I miss my laptop. I miss being able to sit in my bed with it, miss being able to sit outside with it, and I miss being able to bring it in the car with me and use it as my not so convinient, temporary iPod.

I don't feel right. Sick of being in my own skin possibly. There are too many things I should have done, too many things I should have said, and more importantly too many things I should be.

I miss my girlfriend. Without her I don't feel complete and to me that's how it should feel with her as far away as she is. If you're with someone, I mean in the terms of "have a significant other" then they are what completes you. If you can function just fine without them, I applaud you.

I'm done with this town and from the looks of it, it's been done with me for a very long time. What am I supposed to do?

Written October 24, 2006

I'm outside Baby, watching you
Depending on your memory to get me through.

These cigarettes I smoke are no need of mine
I just feel a connection with you, they bring me closer every time.

The time we had was never our's but we took it and spent it well.
I wish I had you here to hold tight and kiss 'cause without you Baby, even heaven is hell.

this is a major TBC (to be continued) but feel free to comment anyway

"Did you know I miss you?"


You're not gone yet but I do miss you more than I've missed anyone before.
My first taste of something real, something I can grasp with my entire heart and soul and say, "this is mine, all mine, all for me".

I love you so much.

Written October 1, 2006

I just woke up
And I realized I'm alone
For the millionth night in a row.

I can't promise you forever
But if there's a way to end this pain and have you back
I'm all for it.

The rational side of me is getting in the way
Pushing and shoving until I have to see
Telling me I have to wonder if this was meant to last.

I don't want to cut and run
This love wasn't meant for only fun
I can't promise you forever but for you I'd like to try.

This world's been so unkind
And life's just staring me down
I don't think it's fair, but my odds never looked good.

...maybe continued as well, who knows.

It's you I would die for
You I pine for
You who holds the key

You make me feel brand new
Given my world a brighter hue

...to be continued, possibly.

Written September 20, 2006

She's still angry
And I can't get over...
...the intensity in her eyes when I have to ask her to look at me
...the disappointed way she lets me know I've let her down...again.

It happened so quickly and I'm to blame
I can't escape the fault
But I'm forced to wonder why I gave little thought to...
...what was at stake, a promise I made
...anything beyond the want...the addiction.

Frustration and anger...
Just unresolved feelings toward myself.

A thoughtless coward
I let everything slide...
...in an instant of weakness and loss of judgement
...a moment I can't take back though I've tried.

She's making me wait
And I guess it's my fate for now
To be alone with my worst enemy...
...me.

"Cause you're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything...everything"

"To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do"

"You're winning me over with everything you say
You rip my heart right out
You rip my heart right out
When I let you closer I only want you closer
You rip my heart right out
You rip my heart right out"

"August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodbye
You never know what temporal days may bring"

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to"

"We'll do it all, everything, on our own.
We don't need anything, or anyone.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.
Forget what we're told, before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life."

"All that I am, all that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where, confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all."

"I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here"

"Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess"

"I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind"

"find me here
and speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where I find peace again

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this yeah

you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now"

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury
or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer

The words are hushed let's not get busted
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered
Safe in here from all the stupid questions
"Hey did you get some?"... Man, that is so dumb
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear
So we can get some"

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want (you) to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

What money can buy...

So, I've compiled a list of things I wanted to purchase and people I need to pay back. But now that I can't remember any of those, I'ma list the fun stuff.

A tattoo. Not sure where, I've wanted one on my lower back for ages. Probably a design of some sort, not words or a picture. I realize certain people think that's trashy...but seeing as I'm not a trashy person...is that even possible?

Possibly a piercing other than my ears of course. I'm thinking maybe my tongue but I so don't know.

Clothes and of course shoes.

"I'll buy a big house where we both could live."

Dogs, maybe one to start with, but at least two in the end. If they aren't both big dogs, one of them has to be at least. There's no way I'm getting just a tiny dog...no way. I don't care if it's a large dog who thinks it's a lapdog, that quality I love.

I suppose that's really it for now. Lol...you'd think it'd be a longer list...but...money doesn't buy happiness such a fucking lie and I am apparently not too hard to please.

Forbidden.

One day it won't be about age, race, gender, upbringing. One day it won't be about rumors, heresay, and suspicions. One day it will be about what you can see, what you experience, what you know yourself. It will be about the person, the good in the person, the love given to and received from the person.

I wish I could say, "don't judge a book by it's cover" just for the simple, "read it your damn self" idea of it all, but I know there are times I read a book because it was recommended. I suppose in a way that could be chalked up to "rumors" and "heresay"?

I've never felt so...I'm not sure what the word is actually. I already had a major issue that needs work, an issue I've been...absent about...but this, this fucking takes the cake.

