New poem, just a click away
Monday, March 27, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
My phantom limb is haunting me
I'm having one of those flashback sort of moments. The moments where something from your past comes back and fucks you up. One of those things that took you ages to get over, whether someone important to you has died or something detramental to your well being occurs. It happens, it fucks you up, you move past it and basically go into a sort of remission if you will. But in most cases you're not in "remission" for very long. Memories come flooding back complete with all of the old emotions. That's where I am now, in the flood and out of "remission". Sure, it's getting easier, the time between "remission" and "flashback" is becoming longer and longer.
For the longest time this very same thing happened to me after my grandpa died, but now, it doesn't sting at all, it's more like a gentle tap on your shoulder, just there to remind me.
At the moment I'm remembering the people and the place I called home for almost six years, the people and the place that I walked away from seven months ago. I'm missing certain things and sometimes there are moments where I feel as though the last five years didn't happen to me. It tears me apart because even though I know it wasn't a healthy situation for me, I miss the security, I miss being around people almost 24 hours a day for five years. Where I used to live, everything was so open. I had no use for a room to run and hide in unless things went shitty. To be honest and fair, I'm pretty sure there were more good times than bad, but we all seem to focus on and remember the bad times more. I feel bad for hurting anyone, looking back, I don't like all of who I used to be and who I was in the process of becoming.
Right now I'm home alone, which is something I despised when I was in my teens and living here at home with my mom. I used to get scared, and not in that "uh oh, I'm home alone something could happen to me" sort of way; I was afraid of myself. I'd cry, I'd listen to music as loud as I could, and the worst part, I'd punch the walls, the door, even the carpeted floor; anything that would hurt. At those times I couldn't feel enough of the pain to make me stop right away but the next day my knuckles would be swollen, cut and more often than not, I wouldn't be able to move my hand without pain. (And this just occured to me, so now I feel stupid, but I suppose feeling the physical pain helped me to not feel the emotional pain...exactly like cutters, 'least I suppose it is.)
Being surrounded by people prevented me from being alone, prevented me from doing that sort of damage to myself. I had no reason to hit anything unless it was in TaeKwonDo or when I was angry. But gradually my mood began to change. I allowed my temper to get the best of me and there were quite a few times when I'd lash out at anyone and everyone. I was even becoming a massive control freak. Now that I'm back to living at my mom's house and most of my time is spent alone, I don't get angered by much any longer, my temper doesn't seem to exist, save a few encounters with my brother and a bad experience in a Wal-Mart parking lot. It's as though I'm barely existing. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum now...apparently I haven't found a middle ground yet. But I'd rather be docile and numb than angry all the time.
I learned a lot of things about myself these past seven months. I up and walked away from the place and people I considered home. It's not even that, it's that I was too cowardly to make the decision on my own and without any circumstances to blame. I hurt people, they had hurt me too, but I'm smarter than I was and just because they hurt me doesn't mean it's okay that I hurt them back. I walked away from everything that I considered to be my life. My jobs, my dogs, where I lived, and who I spent time with, it just...I...ugh, everything changed. I lived with my best friend, her husband, and their two kids. J was like a sister to me, she was my best friend, now she's the only one I talk to from that part of my past, and even then, we barely ever talk. I'm okay with that, and it's all my doing, that's not just me trying to take all the blame. The ball's in my court but I'm just letting it sit there and gradually deflate. I don't understand that about me. She was so important to me, that whole family was, but I won't make the effort to keep our friendship alive. Perhaps I'm just a coward, or maybe it's because we have almost nothing in common anymore, but I'm banking on it being more about the memories that will get stirred up.
I had moved out once before, but wound up going back every day until finally I moved back in. This time I did my best not to allow that to happen. J invited me to stay and watch a movie, I passed on it, she said that's the instant she knew we weren't going to be friends as we used to be. It killed me inside to say "no", it kills me now to think of what that did to her. A few weeks ago she told me she missed watching movies with me and instead of suggesting we do it some time, I just gave a simple answer of "yeah" with a possible "me too" in there, though I doubt I said the latter as it would leave too much room for her to suggest we do it. I'm distancing myself because I'm afraid of hurting her.
