I feel so...

I love her, I adore her...but I don't get it.

I feel as if I never see her because of our conflicting work schedules. I know we are going to get an apartment and live together, but for right now...I'm having a hard time with this rarely seeing her business.

I don't mind hanging out with other people, I'm just not as motivated and I don't mind hanging out with her and other people at the same time...but there are times when she acts differently...I don't feel like anywhere is my scene anymore. I secluded myself from everyone months ago and now I seem to be stuck. I don't really want to go anywhere or do anything. I want to be with her and I love being with her family as well, those aren't issues...

I HATE that she finds it okay to make out with almost anyone...especially if I'm right there...she knows it bothers me so it's not as if I've hidden that fact from her, it's no secret it's just something I feel the need to express...again.

She's at a babyshower with people from work, totally cool I don't mind it at all...what I do mind is the fact that when she found out it was only going to be the small group of people from work that she loves...she wishes she could stay longer...which for me means...less time with her. Her reasoning had something to do with they are her friends...but they're her friends that she sees more than she sees me...I get that that's at work...but come on.

I get that time has to be balanced...but it's like she's got way more going on than I do...so...I don't know where I'm going with this.

Maybe I'm just too dependent, too clingy. I could stand to hang out with no one but her...and it seems she needs everyone.

Am I jealous? Yes. Moreso of the people she'll so willingly make out with, who so willingly offer her up as a make out buddy to just about anyone.

It's not cool. It's not cool for Cody to refer to me as his old lesbian friend, I am never happy with him referring to me as anything along those lines. And it's definitely not cool for him to offer my girlfriend up to people.

I'm just frustrated and hurt, but it will pass.

It's been awhile...

...and I'm exhausted so this won't be much of a post.

Just got back from my grandma's...great fun...she's as hopeless as ever...still waiting for the day her life will end (fun times, right?). I don't know how to be there. The only real reason I was there was to vacuum the water out of the basement that seeps in through the foundation after we've had rain...




So...Peace out my homies...

I love her.

So less than a month away from my birthday I sit here, outside on my frost covered porch, wish I could say that I'm thinking but really, I'm just...here. I'm not one to make plans, or I never really used to be. Last week I was going through my old journals I think the earliest date was some time in early 2003. Even then I felt I had no real future, no plans, no nothing. Since some time in October tiny plans came into place ones I was skeptical of, but more than anything I was scared. Scared because this was never anything I'd done. This year I hope to turn this around a bit more. I plan to move into an apartment with Cody, one of my best friends, and Lainey, my love. She wasn't going to be a part of this apartment business until she finished school in North Carolina. Now see...here come plans again. For my birthday I was going to fly to North Carolina from the 9th of February to the 18th. Some craziness came about and I was going to be bringing my girlfriend home with me, home for good, I was ecstatic, I mean come on! Though the circumstances of her homecoming were uncool, it was very necessary she move back, she's got so many people who care for her here, so many people who love her. More changes came about...and now, she's flying home Tuesday...the 30th of January. I wish I could be flying with her but the truth is she needs to be home ASAP she's not safe, she's just not in a good place. It's true, her parents here, her mother and her true father never really enjoyed the fact that I was dating their daughter (and that's putting it mildly I'm sure) but at the moment, we're seeing eye to eye. She needs to be home with us, home where we know she's safe.

This year is going to be the best birthday I've had in a long time. Having Valentine's Day as my birthday...and never having a true valentine...just makes for a not so great birthday. How do you truly enjoy a birthday on valentine's day when you've really got no one that close, no one to call your own? This year I have that and that's all I really need, to know I have her. I don't need or expect any gifts, she's it and now, knowing she's going to be here, in town, whether with me or not, it's seriously the best gift I could ask for at this point.

I don't know what the terms are going to be with her back. I know they've (her parents) said they don't care if she lives with them or with me, they just want to know she's safe and around people who love her and have her best interests at heart. I'm once again ecstatic that they've seen that I only want the best for her, it's all I've ever wanted for her, and hell, for anyone I've ever known.

I'm happy, here with my freezing fingers and Dashboard Confessional playing in the "background". I'm happy, she's going to be home safe in a matter of hours. I've never actually been more excited to be alive than I have been the last 6 or so months. I want to be a better person, I want to find out what it takes and do it. Now I know saying it isn't enough, and I know feeling it isn't enough either...but I do believe that with a little help and a whole lot of pushing...I'll get there one day.

I love you Lainey, so much. I wish I wasn't the first person to show you that you're worth everything.

