False Advertisement

Lapse in time...

2008-05-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

So I find myself back here at my old outlet.

I'm beside myself. I don't know what to do.

Here I am, at the start of a three day weekend and what do I find? My car's been broken into, over what? My fucking wallet. Stupid me for leaving it in there but what the hell. And now I don't even know what to do. Lainey thought the cop said there were no signs of forced entry but I don't even know... Point is there was forced entry, both of my doors had been locked, upon further examination I noticed that someone had actually broken in through the passenger door/window. So now, do I keep calling the police officer and bug him until I know more? I don't want to mess with anything on the off chance my insurance people want to see pictures. I just...feel betrayed by everyone, humanity, what have you. Sure they stole my wallet out of my car and the only thing of value in there to anyone other than me is my check card and $20 in cash. And what did the moron who stole my card do? They bought gas at 6am. What the hell??? That's it?

Mostly I guess I'm just pissed and I don't know what to do. I feel as though I've done all I can for the moment by why do I feel so...I don't even know the word I need! I'm bored and anxious, but mostly I just want to have my stuff back to normal.

And so it goes

2007-11-19T20:16:00.000-08:00

So, it's finally happened...Saturday, November 17, 2007 @ 3:15pm my grandmother died. Now chaos will rule our kingdom.

2007-09-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

False advertisement, apparently that’s what I am.

People want more from me and more for me and they’re certain I have more to give, more to me…if they’re so certain then why can’t I find it in me?

Go to school, well, whether I’m smart or not, one thing I know I’m not is academic.

What are my interests? I feel as though I have none, at least none that are significant.

I love being with Lainey.
I like video games, playing them at least.
I like computers.
I used to love to type.
I love listening to music.
I like reading.
I used to love to write, but now I don’t even think anymore.
I used to love hanging out with my friends, but I don’t feel like I have very many real friends anymore.
I love making people happy.

What am I good at?

I’m a fast learner at most things.
I can be very organized.
I can clean really well.
I’m good at my job but is that really worth bragging about? Hell, her father made fun of me being told I’m one of the best workers at TSI, something along the lines of, “that’s like being the smartest kid in the retarded class.”

She thinks I’m an angry person, not that it always shows but that deep down I am. What would I have to be constantly angry about? I can’t think of a thing. I suppose if you look at the big picture I’m pissed that I wasn’t raised with the desire to make something of myself. I grew up scared to do anything and everything, worried that I’d do something foolish and embarrass myself, I was and still am too worried of what others think of me. No one ever really pushed me, my mom nagged but that was it. Ask for help? Hell no. Way back when I was elementary school age…I got yelled at by my father, sometimes pinned up against the wall (as my mother informs me), when I frustrated him because I still couldn’t grasp whatever it was he was helping me with in my homework.

She still wants that future with me that she’s always wanted but now, she’s not sure I’m the right one for her because I’m unmotivated and I’m an angry person. It seems mostly that we’re too different for each other is what she’s saying. The things that we once shared, things that brought us even closer together, the things that had us referring to ourselves as twins…don’t seem like enough anymore.

I’ll admit, a year ago, when we first met and started to hang out I know I seemed far more exciting. The prospect of making such an awesome connection with another human being excites most people, I was ecstatic, a new job and a blossoming friendship. Not to say I’m not happy now, but the shit that it takes to be an adult just seems to screw things up. The fact that I have to get up and go to work for eight and a half hours every weekday pisses me off. Work all day then come home and do what? I don’t have the money to do anything, especially not the things I would enjoy. So what’s the point? I’m supposed to live so that I can work my life away? Work for what…money, sure, but I’ll never make enough money to survive happily. I’m happier than she knows but the one underlying issue that probably gives the appearance that I’m unhappy is that I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not what people think I should be, especially not for my age. I know I’m this abnormal freak of a 25-year-old who’s going absolutely nowhere. I’m just so fucking terrified. I hate this town now, I want to leave, she thinks I still want to be stuck here, she’s wrong. If we were well enough off I’d move us in a heartbeat.