The chest pain has set in, my eyes are burning, and if you managed to read all of this without confusion or at least too much confusion then I commend you and appreciate you filling your head with my nothingness.
For the longest time this very same thing happened to me after my grandpa died, but now, it doesn't sting at all, it's more like a gentle tap on your shoulder, just there to remind me.
At the moment I'm remembering the people and the place I called home for almost six years, the people and the place that I walked away from seven months ago. I'm missing certain things and sometimes there are moments where I feel as though the last five years didn't happen to me. It tears me apart because even though I know it wasn't a healthy situation for me, I miss the security, I miss being around people almost 24 hours a day for five years. Where I used to live, everything was so open. I had no use for a room to run and hide in unless things went shitty. To be honest and fair, I'm pretty sure there were more good times than bad, but we all seem to focus on and remember the bad times more. I feel bad for hurting anyone, looking back, I don't like all of who I used to be and who I was in the process of becoming.
Right now I'm home alone, which is something I despised when I was in my teens and living here at home with my mom. I used to get scared, and not in that "uh oh, I'm home alone something could happen to me" sort of way; I was afraid of myself. I'd cry, I'd listen to music as loud as I could, and the worst part, I'd punch the walls, the door, even the carpeted floor; anything that would hurt. At those times I couldn't feel enough of the pain to make me stop right away but the next day my knuckles would be swollen, cut and more often than not, I wouldn't be able to move my hand without pain. (And this just occured to me, so now I feel stupid, but I suppose feeling the physical pain helped me to not feel the emotional pain...exactly like cutters, 'least I suppose it is.)
Being surrounded by people prevented me from being alone, prevented me from doing that sort of damage to myself. I had no reason to hit anything unless it was in TaeKwonDo or when I was angry. But gradually my mood began to change. I allowed my temper to get the best of me and there were quite a few times when I'd lash out at anyone and everyone. I was even becoming a massive control freak. Now that I'm back to living at my mom's house and most of my time is spent alone, I don't get angered by much any longer, my temper doesn't seem to exist, save a few encounters with my brother and a bad experience in a Wal-Mart parking lot. It's as though I'm barely existing. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum now...apparently I haven't found a middle ground yet. But I'd rather be docile and numb than angry all the time.
I learned a lot of things about myself these past seven months. I up and walked away from the place and people I considered home. It's not even that, it's that I was too cowardly to make the decision on my own and without any circumstances to blame. I hurt people, they had hurt me too, but I'm smarter than I was and just because they hurt me doesn't mean it's okay that I hurt them back. I walked away from everything that I considered to be my life. My jobs, my dogs, where I lived, and who I spent time with, it just...I...ugh, everything changed. I lived with my best friend, her husband, and their two kids. J was like a sister to me, she was my best friend, now she's the only one I talk to from that part of my past, and even then, we barely ever talk. I'm okay with that, and it's all my doing, that's not just me trying to take all the blame. The ball's in my court but I'm just letting it sit there and gradually deflate. I don't understand that about me. She was so important to me, that whole family was, but I won't make the effort to keep our friendship alive. Perhaps I'm just a coward, or maybe it's because we have almost nothing in common anymore, but I'm banking on it being more about the memories that will get stirred up.
I had moved out once before, but wound up going back every day until finally I moved back in. This time I did my best not to allow that to happen. J invited me to stay and watch a movie, I passed on it, she said that's the instant she knew we weren't going to be friends as we used to be. It killed me inside to say "no", it kills me now to think of what that did to her. A few weeks ago she told me she missed watching movies with me and instead of suggesting we do it some time, I just gave a simple answer of "yeah" with a possible "me too" in there, though I doubt I said the latter as it would leave too much room for her to suggest we do it. I'm distancing myself because I'm afraid of hurting her.
