Tonight's Drivel

The following were written October 2, 2005

If I were to kill myself now
You'd have regrets
I'd have freedom
You'd hit the floor in shame
Forgive me
Forget me
A waste of sacred words
Bleed these scars
Tear this heart
Cry not for the loss of me
No more pain in me
But my god, it would pass to you
Is it a risk worthy of the taking?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need you to be with me
Crave my warmth
Touch me tender
Hold me
Don't let the darkness in
Pull me closer
Don't let go
Help me to feel
Give me sight
Before I melt away

Okay and one more...maybe the last one...maybe

Written October 2, 2005

When I'm around you
I'm on edge
Concentrating so hard
I fumble my words

Do you love me as much?
I'm not the perfect one
But I am the first

You're so harsh
I’m so frail
Here we stand again
A second chance?
Or shall I play the old part,
The foolish child once more?

You reprimand my lack of knowledge
You think me petulant
You're so unfeeling
So unkind

If I were to be like you
As a whole
Would you be satisfied?

I would hate every moment
Despise myself
Hide it all?
There’s no way

You’ve imprisoned me in your memory
Holding me as I was, not as I am
Approve of me
Give me strength to know I am loved

Okay and another...I told you guys I wanted to write...


Written October 2, 2005

I'm holding myself
Wanting to rip my hair out
Gouge my hands
Why won't it all flow?
My legs shake beneath me
I want the rain to free me
The more I think
The more the feeling intensifies
My heart pounds beneath this flesh and these bones
I feel as though my soul is trying to escape
It's trapped within me
Like nothing to be described

Won’t you hold my hand and lead me out
Guide me, give me words
Help me fight this demon inside
Free this anger, this self deprecating hate
Tear away my shackles of shame
Let me rage

And directly from my brain, to my fingers, to the keyboard, comes this...of course thanks to the help of the everpowerful, always brilliant Stephanie (thank you, teacher)

Written October 2, 2005

You were stupid
Stupid to have come here
To feel this way
To love me
I'm much too small for this pedestal
I don't want to be seen
Damn you for this feeling
Damn you for wanting me
I want it to be your fault

But I was the one who took your hand
I was the one who asked you to lead the way
The blame rests on me
This fucking trip
I don't want to feel you there
Don't want your presence to remind me
I was stupid, I was foolish
How could I be the trusted one?
Why confide in me?
I'm a beast
Of my own creation
Of my own self hatred

What's going on in my head?

What's going on in my head...what's going on in my head...? I have no idea.

Right now I feel like I'm totally falling apart.

I feel so uncomfortable around my mom, especially when her new husband is around.

I've started two new poems and I know they're nowhere near done and that's frustrating, and I just finished commenting on a friend's blog where she complained of starting new poems and not having more than three lines each and I told her to relax and that it happens to me, but what do I do?

And as I just expressed to a few online friends, I'm feeling rather overwhelmed (and when I hear that word in my head all I can remember is a line from a movie of course I don't remember the name now...'I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?')...anyway, moving on...I'm feeling overwhelmed, I want to listen to every song I love but like all at the same time...and I want to fucking WRITE but I'm STUCK!!!

"These are a few of my favorite things..."

Maybe (since I can't think of anything to write but really want to write) I'll list things I like. I suppose it would be a rather large change from droning on about what's making me miserable and it would be slightly less depressing. And, yes, I do realize most of this is probably in my blog profile...oh well I guess.

• Standing in the rain, regardless of my mood
• People playing with my hair (social grooming *wink*)
• Music (at the moment Jimmy Eat World is my drug of choice, newest album)
• Spooning
• Hanging out and being hyper with friends
• Reading
• Watching movies
• Not fighting with my mom
• Feeling good about myself (rare, but I notice it more when it's a rare thing)
• Being warm
• Eating my dad's yummy food (especially prime rib ooooh and turkey dinner with mashed potatoes...now I'm hungry)
• Spending time with my Hailey or is it Haley (Hey, Lee lol)...either way I love that little girl!
• Being drunk, when it works out in a good manner obviously
• Being complimented
• Feeling secure
• Writing poetry or anything
• Being complimented on my poetry, it's a rush
• Having poems just "fall" right out of my hands and having it be an exhilerating (sp?) experience

Okay, I realize that's not a lot of things, though I suppose it's a good amount, and a good start.