Before and After

Let's keep in mind that no body work was done, least not in shop body work. My step-dad did clean it up a bit and put a piece back on. And of course the tire rotation put the wheel in the back instead of in the front...wouldn't matter much, he cleaned that up after the rotation, too.

BEFORE:



AFTER:

The World Spins Madly On

Something real, hopefully not a rant or anything crazy, just me and my laptop and my thoughts.

The sky is pale...hint of pink in the clouds, not quite as cotton candy like as they were a few evenings ago, but pretty nonetheless.

Today was a good day though all I really did was work. It dragged on, I was tired, got something like 4 hours of sleep last night and only a bit more than that the night before but somehow I didn't once feel like I was going to fall asleep at work (thankfully). The hours did drag on and on though, but that's how the week's been for the most part. I'm exhausted and rightly so but I'm doing all right.

I want to write, I suppose my post last night was a bit of a poem...but not too sure, I suppose that's up to me ultimately. I remember a year ago feeling the same damn way, frustrated that I couldn't write and that everything seemed so repetitive, but we'll see, I wrote a few lines a few nights ago and maybe they'll turn into something when I devote time to them.

Work's slowed me down a whole lot, I suppose when you spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (occasional overtime as well) stuck somewhere it would slow everything down. The job's good and I'm good at it, heck, my supervisor is still trying to get me a raise already and it's only been a month today (you're not technically even up for the option of a raise until after 90 days, but there's still a chance for me I guess).

My car...my step-dad has actually been taking care of that for me for the most part. Jacked it up and looked at it to see if he knew what damage was done, something about a control arm being bent so one of my wheels was tilted slightly. He even called to speak to the guy we were going to go through for repairs to see if I'd brought it by, later went and talked to the guy after he gave his estimate and ideas on what needed to be done, basically just did what I needed someone to do for me - he stepped in and graciously helped. The last two days he's taken me to and picked me up from work, got up early and everything. Even took it in to get aligned and tires rotated today...now all I have to do is get the windshield replaced (wasn't damaged in the accident of course, those who know me know this already lol).

My mom did chew me out when she first found out about the accident, saying things like, "maybe you shouldn't be allowed to drive" and shit like that, tearing me to shreds and when I couldn't take it anymore, when I felt like a huge child I told asked her if she didn't think I wasn't already pissed off at myself that it even happened...then my cellphone lost the signal and I was afraid she'd think I hung up on her so of course I had to call back and make sure she understood I hadn't...her tone was sweeter, can always count on her to turn so quickly. In all fairness, the very first thing she said after I answered my phone was, "are you okay?" so I can't fault her right off at least. Didn't speak to her until a week later and she talked to me normal, better even, discussed what needed to be done for the car and insurance and all that fun stuff but it went really well...surprisingly.

Hoping to be getting new glasses soon. I only have glasses for reading but they've been the wrong prescription for years and I don't always wear them when I should...*shrugs*. Not sure what style I'm going for now. I kind of want plastic frames but who knows guess I'll have to see what I like and what I look good in? Suggestions?

I want bigger and better things for myself. I deserve bigger and better things...will I allow myself these things? Will I push myself to go after them? God, I hope so.

I'm happy, things could improve in a few areas, but I'm happy. Relieved.

I love you all, just so you know...well you guys all know who you are...if you're some random reader...well there's a good chance that if I knew you I could love you...but this isn't really meant towards you occasional random readers, sorry.

I just want to know, is that too much to ask?

I want to know what's going through your head,
What's got you teary eyed and detached.

I want to know what's going on with them,
What's got them not loving me when I say I love them.

I suppose I've got no legs to stand on.
I can be just as silent, just as unresponsive.

I'm the one to blame for this madness?

You'll tell me when you're ready, I know that,
I hope that...I want that.



I never said I was done.
It never once crossed my fucking mind.
I feel like you're telling me we are.
I feel like you got together and decided neither of you would respond.
I know what you must think of me, how you must feel about me.





I don't understand anything anymore. It's been a fucking year. I've grown, I finally have a job, got my first car accident out of the way...

How did I leave with nothing? Why does it feel like none of it happened? Why do I feel like this is a fucking ritual? I mean...us not talking...it's like a year ago...when we weren't talking.

Fucking phantom limbs.
Fucking SUVs and blind ass retards who don't fucking see them in the other lane.
Fucking dirt taking bullshit...there should be no dirt about this!
Fucking no response cause you don't deserve one!

FUCK.

Slightly intoximicated, feeling like karma's a fucking bitch...and well...just sad. In a "scared of crying" mood cause I don't want to be alone and crying hurts.

Wishing I were rich so I could solve a few problems and live how I want to, free of all this bullshit.

Can't wait to have my hair cut, can't wait for people to stop fucking assuming shit, can't wait for...things.

Thanks for changing your name.

If a picture's worth a thousand words...how many kick me's is this worth?