The chest pain has set in, my eyes are burning, and if you managed to read all of this without confusion or at least too much confusion then I commend you and appreciate you filling your head with my nothingness.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Back from Anaheim...just not back from Cali
Well, about an hour ago we arrived back at my grandfather's. Our trip to Anaheim had us leaving the house at about 6:40am on Tuesday morning (got up at 6am, after only about 2-3 hours sleep) and after our arrival at our hotel, we went directly to Disneyland. Still fucking awesome, definitely magical, just not as magical as when I was a kid. Pirates of the Carribean was closed.
Last time I was at Disneyland Pirates was closed as well, and it's one of my favorite rides, assholes! Space Mountain was redone recently, I think last year, but no matter what, it still remains my FAVORITE ride at Disneyland. But we only went on it twice. Got to play third wheel to my brother and his girlfriend, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but don't get me wrong, it still sucked. The weather wasn't the greatest, it felt like home a lot of the time, so needless to say, I was freezing my ass off most of the day and all of the night. We left the park at 10pm something, bit of a walk back to our hotel, and we all crashed around 11pm. Sore feet, sore backs, and sore knees (thank God for the extra pillow on my bed! my knees were greatful!).
Wednesday we got to sleep in cause California adventure didn't open until 10am. This was the first time for every single one of us (right, like it was the three of us, I make it sound as if there were quite a few in our group) at this relatively new park. My brother's girlfriend had only been to Disneyland when she was 6 and 8, Ryan (my brother) and I used to go every summer when we were kids and the last time we went I was in high school. Tower of Terror was pretty awesome, but the best ride at California Adventure was definitely California Screamin', we went on that roller coaster 4 times, the last run, I got to sit in the very front row, I tell ya, the front is almost always the best. Today the sun was shining the whole time, we all came prepared for cold weather but of course this would be the day we didn't need to be. Ryan and I both got sun burnt, both of our necks, his arms, my face, but now I can prove I'm not always soooooo white. We met up with a friend of ours from Washington, our dad told us he (the old friend of ours) was going to be in Disneyland and California Adventure when we'd be there as well so we called him up and my brother and I went on one ride with him today, was fun. Ugh, but now I'm exhausted and burning up, so I think I'm going to attempt sleep now. Great to be back, well sort of back, I want to be home, but that won't happen until Friday.
Peace out!
Last time I was at Disneyland Pirates was closed as well, and it's one of my favorite rides, assholes! Space Mountain was redone recently, I think last year, but no matter what, it still remains my FAVORITE ride at Disneyland. But we only went on it twice. Got to play third wheel to my brother and his girlfriend, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but don't get me wrong, it still sucked. The weather wasn't the greatest, it felt like home a lot of the time, so needless to say, I was freezing my ass off most of the day and all of the night. We left the park at 10pm something, bit of a walk back to our hotel, and we all crashed around 11pm. Sore feet, sore backs, and sore knees (thank God for the extra pillow on my bed! my knees were greatful!).
Wednesday we got to sleep in cause California adventure didn't open until 10am. This was the first time for every single one of us (right, like it was the three of us, I make it sound as if there were quite a few in our group) at this relatively new park. My brother's girlfriend had only been to Disneyland when she was 6 and 8, Ryan (my brother) and I used to go every summer when we were kids and the last time we went I was in high school. Tower of Terror was pretty awesome, but the best ride at California Adventure was definitely California Screamin', we went on that roller coaster 4 times, the last run, I got to sit in the very front row, I tell ya, the front is almost always the best. Today the sun was shining the whole time, we all came prepared for cold weather but of course this would be the day we didn't need to be. Ryan and I both got sun burnt, both of our necks, his arms, my face, but now I can prove I'm not always soooooo white. We met up with a friend of ours from Washington, our dad told us he (the old friend of ours) was going to be in Disneyland and California Adventure when we'd be there as well so we called him up and my brother and I went on one ride with him today, was fun. Ugh, but now I'm exhausted and burning up, so I think I'm going to attempt sleep now. Great to be back, well sort of back, I want to be home, but that won't happen until Friday.
Peace out!
Monday, March 20, 2006
Okay, I got a bit bored and a bit obsessed with taking my own picture, but I figure it's a good thing cause I usually despise any picture of myself. Just took these today.
