Who knows what I'm trying to say.

Precious by Depeche Mode

Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to you
We always tried to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put you through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you
If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your hearts for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I believe in God. I may not be a religious person, but I believe in God. I had Catholicism forced down my throat for years and hated going to church, but I don't know too many kids who actually like going to church anyway. I haven't retained much of what I was taught in church and in 'church school'. I haven't been happy with God for almost 12 years now, but I don't believe in Him any less. I heard something said on a TV show a few weeks ago, "You can't hate what doesn't exist." It was in reference to a character hating God. I do believe that having faith in Him can ultimately lead to you having faith in yourself, at least in some cases. I'm not sure that anything I'm saying makes sense.

I used to believe that I was a strong person, now, I question that. People have said that I don't need a boyfriend, that I don't need anyone, all I need is myself. Well, I'm not sure I'm good enough for myself, least not alone. As I've said a few times, just having my brother home, whether we hang out or not, has been a form of security for me. An odd sense of comfort. I know that he will protect me if it ever comes down to me needing him to, and I know I would surely do the same for him.

I've made a few friends online whom I adore. The one problem with that is that they're all 2-3 time zones away from me, but they all seem like people I would thoroughly enjoy spending time with in person. Phone cards are wonderful!

I'm not sure of myself, I'm not sure of where I'm going in life, but I'm sure I could be happier. My blog doesn't paint a pretty, happy picture of me, and lately it's an almost perfect reflection of who I am emotionally. There are a few people who make me feel so much happier just seeing them online, even if it's just for a few seconds, but the feeling usually lasts a good while. Stephanie being one, Dave another, Geisha's a good one too, when I'm not in hiding, and a new found friend, Mike. You guys have been awesome, wish you all lived closer, though you'd probably get tired of me, if you haven't already :P...and what's with the lack of responses to the puddle question? Geez!

My Green Day crew as we have apparently dubbed ourselves are great people and sadly they don't feel like enough right now and I've totally offended them in recent postings apparently, but I assure you guys, I love you. I mean no offense, I don't feel like a real person right now, memories of a life I used to live are haunting me right now. A life you were all connected with, a life that you seem to regret, a life and people you hate with a passion, but I don't feel that way-it was more my life than it was yours. It's all so fucking fresh still. I feel like I gave up and walked away. I know it was a good decision to leave, but that doesn't mean I'm okay. Mips/Pocka, whichever you prefer, I don't know how I 'tore you the fuck apart,' but I'm sure as hell sorry for it. What can I say, I'm a lousy friend. Havok and Michael, if I offended you by turning down New Years, well then I'm sorry. We are important; that ever powerful US that Mips refered to on her blog.

I think I need a night on the phone, a night/morning phone conversation like the one Mike described in his blog posting. I think I need a life. Bah, well I think that I think too much, surely you'll all agree.

Written December 31, 2005/January 2, 2006
(I'm not sure how I feel about this one, rhyming so doesn't feel like my thing. It's been awhile since I've been hit with the urge to write and the first few lines just jumped into my head and I had to frantically grab my notebook and scribble them out.)

I'm passing out,
You're holding me close,
I love your soft embrace.

You hold me safe within your arms,
I cuddle close,
Never leave my side.

These days I'm tired of it all,
But you are my rock,
The one who picks me up when I fall.

I don't know how to thank you,
Love is all I have -
Stubborn and unrelenting.

Thanks everyone. Happy New Year.