being touched by him, being held by him, being made to feel as though we were the only ones in the whole world. I could cry right now missing that feeling so much. But nevermind me, I'm drunk and desperate. Will anyone ever pay that much attention to me, give me those sweet butterflies in my stomach, that anxious "I've got to have you" feeling, and mean it? I couldn't take being led on again, I couldn't take wanting him so badly and having him only want me for my body and what it has to offer to him. I'm pouring out my sad heart here, is it possible to have that? Why couldn't he have been my first kiss, why couldn't things have been so much different? He still makes my heart jump, only because he reminds me of what we almost had.

OMG

OMG if only you could all hear what I just heard, I realize there are like five other people who have heard but OMG! Havok, I love your voice, you can sing anything to me anytime! There aren't any other words worthy to describe how awesome that was!...just had to dedicate a whole post to your awesome voice and song writing skills. :)

Pathetic Me

I feel as though I've been reaching out to someone who isn't there. How do we know the perfect someone for us is out there, and looking for us? I want to find someone and be happy. I'm not just looking for this in hopes that I will be made happy by someone else, I realize I need to learn to find my own happiness, as scary as that sounds. But I want so desperately to be held and be loved. And by love I mean love, not the kind of love I get from my parents, though I know they do love me, I feel as though it's one of those 'you have to love me' type things, I mean I realize your parents don't really have to love you, but they are the people you expect to love you no matter what, as it should be. But I want to be loved, to feel loved by someone else, someone I can love in return, just as passionately, if not more. If I'm too chicken to go out and find this person, what's going to happen?

As I mentioned in a previous post, I never had a boyfriend, well not technically. There was a nice rule in place by my second step-father (prick of a man), I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen and even then it would have to be a double date (such a threat). I look back and laugh now, there was no need for that rule, I was never once asked out, not once. The end of my senior year of high school I did meet some guy online (yes I am rolling my eyes now as well). He was sweet though, no joke, he wasn't some lame ass prick leading me on as a joke. In fact he was my first kiss. He lived in Canada, probably still does, and only a ferry ride away so we did meet. This was by far the oddest experience for me. We had known each other online for months and suddenly, there's this guy I'd only seen in pictures, and he was cute, I even kept the pictures :) Looking back, we were cute, but I was so awkward about everything. I had no clue how to act and I get embarassed and flustered quickly and easily. He was sweet and a gentleman the whole time. He stayed for a few nights, the first night we did actually sleep together, as in next to each other, thank you very much. But how odd for me, since the only other time anything similar to that had happened I was sleeping (yes, once again real sleep) with my all time crush, the one boy I could picture myself marrying...but that's another story. I was terrified. The next night I snuck off and slept in my friend's room with her. We went to a movie together in Burlington and omg wouldn't it be my luck that as we're walking towards the mall, my dad, step-mom, and younger brother come walking out of the mall...and so to dodge too many questions later (yeah, like that worked) I told them he was a friend, how lame of me. It was fun but I had only interacted with this boy...Brian, through the internet. The next day I saw him off, I was scared cause I knew, just knew we were going to kiss, scared the shit out of me, I was such a wreck, I ended the kiss cause it was awkward for me. How pathetic! Eventually I broke it off with him cause it was, well as I've said a few times already, awkward. I felt so bad. He was so sweet to me, online and in person, I still feel bad for having done that. In fact, he was older than me, by maybe two years, big whoop. I realize that was scattered and all over the place, forgive me.

Is this enough for tonight? Probably more than enough, seeing as I have well what, 3.5 loyal readers who seem to have trouble keeping up with me as is. Perhaps we shall talk about my number one crush next time...

Me

Okay, I don't want people getting the wrong idea about me. I am totally miserable, right now, but in real life, away from the computer, away from my sad, depressing, totally bring-you-down music, and when I'm not totally alone, I can be real fun and totally funny. I can be a total kid and at 23 I guess that's not hard to do. My past doesn't define who I am, but I have let the miseries from my past hurt me deeply and when I was younger I bottled it all up until one day, in the seventh grade it all came up, shrouding me in depression. This depression is all I know, all that's familiar to me. But I love the completely wreckless moments I have when I'm fully out-of-my-mind hyper, which, unfortunately isn't often. At this point in my life I'm being bombarded with the fact that I need a real job, I need to grow up, I need to decide what I'm going to do and plan out my life, and I need goals, and I just need to be an adult. What the fuck is the point? I mean honestly, oooh yeah I can't wait to grow up so that I can get a job and work the rest of my mundane life? Not that there are too many other options really, so for now, I guess I'll go with the flow. You know, misery loves company.........

Cody's Favorite (so far)

Okay, I've decided to post the following poem because what's the point of writing if I don't share?