Shock...
Anger...
Smile with glasses...
Smile with tongue and glasses...
Smile...
Tongue with attitude...
Smile again...(smiles are rare occurances)
Punk...(least Stephanie says it is)...FINE, "KINDA punk"
Shock...
Anger...
Smile with glasses...
Smile with tongue and glasses...
Smile...
Tongue with attitude...
Smile again...(smiles are rare occurances)
Punk...(least Stephanie says it is)...FINE, "KINDA punk"
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Green Day corner...a little slice of home
I'm still on vacation...just messing around with some pics cause I managed an internet connection. I miss my home, and by "home" I mean McKenzie's house :P
Thursday, March 16, 2006
I'm leaving on a jet plane...
...but I do know when I'll be back again...the 24th...
Tomorrow my trip officially begins at about 11am tomorrow morning when I drive the 3hours (give or take) to my brother's college to meet up with him and his girlfriend...then we'll be shuttled to the airport and on our way to San Diego (California for those of you who have no clue...hope there are none of those type of people :P teasing)...with a layover in LAX (I despise layovers). I'm nervous about going, not sure why. Minus the morbid thought of "if our plane goes down, my parents will lose both of their kids in one go..." I have no reason to be nervous. We're staying with my grandpa in Santee (really close to San Diego) and plan on making a trip to Disneyland, haven't been there in ages and I so can't wait for that part of our trip. Gone for a whole week...this is going to be odd...I already miss my friends and I'm praying my cellphone works there or I'll be pissed just cause I rushed to get it before the trip so that I'd have it for the trip...
Take care everyone, I will be back soon...
Tomorrow my trip officially begins at about 11am tomorrow morning when I drive the 3hours (give or take) to my brother's college to meet up with him and his girlfriend...then we'll be shuttled to the airport and on our way to San Diego (California for those of you who have no clue...hope there are none of those type of people :P teasing)...with a layover in LAX (I despise layovers). I'm nervous about going, not sure why. Minus the morbid thought of "if our plane goes down, my parents will lose both of their kids in one go..." I have no reason to be nervous. We're staying with my grandpa in Santee (really close to San Diego) and plan on making a trip to Disneyland, haven't been there in ages and I so can't wait for that part of our trip. Gone for a whole week...this is going to be odd...I already miss my friends and I'm praying my cellphone works there or I'll be pissed just cause I rushed to get it before the trip so that I'd have it for the trip...
Take care everyone, I will be back soon...
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
I wish there were someone.
And that I don't have to be alone at night.
It's sad when you can feel and know that everyone, including your younger brother is disappointed in you.
I can't stop thinking, just can't turn it off.
I can't get over the feeling that I'm running out of time.
I'm not crying for help, I'm just saying what I feel to anyone who cares to read.
And that I don't have to be alone at night.
It's sad when you can feel and know that everyone, including your younger brother is disappointed in you.
I can't stop thinking, just can't turn it off.
I can't get over the feeling that I'm running out of time.
I'm not crying for help, I'm just saying what I feel to anyone who cares to read.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I miss not giving a fuck. Remember when it all didn't matter? Melancholy is the word to define my existence at this moment. I don't want that word to remind you of a Smashing Pumpkins album because the band is trivial in comparison to melancholy. All I feel right now are the tears tingling behind my eyes. Adults don't handle anything better than a child does. At least children express how they're feeling right when they feel it, at least until adults tell them that's not how to act. We've lost ourselves in rules and must haves and things...all I want are people, all I want is fun and love...I don't know what's going on...
I'll leave you with some lyrics to a song I just discovered...not quite sure what the appeal is at the moment...does it matter? should it matter?
"When they call your name
Will you walk right up?
With a smile on your face?
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter?
I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?
You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
I wish I could"
Ryan Adams - Come Pick Me Up...it was in the movie Elizabethtown.
I'll leave you with some lyrics to a song I just discovered...not quite sure what the appeal is at the moment...does it matter? should it matter?
"When they call your name
Will you walk right up?
With a smile on your face?
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter?
