New poem, just a click away
Monday, March 27, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
My phantom limb is haunting me
I'm having one of those flashback sort of moments. The moments where something from your past comes back and fucks you up. One of those things that took you ages to get over, whether someone important to you has died or something detramental to your well being occurs. It happens, it fucks you up, you move past it and basically go into a sort of remission if you will. But in most cases you're not in "remission" for very long. Memories come flooding back complete with all of the old emotions. That's where I am now, in the flood and out of "remission". Sure, it's getting easier, the time between "remission" and "flashback" is becoming longer and longer.
For the longest time this very same thing happened to me after my grandpa died, but now, it doesn't sting at all, it's more like a gentle tap on your shoulder, just there to remind me.
At the moment I'm remembering the people and the place I called home for almost six years, the people and the place that I walked away from seven months ago. I'm missing certain things and sometimes there are moments where I feel as though the last five years didn't happen to me. It tears me apart because even though I know it wasn't a healthy situation for me, I miss the security, I miss being around people almost 24 hours a day for five years. Where I used to live, everything was so open. I had no use for a room to run and hide in unless things went shitty. To be honest and fair, I'm pretty sure there were more good times than bad, but we all seem to focus on and remember the bad times more. I feel bad for hurting anyone, looking back, I don't like all of who I used to be and who I was in the process of becoming.
Right now I'm home alone, which is something I despised when I was in my teens and living here at home with my mom. I used to get scared, and not in that "uh oh, I'm home alone something could happen to me" sort of way; I was afraid of myself. I'd cry, I'd listen to music as loud as I could, and the worst part, I'd punch the walls, the door, even the carpeted floor; anything that would hurt. At those times I couldn't feel enough of the pain to make me stop right away but the next day my knuckles would be swollen, cut and more often than not, I wouldn't be able to move my hand without pain. (And this just occured to me, so now I feel stupid, but I suppose feeling the physical pain helped me to not feel the emotional pain...exactly like cutters, 'least I suppose it is.)
Being surrounded by people prevented me from being alone, prevented me from doing that sort of damage to myself. I had no reason to hit anything unless it was in TaeKwonDo or when I was angry. But gradually my mood began to change. I allowed my temper to get the best of me and there were quite a few times when I'd lash out at anyone and everyone. I was even becoming a massive control freak. Now that I'm back to living at my mom's house and most of my time is spent alone, I don't get angered by much any longer, my temper doesn't seem to exist, save a few encounters with my brother and a bad experience in a Wal-Mart parking lot. It's as though I'm barely existing. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum now...apparently I haven't found a middle ground yet. But I'd rather be docile and numb than angry all the time.
I learned a lot of things about myself these past seven months. I up and walked away from the place and people I considered home. It's not even that, it's that I was too cowardly to make the decision on my own and without any circumstances to blame. I hurt people, they had hurt me too, but I'm smarter than I was and just because they hurt me doesn't mean it's okay that I hurt them back. I walked away from everything that I considered to be my life. My jobs, my dogs, where I lived, and who I spent time with, it just...I...ugh, everything changed. I lived with my best friend, her husband, and their two kids. J was like a sister to me, she was my best friend, now she's the only one I talk to from that part of my past, and even then, we barely ever talk. I'm okay with that, and it's all my doing, that's not just me trying to take all the blame. The ball's in my court but I'm just letting it sit there and gradually deflate. I don't understand that about me. She was so important to me, that whole family was, but I won't make the effort to keep our friendship alive. Perhaps I'm just a coward, or maybe it's because we have almost nothing in common anymore, but I'm banking on it being more about the memories that will get stirred up.
I had moved out once before, but wound up going back every day until finally I moved back in. This time I did my best not to allow that to happen. J invited me to stay and watch a movie, I passed on it, she said that's the instant she knew we weren't going to be friends as we used to be. It killed me inside to say "no", it kills me now to think of what that did to her. A few weeks ago she told me she missed watching movies with me and instead of suggesting we do it some time, I just gave a simple answer of "yeah" with a possible "me too" in there, though I doubt I said the latter as it would leave too much room for her to suggest we do it. I'm distancing myself because I'm afraid of hurting her.
The chest pain has set in, my eyes are burning, and if you managed to read all of this without confusion or at least too much confusion then I commend you and appreciate you filling your head with my nothingness.
For the longest time this very same thing happened to me after my grandpa died, but now, it doesn't sting at all, it's more like a gentle tap on your shoulder, just there to remind me.
