Happy New Year...yeah right. My grandmother just called the cops and told them that her caregiver is holding her against her will. My grandmother cannot walk on her own, certainly cannot drive, can't really do anything without assistance anymore...and now, my mom has to go out there and take care of her because the caregiver is refusing to stay there any longer. Fucking hell. Would that demented old woman just...go! She's wanted to be dead for years, I can't go out there and ask her how she is without her saying something along the lines of, "just waiting for the clock to run out." She doesn't want to be here so just...take her.

Knew it couldn't last...

Semi-fight with my mom when I got home tonight. She smelled smoke on me...she jokingly asked, "been smoking again eh?" (mind you, she's not aware I do it...only just started some time this past summer/fall). I replied, "of course" or something of that nature. She mentioned something about smoking again, I had to lie and say Cody does...well he does smoke but I do too and so does my girlfriend...Cody wasn't with us tonight but she can't know I was out with my girlfriend for incredibly fucked up reasons. Sorry Cody. So then she said something about smoking in my car and I said "yes." Then of course she said outright, "No." Well..."it's my car"...she walked off...came back like a minute later "blah blah second hand smoke blah blah." "I know Mom, I'm not stupid, I've heard about it for years." "You come in here and bring it with you, you're exposing us all to second hand smoke when you do that...you've been given a free ride, you didn't register for classes for the upcoming quarter, maybe you want to move out." I had to not react to her cause that's the only way it ends. I almost cried but that's not all to do with here...I almost cried about two other times today as well.

Saw The Pursuit of Happyness (the y is intentional so I'm not a retard that's the actual title spelling for those of you who're unaware). Got me thinking..."where did I go wrong?" My parents were never "discouraging" as it were, but they were never "encouraging" either. Well my dad seems to be a bit and my step-mom as well...my brother even too...but it's too little too late you know?

I almost had it in my head that I'd be better off back where I was...six...seven? years ago. I hated it there, I'm sure it would have ultimately killed me or had a helping hand in me killing myself, but I was safe, I was secure, I was taken care of. No one through it in my face that I wasn't in school, my jobs were easy enough and not too demanding though some times they felt as if they were, I was taken care of. I didn't have to worry about money and generally, if I wanted something I could have it...but I stuck to trying to get what I needed rather then wanted cause it wasn't my money anymore.

I don't feel like I have the ability to take care of anyone properly...I can't even do that for myself.

Sacrifice. I don't think I'm in a position at this pint in time to make a sacrifice that's not going to yield positive and instant/semi-instant results. Then I thought, "people have made sacrifices for me...but I've not asked for them, in fact I've begged they not be made becauseof/for me." Then of course I analyzed that line of thinking a bit more...people don't necessarily make sacrifices for you expecting they'll get them in return (though most times you know they do). They're made kind of as a "sign" of sorts to show you that you're trusted...the door has been open for you to do the same but not necessary that you do so. They can also be looked at as someone saying, "hey, I trust you, I'm going to do this for you." But at the moment it's not an issue of trust necessarily. If anything a lack of trust in my own self. I'm not "stable" in who I am at the moment...a long recovery...I fuck things up left and right still...just not as much as I used to.

Eh, that's all that I have in my head that I can voice right now. The rest will just have to wait until I have time, and can sort the thoughts out.

Peace out ya'll.

I'm going to tear myself apart, I just have to figure out where and how to start.








"This feeling of despair is never wearing out"

Doubts, sinking in from all around
And I don't know how to be anything but myself
I don't even know how to be that to be honest
I want to stop freaking out about consequences
The kind where I worry about everyone I'm going to hurt
The kind that have me doing what I find best for everyone but me
But it's never clear what's best for me...so I'll never know
Do I take this road...or that one?

"every day trying to make up for the one before
climb three flights to tremble at the sight of your already open door
the frustration I see when I tell you I like some company
breaks my heart
how can you be so impartial?

and I've made myself the fool
who's fallen for you
so let me down softly this time and
I wont have to come back cryin'
I've just made myself look bad and
you're the one who should be feelin' bad
it'd be better to forget you
but I don't really want to
it'd be better to forget you
but I don't really want to

energy spent trying to believe you're not worth it
you don't deserve it
but I wish you did 'cause I can't live without this
and I'll remember you as the second or two
artists I knew who decided to screw me over
'cause it's the bolder thing to do"