I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?
You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
I wish I could"
Ryan Adams - Come Pick Me Up...it was in the movie Elizabethtown.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Okay, I realize that link in my previous post no longer works...stupid NBC...but I did find another link to it so hopefully it works when you're looking for it....
Monday, March 06, 2006
Something funny...
Just wanted to share this highly entertaining clip with everyone. Now, I'm sure there are some people out there who won't find it funny, but humor me. I find it gets better each time I watch/listen to it. Tips on watching the video: pause it so that it has time to load all the say, otherwise you're not going to be able to watch it all the way through, and above all, enjoy!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Stole this and this from Stephanie's blog as it seems she stole it from Verity's blog...
and some more stolen ideas from Steph's blog. I can't get over how fitting the "song" one is, aside from the "breezed through 2005 bit" it's surprisingly accurate...:
Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz
and some more stolen ideas from Steph's blog. I can't get over how fitting the "song" one is, aside from the "breezed through 2005 bit" it's surprisingly accurate...:
| Your 2005 Song Is |
 Beverly Hills by Weezer "My automobile is a piece of crap My fashion sense is a little whack And my friends are just as screwy as me" You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style! |
| Greed: | Medium | |
| Gluttony: | Medium | |
| Wrath: | Medium | |
| Sloth: | Very High | |
| Envy: | Low | |
| Lust: | Medium | |
| Pride: | Very Low |
Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I need somewhere to go. I'm feeling anxious, like if I had somewhere to go, I'd jump in my car and go there. Maybe if my mom wasn't home I'd go for a run. I feel like bawling, like laying in the dark with music blaring, singing along, crying, screaming, beating the shit out of the walls with my fists. I picture myself walking around in the dark, alone. I was watching TV earlier had the lights on and was laying in bed. Had to turn all of that off and put on a dvd to calm myself in some way. I feel tired but unable to sleep. I need to belong somewhere. It's eating me alive.
Monday, February 27, 2006
I miss you.
From left to right: My grandma, technically, I miss her, not the her who's not really there, my mom holding me, and my grandpa.
It occured to me upon seeing what the date was that it's been twelve years since my grandpa passed away. I'm over it in the sense that I don't fall to pieces every time I think of him. Years ago I'd be out of it for months on end just over the loss of him. I miss him tons, especially now with what's going on with my grandma but I'm okay.
My cousins, brother, and I used to help him feed the animals on the farm everyday that we were out at my grandparents. I was his buddy for the longest time, it was great, something to be cherished, but unfortunately something I'm gradually forgetting.
I worry that I'm not something for him to be proud of. I never got to know him in the grown up way. Never learned what he expected of people, hell of his kids and grandkids. Of course after having five daughters what could his standards possibly be? I know guys aren't always clear about how they feel, and I know that even my paternal grandfather who is still alive is stubborn but now very clear on how he feels about his only grandchildren (myself and my brother), but both of my maternal grandparents aren't that clear. I'm pretty sure, and would like to believe, that he cherished us. He taught us a lot of things that might never come in handy, after all, how much can you teach a child that's going to stay with them forever? I know, there are life lessons and such but those aren't all of what I'm refering to.
The very last time I spoke with him, he had called to see if we needed anything from the store, I told him that we didn't and said goodbye. It never occurs to you that that's going to be the last time you speak with someone, that that's going to be your last goodbye. And it certainly doesn't occur to a twelve year old child who's never actually lost anyone aside from a divorce between her parents. Looking back, it seems odd that he called to ask us that, I mean as far as I know, he never did that. Eh, for all I know he did do that for us, I was just never the one to answer the phone.
Regardless, I'm doing okay, just so long as I don't look at too many pictures and think on it for too long. I hope my grandma has no clue of what day it is, of course I wonder how many people in my family will actually remember.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
I miss things
Sleepovers are fun, I don't care how old I get, I think I will always enjoy a good sleepover.
Childish things keep me grounded and sane.
Music, all the time, I want music.
Friends
Love
Warm kisses
I want to get back into shape, I want to spend all my free time with friends, I'm not sure it's possible and I'm not sure if they'd tolerate me that often.
