WARNING: long blog ahead

I'm convinced that whoever thought up yard work was really bored at the time. I spent nearly 3 hours raking grass at my dad's house yesterday so I had tons of thinking time even in my exhausted state. It's so goddamn repetitive. The breakdown: Someone cuts the grass, rakes it into a pile (or whatever else) sometimes having to rake it to one spot in order to rake it to another, the grass grows, the grass gets cut, the grass gets raked...WTF!!!?? Even though it's a very redundant task...it's the kind of thing I enjoy doing, at first, or if anything just every so often.

I'm plaguing myself with doubts of how the future is going to turn out. I listen intently to songs and there are things sung that seem so...good...and I get to thinking that what I'm hearing is everyday stuff that I could write. Just tonight I came up with something good but I can make nothing of it, can't take it any further. I tend to write these ideas down more often than not, but they just sit there awaiting completion, an ending that may never come and I can't stand that. I realize there are going to be times where something just can't be finished, but when it becomes a constant...what do I do then? Resign myself to the idea that I won't write anything worthy of my approval ever again?

There are several reasons I feel explain why I haven't really blogged in awhile. One of the ideas is that I'm afraid to say what I might have to say. Worried that people will read and take undue offense, but at the same time, the idea of sharing myself with anyone (through blog form) appeals to me.

Another idea is that I can't even form a single thought. That maybe I really don't have anything worth saying, nothing intellectual, no great insight into anything, much less myself.

I love doing things or saying things or wearing things that have people saying, "you're so cute!" or "you're so adorable!" I mean that in the least egotistical way...I'm going to attempt to explain. I'd much rather hear that I'm adorable as opposed to "you're hot". I'm not comfortable with people saying I'm hot, or I'm beautiful...of course now it sounds as if I hear that all the time...but seriously, and I'm sure those who know me get what I'm saying, on the rare occasions that someone's said that about me...it honestly doesn't feel like a compliment. I really don't know how to make this clear. I feel special and loved and all warm fuzzy when I hear "you're adorable." But when I hear "you're beautiful" it just doesn't feel as if it applies to me...maybe that's it...maybe I feel like they're lying, or that they're saying it cause they feel they have to because in my head I don't feel beautiful... See, there it was, one of my intellectual moments I suppose... I don't like hearing that I'm beautiful because I don't feel like I am. Although now I'm stuck because I don't feel that I'm adorable either, I just feel...here...normal...plain... I have no idea.

I don't entertain grand ideas for too long because I've been disappointed and it's easier to plan for the negative than the positive.

I told someone today that they should lower their standards in a soulmate. Why the hell would I say that??? You should never have to lower your standards, should never feel that you have to. You should always, always strive for what you want...but in the back of my head I'm saying, "strive for what you want but be prepared for disappointment" or in the case of the "lower your standards" conversation...I'm thinking, "prepare to never find the one person who's meant for you".

Too often tonight I said things that had me feeling like a stupid fool of a person...it only struck me because that's not how our dynamic usually works.

Wow, omg, just realized something (apparently my ability to over analyze hasn't fully disappeared). I've come into another group where there was a strong bond between two people, and unintentionally turned the duo into a trio...and torn it all to shreds...or caused it all to crumble at least...fuck me.

Okay, now I've made my head hurt, time to do something simpler.

I'm 24 and I still have a blankie (though no, I don't always call it a blankie, I am more mature than that, most times). I'm convinced that it has something to do with me being a child, grandchild and who knows how much further back, of an addict. Or maybe it's a stability, comfort kind of thing.

I believe in God but I'm not religious. I grew up going to a Catholic church (most of the time forced, what kid wants to sit in church?), was baptized Catholic... There was also a time in my life when my mom became a Mormon and so I was around that religion a bit, was actually forced into attending the LDS (Latter Day Saints...technical name for the mormons...I think) church, was also forced to participate in a family prayer every night before going to bed (forced by my then step-father) if I fought it I was threatened with being grounded.

