New red hair...



Last two pics are a tad bright, sorry.







(Look at that cowlick just sticking out there...)

Man, I need a hair cut.

Thought I'd just let you all know I got the job for sure, I start Tuesday morning.

So my group:

The girl who knew too much (but we love her more)
The boy with no tongue (but a lot of heart)
The boy who was meant to be (but he's a McTard...forgive me)

and

me (brand x...they're freckles...apparently they're a curse)

Nobody hurt me, I hurt myself...still.

It kills me that I don't feel the things I remember, it all feels so damn dream like.
As if I was in a coma and I'm just now waking, that this year was me reacquainting myself with the world.
I knew him, he knew me.
I try to force it all back into reality.
I should feel it feel him, feel her but there's nothing there.
All those years, they're just gone.
All these tears, they're all I've got.
There's no documenting any of it and if I don't feel the memories then what is there to hold onto?

They were real, IT was real, we existed.
Now they exist, life moves on, I waste away.

You know enough about it. No matter what though, no amount of knowledge could ever bring you close to being there - NONE. So no matter how many times I go on and on about it, you can only sit there and nod your damn heads, feign interest, feign concern - I'm in it STILL. I'll never get out of my own fucking head.

Apparently it takes me at least one year to process the real brutal shit. Yeah, yeah pat me on the back I got away - from what?? You don't know, you can't tell me.

Won't you just fucking see me?
See and know that I'm falling apart, that I need to be rescued?
That it's easier to be strong and take care of you than sit around and wait for someone to do it for me??

What you're seeing, it's not what you're getting.

**Theme music to all this bullshit - "Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace**

Grazie mille.

Last Tuesday I went on a job interview for a company called TSI (Technical services Inc.). The interview went real well. The company puts circuit boards together and they've got three companies that they put whole products together for as opposed to just making circuit boards.

The woman who interviewed me had me do a mock circuit board, I had to copy the example circuit board as quickly as possible, some of the pieces have to be put in facing certain ways, other than that I just had to get it done. There were about 10 pieces, one was incredibly tiny. She'd given me a pair of pliers but said I could use my fingers if I preferred. Didn't need the pliers at all, not even with the little piece which she pointed out afterwards that she'd never seen anyone put that piece in without the pliers. She seemed shocked at how quickly I'd finished because she said I didn't even look rushed but I'd done a great job and a quick one as well. She said that it was too bad they didn't have an opening in that part of assembly at the time.

She said that she needed to find a few other people to fill some positions but that she really wanted to hire me, not an, "I want to hire you, but..." kind of thing either. I left feeling rather confident.

On Friday I gave her a call back to see if the positions had been filled and she informed me that they had but there was going to be another opening on the 24th but that the company hadn't decided if they wanted to hire internally or find someone new so she said she'd find that out and call me back. Turns out she still wants to hire me and thinks I'd have more fun in whatever position is opening.

I'm nervous as all get out. I'm afraid of her calling tomorrow and saying I've got the job for sure. You'd think I'd be more worried about her not calling, or calling to let me know she doesn't have a place for me. I'm so terrified that I would even back down from the job, decline when she says I'm hired, I'm not stupid enough to do that, but it's been a thought in the back of my mind.

Now, she might not call tomorrow cause she's not sure how soon they're looking to fill the spot, it could be the next day, it could be a few days after that.

Why the fuck am I so scared? Time to stop thinking about it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been really hot here the last few days, was about 90 degrees F at around 5/6pm yesterday. This is a tad odd for us here because August is usually when we experience our hot weather. I've been dying from the heat, but at the same time I'm loving it. Although, my mom's house, which is almost always too cold, is holding so much heat. We've got every window open and a few fans running. This is definitely hot to us western Washington folk, and I'm going to make it a point to acknowledge the fact that I know it's hotter in quite a few other states as well. Sleeping's been harder to do with this heat cause I have to sleep with covers on or I feel naked in a way. Just a sheet over me will not do it, there has to be something I can feel, something heavy-like.