Childish things keep me grounded and sane.
Music, all the time, I want music.
Friends
Love
Warm kisses
I want to get back into shape, I want to spend all my free time with friends, I'm not sure it's possible and I'm not sure if they'd tolerate me that often.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Free at last, at least physically
I’m angry. Angry with how life goes, angry with growing old, angry with realizations, and angry with responsibility. I’m the one with no job and nothing to do all day so I was dubbed as the best choice for “babysitting” my grandma. Now that I’ve watched her for just these few days, I’m linked. Linked to the worry, linked to pain and frustration, linked to the loss. It hurt so badly when I lost my grandfather that I’ve distanced myself from the potential loss of my grandmother. Well that’s all gone awry. I find myself thinking all the caregivers are going to run away, I mean my grandmother has been rather, well, bitchy lately and it’s not how I remember her being, ever. I’m being paid to do this, and being paid well, but that’s the least of my worries, though my mother and one of my aunts keeps telling me to “think of the money.” I can’t do that. All I can think of is the emotional trauma I feel like I’m being put through. I can’t abandon her, my friends, with my benefit in mind, curse my family, as I’ll admit I did as well. But it’s no more their fault than my grandmothers. Sure, I wish I hadn’t been the one watching her these last few days, but in a way, it is my duty. It is my belief that this duty rests firstly on my mother and her four sisters (though I would never, ever trust my youngest aunt with the duty of taking care of my grandmother). I am the eldest of five grandchildren and a few months ago I was given the task of sitting with my grandmother during the day for about a week and for some reason when she was asked by a psychologist what my she was looking for in a caregiver, my grandmother replied with, “Megan.” Go me, oh yay… Just those few hours a day wore me out, had me going to bed early when I really didn’t have much to do all day to watch her. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like for me when I can finally go home after watching her for 24 hours a day for a few days. I have had a few emotional breakdowns and I know my arms should be sore. I’ve had to support my grandmother’s weight a few times daily and my arms wind up all shaky but no soreness yet. She knows she’s losing her memory, state the fact herself, and most times she confuses things she’s seen and done in the past with what’s going on now. She continues to argue daily that someone is trying to or has cut down the apple trees in the front yard, at one point she even said, “I hope they fall off the ladder,” and when I’ve told her no one is doing any such thing she tells me that she can show me the saw dust, which is really impossible as she hasn’t been out of the house except for when I’ve wheeled her to and from the car. She keeps rearranging things on the table where she sits and on the makeshift table next to her recliner, just constant, unnecessary rearranging. It’s all killing me inside, in my head I keep begging for my grandmother to come back to me, but now that I’ve been watching her, I don’t remember what she used to be like, I can’t see the slightest glimpse of her. She pretty much can’t walk, she was in better shape physically before she went to California, but we’re guessing my aunt who lives down there didn’t make her walk, and when she gets overwhelmed she doesn’t seem to be able to think clearly. I’m losing my patience and my mind. 8 o’clock isn’t coming fast enough. I need to leave; I need to escape what my grandma cannot.
To my friends: Spending what little time I had with you on Sunday was a greater help then you might realize. Regardless of the fact that I was near tears and probably rather depressing, the two of you provided a shelter of sorts, a place where I could physically show how I was feeling. I can only hope I didn’t do wrong by you in acting the way I did. Thanks you two, I love you guys, and yes, you’re still the voices in my head.
I'm finally home now and trying to get the words "do not resucitate" out of my head...
To my friends: Spending what little time I had with you on Sunday was a greater help then you might realize. Regardless of the fact that I was near tears and probably rather depressing, the two of you provided a shelter of sorts, a place where I could physically show how I was feeling. I can only hope I didn’t do wrong by you in acting the way I did. Thanks you two, I love you guys, and yes, you’re still the voices in my head.
I'm finally home now and trying to get the words "do not resucitate" out of my head...
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Something I need to survive...
