Should I start off with the funny stuff and then just jump my way into the depressing crap? Sure why the hell not...

The other day I was checking my myspace account mail and there was one with the simple subject line of 'hey' from some guy I'd never heard of before. The only text in the mail were the following two words 'wanna fuck?'. This guy is living in the same town as me and is the same age as I am. First thoughts...'sure, why the hell not?' actual response...'you're just asking that cause you're in the same boring assed town as me, aren't you?' or something along those lines.

My brother's home for the weekend, got here Wednesday night and is leaving Sunday at some point. Even though he and I haven't spent a whole lot of time together I've loved having him around, just knowing he's there I guess.

And now that I'm near tears for no fucking reason we'll just jump on into the other stuff...

I can't stand being alone right now. I don't know if it's the holidays or what, I'm desperate for anything to keep me from feeling alone. Right now my sleep schedule is totally fucked up, perhaps because now I'm playing Warcraft again, but perhaps not. Any time I even feel remotely tired I don't want to go to sleep unless I know for sure that I'm going to just pass out, otherwise there's no fucking way I'll attempt it. Of course once I've been sleeping and I wake up I don't want to be awake, I could almost sleep forever.

I don't like knowing that someone I care about is suffering, especially when I can't do anything about it. Maybe I should rephrase so I don't sound so mean, because of course I want to know when they're hurting if they are...I don't like it when someone I care about is hurting. The other night one of my friends was not in the greatest mood about herself and was crying about it, I felt so helpless in what to do for her. I'll I did was lay there with her and say stupid shit that was getting twisted around by another friend so that I looked like a fool who was just saying insulting things. I couldn't do anything, though I would have done anything in my power.

I feel like shit for being depressed over nothing and being depressed over being alone. All I can think is Christmas is going to suck, can we please get the holidays over with? Oh and not to mention my birthday...goddamn Valentine's Day, sure it's a great day...when you've got a significant other. I just feel like shit, physically and emotionally...mentally even. I'm sorry if I bring anyone down. I miss you, I love you, take care.



This was me, I have no idea what age...it just looks the way I feel, somehow

Existence is futile

Been feeling rather melancholy and just all out sad lately. Wednesday after waking up I felt like I could cry at the drop of a hat, and for no reason. Friend of mine lost someone recently which of course had me thinking and also has me wishing I could do something for her. Something I'm a bit slow to admit...I actually had a conversation with, well, I'm not sure who I was meaning to talk to but it I guess turned out to be a conversation with my ceiling or God even. Death...fuck it, it's devastating and shitty, just fucking shitty. And at the same time I'm still dealing with stupid family shit, though not as much. Haven't written anything lately either, least not since the last poem I posted.

I have a crush on one of my brother's friends, unfortunately this crush of mine has a girlfriend. 'Crush' sounds so childish, but I honestly can't think of another word for it, he's certainly not an obsession seeing as he's a little out of reach.

All I've felt like doing is sleeping all day and of course listening to music. Tears are still too close to falling from my eyes but I don't feel as though I deserve the release. I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry.

STOP LOOKING AT ME, SCHWAN!

Don't get me wrong, being in a good mood is so fucktastically awesome, but being in a good mood, being hyper, alone, blows massive chunks! Attempting to go see H.P. and the G.o.F. two times in one night and having it be sold out both times (:P to you Cody, getting your tickets in advance! and :P to everyone in town who saw it tonight), blows enormous frakin' chunks as frakin' well. Not to toot my own horn or nuthin' but there are a few people, at least one, who would be getting a massive kick out of me at this moment in time, a few who would be getting increasingly aggrevated with me as well, but :P to those few! It's five minutes to midnight, the latest I've stayed up since Monday night...I couldn't go to sleep right now if I tried. McZ and I partied hard...well not really, we were lame for a few hours then rocked it hard, semi-re-living the biggest night of my year thus far, to be specific (I know, finally) --we watched "Bullet in a Bible" -- for those of you thinking, "W-T-Fuck?," that would be Green Day's latest contribution to McZ's Billie Joe fest (did I say fest? I meant obSEXsion)...their DVD! I'm at a loss for words at the moment, expect more............................................oh, right, expect more later.............................right, so you should leave now, mayhaps comment, then return later, duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Okay it's later...


