I give up on the dog.
He's not mine,
Not yours, mine...ours.
I'm not something familiar and missed,
I'm something new and terrifying,
Something to scare the piss out of him.
The reunion wasn't sweet and breathless,
Just frustration and a mess.
He wouldn't even look at me,
Too scared of the stranger who knew his name.
The treats were unrewarding,
My soft voice unable to soothe or control.
He just sat there full of fear
And I full of confirmation that it's over.
I'd hoped he'd help me
Slow the spiral of change,
Remind me of the importance.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
8 signs (just cause it's all I can think of for now)
Signs that the world keeps turning, life does go on, and they can survive without you (the moment you realize you're the only one still mourning)
The dog you loved (and was considered an outdoor only dog) now gets to come into the house, all the time.
You're informed you are no longer "mom" to said dog.
The kids get bigger and smarter.
They replace everything you knew, including the house.
All of the things you used to do are things anyone could do (you are replaceable).
They aren't calling you begging to know where something is, how to do something, or what to do without you.
They can still breathe, which means they're alive...so you wonder how it is that you're still alive.
When a picture of the puppy formerly known as your puppy makes you break down in regret and yearning.
I'm certainly not wishing they couldn't live without me, I'm glad that they can...it's just one of those facts that takes you aback, something you keep denying to yourself and secretly hope for, but not... I'm not really foolish to think they don't still hurt, cause I know they do, but I of course feel that I hurt more, but I doubt I do, they just have actual lives to go back to, I have to restart mine.
It's exactly like mourning a loss, I guess they're done mourning.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Fun times.
So, I'm home, safe and sound. Spent Friday evening all the way to Sunday early afternoon camping at good ole Fort Casey's camping area. As requested it only rained at night after we'd gone to bed, with the slight exception of a bit of drizzle this Sunday morn.
Our water's back on, has been since Friday night I guess. Either way, I'm incredibly grateful, spending a few days without a shower is tolerable but not necessarily something I enjoy. Wish I'd taken pictures of my outdoor excursions, perhaps I'll find some to link before I post.
Got tackled a few times all over a tennis ball but ya know, I miss that kind of pointless fun. Flew a kite ("let's go fly a kite up to the highest height..."), managed to keep it flying from the fort all the way back to our campsite (tougher than it sounds). Ran up and down the steep grass covered hill (I swear it was almost vertical) on the right side of one of the batteries (side of this battery I think: Battery Seymour), tried to kick the soccer ball I brought up to the top where Mips was sitting. We thought the batteries were fall out shelters as a sign in one had said. Mips made me walk through one with her. You have to understand there are no working lights in any part of the fort, and not much is open to the public anymore, much less than what was open when I was kid. No one ever died at the fort (least not that I know of), it was never used in any war or anything. Either way, it still creeps me out walking through any part of the fort where you can't see daylight directly ahead of you and have that darkness at your back.
Yesterday evening we walked along the beach after dinner as the tide was coming in. Mips decided it would be a good idea to take our shoes off, stand on some driftwood, and let the waves splash on our feet. Well for one, she's a chicken, and after a wave finally hit high enough to touch our feet she screamed the whole time the water was rushing over us. For two, she didn't roll her pant legs up enough so to get her to put her shoes back on I had to suggest I strip down to my shorts and she put my properly rolled up pants on in place of hers. This was all highly entertaining, especially since I gave up on standing on the log as a lot of the waves were barely coming close to touching us but she just stood there waiting. A few more large waves came and she kept begging me to come stand with her, but I just sat back grinning at how cute she was being, like some little kid...so not in a bad way.
Later on we went up to the main part of the fort with head-lamps (ya know the dorky ass but rather handy flashlights you wear on your head...hands free yay for us). This is where the real fun began. Park rules, no one in the fort after dusk... what fun is that?