"The Bolder Thing to Do" - Gregory and the Hawk

You make me nervous
No, I don't trust myself without you
You can't trust what your heart tells you
You want to ignore what your brain warns against

And you wouldn't even think to question me
But I put that doubt in your head so long ago
With midnight tales of how my life went wrong

I'll be the greatest disappointment you've ever had
I can't have you expecting the best from me
Because I can't deliver, I'll not live up to higher standards

Too many years of conditioning
Too many attempts to fall off that pedestal

I am what I do, what I say, and what I feel
He argued against it so I had to prove him wrong

I've perfected the ability to do the wrong thing
Oh I'm the cleverest girl, I know
I must prove to you that all I know to do is disappoint
It's not a way to live, I know
It's not fair to anyone but I suppose I'm just selfish that way
Forgive me if you can but it's the only way I know to live

It should be so easy to quit just for you
All the things I need to survive should take a backseat
There was a time I thought I'd never have what those songs are all about
You should be enough for me, you could be the best thing
But I'll be the worst mistake you ever made

I go where the comfort takes me
It used to be your arms
But you're so far away
Waved good-bye and left me here
I know it's not fair, and I never intend to blame you

Now I find solace in places that aren't here
In places where I can't think too hard
Where missing you can't trap me
Where I can unwind just a little bit
Just let the knots I've been tying fray and fall away
It (she) helps me, you know
Fills the spot where you left a hole
It's (she's) no replacement, it's (she's) no you
But damn it, it (she) holds me tight

I thought we'd never part
You were going to be my fresh start
Opened my eyes and made me more true to myself than I've ever known I could be
You were the only thing I required, but
I put my life's happiness on your shoulders
I depended on you to keep me happy and sane, when that was never your job
It should be so easy to stand on my own
But here I stand, wishing I could hide in my own shadow

I fell apart, crushed and crumbled to my knees
I'm stronger when I'm weak
The unsatisfying familiarity
This darkness is what I know, sadly, it's home

I can't hold on to anyone as long as I'd like to...seems all the people I have instant, awesome connections with have to move along sooner than I'd prefer. Story of my life...I stay behind...I can't keep up..."well I lagged behind so you got ahead."

I can't make promises or guarantees...I never felt I could to begin with. This journey I've been on...scares the shit out of me. I'm in pain, not just cause I'm sick but because I've hurt people and I can't handle doing that.

I don't know what I want to do. I can't say I won't be tempted by outside things I can't say I'll never question whether I want something else or not. Deep down...I do blame you for leaving, though we've discussed your reasons and come to the conclusion that it wouldn't matter whether you were here or there...that we'd not be able to see each other.

I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anyone. You called me a heart breaker... I should be alone...I hate being alone but I should be because then I can't hurt anyone. You want answers I can't give.

I can't ask you to move back here because ultimately, you wanted to be gone, you were happier leaving this town. I know you're not happy being away from me, but...love...I'm still incredibly afraid I'm not what you need.

I told you, I'm not someone who can be alone, that's no excuse for what I've done, but it's the truth...I don't do well alone.

How can you still want to be with me? I don't get it. It's like I have to test shit, I have to have real proof that I deserve what I have...and sometimes I just push too fucking hard for that proof. I told you I'm having a hard time remembering us.

Being sick and having all this...other stuff...to think about...just makes everything so much more real...I'm faced with the truth that there's no one to come to my rescue no matter how hard I want someone to. You're 3000 miles away and I need someone here and now to hold me to show me... I'll wait for you, but I'm worried I'll never budge. I'm worried that maybe I can't ever be any one's. I don't deserve to be. I love you...but how is it that I've done this to you, to us if I love you? I've missed you for so long.

I don't want to be here anymore, not here in this town...just...not here anymore...no longer in existence.

How did I switch so fast? How did I allow myself that moment of weakness? How did I lose touch? Why did you go? Why? Too many questions that I'll never have answers to, you want answers and I can't give them. You deserve better, what if I can't be what you want or what you need?

Being alone is a bitch...

Being physically, mentally, and emotionally alone AND sick...just makes me wish even harder that I were no longer around.

Everyone I know goes away in the end

There's no one here
I'm not where I want to be
And I'm not even sure I know where that is

This is so far, the loneliest day of my life

"So this is odd,
the painful realization that all has gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by
a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once
before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is the last time."

"This Brilliant Dance" - Dashboard Confessional

Hey, anyone out there...?
Have you ever felt like being dead, even when you're incredibly happy?