At the moment I'm remembering the people and the place I called home for almost six years, the people and the place that I walked away from seven months ago. I'm missing certain things and sometimes there are moments where I feel as though the last five years didn't happen to me. It tears me apart because even though I know it wasn't a healthy situation for me, I miss the security, I miss being around people almost 24 hours a day for five years. Where I used to live, everything was so open. I had no use for a room to run and hide in unless things went shitty. To be honest and fair, I'm pretty sure there were more good times than bad, but we all seem to focus on and remember the bad times more. I feel bad for hurting anyone, looking back, I don't like all of who I used to be and who I was in the process of becoming.
Right now I'm home alone, which is something I despised when I was in my teens and living here at home with my mom. I used to get scared, and not in that "uh oh, I'm home alone something could happen to me" sort of way; I was afraid of myself. I'd cry, I'd listen to music as loud as I could, and the worst part, I'd punch the walls, the door, even the carpeted floor; anything that would hurt. At those times I couldn't feel enough of the pain to make me stop right away but the next day my knuckles would be swollen, cut and more often than not, I wouldn't be able to move my hand without pain. (And this just occured to me, so now I feel stupid, but I suppose feeling the physical pain helped me to not feel the emotional pain...exactly like cutters, 'least I suppose it is.)
Being surrounded by people prevented me from being alone, prevented me from doing that sort of damage to myself. I had no reason to hit anything unless it was in TaeKwonDo or when I was angry. But gradually my mood began to change. I allowed my temper to get the best of me and there were quite a few times when I'd lash out at anyone and everyone. I was even becoming a massive control freak. Now that I'm back to living at my mom's house and most of my time is spent alone, I don't get angered by much any longer, my temper doesn't seem to exist, save a few encounters with my brother and a bad experience in a Wal-Mart parking lot. It's as though I'm barely existing. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum now...apparently I haven't found a middle ground yet. But I'd rather be docile and numb than angry all the time.
I learned a lot of things about myself these past seven months. I up and walked away from the place and people I considered home. It's not even that, it's that I was too cowardly to make the decision on my own and without any circumstances to blame. I hurt people, they had hurt me too, but I'm smarter than I was and just because they hurt me doesn't mean it's okay that I hurt them back. I walked away from everything that I considered to be my life. My jobs, my dogs, where I lived, and who I spent time with, it just...I...ugh, everything changed. I lived with my best friend, her husband, and their two kids. J was like a sister to me, she was my best friend, now she's the only one I talk to from that part of my past, and even then, we barely ever talk. I'm okay with that, and it's all my doing, that's not just me trying to take all the blame. The ball's in my court but I'm just letting it sit there and gradually deflate. I don't understand that about me. She was so important to me, that whole family was, but I won't make the effort to keep our friendship alive. Perhaps I'm just a coward, or maybe it's because we have almost nothing in common anymore, but I'm banking on it being more about the memories that will get stirred up.
I had moved out once before, but wound up going back every day until finally I moved back in. This time I did my best not to allow that to happen. J invited me to stay and watch a movie, I passed on it, she said that's the instant she knew we weren't going to be friends as we used to be. It killed me inside to say "no", it kills me now to think of what that did to her. A few weeks ago she told me she missed watching movies with me and instead of suggesting we do it some time, I just gave a simple answer of "yeah" with a possible "me too" in there, though I doubt I said the latter as it would leave too much room for her to suggest we do it. I'm distancing myself because I'm afraid of hurting her.
The chest pain has set in, my eyes are burning, and if you managed to read all of this without confusion or at least too much confusion then I commend you and appreciate you filling your head with my nothingness.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Back from Anaheim...just not back from Cali
Well, about an hour ago we arrived back at my grandfather's. Our trip to Anaheim had us leaving the house at about 6:40am on Tuesday morning (got up at 6am, after only about 2-3 hours sleep) and after our arrival at our hotel, we went directly to Disneyland. Still fucking awesome, definitely magical, just not as magical as when I was a kid. Pirates of the Carribean was closed.
Last time I was at Disneyland Pirates was closed as well, and it's one of my favorite rides, assholes! Space Mountain was redone recently, I think last year, but no matter what, it still remains my FAVORITE ride at Disneyland. But we only went on it twice. Got to play third wheel to my brother and his girlfriend, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but don't get me wrong, it still sucked. The weather wasn't the greatest, it felt like home a lot of the time, so needless to say, I was freezing my ass off most of the day and all of the night. We left the park at 10pm something, bit of a walk back to our hotel, and we all crashed around 11pm. Sore feet, sore backs, and sore knees (thank God for the extra pillow on my bed! my knees were greatful!).