To hell and well, hopefully back

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. No, I take that back, I'm feeling dead. Right now I'm in that position of just when you thought things were going well...it all comes back to you. It's not the end of the world, I'm sure of this. But right now I'm in well limbo I suppose, again. I just want to sleep all day, for a few days.

I'm feeling stripped of everything familiar, that whole 'starting anew' feeling. And I'm feeling like it's the most unfair thing ever. I know this will all pass, that's actually one of the only things getting me through this. Of course the other thing is friends, people who want to see and hear me feeling better than I am right now. It did feel good to feel genuinely happy, happy for no reason. It was rather shocking to me and everyone around me at first but man, it felt great and I want it back. I honestly never imagined myself wanting that happiness, I suppose I never thought it was possible, for me at least. I'm not quite used to the stop and go of it all, going from so high to so low, but I'm sure that in time I will find the balance.

I want to thank everyone who has had faith in me, knowing I can pull through this, knowing I'm strong enough. I don't know that I could have done any of this without encouragement and people pushing me to be me, and to be free. I'm still getting there, but it's good to have people behind me, supporting me, pushing me, so as I said before, thank you. Please have patience and thank you for the patience you've shown so far.

What a test

This is me I suppose, seems accurate enough...

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 62% Schizoid |||||| 26% Schizotypal |||||| 26% Antisocial |||||||||||| 42% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 54% Narcissistic |||| 18% Avoidant |||||| 30% Dependent |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 22%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

WTF?

Who the hell jinxed me with 'all good things must come to an end'? And how did I go from having one of the greatest nights (Green Day) of my life to this?

And who said 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'? Doesn't the shit that 'doesn't kill you' contribute to why some people kill themselves?

Sorry for the huge downer.

Exhaustion and Ringing Ears

OMG what a day! Here I sit about ten minutes (3:25am) after returning home from one of the well, let's just say most evenful days of my life. Every one has been returned safely to their proper homes and fun was had by all, so my work here is done. Green Day couldn't have rocked more, unless of course I was one of the lucky bastards who had gotten to go on stage and play either drums, guitar, or bass. Unfortunately I don't even know how to play a single one of those instruments, or any instrument for that matter so I was so far out of the running, but wow. I'm sure every part of my body will be aching upon awakening, whenever that's going to be.

Of course we wouldn't have had such a good time if it weren't for me thinking, "gee, I guess I should probably take my ticket", which in turn reminded Cody that he had forgotten the other three tickets at home, luckily we had plenty of time to retrieve them. To put this in better perspective we were at least a good 3-4 hour drive from our destination (Green Fucking Day!). We got to Tacoma early and that gave me time to stop off and see my brother at college which was good for me, I miss him still. The new hair-do was a huge shocker to him, oh and the fact that I was wearing make-up as well.

As if almost forgetting the tickets wasn't enough, when they finally opened the doors we were told the line was not where we were standing but much, much, much further back, so we stood in line for who knows how long, only to find out we had been in the wrong line the whole time! Imagine our shock after finally reaching the doors, desperate for our pat down, only to find general admission was at a whole nother set of doors! Thankfully once we found our appropriate set of doors we entered immediatly to the sounds of Jimmy Eat World. Tears were actually shed upon entrance, though none by me, almost but none...Jimmy Eat World freaking rocks as well (they opened for Green Day). We were on the floor center freaking stage, mosh pit what have you. Watching Billie fake moan and fake jack off was fucking sweet ;) I'm sure I'm deaf now, but I'm thinking, it might have been worth it. Yes, there was definetely pot present, no I did not partake, except for the fact that I did have to breathe, not a hint of a contact high either, though I'm not certain I would know what that was like anyway.

