It's you I would die for
You I pine for
You who holds the key

You make me feel brand new
Given my world a brighter hue

...to be continued, possibly.

Written September 20, 2006

She's still angry
And I can't get over...
...the intensity in her eyes when I have to ask her to look at me
...the disappointed way she lets me know I've let her down...again.

It happened so quickly and I'm to blame
I can't escape the fault
But I'm forced to wonder why I gave little thought to...
...what was at stake, a promise I made
...anything beyond the want...the addiction.

Frustration and anger...
Just unresolved feelings toward myself.

A thoughtless coward
I let everything slide...
...in an instant of weakness and loss of judgement
...a moment I can't take back though I've tried.

She's making me wait
And I guess it's my fate for now
To be alone with my worst enemy...
...me.

"Cause you're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything...everything"

"To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do"

"You're winning me over with everything you say
You rip my heart right out
You rip my heart right out
When I let you closer I only want you closer
You rip my heart right out
You rip my heart right out"

"August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodbye
You never know what temporal days may bring"

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to"

"We'll do it all, everything, on our own.
We don't need anything, or anyone.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.
Forget what we're told, before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life."

"All that I am, all that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where, confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all."

"I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here"

"Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess"

"I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind"

"find me here
and speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where I find peace again

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this yeah

you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now"

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury
or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer

The words are hushed let's not get busted
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered
Safe in here from all the stupid questions
"Hey did you get some?"... Man, that is so dumb
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear
So we can get some"

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want (you) to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

What money can buy...

So, I've compiled a list of things I wanted to purchase and people I need to pay back. But now that I can't remember any of those, I'ma list the fun stuff.

A tattoo. Not sure where, I've wanted one on my lower back for ages. Probably a design of some sort, not words or a picture. I realize certain people think that's trashy...but seeing as I'm not a trashy person...is that even possible?

Possibly a piercing other than my ears of course. I'm thinking maybe my tongue but I so don't know.

Clothes and of course shoes.

"I'll buy a big house where we both could live."

Dogs, maybe one to start with, but at least two in the end. If they aren't both big dogs, one of them has to be at least. There's no way I'm getting just a tiny dog...no way. I don't care if it's a large dog who thinks it's a lapdog, that quality I love.

I suppose that's really it for now. Lol...you'd think it'd be a longer list...but...money doesn't buy happiness such a fucking lie and I am apparently not too hard to please.

Forbidden.

One day it won't be about age, race, gender, upbringing. One day it won't be about rumors, heresay, and suspicions. One day it will be about what you can see, what you experience, what you know yourself. It will be about the person, the good in the person, the love given to and received from the person.

I wish I could say, "don't judge a book by it's cover" just for the simple, "read it your damn self" idea of it all, but I know there are times I read a book because it was recommended. I suppose in a way that could be chalked up to "rumors" and "heresay"?

I've never felt so...I'm not sure what the word is actually. I already had a major issue that needs work, an issue I've been...absent about...but this, this fucking takes the cake.

Before and After

Let's keep in mind that no body work was done, least not in shop body work. My step-dad did clean it up a bit and put a piece back on. And of course the tire rotation put the wheel in the back instead of in the front...wouldn't matter much, he cleaned that up after the rotation, too.

BEFORE:



AFTER:

The World Spins Madly On

Something real, hopefully not a rant or anything crazy, just me and my laptop and my thoughts.

The sky is pale...hint of pink in the clouds, not quite as cotton candy like as they were a few evenings ago, but pretty nonetheless.

Today was a good day though all I really did was work. It dragged on, I was tired, got something like 4 hours of sleep last night and only a bit more than that the night before but somehow I didn't once feel like I was going to fall asleep at work (thankfully). The hours did drag on and on though, but that's how the week's been for the most part. I'm exhausted and rightly so but I'm doing all right.

I want to write, I suppose my post last night was a bit of a poem...but not too sure, I suppose that's up to me ultimately. I remember a year ago feeling the same damn way, frustrated that I couldn't write and that everything seemed so repetitive, but we'll see, I wrote a few lines a few nights ago and maybe they'll turn into something when I devote time to them.