The weather outside is frightful

Just postin' some pics I took from our snow. I felt trapped at my dad's because of it, but once I got home, I loved it! It's so pretty! Our town is covered in white and it looks so surreal.

The beginning of the snow - part of my dad's back yard


Little more snow - part of my dad's front yard


Little more snow - 'nother part of my dad's front yard


Tons o' snow - clothesline at my mom's house


Tons o' snow - back porch at my mom's house


Tons o' snow - back porch steps at my mom's house


My snow angel (on the possible last night of snow) - back porch of my mom's

"Won't you cure my tragedy...

Don't take her smile away from me
She's broken and I'm far away"

"When I sit and think of the days we shared
and the nights you covered for me
Every little thing that I ever did
You would stand by me
Every time you cried it would take my wind
My heart would break
If I could be strong like you were for me
You are my faith"

"I can't take this anymore
I can't feel this anymore
Won't you take and give her pain to me
'Cause my whole life I've made mistakes
Can you hear me scream?"



Laying down on a side street like a bum
Living my life like I'm twenty-one
Smelling of stale cigarettes and spent liquor...

It's snowing like crazy and I'm stuck here, though I'm about to attempt going into town to drop some of my things off and prepare myself for being home (finally) after house/dog sitting for my dad.

I'm missing people more than ever today, I can't handle that.

She wants me to like myself more, scratch that, she wants me to love myself. She wants my friends, even the ones she doesn't care for, to show me that I matter. No, I wasn't shown this kind of thing when I was younger apparently not in the ways that it matters, so why does it matter so much now? I love myself enough to still be here...but then again maybe I'm too chicken to do anything drastic. The snow's pretty, time to go brave it and make my way home for a bit.

The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend"

Wish I could say that were true for me.

I'm depressed again, I can see that all too clearly now. I mean, I actually came out of it, it took me a bit to realize I was, but I finally recognized it. And now, well now I can see when it comes back on. All I want to do is crawl into bed and hide away. I want someone to take care of me, cause I fail at any attempts to take care of myself.

I want to be everything.
I want to be the one with all the answers.
I want to be the one who can take care of anyone, any time, no exceptions.
I want to do whatever it takes to be the one.
I want to be strong.

I don't feel like I'm any of the above.

"Come on Darlin' let's go back to bed"

Good Jewel lyric didn't want to take credit since the following is my poem but the title of the post is not my own. (Another good one...with one edit..."Get over here and warm my hands up, girl, it's you they love to hold")

Written November 15, 2006

Your hair is still everywhere
From those days spent in the sheets
(And the ones spent on them)
If your love is my drug
Then your sex is my much wanted overdose

The things I would do if you were here
Tear those clothes from your beautiful body
(They're over-rated)
Cover every inch of you with kisses too numerous to count
Before I cover you with my own flesh

All the sounds that slip from your lips to my ears
They tease me on and on to please
I wish my lips could be everywhere at once
So I could always have my eyes on yours
The intensity, oh what it does to me

I'd have you anywhere I could
No time would be wasted with you near me
This time apart makes my once great need unbearable
Our times together blend and play in my head
Torturing me, leaving me yearning for your touch

I long to reacquaint our bodies
To get to know every smooth curve, every line, every soft surface
All over again
It's been too long my love
Won't you please come home...

Initially written (literally) on Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Recall one of my more recent posts where I wrote that I wished I could record my thoughts? Well even if you don't (though you could scroll down and find out)...now you've got an idea.

I'm writing all this down to blog about later... I've got plenty of time to write though my hand will surely cramp due to it's inability to keep up with my rapid-fire thoughts (and tangents).

The power is out, I've heard the entire island is without. Some parts of the island lost power as early as three o'clock in the a.m. but here in town we lost it around noon.

I also heard our bridge is out and I'm sure the ferries aren't running either. Stranded. Stranded physically, stranded mentally with a lot of time to think which delves into too much time to analyze.

I had attempted to take a nap as I have time on my hands and simply because every morning all I ever want to do is go back to bed...and even though I need the money, weather like this has me praying for a power outage.