I want to be everything she needs me to be. I want to give her everything she desires. I want her to be happy and safe. Hell, I flew her back here at the risk of her being restricted from seeing me just to know she was safe and happier than she was with her sperm donor. I don’t want to lose her, but if she has to leave me I can’t force her to stay with me. I only wish I hadn’t given her some false impression of who I am so that if anything we’d never have gotten this involved so it would never hurt as bad as it has the potential to hurt. She didn’t get what she wanted, what she thought she saw and now days after our one year anniversary she’s not sure I’m right for her anymore.

“I’d lie and say it’s all for the best, wish you luck and say I have no regrets, I’m not up to being strong so I’ll wait until you’re gone.”

I feel so...

2007-03-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

I love her, I adore her...but I don't get it.

I feel as if I never see her because of our conflicting work schedules. I know we are going to get an apartment and live together, but for right now...I'm having a hard time with this rarely seeing her business.

I don't mind hanging out with other people, I'm just not as motivated and I don't mind hanging out with her and other people at the same time...but there are times when she acts differently...I don't feel like anywhere is my scene anymore. I secluded myself from everyone months ago and now I seem to be stuck. I don't really want to go anywhere or do anything. I want to be with her and I love being with her family as well, those aren't issues...

I HATE that she finds it okay to make out with almost anyone...especially if I'm right there...she knows it bothers me so it's not as if I've hidden that fact from her, it's no secret it's just something I feel the need to express...again.

She's at a babyshower with people from work, totally cool I don't mind it at all...what I do mind is the fact that when she found out it was only going to be the small group of people from work that she loves...she wishes she could stay longer...which for me means...less time with her. Her reasoning had something to do with they are her friends...but they're her friends that she sees more than she sees me...I get that that's at work...but come on.

I get that time has to be balanced...but it's like she's got way more going on than I do...so...I don't know where I'm going with this.

Maybe I'm just too dependent, too clingy. I could stand to hang out with no one but her...and it seems she needs everyone.

Am I jealous? Yes. Moreso of the people she'll so willingly make out with, who so willingly offer her up as a make out buddy to just about anyone.

It's not cool. It's not cool for Cody to refer to me as his old lesbian friend, I am never happy with him referring to me as anything along those lines. And it's definitely not cool for him to offer my girlfriend up to people.

I'm just frustrated and hurt, but it will pass.

It's been awhile...

2007-03-21T18:53:00.000-07:00

...and I'm exhausted so this won't be much of a post.

Just got back from my grandma's...great fun...she's as hopeless as ever...still waiting for the day her life will end (fun times, right?). I don't know how to be there. The only real reason I was there was to vacuum the water out of the basement that seeps in through the foundation after we've had rain...

So...Peace out my homies...

I love her.

2007-01-28T23:20:00.000-08:00

So less than a month away from my birthday I sit here, outside on my frost covered porch, wish I could say that I'm thinking but really, I'm just...here. I'm not one to make plans, or I never really used to be. Last week I was going through my old journals I think the earliest date was some time in early 2003. Even then I felt I had no real future, no plans, no nothing. Since some time in October tiny plans came into place ones I was skeptical of, but more than anything I was scared. Scared because this was never anything I'd done. This year I hope to turn this around a bit more. I plan to move into an apartment with Cody, one of my best friends, and Lainey, my love. She wasn't going to be a part of this apartment business until she finished school in North Carolina. Now see...here come plans again. For my birthday I was going to fly to North Carolina from the 9th of February to the 18th. Some craziness came about and I was going to be bringing my girlfriend home with me, home for good, I was ecstatic, I mean come on! Though the circumstances of her homecoming were uncool, it was very necessary she move back, she's got so many people who care for her here, so many people who love her. More changes came about...and now, she's flying home Tuesday...the 30th of January. I wish I could be flying with her but the truth is she needs to be home ASAP she's not safe, she's just not in a good place. It's true, her parents here, her mother and her true father never really enjoyed the fact that I was dating their daughter (and that's putting it mildly I'm sure) but at the moment, we're seeing eye to eye. She needs to be home with us, home where we know she's safe.

This year is going to be the best birthday I've had in a long time. Having Valentine's Day as my birthday...and never having a true valentine...just makes for a not so great birthday. How do you truly enjoy a birthday on valentine's day when you've really got no one that close, no one to call your own? This year I have that and that's all I really need, to know I have her. I don't need or expect any gifts, she's it and now, knowing she's going to be here, in town, whether with me or not, it's seriously the best gift I could ask for at this point.