Gah, I'm in such an awesome mood!!! Where is everyone???!!! Apparently not sitting at home beside their computers, duh Megan. Anyway...since I have a miniscule audience at present (apparently I'm hooked on saying 'at present' instead of 'right now') I'm here, preforming for the few of you who will see this later, it's as though what I'm saying now is being recorded on a tape in your VCR so you can 'watch' me later...or Tivo if that's your thing. Man, I'm even using words like 'bizzaro' and 'spectacular' (even turning it into 'spanktacular') and I'm literally 'ha ha-ing', it's insane, especially if you take into account that I'm alone in my room. I seriously need to preserve this mood for later, say perhaps for when I'm in good ole TN visitin' with my peeps in da south. I have no idea what else to say, sorry. SHOUTOUT TO MY PEEPS!!! GET SOME, GET SOME!!!

Will the monotony end?

Well, for the past few days I've been 'baby' sitting my grandmother, mostly an uneventful undertaking, mostly. You know, if you exclude the fact that the Sheriff was called out to the house on Tuesday it was uneventful. After doing practically nothing all day for, God, only three days, I'm going insane. I hate this job, hate it with a passion. I find myself chanting, "I don't want to grow up..." in my head all through this posting. My thumb is sore from shuffling cards as I have been shuffling and dealing for the two of us while playing cribbage. Whether I beat her or she beats me, it just sounds sad. She's 80 years old, it doesn't sound right when I brag about beating her and it sounds pretty pathetic that an elderly woman who has to have a baby sitter beats her granddaughter at any game. UGH!!! I don't ever want to get old, least not like that.

I've been dosing up on Nyquil and passing out round 10/10:30pm and waking up around 6:30am-ish...all I want to do is sleep, and possibly sing...I know Steph wants more of me in that sense...I don't know what to do, this weekend seems rather blah already....

Hat

Okay, as Stephanie requested, Megan in a hat...

Sick and Tired

Well, I'm laying in bed on this nasty Friday afternoon. It's actually hailing at the moment, it's not even that cold outside. It was a tad windy earlier, then there were some light showers...and now it's windy and hailing and my mom is trying to light the barbeque...such an adventure. I'm not feeling so great, just a cold, but it's giving me a headache. Watching re-runs of Third Watch, love this show. Just some random, yet pointless goings on.

Going to have one of my favorite home made meals tonight for dinner...prime rib, mashed potatoes, and yorkshire pudding (love this stuff). Hoping to see a movie tomorrow night with some friends, but I suppose we'll have to wait and see.

I keep spacing out, drugs must be kicking in. Well, excuse me while I go nap and sorry for the pointless ramblings.

Right back at ya biatch!

to my aunt on the far left...i'm the cuteness on the right with my grandma and my mom...

Blah blah blah

My apologies to any who frequent my blog as I have not posted much lately. Still troubles on the 'home front' so to speak. The aunt mentioned two posts below is still up to her fucked up antics. I'm being sucked into the nightmare. I'm finding now that stress really is getting to me because lately I have been experiencing constant chest pain, nice huh? Attempted to run today with a friend, maybe you've heard of her?...McZ, she's a 'pusher (to be read as Tina Phay says it in 'Mean Girls')'. I didn't last very long at all, as I expected, felt good to attempt it though. My body certainly isn't up to snuff today. Examples...chest pain and the taste of blood in my mouth, isn't running great?

Didn't catch much sleep last night, had troubles getting to sleep and then I expected to be able to sleep in. Maybe I knew trouble was brewing. I do have that uncanny ability...much the way I knew my grandfather was dead...another example is the one night I couldn't sleep, was tossing and turning, so I settled myself on the floor and slept only to be woken up by a phone call telling me that my paternal grandmother had died...so I'm guessing I can predict this shit in a way...anywho...Only got about 3 hours of sleep before being rudely awakened by the sound of the telephone ringing this morning, only to be called further away from my bed on semi-emergency 'protect your grandmother from your aunt' duty. So, fun day...I'm thinking that I'm going to end my day much the way Steph and her sister ended their Saturday this last weekend, though I'll be alone. I'm not sure what else to say at present, and I would apologize for bitching, but it is my blog and I have every right to do so, least I think I do. Please cross your fingers and/or pray that if my aunt doesn't get the hell she deserves here on earth that she will rot in hell when she dies, thank you, that is all...for now.