Work's slowed me down a whole lot, I suppose when you spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (occasional overtime as well) stuck somewhere it would slow everything down. The job's good and I'm good at it, heck, my supervisor is still trying to get me a raise already and it's only been a month today (you're not technically even up for the option of a raise until after 90 days, but there's still a chance for me I guess).

My car...my step-dad has actually been taking care of that for me for the most part. Jacked it up and looked at it to see if he knew what damage was done, something about a control arm being bent so one of my wheels was tilted slightly. He even called to speak to the guy we were going to go through for repairs to see if I'd brought it by, later went and talked to the guy after he gave his estimate and ideas on what needed to be done, basically just did what I needed someone to do for me - he stepped in and graciously helped. The last two days he's taken me to and picked me up from work, got up early and everything. Even took it in to get aligned and tires rotated today...now all I have to do is get the windshield replaced (wasn't damaged in the accident of course, those who know me know this already lol).

My mom did chew me out when she first found out about the accident, saying things like, "maybe you shouldn't be allowed to drive" and shit like that, tearing me to shreds and when I couldn't take it anymore, when I felt like a huge child I told asked her if she didn't think I wasn't already pissed off at myself that it even happened...then my cellphone lost the signal and I was afraid she'd think I hung up on her so of course I had to call back and make sure she understood I hadn't...her tone was sweeter, can always count on her to turn so quickly. In all fairness, the very first thing she said after I answered my phone was, "are you okay?" so I can't fault her right off at least. Didn't speak to her until a week later and she talked to me normal, better even, discussed what needed to be done for the car and insurance and all that fun stuff but it went really well...surprisingly.

Hoping to be getting new glasses soon. I only have glasses for reading but they've been the wrong prescription for years and I don't always wear them when I should...*shrugs*. Not sure what style I'm going for now. I kind of want plastic frames but who knows guess I'll have to see what I like and what I look good in? Suggestions?

I want bigger and better things for myself. I deserve bigger and better things...will I allow myself these things? Will I push myself to go after them? God, I hope so.

I'm happy, things could improve in a few areas, but I'm happy. Relieved.

I love you all, just so you know...well you guys all know who you are...if you're some random reader...well there's a good chance that if I knew you I could love you...but this isn't really meant towards you occasional random readers, sorry.

I just want to know, is that too much to ask?

I want to know what's going through your head,
What's got you teary eyed and detached.

I want to know what's going on with them,
What's got them not loving me when I say I love them.

I suppose I've got no legs to stand on.
I can be just as silent, just as unresponsive.

I'm the one to blame for this madness?

You'll tell me when you're ready, I know that,
I hope that...I want that.



I never said I was done.
It never once crossed my fucking mind.
I feel like you're telling me we are.
I feel like you got together and decided neither of you would respond.
I know what you must think of me, how you must feel about me.





I don't understand anything anymore. It's been a fucking year. I've grown, I finally have a job, got my first car accident out of the way...

How did I leave with nothing? Why does it feel like none of it happened? Why do I feel like this is a fucking ritual? I mean...us not talking...it's like a year ago...when we weren't talking.

Fucking phantom limbs.
Fucking SUVs and blind ass retards who don't fucking see them in the other lane.
Fucking dirt taking bullshit...there should be no dirt about this!
Fucking no response cause you don't deserve one!

FUCK.

Slightly intoximicated, feeling like karma's a fucking bitch...and well...just sad. In a "scared of crying" mood cause I don't want to be alone and crying hurts.

Wishing I were rich so I could solve a few problems and live how I want to, free of all this bullshit.

Can't wait to have my hair cut, can't wait for people to stop fucking assuming shit, can't wait for...things.

Thanks for changing your name.

If a picture's worth a thousand words...how many kick me's is this worth?

No one was hurt, but I'm kinda wishing I were dead.

Good friend? Or maybe the world's shittiest person?

So, long time ago I used to pride myself on being a good friend. I was a loyal companion (better than a dog though, I'd like to think) and everything else there ever could be good about a friend. I felt this way up until...mmm...maybe about a year ago when I felt like I betrayed/abandoned all my friends (only three friends...eh, only?!). So this past year I felt like I was becoming the kind of friend I used to be, if not better, smarter about things at least...with the exception of a few minor arguments and very, very rare blowouts everything was going smoothly till about the time I got a job. Now I'm not blaming it all on the job mind you, though I'm sure I did in the beginning but only cause it was the only cause I could think of, not just an excuse.