Written September 7, 2005
You don’t realize when you look at me
That my heart is gone
You’ve torn it from my body
And discarded it carelessly on the floor
You look at me with that haunting gaze
The one that sees right through me
That says I will never be free until you hold me
How I wish you’d touch me and free me from this place
But you just stand there, commanding
You have such power over me
How I pray you’ll abuse it
Tell me what to do, tell me and I’ll do it,
Anything for you, the master of my heart
Bid me to fall at your feet
Kiss me
Kiss me naked as I fall
Kiss me if only to rob me of more

Something to think on

I love posting on my blog. I hate the idea of disappointing people though, so hopefully nothing I say is a disappointment. I've thought about posting more of my poetry, but someone pointed out how they were worried someone might claim it as their own. Well, that got me to thinking if I should be paranoid, and really, what plans do I have for my poetry in the long run. I mean no matter what, I would still be really irritated if someone did steal my poems. So, to post or not to post, that is once again, the question. I'm tired, I'm bored, and I'm yet again, alone. I have the TV on in the other room for background noise, I'm so used to having it in the same room as the computer, something to get used to, it's a bitch I tell you, as is dial up, especially when you're used to something a tad faster (and 'a tad' is such an understatement).

Do you ever just wish that you could actually not worry about what other people think of you? I mean seriously, people say it to you all the time, and then question you, "do you really care what so in so thinks of you?" Naturally the answer to that question is, "yes". Why the hell shouldn't I? I mean I suppose in the long run what other people think shouldn't matter, but in the here and now, it totally matters. I'm constantly seeking approval. I would rather know what other people are thinking rather than try to figure it out for myself and be completely wrong. I want to be told if someone thinks I'm the shit, I mean come on, it's a huge boost of confidence, which as you can tell, I need, anyone needs it really. Of course on the slightly more depressing side, it's a bitch to hear when someone doesn't think you're the shit but it also gives you the opportunity to improve things about yourself, if you so choose. Wow, where'd those big thoughts come from, sometimes I surprise myself! Once again peace out, may be back later with more "2am" postings :)

2am

"2am and she calls me cause I'm still awake..." I realize it's not exactly 2am, but I figure it's close enough.

Haven't learned anything new about myself yet, so no, nothing exciting or new has happened since the last posting (less than four hours ago). I'm itching for something, something unknown, or at least unseen. What can I do? What is there to do? I have to be up and somewhere at 5am...less than three hours away, so the question at this point is, do I go to bed or just stay up? I think at this point my malnutritioned, unrested body deserves a tiny bit of sleep, so regardless of how irritatingly short this posting is going to be, I'm going to post it anyway. Goodnight, hope you're all having sweet dreams...of GreenDay...

All Alone

Well, here I sit at my mom's house, totally alone, save the constantly screeching cockatiel appropriately named Phoebe (I say appropriately named that because, she's a ditz much like Phoebe of 'Friends'). I have made one of the biggest decisions of my life by moving back into my mom's house...I understand that it's for the better, but right now, all I can think of is how fucking alone I am feeling right now. I mean, even if my mom were in the house, I would still feel this way. I have always hated being alone, save the times when I needed 'me' time, but even then I liked knowing people were there. In high school, when I would be home alone, I used to punch things such as walls (never made a mark thank goodness), the carpet (had to do it in a scraping motion, otherwise what was the point if it didn't do any damage to me), and occasionally a door (yes, I did make a mark, but my brother made a bigger one in the same spot later on). Needless to say, and if you hadn't already gotten the jist, I hate being alone. I've had two people tell me how proud they were of me and my decision to move out. I can't see much good out of this, though I know there is tons good about it, I just, I'm out of my environment, out of my comfort zone. But I have one thing to look forward to, Greenday, and even I don't feel as enthused as a few other people are, I'm nowhere near that level of enthusiasm, I'm sorry, I'm sure that could be considered as some sort of sin, kill me after I get you home from the concert, okay? OMG, I'm 23 and I'm just sitting here lol, how odd. Of course I do have 'new' hair so to speak. Red hair, which I tend to forget is red until I look in the mirror and freak out lol, not really in a bad way though. Well, I guess peace out for now, I'll probably have more to say in a few hours, all this time on my hands.

Grr, sorry for being so pathetic, bare with me, please!

Something New

So, I haven't a clue what to write these days, and that bothers me soooooooo much! I have been recently introduced to The Decemberists and Straylight Run along with some other bands, but none that I know enough to mention, yet. If you ever get the chance, listen to We Both Go Down Together by The Decemberists, I love it. I'm a music fanatic, I guess just not as much as Cody is, but really, why bother competing? Music is awesome, conveys so much emotion and you can relate to a million songs all at once. OMG I love music and recently I've been listening to it more and more and I'm so glad to be doing it once more. Currently my iTunes is full of music, enough for 13.2 days...I am baffled by the fact that I could listen to all my songs, without a break, for 13.2 days...it's amazing. So it's near impossible to pick a favorite artist/band or a favorite song...I have too many.

