When I was a kid I used to get up in the middle of the night and clean my room. Or, when I was sent to my room I used to clean it then as well even though that wasn't part of my punishment. Sometimes in the middle of the night I'd get out of bed scared that my heart wasn't beating anymore and I'd bust out my little Fisher Price docter kit and find the stethoscope just to make sure it was still beating.

In my middle school/high school days I used to try to convince myself that I was in a coma and had been for a really long time and one day I'd wake up and everything would be so much better.

I'll never grow up. That's not me being defiant or avoiding anything in any way shape or form. I honestly feel that I'll be stuck in this mentality forever.

This weekend I'm going camping with my dad and my step-mom and bringing my friend along. She didn't get to do all the camping and stuff like I was raised with so it's a treat for her. This is all assuming my dad is able to get a site. Anyway, I'm looking for this weekend to be a fuck all, do whatever, whenever, however you need to. I want to have fun, I want to be relaxed, I don't want to think beyond day to day necessary thinking. It's a long weekend so...well everyday may as well be part of a weekend for me I suppose. I just want to let go of everything because I feel like I've hit that brick wall.

Is it weird that I want to beat someone up? No one in particular, least not at this moment. If I could, I'd beat myself up. Punching and kicking a punching bag just doesn't have the right effect. I want to do damage, and see it and feel it. I'm sure that's rather unhealthy, but I'd probably only ever beat anyone up if they were attacking me or someone I care about.

I think I'm just going to cuddle up with my very well loved blanket (let's not mince words...it's my blankie, I still have my blankie) and a book, as a very good friend suggested. It's as numb as I can get right now. I'll cling to my ability to be adorable and I'll just be.

Peace.