I know I should be addressing this entire thought to a few very important people, but it's easier for me to show my shame openly apparently. Maybe somewhere deep down I feel like this might redeem me a little, if at all *shrugs* I don't know.

Work is part of it. The first few days, maybe the first week, I felt pretty good, still felt like a pretty awesome, gung-ho friend. This is where I get confused with things and possibly ruin an important friendship. I think I need/needed some sort of break. Something calm and just allowing (not sure if that's going to make sense, I'm doing the best I can).

I met someone and we became fast friends, the closest I've ever gotten to any of my friends in such a short amount of time. She is in no way a replacement for my posse or any member of my posse. I'm in no way done with my posse or any member of said posse. I love you guys so much and I am presently showing it in the worst possible way, I know. The thing I'm so confused about is how the hell did I go from so great with my friends to not even having a full desire to hang out with them? I know the job hasn't quite forced me to grow up, but...did I somehow subconsciously decide I need a break from my friends? My best friends at that?

This new friend...we consider ourselves twins, there's so much we have in common from the flavor of gum we love to how we feel about most things, I mean I've had a lot of similarities with friends that's always bound to happen but this time, I feel as if I've found my double. Yes, it's a new relationship and new relationships sometimes cause us to shy away from everyone else, but I'm worried about where it'll lead. There's no one to blame but myself. I know this. No one in my posse did anything wrong and neither did my new friend. I'm not managing this the best way possible, I'm just sitting back and watching it happen, hoping some clue will pop up for me to follow and that's the most absurd, unfair thing to do to any of my friends, shit, to anyone.

I'm not through with you guys and I'm not sure if that made anything any clearer or what. I love the two of you more than I've been showing lately. All I can do is ask for time and I'm not sure I deserve that. If you're mad at me, you have every right so...don't doubt that (I'm not saying that to get an "I'm not mad at you" out of this, but you tend to question your emotions on occasion...lol...I think we all question your emotions sometimes :P). I know you're hurt by me and I hate that and I'm sorry for that.

I love you two, I'll come around, I promise. You deserve better, you deserve none of this. cloven hoof...

I'd forgotten I had this, forgot I took it even. I'm sorry, but I adore this picture and the subject...no, I'm not refering to the hi-hat. You're beautiful.

I'm afraid...








... of losing.

So, I survived another day, my second day of real work in my entire life. My arm is killing me from yesterday though, and just my tricep on my right arm. A nerve must be pinched in my arm cause my thumb, index finger, middle finger and half of my ring finger have been tingling all freaking day. If the tip of my thumb gets bumped, intense tingle...it's freaking insane and incredibly annoying...and only a slight bit terrifying.

I'm incredibly tired, so much so that my friends think I'm high (seriously folks, no drugs were harmed in the surviving of this day). It's my own doing though, well that and I'm operating on an incredibly bizarre schedule, least to my body and mind it's bizarre...to think, I did it this way so I could keep my social life...night owl by nature, it would have been tons wiser to pick the night shift, but...considering I'd never see anyone...I bit the bullet and took days. Course that is also my fault, I'm the one who'd die without them, I mean...gah, they'd probably say they'd die without me, but my point is, it was my choice, I'm the one who felt desperate at the thought of no real hang time with my friends...course there still would have been the weekends...what the hell?? Eh, no point thinking on it now.

Let's just hope my hand stops tingling cause it's not the greatest sensation in the world.

Watched Mean Creek with my peeps tonight, good movie, sad, but good...not sad in the chick flick sort of way, that's a promise I can make.

WAAAAAAAAH-POW the Cloven Hoof strikes once more!...(with feeling)

So, first day wasn't bad at all...didn't fall asleep until after 3am and had to be up by 7am something...and I'm still awake lol...

Stripped a few screws...but all's well.

So I put some things together for a company called Zonar...programmed some boards (circuit boards) and yeah...my supervisor said I'm doing very well...

Yeah, I don't want to work anymore lol...but, I've already spent my first paycheck in my head.

New red hair...



Last two pics are a tad bright, sorry.







(Look at that cowlick just sticking out there...)