And omg did the trip home really have to be as long as it did? The show started at 7:30, got out at 10:50ish, and I got home at 3:15am...Sitting in the parking lot forever before finally moving, sitting in road construction traffic for at least 30 minutes after getting lost, getting lost again, incredible amounts of fog slowing even the speediest of drivers (me, though I behaved the whole time, driving that is).

If this is scattered and all uncomprehensible (perhaps poorly written as well) then I apologize. I am exhausted, in need of major showering, starving, poor (gas is a bitch), and I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get to sleep with ringing ears and images of the greatest show I've ever seen. Good night, I feel like shit, but I'm sure it was worth it!

So, today is bound to be one of the many happiest days of my life (yes, I do plan on having more happiest day of my life moments). I am going to see Green Day live! And while they are not my favorite band, this concert is going to me monumental. I'm trying to contain my excitement as to not overwhelm my body, yet. This nervous/excitable stomach of mine can't handle that sort of stress a million times in one day so I continue to put a stopper in this bottle of excitement, for now.

Update on me, cause I am who this blog is about, so I will talk about myself. As my loyal readers know, I'm slowly, but surely getting happier. Several things can be thanked for this. I mean even if my poetry is semi-dark I get so overjoyed that I wrote and wrote something good. Having good people to talk to is also to be thanked, and is probably the leading cause to happiness in my life. Stepping out of my rather small box and changing my hair has, well led some people to think, "well you're too young for a mid-life crisis" and has also led my mom to wonder (after I shower) if I've stuck my fingers in a light socket, but it has some how made me feel better about myself and at the same time semi freaks me out that I chopped off all my hair! My own brother, upon seeing a rather crappy picture of me (the first pic on my last posting) said I look like him only with reddish-purple hair. The nerve. I mean yes, I did even say I looked like my brother with my hair this short, but for him or anyone other than myself to say it! OMG, unheard of.....moving on from the hair, it's not that big so it doesn't need all that attention, I mean it got it's own post even......

So, after Green Day, I believe a road trip is in order...shall we plan?

Pics

Okay... So, I just got my hair chopped off today! And this is the shortest I've had my hair since like birth...and yes, these pics are not high quality, nor are they of my hair while it's styled...I had to shower cause the little hairs were poking the crap out of my neck (no, there isn't really crap in my neck, just a figure of speech) so that's why it isn't styled. I can't stop rubbing it, I have no idea why...it's insane for me!

All For You

All For You
Written September 23, 2005 (on the spot)

Imagining you there
Breathing behind me, on me
Warm

Unsure...willing
This ache in me
This need, this desire
All for you

Holding it in, it kills
Strikes me to the core
To the very depth of my desire
Release me

My flesh craves your touch
Your kiss
Your heat

Oh how I burn

HOTT (yes, with two t's, more if possible)

The hottest thing is a southern accent!
and i want one so i can return the favor ;)

Collaboration

So, a few nights ago I collaborated with a friend, Cody (aka Havok), and we went through some of my poems that were unfinished and certainly unworthy of posting. Since then Cody has asked me to post them as he is proud of our work together, as am I. And seeing as I haven't posted anything of late, I shall do as requested. The following poem first began in August of 2003 so, it's been awhile and deserves this 'rebirth' if you will. And I thank you Cody, it never would have turned out as well. And Steph, I still would love to work with you on some as well, as long as you'll stop freaking out bout the other night!

I am feeling so much happier. I have a feeling a lot of it has to do with my change of environment, as difficult as the whole change was. My mom and I are getting along pretty well, so far *crosses fingers*, I've met some wonderful people online, I'm starting to really look forward to seeing Green Day on this coming Monday!, and I am getting to listen to music a lot more than I used to be able to (I LOVE MUSIC). Though the other night I had a scary freaking dream and it cut me to the core. I don't think it has any significance, but it scared me nonetheless. I digress...here is the poem (thanks again Cody, I stand by it, you're a genious)...perhaps I'll post about the dream tomorrow.

I Hate Your Ways

I've grown to hate your face,
Can't look you in the eyes.
I hate your fucking ways,
I hate your fucking lies!

I hate the way you make me feel,
Like I always must be right.
You say you love me for who I am;
But that all sounds too trite.