For Her, anyone else who needs it can have it, but I made it for Her

Written November 5, 2005
(and as a side note I'm fucking pissed that certain lines were too long so they wrapped, my apologies)

I care about you
This world needs you
I need you, They need you,
He needs you most, though his words are few

We're all blind to our qualities; the good and the bad
That's why you have friends to point them out
And you do have friends, ones who truly care
Ignore the leeches, you can do without

The only life in your hands is your own; your responsibility
However, the love in your hands and in your heart, is not
You are not allowed to refuse love or deny the existence of love for you
No doubt you've been treated unkind, been the doting friend ultimately betrayed
There are few worthy of the place in our lives labeled 'Friends'
Trial and error, and commonly trust are what place us there indefinitely

I had no words to put forth my feelings,
You opened me back up, helped me know I had wings with which to fly
I had no hope left in me for this life,
You forced me to see with calloused but open eyes
I have no way of knowing whether I've come close to doing the same for you,
It's only my hope, my want, my will that it is so
You deserve to be loved and to be treated as one who is loved
I WANT with every fiber of my being, with every ache in my soul,
For you to see this love, to accept this love, to know this love, and to know it's all for you

These are just words however, though not meaningless
At present they are the only voice I have,
The only way to reach you
I give a fuck, you can't stop that, though I know you wouldn't try to
Take care, be well, you are adored.

Family

Growing up I used to think it was pretty cool having so much of my family around me. In a small town when you don't have a lot of friends it's a cool thing, right? Got to play with my cousins who were fairly close in age to my brother and myself, saw one set of grandparents quite often, and then there were my aunts who were mostly located in the same area. Family get togethers were always fun and pretty memorable (Christmas was the best). After my grandfather died things started to fade and fall apart it seems and I'm thinking after my grandmother dies everything will be over.

At this moment in time my grandmother is over 80 I believe, has Parkinson's Disease, and a few other problems. She's falling apart and some days she's pretty much not there, goes crazy, it's the only way I can think to describe it. I have this aunt who, while growing up I thought was cool, I am now prepared to kill her and accept all consequences for my actions. She's been taking advantage of my grandmother and her state of mind. My aunt is the youngest of five girls and seemed to get away with quite a bit as she was growing up, and seems to have missed a few lessons along the way. Basically, she's been stealing from my grandmother. Stealing from her own mother, her own dying mother! My oldest aunt on this side of the family is currently living with my grandmother and has, as it seems, finally given up on taking care of her (my grandma). My mom is at her whits end, she's out there at this very moment putting my grandmother to bed because my aunt has refused to put her to bed, has refused to take care of her. I'm going insane. I know my family's certainly not the worst out there, but right now all I can wonder is WHAT THE FUCK?

The Thief/Bitch/Unbelievable Whore/Liar/Self-Centered Fucking Bitch (I know I used bitch already but she deserves a few more in the title) has always been a liar, a thing I came to recognize and understand while growing up. Her lies were usually non-damaging and rather easy to dismiss, you just knew to take them with a grain of salt (did I 'say' that correctly?). Now it's out of control and all I want to do is track her down (wouldn't be too hard) bitch her out, make her see what the fuck she's doing, and beat the shit out of her. The Thief is trying to turn people against each other and is trying to do whatever she can to ensure that she gets everything she can before Nana (my grandma) dies. It's all such a tangled web, an insane, tangled, mangled, fucked up, piece of shit web. Shit is only going to escalate when Nana dies, that's when it's going to get even messier, and I can't imagine that, it can actually get worse than it is. What the hell am I going to do? I know people with families tons better than this (and worse as well), why can't mine behave like adults, behave as though they love their mother, not her money (I don't think there's that much, especially not now, but still there's money)?

I know I don't have to be here, don't have to be a part of it, but if I were miles away I'd be just as pissed. My own brother is miles away and he's prepared to come home from college and kick some ass.

Warning

An addition: It's not truth, it's fictional. I just felt this way.

Written November 1, 2005

The truth as I know it to be is that I'm the liar,
I manipulated the situation, every part.
At any time, if I'd wanted,
If I'd not been so afraid of the outside world,
I could have walked away.
The only reason I got out was because my world was falling apart.
Making everyone happy was all I had to do to make it all work out.
Stay away from me, it'd be the smart thing to do.
I did it, caused all the hurt in the end,
Just used you up and walked away,
I had to be the one to do the hurting before you had the chance to do it to me.
A product of my past, their decisions, and my decisions.
I can't even act like a decent human being,
It's even possible that this is all an act,
May always have been.
How much of this is truth?
I'm afraid of it all, afraid of what I did, what I can do, what I will do.
I make myself sick - stay away, I don't want to hurt you too.
What have I done?