Man, I need a hair cut.

Thought I'd just let you all know I got the job for sure, I start Tuesday morning.

So my group:

The girl who knew too much (but we love her more)
The boy with no tongue (but a lot of heart)
The boy who was meant to be (but he's a McTard...forgive me)

and

me (brand x...they're freckles...apparently they're a curse)

Nobody hurt me, I hurt myself...still.

It kills me that I don't feel the things I remember, it all feels so damn dream like.
As if I was in a coma and I'm just now waking, that this year was me reacquainting myself with the world.
I knew him, he knew me.
I try to force it all back into reality.
I should feel it feel him, feel her but there's nothing there.
All those years, they're just gone.
All these tears, they're all I've got.
There's no documenting any of it and if I don't feel the memories then what is there to hold onto?

They were real, IT was real, we existed.
Now they exist, life moves on, I waste away.

You know enough about it. No matter what though, no amount of knowledge could ever bring you close to being there - NONE. So no matter how many times I go on and on about it, you can only sit there and nod your damn heads, feign interest, feign concern - I'm in it STILL. I'll never get out of my own fucking head.

Apparently it takes me at least one year to process the real brutal shit. Yeah, yeah pat me on the back I got away - from what?? You don't know, you can't tell me.

Won't you just fucking see me?
See and know that I'm falling apart, that I need to be rescued?
That it's easier to be strong and take care of you than sit around and wait for someone to do it for me??

What you're seeing, it's not what you're getting.

**Theme music to all this bullshit - "Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace**

Grazie mille.

Last Tuesday I went on a job interview for a company called TSI (Technical services Inc.). The interview went real well. The company puts circuit boards together and they've got three companies that they put whole products together for as opposed to just making circuit boards.

The woman who interviewed me had me do a mock circuit board, I had to copy the example circuit board as quickly as possible, some of the pieces have to be put in facing certain ways, other than that I just had to get it done. There were about 10 pieces, one was incredibly tiny. She'd given me a pair of pliers but said I could use my fingers if I preferred. Didn't need the pliers at all, not even with the little piece which she pointed out afterwards that she'd never seen anyone put that piece in without the pliers. She seemed shocked at how quickly I'd finished because she said I didn't even look rushed but I'd done a great job and a quick one as well. She said that it was too bad they didn't have an opening in that part of assembly at the time.

She said that she needed to find a few other people to fill some positions but that she really wanted to hire me, not an, "I want to hire you, but..." kind of thing either. I left feeling rather confident.

On Friday I gave her a call back to see if the positions had been filled and she informed me that they had but there was going to be another opening on the 24th but that the company hadn't decided if they wanted to hire internally or find someone new so she said she'd find that out and call me back. Turns out she still wants to hire me and thinks I'd have more fun in whatever position is opening.

I'm nervous as all get out. I'm afraid of her calling tomorrow and saying I've got the job for sure. You'd think I'd be more worried about her not calling, or calling to let me know she doesn't have a place for me. I'm so terrified that I would even back down from the job, decline when she says I'm hired, I'm not stupid enough to do that, but it's been a thought in the back of my mind.

Now, she might not call tomorrow cause she's not sure how soon they're looking to fill the spot, it could be the next day, it could be a few days after that.

Why the fuck am I so scared? Time to stop thinking about it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been really hot here the last few days, was about 90 degrees F at around 5/6pm yesterday. This is a tad odd for us here because August is usually when we experience our hot weather. I've been dying from the heat, but at the same time I'm loving it. Although, my mom's house, which is almost always too cold, is holding so much heat. We've got every window open and a few fans running. This is definitely hot to us western Washington folk, and I'm going to make it a point to acknowledge the fact that I know it's hotter in quite a few other states as well. Sleeping's been harder to do with this heat cause I have to sleep with covers on or I feel naked in a way. Just a sheet over me will not do it, there has to be something I can feel, something heavy-like.