So as you can plainly deduct, I'm not napping. Had tried and I think I did catch a few minutes of shut-eye, but alas, a phone call interrupted. My grandma's caregiver for the day called to ask if I could pick up a pizza for them. Me forgetting the town's power outage went straight for the sad truth: that I have no money. How do I forget about the power outage? lol. I told her our power was out too, so pizza became a no-go. I was relieved I'd not have to go out there and see my grandma. The caregiver had to throw in, "I've been trying to call [the pizza place] but no one is answering. Our power's been out since 3 a.m. and all I've been thinking about is 'a pizza and some hot coffee would be nice.' Oh well, I guess we'll just have water, there's plenty of food but no way to prepare it." UGH! It occurred to me that my dad's got a gas stove and usually has tons of good leftovers, I could have called him up and sent him to her house. And though he's my grandma's ex-son-in-law, he'd probably have done it. I never called.

It's funny, the sun just came out. It's rather bright and out of place. The sky is dark and a storm is a-raging.

So after the phone call ended I curled back up in my (cold) bed. The house is always so cold on a regular basis, but usually I can find solace in bed with my electric blanket cranked up. Now I'm stranded without either of my two heat sources...her and my blanket.

Sirens are breaking the silence between gusts of wind. Gutters which had been fixed to not rattle in the wind are no match for the their strength today; their annoying vibrations are mixing with the creaking house (which feels like it's swaying).

Anyway, back in bed...well I mean back to the memory of me being back in bed...I got to thinking and I'm not sure what the first thought was about. The gist of it was me questioning why I love knowing who's calling, thank goodness for caller-ID on my cell phone. Though I'm fucked (not pleasantly) when I get a call from someone who isn't programmed in my phone, somehow they pose a threat. These calls trigger thoughts instantaneously, "Who do I know that could belong to this number?" "Why would anyone who's not programmed in my phone have reason to call me?" I hate answering the house phone as well (no caller-ID), I avoid this phone at all costs, usually just screen them and decide if I want to pick up or not.

I analyzed all of that. And my conclusion? My subconscious. I'm afraid of getting *THE* call. "Megan, there's been an accident" or "Megan, so-and-so is dead." Something dreadful along those lines.

Waiting for the bottom to drop out.
Relying on instinct from past experiences and stacks of negatives (cons) to prepare for the worst.

Years of negatives have me jaded. Just as easy as one of these phone calls could represent something bad, it could be someone calling with great or even mediocre news - but I don't think like that.

So, I don't like unknown calls because I'm afraid of what they could mean.

something happened at work yesterday that was rather entertaining...I wore my glasses without one lens without realizing...someone else pointed it out to me after I'd been wearing them for maybe two hours. I found it amusing as well so this isn't a bad thought.

I work with a whole lotta Filipino women and while they are rather chatty I was intimidated by them at first. Now a lot of people know my name at work and I don't even know some of them. This is also not a bad thing, I tend to get more, "Hi Megan" and such now.

A lot of people at work like me, or seem to at least. I can't grasp this idea. People like me. People like me? Heck, years after high school I found out more people knew me than I realized, not just knew me, liked me, just didn't like my then best friend.

It feels awesome to have people talking to me at work. Though part of it is them making jokes about my glasses lately lol, but I've made myself an easy target. I do get picked on, but not in a way that bothers me because it's more of a, "I like you so I pick on you" kind of thing. It's the quiet people at work that scare me. I'm sure it doesn't hurt that I do an awesome job, least they all say that, but all I can do ("is read a book to stay awake..." sorry song popped in my head) is be shocked. I'm doing my job, doing my best and working my hardest - as everyone should.

So yeah all of this (all four, soon to be almost five pages) is notes for a blog post which was only going to touch on two, maybe three topics. 1) my avoidance of phone calls, 2) people at work like me, and 3) the power outage. If the outage lasts much longer my hand will be dead and I'll have a million pages of word vomit to type out...or avoid typing since I managed to get my thoughts out in some manner.

Holy shit...the house is shaking.

I survived...power came back on around eight p.m. is what I'm hearing. C and I skipped town, it was fun.

Just another day

What can I say that's not too redundant yet? It's not as if I have an incredibly busy schedule or anything, not as if I do anything of great interest either.

Found out today that the neck pain I experience followed by nausea and a headache is quite possibly a migraine...yay me. I always thought migraines were more intense, not to say that the pain I experience isn't intense...just with the exception of minor whining do to the annoyance of pain...I suppose I handle pain well. Of course it does occur to me there can be different types (?) of migraines as well. I find when these "headaches" of mine come on I really need to be sitting or laying down. I already can't stand for long periods of time because I tend to feel winded when I do so and just get to feeling kinda funny, but with the "headaches" I get dizzy right away and the pain is greater. I feel like such a wuss. I haven't really had any sort of headache in a while and now it seems almost daily since last week. It also can't be good that I pop Tums before work just to make sure my stomach will be okay all day, not even in relation to the nausea from the "headaches", can it?