I need to work out, my metabolism is shot, where did it go, I miss it so much. (I know, I'm all over the place, just random thoughts going through my head.) Those of you who know me, know that I'm in taekwondo, and I'm still supposed to be testing this month, I'm doomed, but I'm going in to work out today. I'm so scared that I've forgotten everything I just learned :(

What I regret most about my childhood/teen years is that I was too scared to take risks, too embarassed to ask for help with things such as make-up and boys. I never once skipped school, not once, how pathetic, and I could have at least once. I never learned how to put make-up on, not that that's a bad thing, but sometimes a girl wants to look good. And boys, omg, boys. I was always too paranoid to approach the guys I liked in any manner other than as friends. I never had more than one serious crush at a time though, while all my other friends seemed to; my focus was usually on one guy for like the whole school year...that's got to say something, and hopefully something good :)

Enough rambling for now I suppose, had to give you guys something new to comment on ;) just kidding.

Uh...

So,

To have
To hold
To love

Is to lose

Does that make sense...just came up with that...

Heartbeat
Written October 2, 2ooo

To put my ear to your chest once more
And hear your heart beat
To feel your skin on my fingertips
I would give anything

To have your arms hold me tightly
To hear you breathing beside me
To watch as you sleep
And see how peaceful you look
To know you are there
For the comfort of your touch
The warmth of your embrace
I would wait a lifetime

Course umm, I'm tired of waiting lol

Can I spin your belt buckle with my tongue, again?

Okay, sorry, I'm home alone and hopped up on energy (you can learn why if you read the posting below this one), with the lyrics "I sleep so I don't have to feel" stuck in my head. Maybe that's why I like to sleep so much. Used to be that I was afraid to go to sleep cause I was afraid I wouldn't wake up (back when I was in high school, not too long ago).

As Mips and I noticed, Cody's blog has way more comments on it, yes, we are so totally jealous. Does this mean he has more friends? Or perhaps that we are just so incredibly lame, what's the deal, we aren't interesting enough? Hmmmm? *glares*

I have nothing else to say...I guess this whole post was pointless really, sorry.

Expecto Petroleum?

What makes for a perfect evening/night...well insane friends (this is a must), Monster energy drinks...or any sort of energy drink I suppose, caffinated mints, a car, with a chipped windshield (I'll explain later), a spinny (does that have two n's?) belt buckle with the playboy bunny on it, a wading pool and much more...

As promised...even though it turns out totally cool, I don't suggest hammerfisting a windshield that has a chip in it...no, it didn't shatter but the pattern of the cracks was awesome...my mom is so going to kill me even though she's the one I learned it from...

I certainly don't advise drinking two or more energy drinks and munching (downing is really more like it) on caffinated mints, all on an empty stomach, unless you're prepared for the consequences...pretty much more insanity

I do advise watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban...not cause it's good mind you (not that it isn't), but because of expecto patronum...and what it could be taken as...and the whole teacher/student relationship of Lupin and Potter...just imagine

The night ends with me walking to the front door (alone) with one shoe untied...my belt unbuckled, and my pants undone...oh yeah, alone

Fun night, thanks guys (you know who you are)

Peace out!

Written September 2, 2005

The end has come
I am shattered
Maybe I am as screwed up as you say
I belong in hell
Scattered among the demons below
I seem to be past the point of reconciliation
Past the point of righting the wrongs
Trusts were betrayed,
Lives were ruined,
All at my hand

I was too eager to spread my feelings,
To be unburdened
I didn't think of the consequences
Didn't think of anyone but myself
The burden was too much for those
Who unburdened me
I failed them, failed everyone
How could I be so blind as to think all
Would be fine, that my actions would
Have no consequences?
How could I have been so stupid?

And now I am all I have left
Blinded by hatred for myself
Burdened by all the pain I've caused
Craving numbness with every fiber of my being
But knowing I deserve nothing but the pain
The pain that reminds me that I'm alive
When I long not to be

no worries people, just a poem

Poetry Corner?

Yet again...though I feel I can get away with just poetry in my posts cause I'm gonna write more later, seeing as I have posted how often in just one day? Besides, these poems are conveying emotions from the past and here now in my future so I share them instead of this drivel

Worse
Written March 16, 2004

A hollow existence
Nightmarish realities at each turn
I've pulled the mask back on
Slipped back into my hole
Nothing is what it seems
Deny the truth and buy the lie
I've become what I was
And yet somehow worse
I've banished myself into the darkness of
Loss and lonliness
Into the despair of regret and self pity

Perhaps I'll throw another poem out there, maybe one a day...or more a day...feedback?