Went swimming yesterday and today and both times we didn't go until the evening which around here would be a stupid thing to do cause it would be cold and pointless but, the water's been great. I started swimming lessons at the age of 3 so I like to think I can swim decently. Over the years though I've given myself a bit of a fear of water, the idea of something grabbing me and pulling me under...all that jazz (hehe, I used to panic about climbing out of the pool, afraid some invisible thing was going to grab my feet as I climbed out. I imagine that anyone who saw me climbing out in a panicked rush got quite a show), not to mention my ears have pressure issues or did anyway whenever I tried to touch the bottom of the 12 foot pool. Well today I tried to get below the surface of the water and swim as far as I could on the one breath. Usually that kind of thing terrifies me, especially in murky lake water, but today I did well. Found out my lung capacity blows massively and that I'm so not in shape. I need more endurance.

Enough with the boring time to sleep I think.

WARNING: long blog ahead

I'm convinced that whoever thought up yard work was really bored at the time. I spent nearly 3 hours raking grass at my dad's house yesterday so I had tons of thinking time even in my exhausted state. It's so goddamn repetitive. The breakdown: Someone cuts the grass, rakes it into a pile (or whatever else) sometimes having to rake it to one spot in order to rake it to another, the grass grows, the grass gets cut, the grass gets raked...WTF!!!?? Even though it's a very redundant task...it's the kind of thing I enjoy doing, at first, or if anything just every so often.

I'm plaguing myself with doubts of how the future is going to turn out. I listen intently to songs and there are things sung that seem so...good...and I get to thinking that what I'm hearing is everyday stuff that I could write. Just tonight I came up with something good but I can make nothing of it, can't take it any further. I tend to write these ideas down more often than not, but they just sit there awaiting completion, an ending that may never come and I can't stand that. I realize there are going to be times where something just can't be finished, but when it becomes a constant...what do I do then? Resign myself to the idea that I won't write anything worthy of my approval ever again?

There are several reasons I feel explain why I haven't really blogged in awhile. One of the ideas is that I'm afraid to say what I might have to say. Worried that people will read and take undue offense, but at the same time, the idea of sharing myself with anyone (through blog form) appeals to me.

Another idea is that I can't even form a single thought. That maybe I really don't have anything worth saying, nothing intellectual, no great insight into anything, much less myself.

I love doing things or saying things or wearing things that have people saying, "you're so cute!" or "you're so adorable!" I mean that in the least egotistical way...I'm going to attempt to explain. I'd much rather hear that I'm adorable as opposed to "you're hot". I'm not comfortable with people saying I'm hot, or I'm beautiful...of course now it sounds as if I hear that all the time...but seriously, and I'm sure those who know me get what I'm saying, on the rare occasions that someone's said that about me...it honestly doesn't feel like a compliment. I really don't know how to make this clear. I feel special and loved and all warm fuzzy when I hear "you're adorable." But when I hear "you're beautiful" it just doesn't feel as if it applies to me...maybe that's it...maybe I feel like they're lying, or that they're saying it cause they feel they have to because in my head I don't feel beautiful... See, there it was, one of my intellectual moments I suppose... I don't like hearing that I'm beautiful because I don't feel like I am. Although now I'm stuck because I don't feel that I'm adorable either, I just feel...here...normal...plain... I have no idea.

I don't entertain grand ideas for too long because I've been disappointed and it's easier to plan for the negative than the positive.

I told someone today that they should lower their standards in a soulmate. Why the hell would I say that??? You should never have to lower your standards, should never feel that you have to. You should always, always strive for what you want...but in the back of my head I'm saying, "strive for what you want but be prepared for disappointment" or in the case of the "lower your standards" conversation...I'm thinking, "prepare to never find the one person who's meant for you".

Too often tonight I said things that had me feeling like a stupid fool of a person...it only struck me because that's not how our dynamic usually works.

Wow, omg, just realized something (apparently my ability to over analyze hasn't fully disappeared). I've come into another group where there was a strong bond between two people, and unintentionally turned the duo into a trio...and torn it all to shreds...or caused it all to crumble at least...fuck me.

Okay, now I've made my head hurt, time to do something simpler.

I'm 24 and I still have a blankie (though no, I don't always call it a blankie, I am more mature than that, most times). I'm convinced that it has something to do with me being a child, grandchild and who knows how much further back, of an addict. Or maybe it's a stability, comfort kind of thing.

