I can't make promises or guarantees...I never felt I could to begin with. This journey I've been on...scares the shit out of me. I'm in pain, not just cause I'm sick but because I've hurt people and I can't handle doing that.

I don't know what I want to do. I can't say I won't be tempted by outside things I can't say I'll never question whether I want something else or not. Deep down...I do blame you for leaving, though we've discussed your reasons and come to the conclusion that it wouldn't matter whether you were here or there...that we'd not be able to see each other.

I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anyone. You called me a heart breaker... I should be alone...I hate being alone but I should be because then I can't hurt anyone. You want answers I can't give.

I can't ask you to move back here because ultimately, you wanted to be gone, you were happier leaving this town. I know you're not happy being away from me, but...love...I'm still incredibly afraid I'm not what you need.

I told you, I'm not someone who can be alone, that's no excuse for what I've done, but it's the truth...I don't do well alone.

How can you still want to be with me? I don't get it. It's like I have to test shit, I have to have real proof that I deserve what I have...and sometimes I just push too fucking hard for that proof. I told you I'm having a hard time remembering us.

Being sick and having all this...other stuff...to think about...just makes everything so much more real...I'm faced with the truth that there's no one to come to my rescue no matter how hard I want someone to. You're 3000 miles away and I need someone here and now to hold me to show me... I'll wait for you, but I'm worried I'll never budge. I'm worried that maybe I can't ever be any one's. I don't deserve to be. I love you...but how is it that I've done this to you, to us if I love you? I've missed you for so long.

I don't want to be here anymore, not here in this town...just...not here anymore...no longer in existence.

How did I switch so fast? How did I allow myself that moment of weakness? How did I lose touch? Why did you go? Why? Too many questions that I'll never have answers to, you want answers and I can't give them. You deserve better, what if I can't be what you want or what you need?