Went swimming yesterday and today and both times we didn't go until the evening which around here would be a stupid thing to do cause it would be cold and pointless but, the water's been great. I started swimming lessons at the age of 3 so I like to think I can swim decently. Over the years though I've given myself a bit of a fear of water, the idea of something grabbing me and pulling me under...all that jazz (hehe, I used to panic about climbing out of the pool, afraid some invisible thing was going to grab my feet as I climbed out. I imagine that anyone who saw me climbing out in a panicked rush got quite a show), not to mention my ears have pressure issues or did anyway whenever I tried to touch the bottom of the 12 foot pool. Well today I tried to get below the surface of the water and swim as far as I could on the one breath. Usually that kind of thing terrifies me, especially in murky lake water, but today I did well. Found out my lung capacity blows massively and that I'm so not in shape. I need more endurance.

Enough with the boring time to sleep I think.

WARNING: long blog ahead

I'm convinced that whoever thought up yard work was really bored at the time. I spent nearly 3 hours raking grass at my dad's house yesterday so I had tons of thinking time even in my exhausted state. It's so goddamn repetitive. The breakdown: Someone cuts the grass, rakes it into a pile (or whatever else) sometimes having to rake it to one spot in order to rake it to another, the grass grows, the grass gets cut, the grass gets raked...WTF!!!?? Even though it's a very redundant task...it's the kind of thing I enjoy doing, at first, or if anything just every so often.

I'm plaguing myself with doubts of how the future is going to turn out. I listen intently to songs and there are things sung that seem so...good...and I get to thinking that what I'm hearing is everyday stuff that I could write. Just tonight I came up with something good but I can make nothing of it, can't take it any further. I tend to write these ideas down more often than not, but they just sit there awaiting completion, an ending that may never come and I can't stand that. I realize there are going to be times where something just can't be finished, but when it becomes a constant...what do I do then? Resign myself to the idea that I won't write anything worthy of my approval ever again?

There are several reasons I feel explain why I haven't really blogged in awhile. One of the ideas is that I'm afraid to say what I might have to say. Worried that people will read and take undue offense, but at the same time, the idea of sharing myself with anyone (through blog form) appeals to me.

Another idea is that I can't even form a single thought. That maybe I really don't have anything worth saying, nothing intellectual, no great insight into anything, much less myself.

I love doing things or saying things or wearing things that have people saying, "you're so cute!" or "you're so adorable!" I mean that in the least egotistical way...I'm going to attempt to explain. I'd much rather hear that I'm adorable as opposed to "you're hot". I'm not comfortable with people saying I'm hot, or I'm beautiful...of course now it sounds as if I hear that all the time...but seriously, and I'm sure those who know me get what I'm saying, on the rare occasions that someone's said that about me...it honestly doesn't feel like a compliment. I really don't know how to make this clear. I feel special and loved and all warm fuzzy when I hear "you're adorable." But when I hear "you're beautiful" it just doesn't feel as if it applies to me...maybe that's it...maybe I feel like they're lying, or that they're saying it cause they feel they have to because in my head I don't feel beautiful... See, there it was, one of my intellectual moments I suppose... I don't like hearing that I'm beautiful because I don't feel like I am. Although now I'm stuck because I don't feel that I'm adorable either, I just feel...here...normal...plain... I have no idea.

I don't entertain grand ideas for too long because I've been disappointed and it's easier to plan for the negative than the positive.

I told someone today that they should lower their standards in a soulmate. Why the hell would I say that??? You should never have to lower your standards, should never feel that you have to. You should always, always strive for what you want...but in the back of my head I'm saying, "strive for what you want but be prepared for disappointment" or in the case of the "lower your standards" conversation...I'm thinking, "prepare to never find the one person who's meant for you".

Too often tonight I said things that had me feeling like a stupid fool of a person...it only struck me because that's not how our dynamic usually works.

Wow, omg, just realized something (apparently my ability to over analyze hasn't fully disappeared). I've come into another group where there was a strong bond between two people, and unintentionally turned the duo into a trio...and torn it all to shreds...or caused it all to crumble at least...fuck me.

Okay, now I've made my head hurt, time to do something simpler.

I'm 24 and I still have a blankie (though no, I don't always call it a blankie, I am more mature than that, most times). I'm convinced that it has something to do with me being a child, grandchild and who knows how much further back, of an addict. Or maybe it's a stability, comfort kind of thing.

