So, what's another year, another birthday if not a time to reflect? For years February has been a symbol of things to me. My birthday being the longest running 'symbol', my grandfather's death being second, and as of last year the death of a mentor/friend (I'm not sure what he was to me). Sure, when I was a kid my birthday was exciting to me but as I got older I realized the day my birthday falls on isn't so spectacular when you don't have a significant other. And now? Well, now my birthday just symbolizes another year come and gone. I can't think of much more to say.

Breaking news, literally, for those of you familiar with my previous windshield incident this might prove slightly humorous. Not too long after getting my windshield replaced another rock chipped it, sure, I was pissed after all, it was a new windshield but I got over it. But jus this weekend on my way to picking my brother up from college a huge rock hit it leaving behind a rather large chip and possibly a dent somewhere on the roof of the car it was a two-fer and scared the crap out of me (not literally this time). But the story doesn't end here, days later I discovered a rather large crack running from one side (not at the very edge) to the other (also not to the edge, yet). I assumed this crack was leading from the most recent chip, but oh no, I had to go and make an ass of myself and assume. The crack came from the very first chip. How, I have no clue, I certainly didn't help it on the way to becoming a crack (as I had done with the previous windshield). My luck never ceases to amaze me. It makes for an interesting if not entertaining story, but at the moment, I don't find it humorous as the crack seems to grow by the day if not by the hour. There was my rant, got it out of the way, let the randomness continue! Hope that all made sense, I might have gotten carried away...

I don't know what to say, it's not as if I have anything going on.

Been hanging out at a few Apollyon band practices, it's a pretty awesome experience and I'm glad to be included in any way - you guys are talented. I've been restless and hopeless, strung out on blah feelings and fake smiles. You know, if it weren't for those band practices, I might never leave the house.

For my brother's spring break we're (my brother, his girlfriend, and me) going to California to visit my grandpa and possibly go to Disneyland. During the summers when we were younger our parents would drive us down to California in a matter of days and we'd visit family, go to Disneyland, sometimes Knotts Berry Farm, and one of my fave theme parks, Great America. Needless to say, I haven't been there in years. I was told I could go down there anytime, alone. But when I heard my brother was planning to go I jumped at the chance to go with him. It's funny, but I rarely go to my dad's for dinner alone, my own choice. I think I'm afraid to have the attention on me so I don't like to go without my brother.

I'm sorry for not posting anything new cept one poem on top of all my old poems on my poetry blog (no, that wasn't a test to see how many times I could say poem/poetry in one sentence...a crappy sentence at that).

I'm stuck in a moment of overwhelming need to write, run, listen to music, play music (which I can't do), and sing (which I don't feel I do that well though I know a few people in particular who are going to argue that with me). With that, I think I'm going to run while listening to music.

How random was this post? See Mike, you're not the only one capable of such randomness. Maybe more later...who knows.

New endeavor

Some of you might be interested to know, if you don't already, that I've been working on putting together a blog for my poetry alone. Those of you who've been with me basically from the beginning will only find the poetry that's already been posted here on this blog. I do plan on copying them all to the new blog and then I will probably work on adding some of my unposted stuff from years ago. Anyone interested can follow this link or click on my "My Poetry Page" link there on the right.

Songs...

OMG it's Friday the 13th.....................*big eyed glare*


Awwww...memories...was going over some songs that used to tear me to pieces in my adolescent days the list goes as follows...

"Hero" by Mariah Carey
"I Swear" by John Michael Montgomery
"One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men
"Un-Break My Heart" by Toni Braxton
"All Cried Out" by Allure and 112
"This Love" by Craig Armstrong and Elizabeth Fraser
"Anytime" by Brian McKnight
...and quite a few others

Another song that I feel defines me..."Strong Enough" by Sheryl Crow

And by the way Mike, some more 'awwwwww' (well I guess some of them tore me to pieces too, but not necessarily in the same way) songs...

oooooooh and *Warning* Brace yourselves, this is what happens when you LOVE music and have over 5452 songs...(and some of them might be repeats of Mike's but I'm unsure)