~Touch~
Much like a child needs it. I like my hair "played" with. Just fingers run through it I suppose. I get weak for this, just instantaneously relax. Maybe because it's been awhile since I've had something like that, dunno. Same with my face. Just to have someone's hand gently hold my face I melt.
My mom used to lightly scratch my back when I was a baby, that's how she'd get me to go to sleep. And when I was a bit older she used to just scratch it for me and there I'd go, relaxed.
In a way, I'm a cuddler. I loved to cuddle up to someone's back, to press my forehead or face up to someone's back, scrunch up low enough of course. Something reassuring about it. Much the way some people feel secure being held, I mean even I do, but for me, pressing up against someone's back is security to me. Doesn't make sense I suppose.
Just a simple thing. Babies develop faster and better with touch, but I don't think it ends there. Even in "Live as a House" Kevin Kline's character hadn't been touched in a very long time (perverts can stop reading now because I wasn't referring to any dirty type of touch). A nurse touches his face and you can just see how he's missed it and needed it. We still need it so that we can be healthy, it's my belief. That's my odd little rant out of nowhere.
~Touch~
Much like a child needs it. I like my hair "played" with. Just fingers run through it I suppose. I get weak for this, just instantaneously relax. Maybe because it's been awhile since I've had something like that, dunno. Same with my face. Just to have someone's hand gently hold my face I melt.
My mom used to lightly scratch my back when I was a baby, that's how she'd get me to go to sleep. And when I was a bit older she used to just scratch it for me and there I'd go, relaxed.
In a way, I'm a cuddler. I loved to cuddle up to someone's back, to press my forehead or face up to someone's back, scrunch up low enough of course. Something reassuring about it. Much the way some people feel secure being held, I mean even I do, but for me, pressing up against someone's back is security to me. Doesn't make sense I suppose.
Just a simple thing. Babies develop faster and better with touch, but I don't think it ends there. Even in "Live as a House" Kevin Kline's character hadn't been touched in a very long time (perverts can stop reading now because I wasn't referring to any dirty type of touch). A nurse touches his face and you can just see how he's missed it and needed it. We still need it so that we can be healthy, it's my belief. That's my odd little rant out of nowhere.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Valentine's Day.
So, it hailed tonight/this morning. And like a giddy little girl I ran outside on our back porch every time I heard it kick up. On my face was plastered what I like to hope is a very cute little grin. I took my hat outside to catch hail. A lot of it bounced out but I couldn't stop grinning. Then it would start to hail a whole lot harder and I'd run back inside or under cover. I made a few hail-men, so not as much fun as snow-men, but easier.
Here on the west coast I've been 24 for two whole hours now. My mom gave me Valentino here so soft and so cute.
Lunch with my dad later today, an annual tradition, usually it's a dinner, but we bumped it up a bit. No other plans, heck I don't even know if there's going to be a cake *shrug* I suppose that's how it goes. I just want to feel special for crying out loud...you know what I mean?
At the moment I'm quite content, surprisingly. I don't really despise Valentine's day, I just wish I had someone special in general. Sure it could be viewed as just some stupid day that was thought up to sell more junk. But even though I'm not too thrilled with the day, it's just a special day to show that someone special that you're thinking about them even more. Or a day to chase down that someone you've been stalking and say, "hey, be mine!" just kidding of course, I don't condone stalking... I dunno, I believe as Luisa does that you should say it every day, that you don't need Valentine's day for that, but at the same time, it's a special day, show it some more. Show it with everything you've got. I don't need a lot. I'm not in need of fancy jewelry, I'm simple. I just want love. I want to see it, feel it, have it, give it. Don't get me wrong, jewelry is pretty, I love my simple little diamond earrings my mom gave me and on occasion wear a necklace. But those stupid adds for jewelry 'show her with this' kind of crap. You don't need jewelry to show someone you love them. To me, that's not what it takes. Cute little stuffed animals are great too, but a cute guy to cuddle up to is tons better!
Ah, I guess that's all for now.
"Pretend you love me for an hour/to end the worst of all my days/nurse my wounds and ease my crying..."
