(What happened to the mood I was in earlier? That post below this seems so far away.)

I'm sitting here, with all these pent up feelings. The only problem is, I don't know what these feelings are. I'm upset, I know they're not happy feelings. I don't know what I'm upset about. I feel as though if I were to just have a good cry I'd be fine. I'm frustrated that I can't write more than a few lines. I've been having great times with my friends lately so that's not an issue. Hell, if anything I panic when I know our time together is going to be over for the day or whatever. I've gotten a few really good e-mails. I'm alive, I'm fine, I just can't be happy.

I'm sitting here, knowing that if I were to pick up my mouse right now and throw it at the wall as hard as I can and watch it shatter I'd feel good about it. I want to punch the walls the way I used to but I'm not upset enough to do it without thinking and without it hurting right away. I want to get a baseball bat and smash the hell out of everything...but of course, at the same time I don't want to. The repercussions of smashing all my shit to pieces would be...devastating. Part of me wants to make a playlist of all the songs that fit my mood right now, put on some headphones and scream along with them until I'm hoarse...but I never get that far. The list never gets made, my voice never fades from me.

I'm sitting here wondering why I'm sitting here. Why the hell don't I just up and join some branch of the military and get away from everything? I mean it'd solve the, "I don't have a job" problem and I'd have to get in shape, I mean come on, boot camp isn't going to be easy. Apparently I'm all about the easy way out. Of course there's a far easier way of getting away from things huh? But if I failed at that I'd have a million and one people wanting to kill me themselves. I feel as though I could ball myself up and just lay on the floor forever. But what's the point? What's the point of anything?

We keep talking about all these, "when we're famous" moments. When am I ever really going to be famous? What the hell am I going to be famous for? Following you around? I mean come on, I don't really want fame, I mean I could care less if I'm famous or not. I want fame for you, you're two of the what, five most important people in my life. I want everything good for you and nothing, I mean nothing could change that. But with no money, no job, nothing to me aside from my car (and a few rescue missions)...I feel as though I have nothing to offer (I know you'll correct me on this, but forgive me, I still don't see it). What's the fucking appeal? Don't get me wrong, this post has nothing to do with this paragraph, I mean this post wasn't brought about by some deep seeded feelings that are being portrayed in this paragraph. This is my brain draining. I need to know for a fact I'm not a burden to you guys. I need to know you're not tired of me needing to be around. I know you'd probably lie even if I were but I don't want the lie, even if the truth could hurt, I don't want to ruin anything. Our friendship, twisted as it can be, is at the moment, the most important thing in my life.

This is me paranoid about whatever future I'm going to have. I want money, no matter what, money fixes shit, certainly not everything and it can't buy happiness, well not completely. Money...it would help me help people I care about. It would relax so many things so that focus could be put on more important issues so to speak. Fuck that...I just don't know, fuck it.

Maybe my body's just rebelling against me. I mean I've seen pain change people from docile one moment to pissed the hell off for no fucking reason in seconds. My back and neck have been bothering me off and on, causing headaches, tension, you name it. I didn't really notice it or think much of it until the last few nights. Maybe I am just insane. I sign on to WoW now more often to just not feel alone. I don't feel like sleeping, I just stay online hoping someone will be there just so I don't have to feel alone, most times I don't even have to know the person, just so I know someone is there.

You miss spooning. Fuck, I miss spooning. I miss someone loving me and showing it every moment of every day. I'm a superficial bitch though. I have to know what you look like, I have to know that even though I'm attracted to everything else about you, I need to be sure I'm attracted to the physical you, even just the tiniest fucking bit. And that pisses me off, looks aren't everything, I think I'm ugly, fugly even, but I have to be attracted to someone to even begin to be comfortable to confessing how head over heels someone makes me just by calling me "beautiful". I'm an unimaginable bitch for being that way. You say I'm sweet, but what kind of sweet girl feels this way? What kind of sweet girl would drop everything if the guy isn't a touch attractive to her? I don't need a drop dead gorgeous hunk of a man, I know I'm not that superficial, I'm not asking for any sort of perfection, 'cept maybe the perfect guy for me, but fuck, why? (Of course I know if I find the right guy even if he's not a 'drop dead gorgeous hunk of a man' to everyone else, he will be to me.) I've got it in my head that there's no way anyone who could possibly be attractive in any way would be attracted to me. I've seen a picture of you, nothing recent, nothing with a normal expression...just not enough...but I know you're cute, but who would be attracted to me? I don't get it. I fucking hate that. Same goes for this paragraph, this post isn't based off of it either. But I'm a chicken shit, so instead of saying it to your face or privately, it's here, for the world to view, forgive me for that. I so don't want to hurt you, I couldn't imagine hurting you, I hate hurting anyone.

Who's tired of hearing the same old shit from me? I've shut up, I don't drown my friends in my bullshit anymore cause it's repetitive and it's nonsense and hell, most of the time it doesn't cross my mind until I'm alone with myself. Yeah, I need a job, but a job isn't going to fix me.

When am I going to learn to live on my own? To live without needing someone? It's nobody's job to fix me, nobody but me of course and I'm liable to break myself more.

Could someone just scoop me up and hold me, hold me till I'm exhausted and fall asleep with you there? It almost happened, sleep almost came to me first, what do I do wrong?

"Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about somebody else
It's best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good"