Though I'm sure they'll not see this, Thank you Lainey's parents. I've wanted to say that for days though I'm still unsure of the reason, but of course, after the phone call from her father, I have more of a reason to thank you, thank you for trusting me.

Thank you to my friends...some of whom I've not spent much time with lately, but I know you're there and I sure hope you know I'm here. I love you guys.

I love you all.

So lately I've been remembering issues I used to have and how I'd analyzed them and discovered meaning in them. A few years ago I noticed that shouting and arguing used to put me on edge, be it on TV or in person, I'd just get uncomfortable. Realized it had to do with my parents always fighting...but then I became the shouter in arguments and apparently that cured me...now in my calm state once more...I've noticed I become incredibly agitated when I hear shouting and loud arguing again.

Also, I have a hard time doing new things in front of my friends and loved ones, always have. I believe it goes hand in hand with my being afraid to ask for help...all stemming from my childhood. My dad wasn't very good at helping me with my homework and such, he'd always get too frustrated with me, he'd shout and I guess there were a few times he used to pin me up against the wall.

I'm almost 25 and these issues are still with me...please tell me I'm not crazy. Please tell me I'm not insane for the path I've chosen so far. I know I don't have a clue of where I'm going, but I know where I am now and to me...that's far more important at the moment.

I'm being judged unfairly by people who don't know me and this bothers me more than anything. I'm always hearing how I'm a good person and how everyone loves me right away so what's the deal with the harsh, unfair judgement by people who don't know me as I am but know me from gossip and general mistrust of my age?

Sorry, this was all rather scattered...and I'm probably sounding rather scatter-brained myself, just had to get it all out there.

Happy New Year...yeah right. My grandmother just called the cops and told them that her caregiver is holding her against her will. My grandmother cannot walk on her own, certainly cannot drive, can't really do anything without assistance anymore...and now, my mom has to go out there and take care of her because the caregiver is refusing to stay there any longer. Fucking hell. Would that demented old woman just...go! She's wanted to be dead for years, I can't go out there and ask her how she is without her saying something along the lines of, "just waiting for the clock to run out." She doesn't want to be here so just...take her.

Knew it couldn't last...

Semi-fight with my mom when I got home tonight. She smelled smoke on me...she jokingly asked, "been smoking again eh?" (mind you, she's not aware I do it...only just started some time this past summer/fall). I replied, "of course" or something of that nature. She mentioned something about smoking again, I had to lie and say Cody does...well he does smoke but I do too and so does my girlfriend...Cody wasn't with us tonight but she can't know I was out with my girlfriend for incredibly fucked up reasons. Sorry Cody. So then she said something about smoking in my car and I said "yes." Then of course she said outright, "No." Well..."it's my car"...she walked off...came back like a minute later "blah blah second hand smoke blah blah." "I know Mom, I'm not stupid, I've heard about it for years." "You come in here and bring it with you, you're exposing us all to second hand smoke when you do that...you've been given a free ride, you didn't register for classes for the upcoming quarter, maybe you want to move out." I had to not react to her cause that's the only way it ends. I almost cried but that's not all to do with here...I almost cried about two other times today as well.

Saw The Pursuit of Happyness (the y is intentional so I'm not a retard that's the actual title spelling for those of you who're unaware). Got me thinking..."where did I go wrong?" My parents were never "discouraging" as it were, but they were never "encouraging" either. Well my dad seems to be a bit and my step-mom as well...my brother even too...but it's too little too late you know?

I almost had it in my head that I'd be better off back where I was...six...seven? years ago. I hated it there, I'm sure it would have ultimately killed me or had a helping hand in me killing myself, but I was safe, I was secure, I was taken care of. No one through it in my face that I wasn't in school, my jobs were easy enough and not too demanding though some times they felt as if they were, I was taken care of. I didn't have to worry about money and generally, if I wanted something I could have it...but I stuck to trying to get what I needed rather then wanted cause it wasn't my money anymore.

I don't feel like I have the ability to take care of anyone properly...I can't even do that for myself.

Sacrifice. I don't think I'm in a position at this pint in time to make a sacrifice that's not going to yield positive and instant/semi-instant results. Then I thought, "people have made sacrifices for me...but I've not asked for them, in fact I've begged they not be made becauseof/for me." Then of course I analyzed that line of thinking a bit more...people don't necessarily make sacrifices for you expecting they'll get them in return (though most times you know they do). They're made kind of as a "sign" of sorts to show you that you're trusted...the door has been open for you to do the same but not necessary that you do so. They can also be looked at as someone saying, "hey, I trust you, I'm going to do this for you." But at the moment it's not an issue of trust necessarily. If anything a lack of trust in my own self. I'm not "stable" in who I am at the moment...a long recovery...I fuck things up left and right still...just not as much as I used to.