I hate that I can't leave you,
I hate each night's reprise.
I hate that I still love you,
You're the lowest of my highs.

An ode, a tribute, a thank-you...an apology

An encounter
Written September 19, 2005 (yes, tonight)

A touch, a breath,
Gentle gliding, tender flesh,
Pour into me...rip me apart.

Take me whole,
Feel that I want it,
Feel that I need it.

Bare my soul,
Fear that I flaunt it,
Fear that I feed it.

(thank you)

HERE!

Fine, here.

Blink hard - make it all go away
None of it is making sense
You belong but you don't
Pulled in all directions except for the right one
Love, but is it?
Family, but is it yours?
Run away, or stay?
If you run, where to? (this one is probably not finished, right Steph?)



To Jamie

I never meant to hurt you
I’ve never wanted to
For all the pain I’ve caused
All the wrong I’ve done
I’m sorry



And here.

Being Me

You don’t know what it’s like to be me.
Things that are simple for you are hard for me.
I see things differently than you do.
The littlest things can have the greatest affect on me.
I’m afraid of what I think I can’t do.
I wish you could understand.


And here.

Free Falling

I’m trapped, free falling.
I can’t break away, darkness surrounds.
Twisted figures haunt me.
I gasp for air, only to find I’ll choke.
I reach out for you, but you don’t catch me.
My hand is greeted by an unfamiliar emptiness.
Will I fall forever?

Awesome!!!

So my day started off incredibly well! Technically I didn't go to sleep until around 8:30am, so I should elaborate. My morning was awesome, with a capital A-W-E-S-O-M-E! My morning, before and after waking, was the greatest it's been in, god, I don't know how long, years even. I was high as a kite, with no drugs mind you, it was surreal! There are just no words, well there are probably a ton of words. Even now, looking back, I'm happy again. Even though my mood after this morning went from so high to so incredibly fucking low by the end of the day, I mean it was bad. But OMG chatting with good people is so much fun and hanging out with good friends is too. I spent the day, or should I say afternoon/evening hanging out with good friends of mine at the mall. It was fun, a blast even, I need more of that. I need more of nights chatting with people who don't want me being down on myself, no matter how hard I try to be. Man, I'm so happy right now, energized even ;)

I want to run from myself
Exit my body, fly from this place
Slap myself in the face, spit on my soul
Kick and stomp my ensufferable body
I want to scream at myself
Make myself bleed

Was told it sounded Stabbing Westward-ish. I wrote it at a very, very pissed off time in my life... on the 2nd of this month in fact. I stand by the feelings of this poem, it's the only way I'm allowed to hate on myself says an elder of mine. So I embrace this poem with my heart and soul as fractured as they might be.

(Cut and Pasted from an email to a certain someone)

As for my mom's house (and now I feel this is a good topic for my blog)...I feel out of place, I guess that's to be expected. I also feel so much more alone, and no, that's not a good thing. I have no one here to relate to and I constantly feel as though I'm taking up her valuable time whenever I talk to her about anything, sure it's usually nothing of importance, purely cause I have to test the waters. She's always so hot and cold. One minute she's easier to talk to, the next she scares me away. Looking back, it wasn't so bad here this weekend with no one, I would much rather be home alone without them, than home with them. All the old feelings of hating being home come rushing back when she's here. Thankfully I still watch the * kids at the * house, but even there I don't feel I fit in anymore. I'm in limbo...omg, and it's hell (that's a little contradictory isn't it?). I'm so fucking miserable. I don't feel like eating, even when my stomach is growling and my head is thinking of yummy things my tummy wants, I stayed up the entire night these last two nights...I've gotten maybe...maybe 7 and a half hours sleep in about 48 hours time. What am I doing that whole time? Absolutely freaking nothing! I sit here, at my laptop and pray people will come online to talk to me. Occasionally I watch a movie on my laptop, otherwise I get to sit her and ponder a hell of a lot of stuff.

*-names removed

Now my mom isn't bad mind you, no abuse or anything like that, maybe verbal when I was younger but not so much now...