I don't know what the terms are going to be with her back. I know they've (her parents) said they don't care if she lives with them or with me, they just want to know she's safe and around people who love her and have her best interests at heart. I'm once again ecstatic that they've seen that I only want the best for her, it's all I've ever wanted for her, and hell, for anyone I've ever known.

I'm happy, here with my freezing fingers and Dashboard Confessional playing in the "background". I'm happy, she's going to be home safe in a matter of hours. I've never actually been more excited to be alive than I have been the last 6 or so months. I want to be a better person, I want to find out what it takes and do it. Now I know saying it isn't enough, and I know feeling it isn't enough either...but I do believe that with a little help and a whole lot of pushing...I'll get there one day.

I love you Lainey, so much. I wish I wasn't the first person to show you that you're worth everything.

Though I'm sure they'll not see this, Thank you Lainey's parents. I've wanted to say that for days though I'm still unsure of the reason, but of course, after the phone call from her father, I have more of a reason to thank you, thank you for trusting me.

Thank you to my friends...some of whom I've not spent much time with lately, but I know you're there and I sure hope you know I'm here. I love you guys.

I love you all.

2007-01-15T19:47:00.000-08:00

So lately I've been remembering issues I used to have and how I'd analyzed them and discovered meaning in them. A few years ago I noticed that shouting and arguing used to put me on edge, be it on TV or in person, I'd just get uncomfortable. Realized it had to do with my parents always fighting...but then I became the shouter in arguments and apparently that cured me...now in my calm state once more...I've noticed I become incredibly agitated when I hear shouting and loud arguing again.

Also, I have a hard time doing new things in front of my friends and loved ones, always have. I believe it goes hand in hand with my being afraid to ask for help...all stemming from my childhood. My dad wasn't very good at helping me with my homework and such, he'd always get too frustrated with me, he'd shout and I guess there were a few times he used to pin me up against the wall.

I'm almost 25 and these issues are still with me...please tell me I'm not crazy. Please tell me I'm not insane for the path I've chosen so far. I know I don't have a clue of where I'm going, but I know where I am now and to me...that's far more important at the moment.

I'm being judged unfairly by people who don't know me and this bothers me more than anything. I'm always hearing how I'm a good person and how everyone loves me right away so what's the deal with the harsh, unfair judgement by people who don't know me as I am but know me from gossip and general mistrust of my age?

Sorry, this was all rather scattered...and I'm probably sounding rather scatter-brained myself, just had to get it all out there.

2006-12-31T15:54:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year...yeah right. My grandmother just called the cops and told them that her caregiver is holding her against her will. My grandmother cannot walk on her own, certainly cannot drive, can't really do anything without assistance anymore...and now, my mom has to go out there and take care of her because the caregiver is refusing to stay there any longer. Fucking hell. Would that demented old woman just...go! She's wanted to be dead for years, I can't go out there and ask her how she is without her saying something along the lines of, "just waiting for the clock to run out." She doesn't want to be here so just...take her.

Knew it couldn't last...

2006-12-26T23:49:00.000-08:00

Semi-fight with my mom when I got home tonight. She smelled smoke on me...she jokingly asked, "been smoking again eh?" (mind you, she's not aware I do it...only just started some time this past summer/fall). I replied, "of course" or something of that nature. She mentioned something about smoking again, I had to lie and say Cody does...well he does smoke but I do too and so does my girlfriend...Cody wasn't with us tonight but she can't know I was out with my girlfriend for incredibly fucked up reasons. Sorry Cody. So then she said something about smoking in my car and I said "yes." Then of course she said outright, "No." Well..."it's my car"...she walked off...came back like a minute later "blah blah second hand smoke blah blah." "I know Mom, I'm not stupid, I've heard about it for years." "You come in here and bring it with you, you're exposing us all to second hand smoke when you do that...you've been given a free ride, you didn't register for classes for the upcoming quarter, maybe you want to move out." I had to not react to her cause that's the only way it ends. I almost cried but that's not all to do with here...I almost cried about two other times today as well.

Saw The Pursuit of Happyness (the y is intentional so I'm not a retard that's the actual title spelling for those of you who're unaware). Got me thinking..."where did I go wrong?" My parents were never "discouraging" as it were, but they were never "encouraging" either. Well my dad seems to be a bit and my step-mom as well...my brother even too...but it's too little too late you know?

