I can't do this.
I can't be awake, not awake and alone.
I can't be here without someone to catch me when I fall.

I need to be treated tenderly.
I need to be held just to know someone's there.

You never knowingly watched a loved one die;
Their life dwindling.
Recognition fleeting and fading from their eyes
To be replaced with an empty look of hate.
Hate because you're the adult now and she's the child,
Hate because you're smart enough to know what she's seeing isn't really there.

You think I'd be smart enough to know it's not her anymore
But as long as she's still breathing
And her heart's still beating, she's still there.

You never knowingly watched your family fall apart;
Tearing each other to shreds over nothing.
There's no rest for the wicked or the dying.
Your own flesh and blood, her daughters, rob her blind,
There'll be nothing left to divide, no reason to carry out her will when death does come.

You never knowingly watched your mother suffer
Hidden behind the facade of strength.
Her responsibilities piling on and weighing on her mind and body.
The hatred and love showing in every frustrated sigh.
You never watched her sign an order of "do not resuscitate" at her mother's request with a straight face.

You never forgive yourself for wanting it to end
Even though she's prayed for the same, day after day.
She's abandoned me, I've abandoned her.
You've never felt the sting of saying I love you and giving a kiss
To someone who returns neither and by choice.

All I've got now are memories,
The good are slowly being replaced with all of this bullshit.
Because I can't walk away and wait for it to end,
I can't leave my mom to deal with all of this alone
Especially when she's worried she'll suffer the same fate.

Would drugs help me? Maybe they'd change or remove this fear in me that prevents me from doing what I need to do.

I'm fucking sick of feeling as though I have something to say but the second I have the opportunity to write or speak...there's nothing there. I don't have anything special to say to anyone so I'm wondering what the point is.


Music's all I've got. I can't seem to write anymore, fuck singing, and fuck being surrounded by the people I care about, I know it can't happen and I feel that it's selfish to want it as badly as I do.

There is no warmth in this empty space.

I'm done for now, this is all fucked...is it really wise/safe to allow people like me to blog at this hour?

Sometimes a girl just needs to be rescued,
From herself, from her life.

"I want someone to know me...maybe tell me who I am"

I'll admit I sort of stole the idea from Cody, but then again, I know it's been done before. My reasoning might be different from his though. I don't know what else to say other than there are tons more I could list if I really wanted to go any further.


"If this is what it takes
Just to lie with my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through"

"Hey, I want to crawl out of my skin
Apologize for all my sins
All the things I should have said to you
Hey, I can't make it go away
Over and over in my brain again
All the things I should have said to you"

"You don't wanna be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
And you don't wanna look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out
All this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
And it did because of me"

"All your insides fall to pieces
You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you
You'll be the one screaming out"

"One more day that I've survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind I'm doing fine
I'm breathing on my own."

"And it's always little things
That to the surface brings
The comfort in the pain
The fear behind the smile
We lose along the way
The things we leave behind
Along the precipice
Of things we should not climb
And I'm the first in line

There's an anchor around my heart
Dragging me down
Behind the waves in silence I fall
There's a halo above my head
Spinning me 'round
'Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead
A dagger in my hand
Bleeding me dry"

"Hushed with a finger
Don't say you'll never when you might
Or just another time
This poison comes instruction free
Do what you want, but I'm drinking"

"Crashing down was my biggest mistake
I never ever meant to hurt you
I only did what I had to"

"I keep a journal of memories
Feeling lonely I can't breathe
Fall to pieces I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling"

"I am nothing more than a little boy (girl) inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
Cause I talk to you like children
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right isn't feel
Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said"

"I always fail to see the little things in front of me
The things that mean so much to you
A way to let you know
That I appreciate the way you always tolerate
But sometimes when I medicate
Frusteration in you shows me how you feel"

"A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself"

"That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good whether with or without you"

"Mom why love me if you're cold
You'll just get bitter then grow old
Ask me when I start to weep
Then I'll tell you in my sleep
Why I sing my lullaby"

"Well I always say, it would be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this aching
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you, I'll just hang"

"Help me, comfort me
Stop me from feeling what I'm feeling now"

Is it bad that I want to get the shit kicked out of me?