Well, when we first got to the fort we noticed a park ranger telling a group of people it was time to leave the park, or so we assumed as we weren't close enough to hear the conversation but did notice the group disperse. Here's where the fun begins. Evading the rangers...dun dun... We hid out of view of the ranger's car and waited to see where he'd go and a few minutes later we heard someone in a vehicle powering through the walkway below us. I crept out of hiding to see who and where this person was. I had originally thought it was the ranger in his car but it turned out to be someone in a John Deere utility cart. The path this guy was taking was unclear, I did assume however that he might continue along the path below us and then circle up and around to the path up where we were so we had to move fast if my assumption was right. We crouched down wedged between a wall and some prickly bushes until we realized I had been correct. Hid in the shadows just under the two slats of cement ceiling you see in this pic. We had to move again just in case and fast out of sight in some alcove type area just out of sight of where the picture was taken...it got real exciting, well until my thigh cramped then it was only exciting. After the ranger in the cart passed us we waited. It got quiet we came out of hiding moved around...heard the cart again! The ranger was making another pass this time with lights. Back into hiding, but we heard the cart stop and freaked out thinking maybe this time he'd get out of the cart. Ran off into the grass trying to act as if we had come up from the beach and were walking back to camp. We aren't sure if the ranger saw us or not, either way, he left us alone and went about his search. Eventually we heard him leave and ran back up, watched some boats pass, caught our breath, walked around a bit more, heard the cart on occasion and hid, but all in all, made it back to camp well after dusk feeling rather proud of ourselves for not getting caught. I live for that kind of running around, hiding in the grass, acting like someone's after us kind of fun. Sure, I was incredibly paranoid that we'd get caught the second time around and get yelled at cause it would be rather obvious that we'd hidden from the rangers, but no matter we had fun. Spent an hour in my car cooling down and talking.
Camping with my dad isn't really just camping. I'll say we weren't roughing it but we weren't being too spoiled. I don't consider it camping if you're in a camper or an RV, we were in tents, covered well by tarps, with our sleeping bags and air pads (not quite an air mattress that's too spoiled). My dad made mac & cheese with cheddarwurst (my fave) the first night, french toast and sausage Saturday for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch, steak, salad and wild rice for dinner, smores of course, and Sunday's breakfast was pancakes and bacon...I think I eat better camping with my dad than I do living in my mom's house...that's just sad.
Awesome time had by all even though my dad had broken his baby toe Thursday night in Karate and couldn't do much but hobble 'round camp. If any of you are interested, more pictures of the fort can be found here.
Our water's back on, has been since Friday night I guess. Either way, I'm incredibly grateful, spending a few days without a shower is tolerable but not necessarily something I enjoy. Wish I'd taken pictures of my outdoor excursions, perhaps I'll find some to link before I post.
Got tackled a few times all over a tennis ball but ya know, I miss that kind of pointless fun. Flew a kite ("let's go fly a kite up to the highest height..."), managed to keep it flying from the fort all the way back to our campsite (tougher than it sounds). Ran up and down the steep grass covered hill (I swear it was almost vertical) on the right side of one of the batteries (side of this battery I think: Battery Seymour), tried to kick the soccer ball I brought up to the top where Mips was sitting. We thought the batteries were fall out shelters as a sign in one had said. Mips made me walk through one with her. You have to understand there are no working lights in any part of the fort, and not much is open to the public anymore, much less than what was open when I was kid. No one ever died at the fort (least not that I know of), it was never used in any war or anything. Either way, it still creeps me out walking through any part of the fort where you can't see daylight directly ahead of you and have that darkness at your back.
Yesterday evening we walked along the beach after dinner as the tide was coming in. Mips decided it would be a good idea to take our shoes off, stand on some driftwood, and let the waves splash on our feet. Well for one, she's a chicken, and after a wave finally hit high enough to touch our feet she screamed the whole time the water was rushing over us. For two, she didn't roll her pant legs up enough so to get her to put her shoes back on I had to suggest I strip down to my shorts and she put my properly rolled up pants on in place of hers. This was all highly entertaining, especially since I gave up on standing on the log as a lot of the waves were barely coming close to touching us but she just stood there waiting. A few more large waves came and she kept begging me to come stand with her, but I just sat back grinning at how cute she was being, like some little kid...so not in a bad way.
Later on we went up to the main part of the fort with head-lamps (ya know the dorky ass but rather handy flashlights you wear on your head...hands free yay for us). This is where the real fun began. Park rules, no one in the fort after dusk... what fun is that?