Ugh, and I've been getting foot cramps a lot, not frequently or anything just at sporadic times...but I almost never get foot cramps and now...well I was in the bathroom and got one...that was hard. *Sigh* maybe I'm dying, I mean faster than the usual rate.

Today is full on day one of "I-only-have-one-friend-in-town-day". He called me up asking if we could hang out later. I basically told him I'm up for it. Honestly I'd rather stay home in my "hole", secluded and in my comfort zone (as much comfort as being by myself in my room can allow for). But I get the feeling that without Robert, he's a bit lost in a sense. It's of course hard to gauge though, as C doesn't seem to really need people the way I feel I do, and if he does, he is really good at hiding it. C called yesterday while I was out of town looking to hang out, sounded as miserable as he said he was. I felt bad, well I would for anyone, but for C in general, it's rare I get to "see"/see him that way and not get hit with some shit too. I mean bad moods...we don't always treat those around us too well depending...yeah, I'm not trying to bash C so I'm done. I just feel bad because I'm out of it and feeling totally alone but I know if I need him, C's here...but he's got to be feeling some kind of shit too...Robert did leave him behind as well and Robert seemed an integral part of C's day.

Also, another lame attempt perhaps...I miss M. She won't acknowledge anything I do or "say". Perhaps I was given false information? Not to rat out C but it seems obvious he's in the middle and if anything is trying to help. I'd not take anything he told me to be said maliciously, nor would I use what he's said in a malicious way. So M, I need some sort of a sign before I decide I've really fucked things up beyond the point of no return. C made me think there was hope as you ask about me from time to time. Since the beginning of this...falling out...I've thought about you, I've wondered about you, I've definitely cared about what's going on with you, most of which I find out second hand - part of which is my own fault, I know. I don't/hadn't called you because you don't like talking on the phone and I'm not in the mood to put someone who doesn't like it in that position, along with the fact that we've not really spoken in awhile and it'd just be more awkward on top of your not liking the phone. I wish you'd email me, the way you, C, and I used to do in the past. I felt like it was a little newsletter to an exclusive club or something. Do you know how often I've just wanted to drive out to your house and...well...I don't know what I'd do but it's not like I've gotten that far - I worry bout your schedule cause it's not just school anymore. It's work, it's temping, it's gyming, it's hanging with Ch... That blog post you read and responded to angrily...you took it wrong, well I suppose I'd have taken it the same way but...ugh...remember after I moved out...I had no one...S's kinda been with me from that point on, straight through...so yeah...I'm not sure if that clarifies anything for you, I doubt it makes it better. It wasn't even a complaint in that post, in fact I was happy with having the two of them...I wouldn't have known to include anyone else as you and I have been...estranged since August...you got offended at something you'd already pointed out to me a dozen or more times, we're not close friends right now (if you still consider us friends at all)...was it wrong to not have listed you? I'm sorry, as I've said a million times, I can say it no more. I do love you, I need a fucking sign.

S, congratulations on the end of (work related)probation. (Didn't want that to look bad lol.) It's about damn time huh? Tread a little harder on those eggshells now? You do sound amazing at what you do, I know you're not the type to brag in a "look at me, look at me" sort of way, but more of a "wow, look what I can do" sort of thing (least I hope it's more like that :P). Glad you had a decent time at that dinner as well, I'd have been bobbing my head right along with you lol, as I don't absorb that kind of knowledge easily if at all. Love you.

My love, I am proud of you for your test scores, I'm jealous of how well you did because I'm terrified of how I'll do when my time comes. Accomplishments are a big deal doesn't matter how small they are, so no matter what, you do deserve a "good job/congratulations" something of that sort at minimum. I'm surprised anyone can just be all "blah" about it. I love you, I miss you.

It's amazing what seeing you does to me. I mean I've got pictures of you I look at every day, but being able to see you semi-real time...I'm so happy.

Today was hard saying goodbye to Robert...my stability is slipping away again...I don't know where I stand with someone and then there's one other person here that I've got. Maybe I'm to blame, but can it really be all my fault?

"This world brings me down, again. I know that I need you, to help me make it through and I know that you're the one for me."

Why do I feel so incredibly alone right now? It's out of place rediculous.