"Stay With Me" by Josh Gracin looooooooooooooooooove this song...
"Everything" by Lifehouse (wow!!!)
"Home" by Michael Buble (wow!!!)
"Cupid" by 112
"Not a Day Goes By" Lonestar
"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt
"More Than Words" by Extreme
"I Wanna Be With You" by Mandy Moore
"The Dance" by Garth Brooks
"Heaven" by Bryan Adams
"(Everything I Do) I Do it For You" by Bryan Adams
"When You Love Someone" by Bryan Adams
"Broken" by Seether (either version - with or without - Amy Lee)
"Falling Into You" by Celine Dion
"Dreaming of You" by Celine Dion
"I Love You" by Celine Dion
"Runaway" by The Corrs
"I Belong To You" by Lenny Kravitz
"Hanging by a Thread" by Nickel Creek
"Promise of You" by Edwin McCain
"Could Not Ask For More" by Edwin McCain
"I'll Be" by Edwin McCain
"Run" by Snow Patrol
"Love Will Keep Us Alive" by The Eagles
"Kiss From a Rose" by Seal (dude!)
"I Wanna Know" by Joe
"Inseperable Lovers" by Az yet
"Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional
"Insatiable" by Darren Hayes
"Everytime I Close My Eyes" by Babyface
"She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel
"She's Got a Way" by Billy Joel
"Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)" by Billy Joel
"No Lies, Just Love" by Bright Eyes (though I can't stand his voice so much, I agree with Cody, the lyrics are beautiful, course it's only an 'awwwww' song for the last verse)
"Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run
"Secret" by Maroon Five
"Sunday Morning" by Maroon Five
"Waltz With Me" by Tonic
"Sugar" by Tonic (have I already mentioned I love these guys?)
"My Immortal" by Evanescence (does this one fit?)
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers (man I can't believe I'm admitting)
"Sister Golden Hair" by America (another 'wow, you know them?' one)
"Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

(you know, I'm not even sure these are fitting the 'awwww' category anymore so much as they kickass)

"Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (cause it holds memories of someone who passed)
"One Moment More" by Mindy Smith (sad but still awwwww worthy)
"Summertime" by The Sundays
"Wild Horses" the remake by The Sundays

Okay, I really should have stopped a long time ago...but there are soooooo many more

Early morning run...again

So I did as I said I would, I ran again. Same distance, but only took 6 minutes this time. I'm pretty sure I walked less this time. It was far colder this time though, and that's what really hurts my breathing. Near the end I felt as though I was trying to suck air through a filter with a single hole the size of single hair. The cold air kills. No Nyquil in my system this time so I'll assume that helped this time around. Just wanted to say, I did it again and survived.

Seeping in

Memories indeed. I just spend who knows how long vacuuming water out of my grandmother's basement with a shop-vac. Until about, what, two months ago, I hadn't been out to the farm in years. When I got old enough and didn't have to go out there after school and such occasions as when my parents were at work I decided I wasn't going back out to the farm. Too many memories are tied to the farm/the house, in fact after my grandfather died in that house, I can't say I remember anything else happening there. It was all a huge part of my life growing up.

Because the back field sits higher than the house and I'm assuming there are also several cracks in the foundation, whenever it rains the basement takes on water. And simply because I am the only one in town with no life it's been decided that my job is to go out to the house after a good rain and suck up the water. Tonight was my first time doing it. I can't say I dreaded every moment of the task, cause that's not the case. Being in that house alone and not being able to remember what it looked like years before, but knowing that everything about it wasn't right, killed me. All the familiar smells were there, but I don't know, the house is dying, and as far as I'm concerned it has been since the day Papa died and the same with the family. Just as I don't want to watch my grandmother slowly fade away, I don't want to see that house the way it is, I don't want to be in it, near it anything. I almost started crying on the way home. I want to ransack the place, find anything and everything that will remind me of the past; the good times. Everything is falling down, decaying, cracking, leaking, aging...dying. The spirit is fading away. I guess I decided years ago that I was done with it all. Years ago I had intended on taking two rolls of film with me out to the farm, one color, one black and white. I was going to shoot pictures of all the things that were familiar to me, once in color and once in black and white, maybe an attempt to capture the essence of the place. I never got around to it. I'm sure I could go out there during some good weather and do it, but I don't know. I've always been the sort to like pictures of people rather than just places. After all, the people were the essence of the place. Huh, and now we all hate each other.

Growing up is the worst and best thing that can happen to a person. I know nothing stays the same (yes, I realize that's part of a Carly Simon song, the second I typed it I had it playing in my head) but I wish I'd fought a little harder with myself to not turn my back on that place, to not let go.

I'm not so much completely depressed about it, just mournful, somber like...please tell me that makes sense.

Some lyrics from the Foo Fighter's song "On the Mend" that seem to fit me:

One more day that I've survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind I'm doing fine
I'm breathing on my own

I'm here
And I'm on the mend
I'm here
And I'm on the mend my friend

Oh, yeah, and uh...hot!

I've discovered, I'm big into images of kissing, and possibly the act of kissing...the first image here, I adore, don't ask why because even I have no answer...








My all time favorite one (my brother has it on the wall of his room at school, even his girlfriend likes it.