Well, when we first got to the fort we noticed a park ranger telling a group of people it was time to leave the park, or so we assumed as we weren't close enough to hear the conversation but did notice the group disperse. Here's where the fun begins. Evading the rangers...dun dun... We hid out of view of the ranger's car and waited to see where he'd go and a few minutes later we heard someone in a vehicle powering through the walkway below us. I crept out of hiding to see who and where this person was. I had originally thought it was the ranger in his car but it turned out to be someone in a John Deere utility cart. The path this guy was taking was unclear, I did assume however that he might continue along the path below us and then circle up and around to the path up where we were so we had to move fast if my assumption was right. We crouched down wedged between a wall and some prickly bushes until we realized I had been correct. Hid in the shadows just under the two slats of cement ceiling you see in this pic. We had to move again just in case and fast out of sight in some alcove type area just out of sight of where the picture was taken...it got real exciting, well until my thigh cramped then it was only exciting. After the ranger in the cart passed us we waited. It got quiet we came out of hiding moved around...heard the cart again! The ranger was making another pass this time with lights. Back into hiding, but we heard the cart stop and freaked out thinking maybe this time he'd get out of the cart. Ran off into the grass trying to act as if we had come up from the beach and were walking back to camp. We aren't sure if the ranger saw us or not, either way, he left us alone and went about his search. Eventually we heard him leave and ran back up, watched some boats pass, caught our breath, walked around a bit more, heard the cart on occasion and hid, but all in all, made it back to camp well after dusk feeling rather proud of ourselves for not getting caught. I live for that kind of running around, hiding in the grass, acting like someone's after us kind of fun. Sure, I was incredibly paranoid that we'd get caught the second time around and get yelled at cause it would be rather obvious that we'd hidden from the rangers, but no matter we had fun. Spent an hour in my car cooling down and talking.
Camping with my dad isn't really just camping. I'll say we weren't roughing it but we weren't being too spoiled. I don't consider it camping if you're in a camper or an RV, we were in tents, covered well by tarps, with our sleeping bags and air pads (not quite an air mattress that's too spoiled). My dad made mac & cheese with cheddarwurst (my fave) the first night, french toast and sausage Saturday for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch, steak, salad and wild rice for dinner, smores of course, and Sunday's breakfast was pancakes and bacon...I think I eat better camping with my dad than I do living in my mom's house...that's just sad.
Awesome time had by all even though my dad had broken his baby toe Thursday night in Karate and couldn't do much but hobble 'round camp. If any of you are interested, more pictures of the fort can be found here.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Water Works
Forgive me, this is, at this point, the only excitement in my life...oh and an opportunity to take pictures not involving me (well maybe my toes but that's it).
So I expect the water bill will be quite high at home this next month... Seems I discovered a leak. Thursday I noticed a puddle outside where there had never been one, not even on the rainiest of days and I traced it to a slowly trickling stream come out of my mom's front flower garden. As this leak was nowhere near the hose I decided I should call my mom. Well the plumber finally came out and said that we did indeed have a leak. My mom and step dad have dug a huge hole, the city has shut off our water (I miss our water already), and we've found the line... Now, to dig more, turn our water back on and find the damn leak.
Pictures...
I'll tell you, I think it's a damn good thing I found it, it might have gone on unnoticed because my mom and step dad don't use the front door, they go in and out through the garage usually. I'm not even a hundred percent certain of why I actually noticed the puddle. I mean sure, it was abnormal, but how many things do we overlook in our day to day lives? Eh, attention to detail perhaps, or just a subtle change in my world but a change nonetheless and I'm not one to like too much change lol.
Guess it's a good thing I'm going camping this weekend, won't have to worry about trying to use the sink and stuff much like you attempt to turn on the lights when the power has gone out.
Hope everyone stays safe this weekend, pray we get very little rain here in the great northwest please and thank you.
So I expect the water bill will be quite high at home this next month... Seems I discovered a leak. Thursday I noticed a puddle outside where there had never been one, not even on the rainiest of days and I traced it to a slowly trickling stream come out of my mom's front flower garden. As this leak was nowhere near the hose I decided I should call my mom. Well the plumber finally came out and said that we did indeed have a leak. My mom and step dad have dug a huge hole, the city has shut off our water (I miss our water already), and we've found the line... Now, to dig more, turn our water back on and find the damn leak.
Pictures...
I'll tell you, I think it's a damn good thing I found it, it might have gone on unnoticed because my mom and step dad don't use the front door, they go in and out through the garage usually. I'm not even a hundred percent certain of why I actually noticed the puddle. I mean sure, it was abnormal, but how many things do we overlook in our day to day lives? Eh, attention to detail perhaps, or just a subtle change in my world but a change nonetheless and I'm not one to like too much change lol.