Just saw a Johnson's Soothing Naturals lotion commercial...guys holding babies is freaking hot!

Southern accents are still really hot too.

Weirdo

I want simplicity...but I don't want everything easy. Does that even make sense?

The simplest of things make me happy most times. I mean I actually enjoy yard work like mowing the lawn, trimming bushes... When my dad moved into his first house after the divorce I was the only one willing to help him (something he still brings up to people) move railroad ties that he used for his landscaping and those mothers are heavy. We also had to shovel and haul river rock for his landscaping as well, now that was some painstaking work. This kind of work has just always been a part of me. I grew up doing it at my grandparent's, heck, I was the one who found the really ancient push lawn mower...the kind with no engine...and it was made out of wood making it a heavy thing. I asked my grandma if I could use it and from then on I kept the back yard mowed with it lol. I like being able to do things that I can see my progress and look back and be proud of, even if it's something anyone can do. I'm a weirdo.

I'm a neat freak as well though I'll admit that there are times when I don't take care of my own area but I know I'm not the only one who has that issue. I get a tad claustrophobic and panic in really messy places. I don't mind organized messes though. I mean here at my mom's house she's got a few rooms that are in chaos and I've gone through one and all I had to do was stack stuff up and move a few things around and it's still a bit cramped but at least it looks neater and if we need it, the bed is no longer being used for storing my mom's crap. Other people's messes bother me but not in a, "wow, they're such slobs manner". Most times I just feel like I want to clean up there stuff for them, and not in an insulting way, I mean I'd thoroughly enjoy it, but I have a feeling tons of people would be insulted and embarrassed by that. When I was younger I used to clean my brother's room for him. All he had to do was sit on his bed playing his Gameboy or whatever and I'd say "keep" or "get rid of" with things. I taught him a new way of folding his close... I used to go to my cousin's house and do the same. Now their rooms were REAL bad and they always got really annoyed that I wanted to clean their rooms...*sigh* oh well. My dad still brags that at night I'd clean my room *shakes head and giggles* oh what a weird child I was.

(What happened to the mood I was in earlier? That post below this seems so far away.)

I'm sitting here, with all these pent up feelings. The only problem is, I don't know what these feelings are. I'm upset, I know they're not happy feelings. I don't know what I'm upset about. I feel as though if I were to just have a good cry I'd be fine. I'm frustrated that I can't write more than a few lines. I've been having great times with my friends lately so that's not an issue. Hell, if anything I panic when I know our time together is going to be over for the day or whatever. I've gotten a few really good e-mails. I'm alive, I'm fine, I just can't be happy.

I'm sitting here, knowing that if I were to pick up my mouse right now and throw it at the wall as hard as I can and watch it shatter I'd feel good about it. I want to punch the walls the way I used to but I'm not upset enough to do it without thinking and without it hurting right away. I want to get a baseball bat and smash the hell out of everything...but of course, at the same time I don't want to. The repercussions of smashing all my shit to pieces would be...devastating. Part of me wants to make a playlist of all the songs that fit my mood right now, put on some headphones and scream along with them until I'm hoarse...but I never get that far. The list never gets made, my voice never fades from me.

I'm sitting here wondering why I'm sitting here. Why the hell don't I just up and join some branch of the military and get away from everything? I mean it'd solve the, "I don't have a job" problem and I'd have to get in shape, I mean come on, boot camp isn't going to be easy. Apparently I'm all about the easy way out. Of course there's a far easier way of getting away from things huh? But if I failed at that I'd have a million and one people wanting to kill me themselves. I feel as though I could ball myself up and just lay on the floor forever. But what's the point? What's the point of anything?

We keep talking about all these, "when we're famous" moments. When am I ever really going to be famous? What the hell am I going to be famous for? Following you around? I mean come on, I don't really want fame, I mean I could care less if I'm famous or not. I want fame for you, you're two of the what, five most important people in my life. I want everything good for you and nothing, I mean nothing could change that. But with no money, no job, nothing to me aside from my car (and a few rescue missions)...I feel as though I have nothing to offer (I know you'll correct me on this, but forgive me, I still don't see it). What's the fucking appeal? Don't get me wrong, this post has nothing to do with this paragraph, I mean this post wasn't brought about by some deep seeded feelings that are being portrayed in this paragraph. This is my brain draining. I need to know for a fact I'm not a burden to you guys. I need to know you're not tired of me needing to be around. I know you'd probably lie even if I were but I don't want the lie, even if the truth could hurt, I don't want to ruin anything. Our friendship, twisted as it can be, is at the moment, the most important thing in my life.