I almost had it in my head that I'd be better off back where I was...six...seven? years ago. I hated it there, I'm sure it would have ultimately killed me or had a helping hand in me killing myself, but I was safe, I was secure, I was taken care of. No one through it in my face that I wasn't in school, my jobs were easy enough and not too demanding though some times they felt as if they were, I was taken care of. I didn't have to worry about money and generally, if I wanted something I could have it...but I stuck to trying to get what I needed rather then wanted cause it wasn't my money anymore.

I don't feel like I have the ability to take care of anyone properly...I can't even do that for myself.

Sacrifice. I don't think I'm in a position at this pint in time to make a sacrifice that's not going to yield positive and instant/semi-instant results. Then I thought, "people have made sacrifices for me...but I've not asked for them, in fact I've begged they not be made becauseof/for me." Then of course I analyzed that line of thinking a bit more...people don't necessarily make sacrifices for you expecting they'll get them in return (though most times you know they do). They're made kind of as a "sign" of sorts to show you that you're trusted...the door has been open for you to do the same but not necessary that you do so. They can also be looked at as someone saying, "hey, I trust you, I'm going to do this for you." But at the moment it's not an issue of trust necessarily. If anything a lack of trust in my own self. I'm not "stable" in who I am at the moment...a long recovery...I fuck things up left and right still...just not as much as I used to.

Eh, that's all that I have in my head that I can voice right now. The rest will just have to wait until I have time, and can sort the thoughts out.

Peace out ya'll.

2006-12-09T01:13:00.001-08:00

I'm going to tear myself apart, I just have to figure out where and how to start.

"This feeling of despair is never wearing out"

2006-12-08T16:57:00.000-08:00

Doubts, sinking in from all around
And I don't know how to be anything but myself
I don't even know how to be that to be honest
I want to stop freaking out about consequences
The kind where I worry about everyone I'm going to hurt
The kind that have me doing what I find best for everyone but me
But it's never clear what's best for me...so I'll never know
Do I take this road...or that one?

2006-12-08T14:58:00.000-08:00

"every day trying to make up for the one before
climb three flights to tremble at the sight of your already open door
the frustration I see when I tell you I like some company
breaks my heart
how can you be so impartial?

and I've made myself the fool
who's fallen for you
so let me down softly this time and
I wont have to come back cryin'
I've just made myself look bad and
you're the one who should be feelin' bad
it'd be better to forget you
but I don't really want to
it'd be better to forget you
but I don't really want to

energy spent trying to believe you're not worth it
you don't deserve it
but I wish you did 'cause I can't live without this
and I'll remember you as the second or two
artists I knew who decided to screw me over
'cause it's the bolder thing to do"

"The Bolder Thing to Do" - Gregory and the Hawk

2006-12-08T14:38:00.000-08:00

You make me nervous
No, I don't trust myself without you
You can't trust what your heart tells you
You want to ignore what your brain warns against

And you wouldn't even think to question me
But I put that doubt in your head so long ago
With midnight tales of how my life went wrong

I'll be the greatest disappointment you've ever had
I can't have you expecting the best from me
Because I can't deliver, I'll not live up to higher standards

Too many years of conditioning
Too many attempts to fall off that pedestal

I am what I do, what I say, and what I feel
He argued against it so I had to prove him wrong

I've perfected the ability to do the wrong thing
Oh I'm the cleverest girl, I know
I must prove to you that all I know to do is disappoint
It's not a way to live, I know
It's not fair to anyone but I suppose I'm just selfish that way
Forgive me if you can but it's the only way I know to live

It should be so easy to quit just for you
All the things I need to survive should take a backseat
There was a time I thought I'd never have what those songs are all about
You should be enough for me, you could be the best thing
But I'll be the worst mistake you ever made

I go where the comfort takes me
It used to be your arms
But you're so far away
Waved good-bye and left me here
I know it's not fair, and I never intend to blame you

Now I find solace in places that aren't here
In places where I can't think too hard
Where missing you can't trap me
Where I can unwind just a little bit
Just let the knots I've been tying fray and fall away
It (she) helps me, you know
Fills the spot where you left a hole
It's (she's) no replacement, it's (she's) no you
But damn it, it (she) holds me tight