Guess it's a good thing I'm going camping this weekend, won't have to worry about trying to use the sink and stuff much like you attempt to turn on the lights when the power has gone out.
Hope everyone stays safe this weekend, pray we get very little rain here in the great northwest please and thank you.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Okay, for some odd reason, when I hear a Harry Nilsson song (which isn't often at all) I am reminded of some cartoon I saw when I was really, really young, before elementary school I'm sure. And all I can remember is it's about a boy who lives in a place where everyone has a point, I mean like a point on their head, much like the coneheads (only for visual purposes), except for the boy, he had to wear a hat much like a dunce's cap. And then I can't remember if he had to leave cause he didn't have a pointy head or left because he felt embarassed. Either way, Harry Nilsson did the music for the movie and Ringo Starr was the narrator and the movie was done in 1971...and titled The Point. Very weird that it stuck with me, well the music I mean, just Harry's style I suppose reminded me of the music in the movie.
It's really strange what sticks with us. I mean how in the world can I connect Harry Nilsson's music with anything if I don't listen to his stuff at all, well with the exception of when I put iTunes on random.
The song that triggered it for me was "Everybody's Talkin'" which is on the Forrest Gump soundtrack. But he's got quite a few songs on the You've Got Mail soundtrack which do the same.
It's really strange what sticks with us. I mean how in the world can I connect Harry Nilsson's music with anything if I don't listen to his stuff at all, well with the exception of when I put iTunes on random.
The song that triggered it for me was "Everybody's Talkin'" which is on the Forrest Gump soundtrack. But he's got quite a few songs on the You've Got Mail soundtrack which do the same.
When I was a kid I used to get up in the middle of the night and clean my room. Or, when I was sent to my room I used to clean it then as well even though that wasn't part of my punishment. Sometimes in the middle of the night I'd get out of bed scared that my heart wasn't beating anymore and I'd bust out my little Fisher Price docter kit and find the stethoscope just to make sure it was still beating.
In my middle school/high school days I used to try to convince myself that I was in a coma and had been for a really long time and one day I'd wake up and everything would be so much better.
I'll never grow up. That's not me being defiant or avoiding anything in any way shape or form. I honestly feel that I'll be stuck in this mentality forever.
This weekend I'm going camping with my dad and my step-mom and bringing my friend along. She didn't get to do all the camping and stuff like I was raised with so it's a treat for her. This is all assuming my dad is able to get a site. Anyway, I'm looking for this weekend to be a fuck all, do whatever, whenever, however you need to. I want to have fun, I want to be relaxed, I don't want to think beyond day to day necessary thinking. It's a long weekend so...well everyday may as well be part of a weekend for me I suppose. I just want to let go of everything because I feel like I've hit that brick wall.
Is it weird that I want to beat someone up? No one in particular, least not at this moment. If I could, I'd beat myself up. Punching and kicking a punching bag just doesn't have the right effect. I want to do damage, and see it and feel it. I'm sure that's rather unhealthy, but I'd probably only ever beat anyone up if they were attacking me or someone I care about.
I think I'm just going to cuddle up with my very well loved blanket (let's not mince words...it's my blankie, I still have my blankie) and a book, as a very good friend suggested. It's as numb as I can get right now. I'll cling to my ability to be adorable and I'll just be.
Peace.
In my middle school/high school days I used to try to convince myself that I was in a coma and had been for a really long time and one day I'd wake up and everything would be so much better.
I'll never grow up. That's not me being defiant or avoiding anything in any way shape or form. I honestly feel that I'll be stuck in this mentality forever.
This weekend I'm going camping with my dad and my step-mom and bringing my friend along. She didn't get to do all the camping and stuff like I was raised with so it's a treat for her. This is all assuming my dad is able to get a site. Anyway, I'm looking for this weekend to be a fuck all, do whatever, whenever, however you need to. I want to have fun, I want to be relaxed, I don't want to think beyond day to day necessary thinking. It's a long weekend so...well everyday may as well be part of a weekend for me I suppose. I just want to let go of everything because I feel like I've hit that brick wall.
Is it weird that I want to beat someone up? No one in particular, least not at this moment. If I could, I'd beat myself up. Punching and kicking a punching bag just doesn't have the right effect. I want to do damage, and see it and feel it. I'm sure that's rather unhealthy, but I'd probably only ever beat anyone up if they were attacking me or someone I care about.