I believe in God but I'm not religious. I grew up going to a Catholic church (most of the time forced, what kid wants to sit in church?), was baptized Catholic... There was also a time in my life when my mom became a Mormon and so I was around that religion a bit, was actually forced into attending the LDS (Latter Day Saints...technical name for the mormons...I think) church, was also forced to participate in a family prayer every night before going to bed (forced by my then step-father) if I fought it I was threatened with being grounded.

Punishments I've endured: soap in the mouth, even up until middle school age, my bedroom door has been taken off (middle school and high school age), phone privileges taken away, restricted to a certain time limit, removed from my room...

I don't believe in forcing religion on anyone, informing them about it if they want to hear is always a good idea, in my opinion, but religion by force just doesn't bode well. Discriminating people because of their religion is such a ludicrous idea. I believe in God, if you do too, that's cool, if you don't that's cool too. I'm not even meaning that in a "hey if you don't believe that's fine, but when you wind up damned to hell, don't blame me" kind of way, it's just a simple, "fine, you don't believe, let's move on." Bashing my religion or my beliefs just because you don't believe the same is beyond uncalled for, it's offensive to me. Note: that's not directed at you at all, because we've discussed this, I know better.

I often scare myself with the thought of "what if so and so dies?" but only with people who I consider close to me. I've determined that if my brother (who is younger) were to die I'd be beyond devastated, I think there are at least three other people (my friends) who are very nearly in that category.

I'm usually a neat freak. Sometimes a chaotic room puts me in panic attack mode and just overwhelms me. There are so many places I'd love to clean or organize but part of me worries it would offend when I want to do it just because, not I want to do it because I think someone is a slob. I used to clean my brother's room, my cousins's rooms, used to do a thorough organization of C and C's (the kids I used to "nanny" for) rooms all the time. I get that from my dad...though I'll admit I'm also a slight pack rat which I get from my mom who's far more than a slight pack rat.

When I'm asleep I don't want to wake up, when I'm awake I don't want to go to sleep.

I can ride a bike, two wheels no less...which is probably implied since "bike" is a shortened form of "bicycle" which obviously means two wheels.

I can whistle.

I played softball in the 4th grade in a city league. Centerfield more than anything. Was put in as catcher once...that really didn't work out. I've also played short-stop but only for one part of one game. I was a benchwarmer and I was harassed about this at school.

I ran track in 7th and 8th grade...I wasn't very good. The hardest thing I ran was the 400m. In the 8th grade breathing while I was exerted seemed to become difficult. I think I might have some type of asthma but the doctors I saw later in life found no asthma. I still love the idea of running, especially great distances, but whenever I try to make it a reality I wind up feeling near death within five minutes.

I started TaeKwonDo the summer before my senior year of high school. On our belt ranking system I am (or was) a low-red belt. {System goes as follows, lowest to highest: White, Low-Yellow, Yellow (or High-yellow), Low-Green, Green, Low-Blue, Blue, Low-Red, Red, Recommended Black Belt, 1st Degree Black Belt...and so on} While doing a warm-up I did a kick and landed wrong causing me to sprain my ankle which caused me to be unable to train for awhile... When I first started TKD I made a decision that it was going to be something I followed through with, after I sprained my ankle and couldn't train for a bit I found it hard to get back into the routine of it all and eventually started taking "breaks" more often. A few problems arose and now I no longer train at all.

While training in TKD I learned some ju-jitsu...grappling (not sure if they're meant to be one in the same or not). I wasn't much for learning actual moves I much preferred just going at it and doing whatever I could not to be the one submitting. I used to be rather wiley (sp?) and monkey like. (no, none of that was meant in a sexual way as I'm sure it could appear.)

I hate being hurt, but more than anything I hate knowing I've caused anyone to hurt, offended anyone...even if they're my enemy or anything close to an enemy. I want too much to please everyone and make everyone happy. I'm afraid to commit to certain things because I worry that I'll get to a point where I want to back out but will be too chicken to do so, even when I know it's necessary.

I suppose that's enough for now? I could probably go on and on, surprisingly. Could just make this a "to be continued" sort of thing...whatever.

I think I'm in a bad frame of mind, and it's slipping lower. I want to be rescued. I think my existance is pointless. I feel that the people around me are disappointed in me, or that I will eventually disappoint them - I think they're all better off without me and should run in the opposite direction of me.