Apparently my efforts to run, for whatever freakish reason(s) were commendable, lol. I thought I was going to die, I felt absolutely useless after the run, went straight to bed, still in running clothes even, but only managed to sleep for 4 hours, if not less. Woke up and couldn't play WoW because they were still doing weekly maintenance. Saw some stupid infomercials on TV, though a few made me want to workout, though I hate working out alone, I need someone to force/push me to do something. I'm thinking I'll run again Thursday early a.m. (I'll probably only do it when my mom's not home, best she not freak out at 3/4/5am when she hears me leave but I don't take the car). Though, I hope it rains, I love it more when it rains. Maybe I won't even walk once, that'd be an accomplishment, maybe it'll even become something I stick with. I want to get my toned body back, could even help me just feel better in general (as we've all heard).

D/V I said I'd give you a 'shout out' so - hey ya sweet cheeks (lol). Thanks, you've helped me more than you know ;)

Tried to write last night too. I miss the feeling I used to get when I felt like I'd completed something, I mean I don't think I'm that great a writer, but those last few poems back in what, October, November...I felt like they were some of my best work. I was on a roll, felt like it would never end, then it did, suddenly. I dunno, I suppose it'll all come back in due time, I just want that feeling back.

What was I thinking? Was I even thinking?

Four o'clock in the morning and what do I decide to do? For some masochistic reason or another I decide to go for a run. Four in the morning, after a shot of nyquil, it's been raining and windy all day and I go for a run. I just had an overwhelming urge to do it. It was only an eight minute run, I'm a wuss. Maybe one or two minutes into this run, I decided to walk. Well it's more the immediate burning in my chest and throat that begged me to stop running. At least I didn't even have the urge to turn around and walk back home. Instead I walked to the end of the street, turned around and ran back home, the whole way. I kept thinking, "Okay, I can stop here and walk the rest of the way. No, finish, run home." I did, I ran home. Now I can't drink enough water to wash the taste of blood out of my mouth/throat. It's something I've grown semi-accustomed to. Whenever I'm out of shape and run, or in old cases did TaeKwonDo, I would get the taste of blood in my mouth. Never any actual blood from anywhere, just the metallic sort of taste. Whenever I wake up, my body is going to hate me I'm sure of this. I hope I got what I wanted...still not sure what that is.

A total blast of a song...and I know...odd...but wow..."Keep Your Hands to Yourself" by the Georgia Satellites. Gawd!, what a fun song.

I need me a white knight...sign up on my comment page :P

I prefer him to be:

• around my age (soon to be 24, yes, a girl can disclose her age, willingly)
• whole heartedly into music
• prepared to be cuddled and smooched
• of course he has to be okay with me being me

I dunno lol, I'm sure I could go on and on, but really, I can't mold a guy.

"Tell me, are you a badfish, too?"

My Voice

Okay, I feel like writing. Not necessarily a poem. I don't feel like I've been thinking hard enough lately, aside from analyzing myself. I feel like I've been censoring myself somewhat so that I don't offend instead of just speaking my mind. I mean it is my blog, but I'm worried about other people's feelings even though everything I say here isn't necessarily directed at someone, it's just stuff that's on my mind. I mean sure, the "puddle" post and the "why can't I just like that music cause I want to?" post stemmed from incidents, but the posts weren't me trying to attack or lash out at the person who contributed to those issues, it was me putting down what I had mulling around in my head. My thoughts on the situations, my feelings. On another note, it's far easier to say things here most times than say them to someone's face. I feel that I am better with written words than with spoken. That makes me feel selfish and cowardly, as though I have no right.

I had no ill intent when I wrote about those incidents. But I was so worried after the fact because I had offended someone. Sure, I felt apologies were in order, the last thing I wanted to do was offend/hurt anyone, but honestly, I wasn't in the wrong for posting what I did, with the exception of posting something that was said in a private e-mail.

This is my one actual voice and I'm not even using it to its fullest extent.

Chchchanges

Wow, so working with the blog template is a frustrating task, I can totally see the fun in it though Stephanie...but man, what a headache! Okay, so I only made three changes to it this time around, and well, they're fairly obvious changes.

:)

Man, I love incense! Is it wrong that 'Nag Champa' makes me feel horny *looks around guilty like*

I do not believe that I am sexy looking, or anything of the like, in sweatpants...though I suppose if sweatpants were all I was wearing...*looks around suspiciously*...

Mips, I'll tell you what...we're renting "Moulin Rogue" this weekend and you know what, you and I are going to watch it...whether Havok's there or not, I care not, but you and I need to watch that movie...well you do because Havok and I say so...and I do simply because I love that movie and I want to be there when you watch it...though, I shant forgive you if you dislike it :D (kidding of course).

And straight from my "If...(Questions for the Game of Life)" book...'If you were to be successfull in another profession, what would you want to do?'