This is me paranoid about whatever future I'm going to have. I want money, no matter what, money fixes shit, certainly not everything and it can't buy happiness, well not completely. Money...it would help me help people I care about. It would relax so many things so that focus could be put on more important issues so to speak. Fuck that...I just don't know, fuck it.

Maybe my body's just rebelling against me. I mean I've seen pain change people from docile one moment to pissed the hell off for no fucking reason in seconds. My back and neck have been bothering me off and on, causing headaches, tension, you name it. I didn't really notice it or think much of it until the last few nights. Maybe I am just insane. I sign on to WoW now more often to just not feel alone. I don't feel like sleeping, I just stay online hoping someone will be there just so I don't have to feel alone, most times I don't even have to know the person, just so I know someone is there.

You miss spooning. Fuck, I miss spooning. I miss someone loving me and showing it every moment of every day. I'm a superficial bitch though. I have to know what you look like, I have to know that even though I'm attracted to everything else about you, I need to be sure I'm attracted to the physical you, even just the tiniest fucking bit. And that pisses me off, looks aren't everything, I think I'm ugly, fugly even, but I have to be attracted to someone to even begin to be comfortable to confessing how head over heels someone makes me just by calling me "beautiful". I'm an unimaginable bitch for being that way. You say I'm sweet, but what kind of sweet girl feels this way? What kind of sweet girl would drop everything if the guy isn't a touch attractive to her? I don't need a drop dead gorgeous hunk of a man, I know I'm not that superficial, I'm not asking for any sort of perfection, 'cept maybe the perfect guy for me, but fuck, why? (Of course I know if I find the right guy even if he's not a 'drop dead gorgeous hunk of a man' to everyone else, he will be to me.) I've got it in my head that there's no way anyone who could possibly be attractive in any way would be attracted to me. I've seen a picture of you, nothing recent, nothing with a normal expression...just not enough...but I know you're cute, but who would be attracted to me? I don't get it. I fucking hate that. Same goes for this paragraph, this post isn't based off of it either. But I'm a chicken shit, so instead of saying it to your face or privately, it's here, for the world to view, forgive me for that. I so don't want to hurt you, I couldn't imagine hurting you, I hate hurting anyone.

Who's tired of hearing the same old shit from me? I've shut up, I don't drown my friends in my bullshit anymore cause it's repetitive and it's nonsense and hell, most of the time it doesn't cross my mind until I'm alone with myself. Yeah, I need a job, but a job isn't going to fix me.

When am I going to learn to live on my own? To live without needing someone? It's nobody's job to fix me, nobody but me of course and I'm liable to break myself more.

Could someone just scoop me up and hold me, hold me till I'm exhausted and fall asleep with you there? It almost happened, sleep almost came to me first, what do I do wrong?

"Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about somebody else
It's best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good"

Don't Worry McKenzie, I'm All Cooled Down Now...

Today marks the second day in a row I spent part of my day at Deception Pass. Cody and I have been there three times in the last two days and it rocks more than I realized when I was a kid. Cody took a ton of pics which I wish I had access to, but until he gets his ass in gear, the two he sent me earlier today will have to do.

Just so you know McKenzie, I wish you could have been there. And not only am I all cooled down...I'm way past numb...in all the wrong places... Turns out, swimming in the ocean (Pacific...Puget Sound to be percise) isn't so smart at this time of year or well any I'm sure, it'll be fucking cold no matter what...but it rocked anyway, even got Cody to come in. Well I mean him seeing me in the water or something got him in the mood to do it too.

Couldn't totally help it. I've been swimming since I was about 3 years old. When I see huge bodies of water all I want to do is swim. Not that I really swam...Cody wouldn't allow me to go too far on account of the current being insanely strong...and everytime I got anywhere near putting my head in the water I'd start shaking.

Pics from yesterday, well some for now...