I miss you.

From left to right: My grandma, technically, I miss her, not the her who's not really there, my mom holding me, and my grandpa.

It occured to me upon seeing what the date was that it's been twelve years since my grandpa passed away. I'm over it in the sense that I don't fall to pieces every time I think of him. Years ago I'd be out of it for months on end just over the loss of him. I miss him tons, especially now with what's going on with my grandma but I'm okay.

My cousins, brother, and I used to help him feed the animals on the farm everyday that we were out at my grandparents. I was his buddy for the longest time, it was great, something to be cherished, but unfortunately something I'm gradually forgetting.

I worry that I'm not something for him to be proud of. I never got to know him in the grown up way. Never learned what he expected of people, hell of his kids and grandkids. Of course after having five daughters what could his standards possibly be? I know guys aren't always clear about how they feel, and I know that even my paternal grandfather who is still alive is stubborn but now very clear on how he feels about his only grandchildren (myself and my brother), but both of my maternal grandparents aren't that clear. I'm pretty sure, and would like to believe, that he cherished us. He taught us a lot of things that might never come in handy, after all, how much can you teach a child that's going to stay with them forever? I know, there are life lessons and such but those aren't all of what I'm refering to.

The very last time I spoke with him, he had called to see if we needed anything from the store, I told him that we didn't and said goodbye. It never occurs to you that that's going to be the last time you speak with someone, that that's going to be your last goodbye. And it certainly doesn't occur to a twelve year old child who's never actually lost anyone aside from a divorce between her parents. Looking back, it seems odd that he called to ask us that, I mean as far as I know, he never did that. Eh, for all I know he did do that for us, I was just never the one to answer the phone.

Regardless, I'm doing okay, just so long as I don't look at too many pictures and think on it for too long. I hope my grandma has no clue of what day it is, of course I wonder how many people in my family will actually remember.