Well, assuming my profession now is complete losery slacker...I'd want to be a successful singer or lead singer for a successful band.

Mike, get a digital camera or make use of John's camera.

I'm sorry.

Public apology to my GD crew. Things I say on my blog are not meant as an attack on any of you. I have offended at least one of you and did mention some private things, to you M.J.R. I am sorry. Havok, I apparently misunderstood your feelings, I'm sorry. Sorry gang.

All right, I was thinking so before it all fades away, I'm here in my brother's dorm putting it down in blog form.

I was in Hot Topic a few days ago and heard a couple songs that I really liked right from the get go. So I was really curious to know who was performing the songs and had a friend ask the clerk. After inquiring she found out that the band was Panic! At the disco. I was told I couldn't like that music because that would make me a follower. I'm sorry but how does me just simply hearing a few songs, or even just one, make me a follower. Can I not just simply like/love the song(s) just because I want to? And in turn, if a radio station constantly plays new 'hits' and such, wouldn't that mean that in a way they're turning us all into followers? I mean all the music I have is stuff I like-I heard it, I liked it, I got it. Some times it was people telling me, "check this song/band out." No harm in that. If I see or hear something I like and I 'follow' that it's only got to do with my taste, not because I want to be like everyone else. So, being told that I can't like something kind of infuriorates me, makes me feel a tad belittled as well.

Who knows what I'm trying to say.

Precious by Depeche Mode

Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to you
We always tried to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put you through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you
If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your hearts for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I believe in God. I may not be a religious person, but I believe in God. I had Catholicism forced down my throat for years and hated going to church, but I don't know too many kids who actually like going to church anyway. I haven't retained much of what I was taught in church and in 'church school'. I haven't been happy with God for almost 12 years now, but I don't believe in Him any less. I heard something said on a TV show a few weeks ago, "You can't hate what doesn't exist." It was in reference to a character hating God. I do believe that having faith in Him can ultimately lead to you having faith in yourself, at least in some cases. I'm not sure that anything I'm saying makes sense.

I used to believe that I was a strong person, now, I question that. People have said that I don't need a boyfriend, that I don't need anyone, all I need is myself. Well, I'm not sure I'm good enough for myself, least not alone. As I've said a few times, just having my brother home, whether we hang out or not, has been a form of security for me. An odd sense of comfort. I know that he will protect me if it ever comes down to me needing him to, and I know I would surely do the same for him.

I've made a few friends online whom I adore. The one problem with that is that they're all 2-3 time zones away from me, but they all seem like people I would thoroughly enjoy spending time with in person. Phone cards are wonderful!

I'm not sure of myself, I'm not sure of where I'm going in life, but I'm sure I could be happier. My blog doesn't paint a pretty, happy picture of me, and lately it's an almost perfect reflection of who I am emotionally. There are a few people who make me feel so much happier just seeing them online, even if it's just for a few seconds, but the feeling usually lasts a good while. Stephanie being one, Dave another, Geisha's a good one too, when I'm not in hiding, and a new found friend, Mike. You guys have been awesome, wish you all lived closer, though you'd probably get tired of me, if you haven't already :P...and what's with the lack of responses to the puddle question? Geez!

My Green Day crew as we have apparently dubbed ourselves are great people and sadly they don't feel like enough right now and I've totally offended them in recent postings apparently, but I assure you guys, I love you. I mean no offense, I don't feel like a real person right now, memories of a life I used to live are haunting me right now. A life you were all connected with, a life that you seem to regret, a life and people you hate with a passion, but I don't feel that way-it was more my life than it was yours. It's all so fucking fresh still. I feel like I gave up and walked away. I know it was a good decision to leave, but that doesn't mean I'm okay. Mips/Pocka, whichever you prefer, I don't know how I 'tore you the fuck apart,' but I'm sure as hell sorry for it. What can I say, I'm a lousy friend. Havok and Michael, if I offended you by turning down New Years, well then I'm sorry. We are important; that ever powerful US that Mips refered to on her blog.

I think I need a night on the phone, a night/morning phone conversation like the one Mike described in his blog posting. I think I need a life. Bah, well I think that I think too much, surely you'll all agree.

Written December 31, 2005/January 2, 2006
(I'm not sure how I feel about this one, rhyming so doesn't feel like my thing. It's been awhile since I've been hit with the urge to write and the first few lines just jumped into my head and I had to frantically grab my notebook and scribble them out.)

I'm passing out,
You're holding me close,
I love your soft embrace.

You hold me safe within your arms,
I cuddle close,
Never leave my side.

These days I'm tired of it all,
But you are my rock,
The one who picks me up when I fall.

I don't know how to thank you,
Love is all I have -
Stubborn and unrelenting.

Thanks everyone. Happy New Year.