I thought we'd never part
You were going to be my fresh start
Opened my eyes and made me more true to myself than I've ever known I could be
You were the only thing I required, but
I put my life's happiness on your shoulders
I depended on you to keep me happy and sane, when that was never your job
It should be so easy to stand on my own
But here I stand, wishing I could hide in my own shadow

I fell apart, crushed and crumbled to my knees
I'm stronger when I'm weak
The unsatisfying familiarity
This darkness is what I know, sadly, it's home

2006-12-07T16:42:00.000-08:00

I can't hold on to anyone as long as I'd like to...seems all the people I have instant, awesome connections with have to move along sooner than I'd prefer. Story of my life...I stay behind...I can't keep up..."well I lagged behind so you got ahead."

2006-12-07T16:14:00.000-08:00

I can't make promises or guarantees...I never felt I could to begin with. This journey I've been on...scares the shit out of me. I'm in pain, not just cause I'm sick but because I've hurt people and I can't handle doing that.

I don't know what I want to do. I can't say I won't be tempted by outside things I can't say I'll never question whether I want something else or not. Deep down...I do blame you for leaving, though we've discussed your reasons and come to the conclusion that it wouldn't matter whether you were here or there...that we'd not be able to see each other.

I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anyone. You called me a heart breaker... I should be alone...I hate being alone but I should be because then I can't hurt anyone. You want answers I can't give.

I can't ask you to move back here because ultimately, you wanted to be gone, you were happier leaving this town. I know you're not happy being away from me, but...love...I'm still incredibly afraid I'm not what you need.

I told you, I'm not someone who can be alone, that's no excuse for what I've done, but it's the truth...I don't do well alone.

How can you still want to be with me? I don't get it. It's like I have to test shit, I have to have real proof that I deserve what I have...and sometimes I just push too fucking hard for that proof. I told you I'm having a hard time remembering us.

Being sick and having all this...other stuff...to think about...just makes everything so much more real...I'm faced with the truth that there's no one to come to my rescue no matter how hard I want someone to. You're 3000 miles away and I need someone here and now to hold me to show me... I'll wait for you, but I'm worried I'll never budge. I'm worried that maybe I can't ever be any one's. I don't deserve to be. I love you...but how is it that I've done this to you, to us if I love you? I've missed you for so long.

I don't want to be here anymore, not here in this town...just...not here anymore...no longer in existence.

How did I switch so fast? How did I allow myself that moment of weakness? How did I lose touch? Why did you go? Why? Too many questions that I'll never have answers to, you want answers and I can't give them. You deserve better, what if I can't be what you want or what you need?

2006-12-06T18:18:00.000-08:00

Being alone is a bitch...

Being physically, mentally, and emotionally alone AND sick...just makes me wish even harder that I were no longer around.

Everyone I know goes away in the end

2006-12-05T16:19:00.000-08:00

There's no one here
I'm not where I want to be
And I'm not even sure I know where that is

This is so far, the loneliest day of my life

"So this is odd,
the painful realization that all has gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by
a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once
before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is the last time."

"This Brilliant Dance" - Dashboard Confessional

2006-12-03T15:14:00.000-08:00

Hey, anyone out there...?
Have you ever felt like being dead, even when you're incredibly happy?

The weather outside is frightful

2006-11-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

Just postin' some pics I took from our snow. I felt trapped at my dad's because of it, but once I got home, I loved it! It's so pretty! Our town is covered in white and it looks so surreal.

The beginning of the snow - part of my dad's back yard

Little more snow - part of my dad's front yard

Little more snow - 'nother part of my dad's front yard

Tons o' snow - clothesline at my mom's house

Tons o' snow - back porch at my mom's house

Tons o' snow - back porch steps at my mom's house

My snow angel (on the possible last night of snow) - back porch of my mom's

"Won't you cure my tragedy...

2006-11-26T14:27:00.000-08:00

Don't take her smile away from me
She's broken and I'm far away"

"When I sit and think of the days we shared
and the nights you covered for me
Every little thing that I ever did
You would stand by me
Every time you cried it would take my wind
My heart would break
If I could be strong like you were for me
You are my faith"

"I can't take this anymore
I can't feel this anymore
Won't you take and give her pain to me
'Cause my whole life I've made mistakes
Can you hear me scream?"

