It's you I would die for
You I pine for
You who holds the key

You make me feel brand new
Given my world a brighter hue

...to be continued, possibly.

Written September 20, 2006

She's still angry
And I can't get over...
...the intensity in her eyes when I have to ask her to look at me
...the disappointed way she lets me know I've let her down...again.

It happened so quickly and I'm to blame
I can't escape the fault
But I'm forced to wonder why I gave little thought to...
...what was at stake, a promise I made
...anything beyond the want...the addiction.

Frustration and anger...
Just unresolved feelings toward myself.

A thoughtless coward
I let everything slide...
...in an instant of weakness and loss of judgement
...a moment I can't take back though I've tried.

She's making me wait
And I guess it's my fate for now
To be alone with my worst enemy...
...me.

"Cause you're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything...everything"

"To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do"

"You're winning me over with everything you say
You rip my heart right out
You rip my heart right out
When I let you closer I only want you closer
You rip my heart right out
You rip my heart right out"

"August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodbye
You never know what temporal days may bring"

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to"

"We'll do it all, everything, on our own.
We don't need anything, or anyone.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.
Forget what we're told, before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life."

"All that I am, all that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where, confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all."

"I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here"

"Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess"

"I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind"

"find me here
and speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where I find peace again

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this yeah

you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now"

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury
or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer

The words are hushed let's not get busted
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered
Safe in here from all the stupid questions
"Hey did you get some?"... Man, that is so dumb
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear
So we can get some"

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want (you) to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

What money can buy...

So, I've compiled a list of things I wanted to purchase and people I need to pay back. But now that I can't remember any of those, I'ma list the fun stuff.

A tattoo. Not sure where, I've wanted one on my lower back for ages. Probably a design of some sort, not words or a picture. I realize certain people think that's trashy...but seeing as I'm not a trashy person...is that even possible?

Possibly a piercing other than my ears of course. I'm thinking maybe my tongue but I so don't know.

Clothes and of course shoes.

"I'll buy a big house where we both could live."

Dogs, maybe one to start with, but at least two in the end. If they aren't both big dogs, one of them has to be at least. There's no way I'm getting just a tiny dog...no way. I don't care if it's a large dog who thinks it's a lapdog, that quality I love.

I suppose that's really it for now. Lol...you'd think it'd be a longer list...but...money doesn't buy happiness such a fucking lie and I am apparently not too hard to please.

Forbidden.

One day it won't be about age, race, gender, upbringing. One day it won't be about rumors, heresay, and suspicions. One day it will be about what you can see, what you experience, what you know yourself. It will be about the person, the good in the person, the love given to and received from the person.

I wish I could say, "don't judge a book by it's cover" just for the simple, "read it your damn self" idea of it all, but I know there are times I read a book because it was recommended. I suppose in a way that could be chalked up to "rumors" and "heresay"?

I've never felt so...I'm not sure what the word is actually. I already had a major issue that needs work, an issue I've been...absent about...but this, this fucking takes the cake.

Before and After

Let's keep in mind that no body work was done, least not in shop body work. My step-dad did clean it up a bit and put a piece back on. And of course the tire rotation put the wheel in the back instead of in the front...wouldn't matter much, he cleaned that up after the rotation, too.

BEFORE:



AFTER:

The World Spins Madly On

Something real, hopefully not a rant or anything crazy, just me and my laptop and my thoughts.

The sky is pale...hint of pink in the clouds, not quite as cotton candy like as they were a few evenings ago, but pretty nonetheless.

Today was a good day though all I really did was work. It dragged on, I was tired, got something like 4 hours of sleep last night and only a bit more than that the night before but somehow I didn't once feel like I was going to fall asleep at work (thankfully). The hours did drag on and on though, but that's how the week's been for the most part. I'm exhausted and rightly so but I'm doing all right.

I want to write, I suppose my post last night was a bit of a poem...but not too sure, I suppose that's up to me ultimately. I remember a year ago feeling the same damn way, frustrated that I couldn't write and that everything seemed so repetitive, but we'll see, I wrote a few lines a few nights ago and maybe they'll turn into something when I devote time to them.

Work's slowed me down a whole lot, I suppose when you spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (occasional overtime as well) stuck somewhere it would slow everything down. The job's good and I'm good at it, heck, my supervisor is still trying to get me a raise already and it's only been a month today (you're not technically even up for the option of a raise until after 90 days, but there's still a chance for me I guess).

My car...my step-dad has actually been taking care of that for me for the most part. Jacked it up and looked at it to see if he knew what damage was done, something about a control arm being bent so one of my wheels was tilted slightly. He even called to speak to the guy we were going to go through for repairs to see if I'd brought it by, later went and talked to the guy after he gave his estimate and ideas on what needed to be done, basically just did what I needed someone to do for me - he stepped in and graciously helped. The last two days he's taken me to and picked me up from work, got up early and everything. Even took it in to get aligned and tires rotated today...now all I have to do is get the windshield replaced (wasn't damaged in the accident of course, those who know me know this already lol).

My mom did chew me out when she first found out about the accident, saying things like, "maybe you shouldn't be allowed to drive" and shit like that, tearing me to shreds and when I couldn't take it anymore, when I felt like a huge child I told asked her if she didn't think I wasn't already pissed off at myself that it even happened...then my cellphone lost the signal and I was afraid she'd think I hung up on her so of course I had to call back and make sure she understood I hadn't...her tone was sweeter, can always count on her to turn so quickly. In all fairness, the very first thing she said after I answered my phone was, "are you okay?" so I can't fault her right off at least. Didn't speak to her until a week later and she talked to me normal, better even, discussed what needed to be done for the car and insurance and all that fun stuff but it went really well...surprisingly.

Hoping to be getting new glasses soon. I only have glasses for reading but they've been the wrong prescription for years and I don't always wear them when I should...*shrugs*. Not sure what style I'm going for now. I kind of want plastic frames but who knows guess I'll have to see what I like and what I look good in? Suggestions?

I want bigger and better things for myself. I deserve bigger and better things...will I allow myself these things? Will I push myself to go after them? God, I hope so.

I'm happy, things could improve in a few areas, but I'm happy. Relieved.

I love you all, just so you know...well you guys all know who you are...if you're some random reader...well there's a good chance that if I knew you I could love you...but this isn't really meant towards you occasional random readers, sorry.