Eh, that's all that I have in my head that I can voice right now. The rest will just have to wait until I have time, and can sort the thoughts out.

Peace out ya'll.

I'm going to tear myself apart, I just have to figure out where and how to start.








"This feeling of despair is never wearing out"

Doubts, sinking in from all around
And I don't know how to be anything but myself
I don't even know how to be that to be honest
I want to stop freaking out about consequences
The kind where I worry about everyone I'm going to hurt
The kind that have me doing what I find best for everyone but me
But it's never clear what's best for me...so I'll never know
Do I take this road...or that one?

"every day trying to make up for the one before
climb three flights to tremble at the sight of your already open door
the frustration I see when I tell you I like some company
breaks my heart
how can you be so impartial?

and I've made myself the fool
who's fallen for you
so let me down softly this time and
I wont have to come back cryin'
I've just made myself look bad and
you're the one who should be feelin' bad
it'd be better to forget you
but I don't really want to
it'd be better to forget you
but I don't really want to

energy spent trying to believe you're not worth it
you don't deserve it
but I wish you did 'cause I can't live without this
and I'll remember you as the second or two
artists I knew who decided to screw me over
'cause it's the bolder thing to do"

"The Bolder Thing to Do" - Gregory and the Hawk

You make me nervous
No, I don't trust myself without you
You can't trust what your heart tells you
You want to ignore what your brain warns against

And you wouldn't even think to question me
But I put that doubt in your head so long ago
With midnight tales of how my life went wrong

I'll be the greatest disappointment you've ever had
I can't have you expecting the best from me
Because I can't deliver, I'll not live up to higher standards

Too many years of conditioning
Too many attempts to fall off that pedestal

I am what I do, what I say, and what I feel
He argued against it so I had to prove him wrong

I've perfected the ability to do the wrong thing
Oh I'm the cleverest girl, I know
I must prove to you that all I know to do is disappoint
It's not a way to live, I know
It's not fair to anyone but I suppose I'm just selfish that way
Forgive me if you can but it's the only way I know to live

It should be so easy to quit just for you
All the things I need to survive should take a backseat
There was a time I thought I'd never have what those songs are all about
You should be enough for me, you could be the best thing
But I'll be the worst mistake you ever made

I go where the comfort takes me
It used to be your arms
But you're so far away
Waved good-bye and left me here
I know it's not fair, and I never intend to blame you

Now I find solace in places that aren't here
In places where I can't think too hard
Where missing you can't trap me
Where I can unwind just a little bit
Just let the knots I've been tying fray and fall away
It (she) helps me, you know
Fills the spot where you left a hole
It's (she's) no replacement, it's (she's) no you
But damn it, it (she) holds me tight

I thought we'd never part
You were going to be my fresh start
Opened my eyes and made me more true to myself than I've ever known I could be
You were the only thing I required, but
I put my life's happiness on your shoulders
I depended on you to keep me happy and sane, when that was never your job
It should be so easy to stand on my own
But here I stand, wishing I could hide in my own shadow

I fell apart, crushed and crumbled to my knees
I'm stronger when I'm weak
The unsatisfying familiarity
This darkness is what I know, sadly, it's home

I can't hold on to anyone as long as I'd like to...seems all the people I have instant, awesome connections with have to move along sooner than I'd prefer. Story of my life...I stay behind...I can't keep up..."well I lagged behind so you got ahead."

I can't make promises or guarantees...I never felt I could to begin with. This journey I've been on...scares the shit out of me. I'm in pain, not just cause I'm sick but because I've hurt people and I can't handle doing that.

I don't know what I want to do. I can't say I won't be tempted by outside things I can't say I'll never question whether I want something else or not. Deep down...I do blame you for leaving, though we've discussed your reasons and come to the conclusion that it wouldn't matter whether you were here or there...that we'd not be able to see each other.

I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anyone. You called me a heart breaker... I should be alone...I hate being alone but I should be because then I can't hurt anyone. You want answers I can't give.

I can't ask you to move back here because ultimately, you wanted to be gone, you were happier leaving this town. I know you're not happy being away from me, but...love...I'm still incredibly afraid I'm not what you need.

I told you, I'm not someone who can be alone, that's no excuse for what I've done, but it's the truth...I don't do well alone.

How can you still want to be with me? I don't get it. It's like I have to test shit, I have to have real proof that I deserve what I have...and sometimes I just push too fucking hard for that proof. I told you I'm having a hard time remembering us.