Written September 6, 2003

Don't leave me here with myself
Alone with my hate, my pain,
My misery, my fear, my sorrow
Battling these demons inside of me
They gnaw and they grow
Feeding off of my anger and hate
And the tears I have yet to cry
I want to not be fragile
To not be shattered
Who do I blame for what I've become?
I don't want it to be myself

Tired

Okay so I couldn't go to sleep until around 6am...or should I say didn't go to sleep till then. Why do I keep myself up so late? I certainly don't enjoy being tired, but I do enjoy sleeping. Why do I have to feel as though I am responsible for everything and everyone around me? (Yes, a lot of questions this morning.) My stomach is nervous, tying itself in knots, I sure as hell am not doing it to myself, I hate this feeling. I don't even know why I have a nervous stomach right now, some turmoil somewhere probably. But I am so over feeling like this. Why do I have nothing of importance to say? I mean it's nothing monumental or cleverly written as McKenzie or Cody's blog posts...here I sit, jealous and pitiful, oh yeah, and tired.

Ah, I'm so fuckin sick of my life (pardon my french, but it is my blog...if you don't like it, well you have your options). No drastic measures will be taken, for those of you worried about me ;), you know who you are. I'm just sick of it, over it, but only I have the power to change it, right? Well what if I'm too lazy to change it...I know, if that's the case I should keep my mouth shut and never let my fingers 'talk' about it again either seeing as then, it's definetely my fault. Okay, so here's the deal, if you survived reading this without being completely bored or sick of my mundane drivel...thank you and congratulations...but if you happen to post a comment that I don't like then your life is in my hands and I shall send some hitmen...obviously a joke cause I have no money to pay hitmen, I'll have to do it all myself! (kidding again, but you should know that)

And so on and so forth...

Okay, so I realize I'm probably just talking to myself here, so I may as well pour my heart out. Or part of it. Feeling incredibly alone lately. I feel as though every friend I make, I lose. And now that my brother has gone away to college, again (technically his Junior year) and has a girlfriend, I feel as though I've lost him too. But what to do when I feel this way? I would usually write, but as mentioned in my profile, writer's block is with me at the moment. Call a friend, well, who? Listen to music, I guess that's my only option. Drive around town and look for a perfect stranger to steal away and force to hang out with me? And of course by perfect I mean perfect. He would be totally gorgeous and automatically fall in love with me and wish he'd been the one stealing me away instead and of course in an ideal situation I would fall in love with him right away as well...but alas, this is nowhere near a perfect world and so I sit here, alone in front of the blareingly bright computer monitor wishing my dull existence wasn't such a menace to those around me.

How bout another poem...perhaps it will speak volumes to certain people.

Drop the delusional act, it's a lie
I am free
My life is now mine, not ours, not yours
Go on and live your life as you should
I will not bounce back into your arms
All you want from me is what you need
Which is what I am not, what I cannot be
I am not yours
I need to learn to be my own
I don't know what you think you need from me,
But you don't
I am not the answer to the way you're feeling
Nor was I ever

You convinced yourself that I was, you were wrong
And you always have been
The lie was complicated, the truth doesn't have to be

Is it too soon?

So, now I find myself wondering, is it too soon to create yet another post? You'll have to forgive me, when I have something new to do, that's all I focus on, thus the 3 posts so far, and all in under a few hours time. Someone suggested to me that I post whatever falls into my lap, so how bout a poem? Even though, so far I only have one loyal reader, and how loyal is he really?


Unseeing eyes
Unknowing eyes
Can't touch the truth

Blindness absorbs light
Absorbs truth

Transparency leads to hate
Leads to suspicion

Love causes pain
Love causes jealousy
Pain and jealousy lead to suspicion

Where is the truth in love?

Ok, so feel free to comment away, all of my (one) loyal readers...

My Apologies

It was brought to my attention that I stole the title of my first post, so how 'bout, "Totally Horrible at This, but I'm Gonna Do It Anyway"?

Sure, I'll write whatever falls into my lap...later

New To This

Okay, so I'm totally new to this whole 'blog' thing, but maybe I'll like it. Thanks to Havok Player and Poka Peacock I am hooked. I find myself wondering what to say now...perhaps I should have started with, "Hi and welcome to...well...nothing important..." but then again...

Could that be considered as over abuse of the whole '...' thing? What say you Havok?

What shall I talk about? I am sort of in love with the idea that I could basically post my 'diary/journel' here and get feedback. Though that's a bit terrifying in itself, isn't it? Any suggestions?

What have I gotten myself into?