I think I'm just going to cuddle up with my very well loved blanket (let's not mince words...it's my blankie, I still have my blankie) and a book, as a very good friend suggested. It's as numb as I can get right now. I'll cling to my ability to be adorable and I'll just be.
Peace.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I don't feel like it happened, but it did. I need to feel like it existed like it happened, like I was there. Sure there were bad times, but goddamn it all to hell, there were good times too. That was my family for almost six years.
I fucking miss burying my face into someone's back, into someone's chest, just to have that comfort. They don't even have to hold me, they don't even have to touch me aside from the contact I make with them, I just fucking miss it.
I haven't really blogged in awhile and I miss that too.
And, totally unrelated to the above...just wrote this, literally just. I'm amazed by it...hope that's not wrong...
Here with me pressed against your chest
Breathing in, breathing out
A heartbeat to set the pace
Gently run your hands across my face
Cast the spell that calms and soothes
Every curve I fit
A mold that holds me safely in place
Tender sighs let me know I'm alive
Surrender to something deep and renewing
All the world, it fades away
All the haunts from my day
Hold me close and I will know
You are my home
I am home
I fucking miss burying my face into someone's back, into someone's chest, just to have that comfort. They don't even have to hold me, they don't even have to touch me aside from the contact I make with them, I just fucking miss it.
I haven't really blogged in awhile and I miss that too.
And, totally unrelated to the above...just wrote this, literally just. I'm amazed by it...hope that's not wrong...
Here with me pressed against your chest
Breathing in, breathing out
A heartbeat to set the pace
Gently run your hands across my face
Cast the spell that calms and soothes
Every curve I fit
A mold that holds me safely in place
Tender sighs let me know I'm alive
Surrender to something deep and renewing
All the world, it fades away
All the haunts from my day
Hold me close and I will know
You are my home
I am home
Monday, May 08, 2006
I'm going to post this here then move it later, seems easier that way.
My alibi is clear, my mind is not.
I've been here with the pill,
Writhing on the floor,
Broken to the core,
Shaking with uncertainty.
Time is short, the pain it fits.
I'm flirting with the edge,
What I get may be more than I bargained for.
Darkened skies and dampened eyes,
I'm wearing this disguise.
Convinced nothing else will work.
I'll be the one to die tonight,
Just relax and let yourself breathe.
My emotions will amplify,
This high spawns from my own disease.
It's all been torn apart and discarded,
You will have your time to grieve.
The pieces of this broken night
Remind me when I cry
That the time I had, the love you felt,
Was always a lie.
Your words, well meant,
Are wasted in this argument.
Run away but never leave.
My alibi is clear, my mind is not.
I've been here with the pill,
Writhing on the floor,
Broken to the core,
Shaking with uncertainty.
Time is short, the pain it fits.
I'm flirting with the edge,
What I get may be more than I bargained for.
Darkened skies and dampened eyes,
I'm wearing this disguise.
Convinced nothing else will work.
I'll be the one to die tonight,
Just relax and let yourself breathe.
My emotions will amplify,
This high spawns from my own disease.
It's all been torn apart and discarded,
You will have your time to grieve.
The pieces of this broken night
Remind me when I cry
That the time I had, the love you felt,
Was always a lie.
Your words, well meant,
Are wasted in this argument.
Run away but never leave.
Friday, May 05, 2006
An obvious sign?
So I don't usually remember a lot of my dreams and there are moments when, for no reason at all, I see a flash of a dream from the night before. Let me build this up a bit...last night I had a weird little anxiety type attack for no reason, I mean I wasn't thinking of anything in particular to bring it about...well anyway, today I had a flash of a dream.
In my dream it was night time and I was in my car driving. A pitch black night, I had to drive slowly and carefully cause no matter what I did, I had no headlights. I mean I tried turning them on, and usually my radio and climate control crap lights up when you turn on the headlights, they didn't even light up either.
Think it's a sign?
In my dream it was night time and I was in my car driving. A pitch black night, I had to drive slowly and carefully cause no matter what I did, I had no headlights. I mean I tried turning them on, and usually my radio and climate control crap lights up when you turn on the headlights, they didn't even light up either.
Think it's a sign?
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