"However far away, I will always love you/However long I stay, I will always love you/Whatever words I say, I will always love you/I will always love you"
"I need love, love's divine/please forgive me now I see that I've been blind/give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name"
"Faint light of dawn/I'm listening to you breathing in and out/Needing nothing/You're honey dipped/You are beautiful, floating clouds, soft world..."
And I could so go on...and might...some other time...*sigh*
Here on the west coast I've been 24 for two whole hours now. My mom gave me Valentino here so soft and so cute.
Lunch with my dad later today, an annual tradition, usually it's a dinner, but we bumped it up a bit. No other plans, heck I don't even know if there's going to be a cake *shrug* I suppose that's how it goes. I just want to feel special for crying out loud...you know what I mean?
At the moment I'm quite content, surprisingly. I don't really despise Valentine's day, I just wish I had someone special in general. Sure it could be viewed as just some stupid day that was thought up to sell more junk. But even though I'm not too thrilled with the day, it's just a special day to show that someone special that you're thinking about them even more. Or a day to chase down that someone you've been stalking and say, "hey, be mine!" just kidding of course, I don't condone stalking... I dunno, I believe as Luisa does that you should say it every day, that you don't need Valentine's day for that, but at the same time, it's a special day, show it some more. Show it with everything you've got. I don't need a lot. I'm not in need of fancy jewelry, I'm simple. I just want love. I want to see it, feel it, have it, give it. Don't get me wrong, jewelry is pretty, I love my simple little diamond earrings my mom gave me and on occasion wear a necklace. But those stupid adds for jewelry 'show her with this' kind of crap. You don't need jewelry to show someone you love them. To me, that's not what it takes. Cute little stuffed animals are great too, but a cute guy to cuddle up to is tons better!
Ah, I guess that's all for now.
"Pretend you love me for an hour/to end the worst of all my days/nurse my wounds and ease my crying..."
"However far away, I will always love you/However long I stay, I will always love you/Whatever words I say, I will always love you/I will always love you"
"I need love, love's divine/please forgive me now I see that I've been blind/give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name"
"Faint light of dawn/I'm listening to you breathing in and out/Needing nothing/You're honey dipped/You are beautiful, floating clouds, soft world..."
And I could so go on...and might...some other time...*sigh*
Thursday, February 09, 2006
5 more days until doomsday...er, my birthday
So, what is in my head right now...my mom's words, "You're almost a quarter of a century old and what do you have to show? I had more to show at that age than you do now." Ok, I know she means well but come on! But she's right, all that I seemed to have achieved is no longer of significance *shrugs*. I'm on a really slow path to nowhere. *Sob* And two of my friends who are a few years younger than I am have dreams of a band, well they're definitely more than dreams, but the point is, there seems to be more hope for things when you're younger (depending on how your life treats you I suppose). And all I can do is sit here and wonder, "what made me this way?" I used to be a hard worker, not a genius or anything but smart enough. Now, now I feel stupid, like my brain has gone to waste. I know what I should do, but I just simply don't. A majority of me is scared shitless to do anything. I'm terrified of getting a job and what I'll have to do to get said job. I'm terrified to go back to school because I have no freaking clue who to talk to, or what I'll have to do. Gah! There has got to be some medical term for what's wrong with me. And what's with that? Now-a-days there's a freaking term for everything! and it's got me seeking something to blame the way I am. I'm not trying to be lazy, I hate the thought. I loved doing anything and everything I could, and now, I feel limited as to what that even means anymore.
I know what I want, but I won't go and get it because I'm scared, that's my life, summed right up for all to see.
And what am I going to do for my birthday? No significant other (as stated in a previous post) least not one who lives near me...not sure where that's going...anyway...no significant other, no job, no school...the bane of my families existence (did I even use that properly?).
*Sigh*, so, how is everyone?
I know what I want, but I won't go and get it because I'm scared, that's my life, summed right up for all to see.
And what am I going to do for my birthday? No significant other (as stated in a previous post) least not one who lives near me...not sure where that's going...anyway...no significant other, no job, no school...the bane of my families existence (did I even use that properly?).
*Sigh*, so, how is everyone?
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