Venting

It's not always easy to create and right now I'm down right frustrated. I get enough inspiration to write a line or two, none that fit together of course, that would be too easy. I'm close to tears, that seems to be the one thing I've been able to easily create these past few nights. That to me is rather unimportant, most times easy to control. I guess I'm hoping that if I get these thoughts out of my way I'll be able to write. Didn't much care for whatever came from me last night, but I guess that's what I was feeling last night and I can't just disregard. So, I'm going to keep at it, till I'm exhausted enough to go to sleep, otherwise I'll just lay in bed with mixed thoughts wishing I were writing so I'll skip that step, save attempts at sleep for last. Guess I just needed to vent for now.

For those of you who like my stuff...some chaos in a relatively small dose...

Written October 31, 2005

Drastic dances and lost second chances
One last kiss, a shaking head, a sigh
No lullaby for me
You're walking away, I know you won't turn back
Slipping away, grasping silence
Empty rooms reverberate feelings
My heart mimics your fallen footsteps
I'm at a loss; don't know how to feel
I know there isn't really anything left to say
Now there's only one, me, and I'm not even whole
I got lost and no importance was placed on making me found
Tip and spill, pour out the sun
Pass it around, let this day be done
I never really cared what I came to be
I was just along for the sick and twisted ride
Heartfelt sins and delicious lies
I hate goodbyes, they can't be undone
Brisk needs fall into slow giving hands
Please remind me of the point
The light can't blind, I turned away long ago
I don't think it's possible to beginning from the end

I don't mean to cover up my shout out to Kenzie or the pictures of my pups, but I got the urge, sorry.

Written October 28, 2005

I want you to find this apology; take it to heart
Think of it as my heart’s dying wish
Its last beats a lament of my lost soul
A perfect child I never was
I wish I could have felt as though that were acceptable

The luster has gone out of this precious gift

Trapped memories in faded photographs serve only as
Reminders of lost moments, forgotten joys
Your eyes were once so full of youthful pride and overflowed with love
Growing older has left me with none of that to hold

Somewhere everything went awry
Reality knocked on the door and stole the show
Your approval could no longer be gained
Nothing I did was right anymore
Like a child I was constantly left standing as you walked away

Disappointment and pain were never my intentions
My attempts fell short and scattered
I serve only as a pathetic reminder of a failure you created
I’m sorry I couldn’t try hard enough

I miss the light in your eyes, the one only I could coax
All the wrongs I couldn’t make right caused it to dim and die
No blame will I place on you, I’ve put you through too much as it is
A few moments more, that’s all I need

This blood coursing through my veins was a gift from you
A gift I shamefully return
My tears fall and flow, soiling the crimson pools at my side
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more
Another wrong…
Another pathetic attempt...
I love you...
Love me...
Forget me…
Please, forgive me...

I MISS YOU TOO

I miss you too my Kenzie! Big kiss *mwah*

My Babies

Well I just spent some time with my puppies today, it's been a long time, too long even. Rocky (what we think is a mix of chocolate lab and pitbull) and Lucky (what we think is a mix of black lab and husky). Rocky is the youngest and such a momma's boy. He was wandering around the neighborhood one day out of the blue and barking at kids on their bikes. We thought he might be a threat but turned out to be a big baby. Upon closer examination you could see he'd been starved, his ribs were showing through too clearly and he was so skitish around anyone, men especially. Hate to say it, but he's my fave out of the two. Lucky we adopted from someone who couldn't keep him around anymore cause he was too playful with their new puppy. Lucky has two different colored eyes which are so incredibly cool looking but freaky, and the freaky part just overpowers the cool part LOL. They are both such ADD dogs, must be the lab in them. And they both think they're lap dogs, insane. It was so hard to get them to pose for pictures. Man did I miss my boys though. Let's disregard what I look like mmmk?

Me with Rocky

Me with Lucky and Rocky

Man look at those tongues...doggy breath is the worst!!!

To a friend

Written October 18 & 25, 2005

I'm not there for you anymore, was I ever?
I'm a shadow of doubt
You're doing everything on your own now
There is no making good on something that we didn't do

I've loved you all these years
You were the one I wanted to protect
But I only suceeded in hurting you deeper
And pushing you away further

I wasn't the rock that stood firm
I was the pebble that rippled the pond,
The boulder that made the waves
You carry on while I can't let go of the guilt

Every time I drive away it kills me
Like I'm abandoning you
I want to turn the car around to make sure you're okay
I don't want to keep leaving you

The 'Pojo' returneth?