Another me song...to a guy obviously, of all the versions though I think I prefer the one with the Dixie Chicks.

But I have this song stuck in my head, Cody does an amazing job with it as well.

I promise this won't be what my posts are entirely about, but at the moment I'm not in a position to blog in full...I'm not even sure what I'd blog about.

He thinks this song is for me.

I think this is one of my songs.

Today I asked McKenzie if she ever heard a song and thought something along the lines of, "That's me. If someone I know heard it, they'd think that's Megan."

I've got so much music I could put together a compilation for almost every moment in my life. There are songs I hear that when I'm with someone and the song plays at just the right moment I wonder, "Is he hearing these words and thinking of how they apply to this very situation?"

The only one that's popping into my head at the moment is "Touche" by Godsmack. In my previous relationship, he always thought along the lines of, "fine, if she's going to do that, then I'm going to do it back to her." This song makes me think he'd be singing it to me.

I know there are so many other songs and so many other feelings tied to them, the list would be too intense, not to mention too frustrating to attempt to put together.


And dude, rainbows. WTF?! Why the hell does a rainbow have to signify gay pride? Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with anyone in particular for this, but some pretty refractions of light in the sky...something kids love to draw, something people love to believe has a pot of gold at the end...is the gay pride symbol???!!! You're not supposed to care what others think, this I know, and we all know it's a crock cause almost all of us do care, but I don't want to be thought of as gay if I have a sticker or anything with a rainbow on it. This could also be taken as me thinking it's an offensive thing to be mistaken or accused of being gay, but it's simply me not wanting to be judged cause rainbows are fucking awesome.

And if life could be anything like the movie The Matrix, I want to be able to link up to a computer and have anything and everything there is to know about computers and numerous other things downloaded into my brain so that I just know these things without having to take a class or learn any other way. Amen. *sharp nod*

Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.

You want a movie that'll make you think? Schindler's List.

As I was watching this movie, thoughts popped into my head, which is incredibly annoying cause when these kind of thoughts pop up, I let them play out. Why's this irritating? It's irritating because I get a good flow going and I try my damnedest to remember key parts of the thought so I can write it down later...the unfortunate thing is, this rarely works.

Everything, at it's core, is pointless, it's all just redundant idiocy.

I have such respect for human kind. The thought of killing someone because you don't like them, because they're this color or they practice this religion, or they look different from what you think they should look like, etc. It's all so fucking insane, it makes me hate, no, let me rephrase cause I can hear my dad now, "it doesn't make you do anything." He'd be right, it causes me to feel hate...which, if you think on it too hard, makes me just as bad though it looks as if it's better.

Back to everything is pointless...

War, pointless at the core. What's war for? To show power, to control, to dominate (yes I realize these are basically the same things but they're in my head so they're getting put down), to conquer, to claim that which isn't yours to make it into your own? Once you've "accomplished" your goal, there you are...feared, revered, admired, hated...either way, what's the fucking point? You don't have enough so you take more, nothing is ever going to satisfy the need to have everything.

Life, pointless at the core. What's the point of life? To exist, to make a mark, to do some good, to learn and grow? After all that, you're dead, sure, you might get remembered for doing something monumental, but who fucking cares? I'm not being suicidal, I'm not saying I'd rather just sit around cause I'm just going to die sooner or later.

I know, this is a downer post and I know there are so many other standpoints, other views, but this is what's in my head, this is what's real to me. I'm uneducated on most things, such as the current war, maybe I'm stupid for not want to be educated in this matter *shrugs*, I don't know. I'm not happy that people are dying for a cause I'm uneducated about, I'm not happy that one day some people hijacked our planes and caused the deaths of so many people.

I know this is how the world works, I'm not saying that's right mind you, I would never say that. All I can do, all anyone can do is his or her part, good or bad, to change the outcome, good or bad, either way, we are all going to die. Maybe your name and memory live on, maybe they don't.

I don't know anymore. I feel as if this post is all over the place, I can't keep going, I've said my piece.

The significance of the girl in the red coat, the only color in the film...this topic has been stuck in my head ever since I had to write a paper on it back in middle school (possibly high school). I do know the true meaning, well Schindler's meaning anyway, but I'm afraid that at this moment, I've got nothing for it either.