No one was hurt, but I'm kinda wishing I were dead.

Good friend? Or maybe the world's shittiest person?

So, long time ago I used to pride myself on being a good friend. I was a loyal companion (better than a dog though, I'd like to think) and everything else there ever could be good about a friend. I felt this way up until...mmm...maybe about a year ago when I felt like I betrayed/abandoned all my friends (only three friends...eh, only?!). So this past year I felt like I was becoming the kind of friend I used to be, if not better, smarter about things at least...with the exception of a few minor arguments and very, very rare blowouts everything was going smoothly till about the time I got a job. Now I'm not blaming it all on the job mind you, though I'm sure I did in the beginning but only cause it was the only cause I could think of, not just an excuse.

I know I should be addressing this entire thought to a few very important people, but it's easier for me to show my shame openly apparently. Maybe somewhere deep down I feel like this might redeem me a little, if at all *shrugs* I don't know.

Work is part of it. The first few days, maybe the first week, I felt pretty good, still felt like a pretty awesome, gung-ho friend. This is where I get confused with things and possibly ruin an important friendship. I think I need/needed some sort of break. Something calm and just allowing (not sure if that's going to make sense, I'm doing the best I can).

I met someone and we became fast friends, the closest I've ever gotten to any of my friends in such a short amount of time. She is in no way a replacement for my posse or any member of my posse. I'm in no way done with my posse or any member of said posse. I love you guys so much and I am presently showing it in the worst possible way, I know. The thing I'm so confused about is how the hell did I go from so great with my friends to not even having a full desire to hang out with them? I know the job hasn't quite forced me to grow up, but...did I somehow subconsciously decide I need a break from my friends? My best friends at that?

This new friend...we consider ourselves twins, there's so much we have in common from the flavor of gum we love to how we feel about most things, I mean I've had a lot of similarities with friends that's always bound to happen but this time, I feel as if I've found my double. Yes, it's a new relationship and new relationships sometimes cause us to shy away from everyone else, but I'm worried about where it'll lead. There's no one to blame but myself. I know this. No one in my posse did anything wrong and neither did my new friend. I'm not managing this the best way possible, I'm just sitting back and watching it happen, hoping some clue will pop up for me to follow and that's the most absurd, unfair thing to do to any of my friends, shit, to anyone.

I'm not through with you guys and I'm not sure if that made anything any clearer or what. I love the two of you more than I've been showing lately. All I can do is ask for time and I'm not sure I deserve that. If you're mad at me, you have every right so...don't doubt that (I'm not saying that to get an "I'm not mad at you" out of this, but you tend to question your emotions on occasion...lol...I think we all question your emotions sometimes :P). I know you're hurt by me and I hate that and I'm sorry for that.

I love you two, I'll come around, I promise. You deserve better, you deserve none of this. cloven hoof...

I'd forgotten I had this, forgot I took it even. I'm sorry, but I adore this picture and the subject...no, I'm not refering to the hi-hat. You're beautiful.

I'm afraid...








... of losing.

So, I survived another day, my second day of real work in my entire life. My arm is killing me from yesterday though, and just my tricep on my right arm. A nerve must be pinched in my arm cause my thumb, index finger, middle finger and half of my ring finger have been tingling all freaking day. If the tip of my thumb gets bumped, intense tingle...it's freaking insane and incredibly annoying...and only a slight bit terrifying.

I'm incredibly tired, so much so that my friends think I'm high (seriously folks, no drugs were harmed in the surviving of this day). It's my own doing though, well that and I'm operating on an incredibly bizarre schedule, least to my body and mind it's bizarre...to think, I did it this way so I could keep my social life...night owl by nature, it would have been tons wiser to pick the night shift, but...considering I'd never see anyone...I bit the bullet and took days. Course that is also my fault, I'm the one who'd die without them, I mean...gah, they'd probably say they'd die without me, but my point is, it was my choice, I'm the one who felt desperate at the thought of no real hang time with my friends...course there still would have been the weekends...what the hell?? Eh, no point thinking on it now.

Let's just hope my hand stops tingling cause it's not the greatest sensation in the world.

Watched Mean Creek with my peeps tonight, good movie, sad, but good...not sad in the chick flick sort of way, that's a promise I can make.

WAAAAAAAAH-POW the Cloven Hoof strikes once more!...(with feeling)

So, first day wasn't bad at all...didn't fall asleep until after 3am and had to be up by 7am something...and I'm still awake lol...

Stripped a few screws...but all's well.

So I put some things together for a company called Zonar...programmed some boards (circuit boards) and yeah...my supervisor said I'm doing very well...

Yeah, I don't want to work anymore lol...but, I've already spent my first paycheck in my head.

New red hair...



Last two pics are a tad bright, sorry.







(Look at that cowlick just sticking out there...)

Man, I need a hair cut.