All right as requested I have posted, this makes post numero tres for the night...nothing would be complete without a poem...or at least to me. And I was gently urged to write...(ok so I was commanded to write and that's not anywhere near gentle...) so here it flows...

Written October 18 & 25, 2005

Forgive me Father of all my sins
This is the worst place I've ever been
My flesh is unclean, my heart impure
It's all going to waste

This body houses a weak soul
And the blood in these veins flows thin
Coursing with hate
And I hate because I am what I hate
Running blind, feeling desperate
An unkempt love
A careless child

As our Father who loves all,
You stole from me
Broke my innocent heart
Drained my life's happiness

I forwent an ease into the unfamiliar
No blinders to hide behind
My life was no longer in order
Misery and desperation
Overtook love and youth
To fill and burst my tiny heart

You gave me no hand to hold,
No comfort, only pain
Robbed me blind and left my faith
Dangling on a frayed and unholy thread
A relationship unfounded, ungrounded
Unconditional love met with a child's hate

I want to turn my back, but I know I need you there
I hate while you love
Walk with me silently, there to guide me
I'll return to your grace one day

I knew this would happen

You see, I have this wonderful friend in Tennessee whom I was thinking of posting about seperately, as opposed to including her in the post just before this one, because she does deserve her own seperate recognition and space.

She's definitely one of a kind and the most awesome person I know! Found her through blogger in a round about way and then she disappeared from blogger (her own doing) but I'm lucky enough to get to chat with her most every night and even on the phone, I pity those of you who don't know her. And those of you who do, and are lucky enough to know her semi-well, you know how lucky we are...though we miss reading her daily through blogger...we can of course read her poetry still...http://www.fictionpress.com/~muselee...course I have a lot of trouble getting this link to work, but still that's where it is, no lie, I promise.

She's helped save me in a way, as good friends tend to do; my saving grace. Mayhaps I'm crazy, mayhaps I'm not (I'm hoping for the latter of course) but just because I've never met her, doesn't make her less important to me.

As an addition, I would like to mention that this post doesn't do her justice. So, mayhaps there shall be more at some later date. And she's back :D http://stracciamanici.blogspot.com/

Boom-Bam-Baby!!! (any Emperor's New Groove fans should know what I mean)

Long time no post. I realize. I'm not meaning to neglect of course, I haven't even picked up a pen or typed in my Word program since my last post so no favoritism going on.

Did one of the most odd things in my life last night...recorded a song with Cody (http://havokplayer.blogspot.com). Not sure how I feel bout my voice, I'm not a very good critic of my own things of course, especially when it comes to my voice.

My baby brother turns 21 this weekend...damn. Scares me a bit. Alcholism runs in our family and while I do drink occassionaly I know my limit, or at least I know when I'm drunk and when I should stop. My brother on the other hand says that he can't get drunk no matter how much e drinks. This is what scares me, people can die doing that sort of stupid shit. I'm going to try to be there this weekend when his friends take him out. Picked him up Friday night (roughly 6 hours round trip) just so I could take him home Sunday evening (yet another 6 hours, roughly). Thankfully I had company on the way to get him (Cody, thanks much) and on the way home from dropping him off (Cody, yet again, and MaK {http://www.pockapeacock.blogspot.com/}, thanks guys).

Still being pressed to get a job, understandibly. Though I sort of have one. I suppose it's considered more part time, but still she [my mom] never considered it [babysitting] a job, ever.

Cody's sort of teaching me how to play the guitar, I think at the moment I'm frozen on this, a tad stagnent we'll say. Everything in my life seems to be rather stagnent actually. I'm not writing, not playing, not 'working' in the sense I should be at least, and I wish my bank account were stagnent, least that would mean no activity, i.e. withdrawals and spending lol. For those of you who read me a lot, you might recall a post involving a cracked windshield, that's going to be replaced tomorrow (Tuesday) bit psyched, but then again, it is $50 which is cheaper than a windshield usually costs, but still, there goes my dinero...

Maybe now that I'm posting I'll get the urge to write...who knows, I'm hoping so of course. And yes, this was a bitch on white, sorry bout your eyes :P