Punishments I've endured: soap in the mouth, even up until middle school age, my bedroom door has been taken off (middle school and high school age), phone privileges taken away, restricted to a certain time limit, removed from my room...

I don't believe in forcing religion on anyone, informing them about it if they want to hear is always a good idea, in my opinion, but religion by force just doesn't bode well. Discriminating people because of their religion is such a ludicrous idea. I believe in God, if you do too, that's cool, if you don't that's cool too. I'm not even meaning that in a "hey if you don't believe that's fine, but when you wind up damned to hell, don't blame me" kind of way, it's just a simple, "fine, you don't believe, let's move on." Bashing my religion or my beliefs just because you don't believe the same is beyond uncalled for, it's offensive to me. Note: that's not directed at you at all, because we've discussed this, I know better.

I often scare myself with the thought of "what if so and so dies?" but only with people who I consider close to me. I've determined that if my brother (who is younger) were to die I'd be beyond devastated, I think there are at least three other people (my friends) who are very nearly in that category.

I'm usually a neat freak. Sometimes a chaotic room puts me in panic attack mode and just overwhelms me. There are so many places I'd love to clean or organize but part of me worries it would offend when I want to do it just because, not I want to do it because I think someone is a slob. I used to clean my brother's room, my cousins's rooms, used to do a thorough organization of C and C's (the kids I used to "nanny" for) rooms all the time. I get that from my dad...though I'll admit I'm also a slight pack rat which I get from my mom who's far more than a slight pack rat.

When I'm asleep I don't want to wake up, when I'm awake I don't want to go to sleep.

I can ride a bike, two wheels no less...which is probably implied since "bike" is a shortened form of "bicycle" which obviously means two wheels.

I can whistle.

I played softball in the 4th grade in a city league. Centerfield more than anything. Was put in as catcher once...that really didn't work out. I've also played short-stop but only for one part of one game. I was a benchwarmer and I was harassed about this at school.

I ran track in 7th and 8th grade...I wasn't very good. The hardest thing I ran was the 400m. In the 8th grade breathing while I was exerted seemed to become difficult. I think I might have some type of asthma but the doctors I saw later in life found no asthma. I still love the idea of running, especially great distances, but whenever I try to make it a reality I wind up feeling near death within five minutes.

I started TaeKwonDo the summer before my senior year of high school. On our belt ranking system I am (or was) a low-red belt. {System goes as follows, lowest to highest: White, Low-Yellow, Yellow (or High-yellow), Low-Green, Green, Low-Blue, Blue, Low-Red, Red, Recommended Black Belt, 1st Degree Black Belt...and so on} While doing a warm-up I did a kick and landed wrong causing me to sprain my ankle which caused me to be unable to train for awhile... When I first started TKD I made a decision that it was going to be something I followed through with, after I sprained my ankle and couldn't train for a bit I found it hard to get back into the routine of it all and eventually started taking "breaks" more often. A few problems arose and now I no longer train at all.

While training in TKD I learned some ju-jitsu...grappling (not sure if they're meant to be one in the same or not). I wasn't much for learning actual moves I much preferred just going at it and doing whatever I could not to be the one submitting. I used to be rather wiley (sp?) and monkey like. (no, none of that was meant in a sexual way as I'm sure it could appear.)

I hate being hurt, but more than anything I hate knowing I've caused anyone to hurt, offended anyone...even if they're my enemy or anything close to an enemy. I want too much to please everyone and make everyone happy. I'm afraid to commit to certain things because I worry that I'll get to a point where I want to back out but will be too chicken to do so, even when I know it's necessary.

I suppose that's enough for now? I could probably go on and on, surprisingly. Could just make this a "to be continued" sort of thing...whatever.

I think I'm in a bad frame of mind, and it's slipping lower. I want to be rescued. I think my existance is pointless. I feel that the people around me are disappointed in me, or that I will eventually disappoint them - I think they're all better off without me and should run in the opposite direction of me.