Being sick and having all this...other stuff...to think about...just makes everything so much more real...I'm faced with the truth that there's no one to come to my rescue no matter how hard I want someone to. You're 3000 miles away and I need someone here and now to hold me to show me... I'll wait for you, but I'm worried I'll never budge. I'm worried that maybe I can't ever be any one's. I don't deserve to be. I love you...but how is it that I've done this to you, to us if I love you? I've missed you for so long.

I don't want to be here anymore, not here in this town...just...not here anymore...no longer in existence.

How did I switch so fast? How did I allow myself that moment of weakness? How did I lose touch? Why did you go? Why? Too many questions that I'll never have answers to, you want answers and I can't give them. You deserve better, what if I can't be what you want or what you need?

Being alone is a bitch...

Being physically, mentally, and emotionally alone AND sick...just makes me wish even harder that I were no longer around.

Everyone I know goes away in the end

There's no one here
I'm not where I want to be
And I'm not even sure I know where that is

This is so far, the loneliest day of my life

"So this is odd,
the painful realization that all has gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by
a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once
before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is the last time."

"This Brilliant Dance" - Dashboard Confessional

Hey, anyone out there...?
Have you ever felt like being dead, even when you're incredibly happy?

The weather outside is frightful

Just postin' some pics I took from our snow. I felt trapped at my dad's because of it, but once I got home, I loved it! It's so pretty! Our town is covered in white and it looks so surreal.

The beginning of the snow - part of my dad's back yard


Little more snow - part of my dad's front yard


Little more snow - 'nother part of my dad's front yard


Tons o' snow - clothesline at my mom's house


Tons o' snow - back porch at my mom's house


Tons o' snow - back porch steps at my mom's house


My snow angel (on the possible last night of snow) - back porch of my mom's

"Won't you cure my tragedy...

Don't take her smile away from me
She's broken and I'm far away"

"When I sit and think of the days we shared
and the nights you covered for me
Every little thing that I ever did
You would stand by me
Every time you cried it would take my wind
My heart would break
If I could be strong like you were for me
You are my faith"

"I can't take this anymore
I can't feel this anymore
Won't you take and give her pain to me
'Cause my whole life I've made mistakes
Can you hear me scream?"



Laying down on a side street like a bum
Living my life like I'm twenty-one
Smelling of stale cigarettes and spent liquor...

It's snowing like crazy and I'm stuck here, though I'm about to attempt going into town to drop some of my things off and prepare myself for being home (finally) after house/dog sitting for my dad.

I'm missing people more than ever today, I can't handle that.

She wants me to like myself more, scratch that, she wants me to love myself. She wants my friends, even the ones she doesn't care for, to show me that I matter. No, I wasn't shown this kind of thing when I was younger apparently not in the ways that it matters, so why does it matter so much now? I love myself enough to still be here...but then again maybe I'm too chicken to do anything drastic. The snow's pretty, time to go brave it and make my way home for a bit.

The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend"

Wish I could say that were true for me.

I'm depressed again, I can see that all too clearly now. I mean, I actually came out of it, it took me a bit to realize I was, but I finally recognized it. And now, well now I can see when it comes back on. All I want to do is crawl into bed and hide away. I want someone to take care of me, cause I fail at any attempts to take care of myself.

I want to be everything.
I want to be the one with all the answers.
I want to be the one who can take care of anyone, any time, no exceptions.
I want to do whatever it takes to be the one.
I want to be strong.

I don't feel like I'm any of the above.

"Come on Darlin' let's go back to bed"

Good Jewel lyric didn't want to take credit since the following is my poem but the title of the post is not my own. (Another good one...with one edit..."Get over here and warm my hands up, girl, it's you they love to hold")

Written November 15, 2006

Your hair is still everywhere
From those days spent in the sheets
(And the ones spent on them)
If your love is my drug
Then your sex is my much wanted overdose

The things I would do if you were here
Tear those clothes from your beautiful body
(They're over-rated)
Cover every inch of you with kisses too numerous to count
Before I cover you with my own flesh

All the sounds that slip from your lips to my ears
They tease me on and on to please
I wish my lips could be everywhere at once
So I could always have my eyes on yours
The intensity, oh what it does to me

I'd have you anywhere I could
No time would be wasted with you near me
This time apart makes my once great need unbearable
Our times together blend and play in my head
Torturing me, leaving me yearning for your touch

I long to reacquaint our bodies
To get to know every smooth curve, every line, every soft surface
All over again
It's been too long my love
Won't you please come home...