Wednesday we got to sleep in cause California adventure didn't open until 10am. This was the first time for every single one of us (right, like it was the three of us, I make it sound as if there were quite a few in our group) at this relatively new park. My brother's girlfriend had only been to Disneyland when she was 6 and 8, Ryan (my brother) and I used to go every summer when we were kids and the last time we went I was in high school. Tower of Terror was pretty awesome, but the best ride at California Adventure was definitely California Screamin', we went on that roller coaster 4 times, the last run, I got to sit in the very front row, I tell ya, the front is almost always the best. Today the sun was shining the whole time, we all came prepared for cold weather but of course this would be the day we didn't need to be. Ryan and I both got sun burnt, both of our necks, his arms, my face, but now I can prove I'm not always soooooo white. We met up with a friend of ours from Washington, our dad told us he (the old friend of ours) was going to be in Disneyland and California Adventure when we'd be there as well so we called him up and my brother and I went on one ride with him today, was fun. Ugh, but now I'm exhausted and burning up, so I think I'm going to attempt sleep now. Great to be back, well sort of back, I want to be home, but that won't happen until Friday.
Peace out!
Last time I was at Disneyland Pirates was closed as well, and it's one of my favorite rides, assholes! Space Mountain was redone recently, I think last year, but no matter what, it still remains my FAVORITE ride at Disneyland. But we only went on it twice. Got to play third wheel to my brother and his girlfriend, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but don't get me wrong, it still sucked. The weather wasn't the greatest, it felt like home a lot of the time, so needless to say, I was freezing my ass off most of the day and all of the night. We left the park at 10pm something, bit of a walk back to our hotel, and we all crashed around 11pm. Sore feet, sore backs, and sore knees (thank God for the extra pillow on my bed! my knees were greatful!).
Wednesday we got to sleep in cause California adventure didn't open until 10am. This was the first time for every single one of us (right, like it was the three of us, I make it sound as if there were quite a few in our group) at this relatively new park. My brother's girlfriend had only been to Disneyland when she was 6 and 8, Ryan (my brother) and I used to go every summer when we were kids and the last time we went I was in high school. Tower of Terror was pretty awesome, but the best ride at California Adventure was definitely California Screamin', we went on that roller coaster 4 times, the last run, I got to sit in the very front row, I tell ya, the front is almost always the best. Today the sun was shining the whole time, we all came prepared for cold weather but of course this would be the day we didn't need to be. Ryan and I both got sun burnt, both of our necks, his arms, my face, but now I can prove I'm not always soooooo white. We met up with a friend of ours from Washington, our dad told us he (the old friend of ours) was going to be in Disneyland and California Adventure when we'd be there as well so we called him up and my brother and I went on one ride with him today, was fun. Ugh, but now I'm exhausted and burning up, so I think I'm going to attempt sleep now. Great to be back, well sort of back, I want to be home, but that won't happen until Friday.
Peace out!
Monday, March 20, 2006
Okay, I got a bit bored and a bit obsessed with taking my own picture, but I figure it's a good thing cause I usually despise any picture of myself. Just took these today.
Shock...
Anger...
Smile with glasses...
Smile with tongue and glasses...
Smile...
Tongue with attitude...
Smile again...(smiles are rare occurances)
Punk...(least Stephanie says it is)...FINE, "KINDA punk"
Shock...
Anger...
Smile with glasses...
Smile with tongue and glasses...
Smile...
Tongue with attitude...
Smile again...(smiles are rare occurances)
Punk...(least Stephanie says it is)...FINE, "KINDA punk"
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Green Day corner...a little slice of home
I'm still on vacation...just messing around with some pics cause I managed an internet connection. I miss my home, and by "home" I mean McKenzie's house :P
Thursday, March 16, 2006
I'm leaving on a jet plane...
...but I do know when I'll be back again...the 24th...