Laying down on a side street like a bum
Living my life like I'm twenty-one
Smelling of stale cigarettes and spent liquor...

It's snowing like crazy and I'm stuck here, though I'm about to attempt going into town to drop some of my things off and prepare myself for being home (finally) after house/dog sitting for my dad.

I'm missing people more than ever today, I can't handle that.

She wants me to like myself more, scratch that, she wants me to love myself. She wants my friends, even the ones she doesn't care for, to show me that I matter. No, I wasn't shown this kind of thing when I was younger apparently not in the ways that it matters, so why does it matter so much now? I love myself enough to still be here...but then again maybe I'm too chicken to do anything drastic. The snow's pretty, time to go brave it and make my way home for a bit.

The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

2006-11-25T19:05:00.000-08:00

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend"

Wish I could say that were true for me.

I'm depressed again, I can see that all too clearly now. I mean, I actually came out of it, it took me a bit to realize I was, but I finally recognized it. And now, well now I can see when it comes back on. All I want to do is crawl into bed and hide away. I want someone to take care of me, cause I fail at any attempts to take care of myself.

2006-11-19T15:28:00.000-08:00

I want to be everything.
I want to be the one with all the answers.
I want to be the one who can take care of anyone, any time, no exceptions.
I want to do whatever it takes to be the one.
I want to be strong.

I don't feel like I'm any of the above.

"Come on Darlin' let's go back to bed"

2006-11-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

Good Jewel lyric didn't want to take credit since the following is my poem but the title of the post is not my own. (Another good one...with one edit..."Get over here and warm my hands up, girl, it's you they love to hold")

Written November 15, 2006

Your hair is still everywhere
From those days spent in the sheets
(And the ones spent on them)
If your love is my drug
Then your sex is my much wanted overdose

The things I would do if you were here
Tear those clothes from your beautiful body
(They're over-rated)
Cover every inch of you with kisses too numerous to count
Before I cover you with my own flesh

All the sounds that slip from your lips to my ears
They tease me on and on to please
I wish my lips could be everywhere at once
So I could always have my eyes on yours
The intensity, oh what it does to me

I'd have you anywhere I could
No time would be wasted with you near me
This time apart makes my once great need unbearable
Our times together blend and play in my head
Torturing me, leaving me yearning for your touch

I long to reacquaint our bodies
To get to know every smooth curve, every line, every soft surface
All over again
It's been too long my love
Won't you please come home...

2006-11-16T16:32:00.000-08:00

Initially written (literally) on Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Recall one of my more recent posts where I wrote that I wished I could record my thoughts? Well even if you don't (though you could scroll down and find out)...now you've got an idea.

I'm writing all this down to blog about later... I've got plenty of time to write though my hand will surely cramp due to it's inability to keep up with my rapid-fire thoughts (and tangents).

The power is out, I've heard the entire island is without. Some parts of the island lost power as early as three o'clock in the a.m. but here in town we lost it around noon.

I also heard our bridge is out and I'm sure the ferries aren't running either. Stranded. Stranded physically, stranded mentally with a lot of time to think which delves into too much time to analyze.

I had attempted to take a nap as I have time on my hands and simply because every morning all I ever want to do is go back to bed...and even though I need the money, weather like this has me praying for a power outage.

So as you can plainly deduct, I'm not napping. Had tried and I think I did catch a few minutes of shut-eye, but alas, a phone call interrupted. My grandma's caregiver for the day called to ask if I could pick up a pizza for them. Me forgetting the town's power outage went straight for the sad truth: that I have no money. How do I forget about the power outage? lol. I told her our power was out too, so pizza became a no-go. I was relieved I'd not have to go out there and see my grandma. The caregiver had to throw in, "I've been trying to call [the pizza place] but no one is answering. Our power's been out since 3 a.m. and all I've been thinking about is 'a pizza and some hot coffee would be nice.' Oh well, I guess we'll just have water, there's plenty of food but no way to prepare it." UGH! It occurred to me that my dad's got a gas stove and usually has tons of good leftovers, I could have called him up and sent him to her house. And though he's my grandma's ex-son-in-law, he'd probably have done it. I never called.