I believe in God but I'm not religious. I grew up going to a Catholic church (most of the time forced, what kid wants to sit in church?), was baptized Catholic... There was also a time in my life when my mom became a Mormon and so I was around that religion a bit, was actually forced into attending the LDS (Latter Day Saints...technical name for the mormons...I think) church, was also forced to participate in a family prayer every night before going to bed (forced by my then step-father) if I fought it I was threatened with being grounded.

Punishments I've endured: soap in the mouth, even up until middle school age, my bedroom door has been taken off (middle school and high school age), phone privileges taken away, restricted to a certain time limit, removed from my room...

I don't believe in forcing religion on anyone, informing them about it if they want to hear is always a good idea, in my opinion, but religion by force just doesn't bode well. Discriminating people because of their religion is such a ludicrous idea. I believe in God, if you do too, that's cool, if you don't that's cool too. I'm not even meaning that in a "hey if you don't believe that's fine, but when you wind up damned to hell, don't blame me" kind of way, it's just a simple, "fine, you don't believe, let's move on." Bashing my religion or my beliefs just because you don't believe the same is beyond uncalled for, it's offensive to me. Note: that's not directed at you at all, because we've discussed this, I know better.

I often scare myself with the thought of "what if so and so dies?" but only with people who I consider close to me. I've determined that if my brother (who is younger) were to die I'd be beyond devastated, I think there are at least three other people (my friends) who are very nearly in that category.

I'm usually a neat freak. Sometimes a chaotic room puts me in panic attack mode and just overwhelms me. There are so many places I'd love to clean or organize but part of me worries it would offend when I want to do it just because, not I want to do it because I think someone is a slob. I used to clean my brother's room, my cousins's rooms, used to do a thorough organization of C and C's (the kids I used to "nanny" for) rooms all the time. I get that from my dad...though I'll admit I'm also a slight pack rat which I get from my mom who's far more than a slight pack rat.

When I'm asleep I don't want to wake up, when I'm awake I don't want to go to sleep.

I can ride a bike, two wheels no less...which is probably implied since "bike" is a shortened form of "bicycle" which obviously means two wheels.

I can whistle.

I played softball in the 4th grade in a city league. Centerfield more than anything. Was put in as catcher once...that really didn't work out. I've also played short-stop but only for one part of one game. I was a benchwarmer and I was harassed about this at school.

I ran track in 7th and 8th grade...I wasn't very good. The hardest thing I ran was the 400m. In the 8th grade breathing while I was exerted seemed to become difficult. I think I might have some type of asthma but the doctors I saw later in life found no asthma. I still love the idea of running, especially great distances, but whenever I try to make it a reality I wind up feeling near death within five minutes.

I started TaeKwonDo the summer before my senior year of high school. On our belt ranking system I am (or was) a low-red belt. {System goes as follows, lowest to highest: White, Low-Yellow, Yellow (or High-yellow), Low-Green, Green, Low-Blue, Blue, Low-Red, Red, Recommended Black Belt, 1st Degree Black Belt...and so on} While doing a warm-up I did a kick and landed wrong causing me to sprain my ankle which caused me to be unable to train for awhile... When I first started TKD I made a decision that it was going to be something I followed through with, after I sprained my ankle and couldn't train for a bit I found it hard to get back into the routine of it all and eventually started taking "breaks" more often. A few problems arose and now I no longer train at all.

While training in TKD I learned some ju-jitsu...grappling (not sure if they're meant to be one in the same or not). I wasn't much for learning actual moves I much preferred just going at it and doing whatever I could not to be the one submitting. I used to be rather wiley (sp?) and monkey like. (no, none of that was meant in a sexual way as I'm sure it could appear.)

I hate being hurt, but more than anything I hate knowing I've caused anyone to hurt, offended anyone...even if they're my enemy or anything close to an enemy. I want too much to please everyone and make everyone happy. I'm afraid to commit to certain things because I worry that I'll get to a point where I want to back out but will be too chicken to do so, even when I know it's necessary.

I suppose that's enough for now? I could probably go on and on, surprisingly. Could just make this a "to be continued" sort of thing...whatever.

I think I'm in a bad frame of mind, and it's slipping lower. I want to be rescued. I think my existance is pointless. I feel that the people around me are disappointed in me, or that I will eventually disappoint them - I think they're all better off without me and should run in the opposite direction of me.