Tomorrow my trip officially begins at about 11am tomorrow morning when I drive the 3hours (give or take) to my brother's college to meet up with him and his girlfriend...then we'll be shuttled to the airport and on our way to San Diego (California for those of you who have no clue...hope there are none of those type of people :P teasing)...with a layover in LAX (I despise layovers). I'm nervous about going, not sure why. Minus the morbid thought of "if our plane goes down, my parents will lose both of their kids in one go..." I have no reason to be nervous. We're staying with my grandpa in Santee (really close to San Diego) and plan on making a trip to Disneyland, haven't been there in ages and I so can't wait for that part of our trip. Gone for a whole week...this is going to be odd...I already miss my friends and I'm praying my cellphone works there or I'll be pissed just cause I rushed to get it before the trip so that I'd have it for the trip...
Take care everyone, I will be back soon...
Tomorrow my trip officially begins at about 11am tomorrow morning when I drive the 3hours (give or take) to my brother's college to meet up with him and his girlfriend...then we'll be shuttled to the airport and on our way to San Diego (California for those of you who have no clue...hope there are none of those type of people :P teasing)...with a layover in LAX (I despise layovers). I'm nervous about going, not sure why. Minus the morbid thought of "if our plane goes down, my parents will lose both of their kids in one go..." I have no reason to be nervous. We're staying with my grandpa in Santee (really close to San Diego) and plan on making a trip to Disneyland, haven't been there in ages and I so can't wait for that part of our trip. Gone for a whole week...this is going to be odd...I already miss my friends and I'm praying my cellphone works there or I'll be pissed just cause I rushed to get it before the trip so that I'd have it for the trip...
Take care everyone, I will be back soon...
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
I wish there were someone.
And that I don't have to be alone at night.
It's sad when you can feel and know that everyone, including your younger brother is disappointed in you.
I can't stop thinking, just can't turn it off.
I can't get over the feeling that I'm running out of time.
I'm not crying for help, I'm just saying what I feel to anyone who cares to read.
And that I don't have to be alone at night.
It's sad when you can feel and know that everyone, including your younger brother is disappointed in you.
I can't stop thinking, just can't turn it off.
I can't get over the feeling that I'm running out of time.
I'm not crying for help, I'm just saying what I feel to anyone who cares to read.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I miss not giving a fuck. Remember when it all didn't matter? Melancholy is the word to define my existence at this moment. I don't want that word to remind you of a Smashing Pumpkins album because the band is trivial in comparison to melancholy. All I feel right now are the tears tingling behind my eyes. Adults don't handle anything better than a child does. At least children express how they're feeling right when they feel it, at least until adults tell them that's not how to act. We've lost ourselves in rules and must haves and things...all I want are people, all I want is fun and love...I don't know what's going on...
I'll leave you with some lyrics to a song I just discovered...not quite sure what the appeal is at the moment...does it matter? should it matter?
"When they call your name
Will you walk right up?
With a smile on your face?
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter?
I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?
You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
I wish I could"
Ryan Adams - Come Pick Me Up...it was in the movie Elizabethtown.
I'll leave you with some lyrics to a song I just discovered...not quite sure what the appeal is at the moment...does it matter? should it matter?
"When they call your name
Will you walk right up?
With a smile on your face?
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter?
I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?
You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
I wish I could"
Ryan Adams - Come Pick Me Up...it was in the movie Elizabethtown.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Okay, I realize that link in my previous post no longer works...stupid NBC...but I did find another link to it so hopefully it works when you're looking for it....
Monday, March 06, 2006
Something funny...
Just wanted to share this highly entertaining clip with everyone. Now, I'm sure there are some people out there who won't find it funny, but humor me. I find it gets better each time I watch/listen to it. Tips on watching the video: pause it so that it has time to load all the say, otherwise you're not going to be able to watch it all the way through, and above all, enjoy!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Stole this and this from Stephanie's blog as it seems she stole it from Verity's blog...
and some more stolen ideas from Steph's blog. I can't get over how fitting the "song" one is, aside from the "breezed through 2005 bit" it's surprisingly accurate...:
Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz
and some more stolen ideas from Steph's blog. I can't get over how fitting the "song" one is, aside from the "breezed through 2005 bit" it's surprisingly accurate...:
| Your 2005 Song Is |
 Beverly Hills by Weezer "My automobile is a piece of crap My fashion sense is a little whack And my friends are just as screwy as me" You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style! |
| Greed: | Medium | |
| Gluttony: | Medium | |
| Wrath: | Medium | |
| Sloth: | Very High | |
| Envy: | Low | |
| Lust: | Medium | |
| Pride: | Very Low |
Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz
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