It's funny, the sun just came out. It's rather bright and out of place. The sky is dark and a storm is a-raging.

So after the phone call ended I curled back up in my (cold) bed. The house is always so cold on a regular basis, but usually I can find solace in bed with my electric blanket cranked up. Now I'm stranded without either of my two heat sources...her and my blanket.

Sirens are breaking the silence between gusts of wind. Gutters which had been fixed to not rattle in the wind are no match for the their strength today; their annoying vibrations are mixing with the creaking house (which feels like it's swaying).

Anyway, back in bed...well I mean back to the memory of me being back in bed...I got to thinking and I'm not sure what the first thought was about. The gist of it was me questioning why I love knowing who's calling, thank goodness for caller-ID on my cell phone. Though I'm fucked (not pleasantly) when I get a call from someone who isn't programmed in my phone, somehow they pose a threat. These calls trigger thoughts instantaneously, "Who do I know that could belong to this number?" "Why would anyone who's not programmed in my phone have reason to call me?" I hate answering the house phone as well (no caller-ID), I avoid this phone at all costs, usually just screen them and decide if I want to pick up or not.

I analyzed all of that. And my conclusion? My subconscious. I'm afraid of getting *THE* call. "Megan, there's been an accident" or "Megan, so-and-so is dead." Something dreadful along those lines.

Waiting for the bottom to drop out.
Relying on instinct from past experiences and stacks of negatives (cons) to prepare for the worst.

Years of negatives have me jaded. Just as easy as one of these phone calls could represent something bad, it could be someone calling with great or even mediocre news - but I don't think like that.

So, I don't like unknown calls because I'm afraid of what they could mean.

something happened at work yesterday that was rather entertaining...I wore my glasses without one lens without realizing...someone else pointed it out to me after I'd been wearing them for maybe two hours. I found it amusing as well so this isn't a bad thought.

I work with a whole lotta Filipino women and while they are rather chatty I was intimidated by them at first. Now a lot of people know my name at work and I don't even know some of them. This is also not a bad thing, I tend to get more, "Hi Megan" and such now.

A lot of people at work like me, or seem to at least. I can't grasp this idea. People like me. People like me? Heck, years after high school I found out more people knew me than I realized, not just knew me, liked me, just didn't like my then best friend.

It feels awesome to have people talking to me at work. Though part of it is them making jokes about my glasses lately lol, but I've made myself an easy target. I do get picked on, but not in a way that bothers me because it's more of a, "I like you so I pick on you" kind of thing. It's the quiet people at work that scare me. I'm sure it doesn't hurt that I do an awesome job, least they all say that, but all I can do ("is read a book to stay awake..." sorry song popped in my head) is be shocked. I'm doing my job, doing my best and working my hardest - as everyone should.

So yeah all of this (all four, soon to be almost five pages) is notes for a blog post which was only going to touch on two, maybe three topics. 1) my avoidance of phone calls, 2) people at work like me, and 3) the power outage. If the outage lasts much longer my hand will be dead and I'll have a million pages of word vomit to type out...or avoid typing since I managed to get my thoughts out in some manner.

Holy shit...the house is shaking.

I survived...power came back on around eight p.m. is what I'm hearing. C and I skipped town, it was fun.

Just another day

2006-11-13T18:20:00.000-08:00

What can I say that's not too redundant yet? It's not as if I have an incredibly busy schedule or anything, not as if I do anything of great interest either.

Found out today that the neck pain I experience followed by nausea and a headache is quite possibly a migraine...yay me. I always thought migraines were more intense, not to say that the pain I experience isn't intense...just with the exception of minor whining do to the annoyance of pain...I suppose I handle pain well. Of course it does occur to me there can be different types (?) of migraines as well. I find when these "headaches" of mine come on I really need to be sitting or laying down. I already can't stand for long periods of time because I tend to feel winded when I do so and just get to feeling kinda funny, but with the "headaches" I get dizzy right away and the pain is greater. I feel like such a wuss. I haven't really had any sort of headache in a while and now it seems almost daily since last week. It also can't be good that I pop Tums before work just to make sure my stomach will be okay all day, not even in relation to the nausea from the "headaches", can it?

Ugh, and I've been getting foot cramps a lot, not frequently or anything just at sporadic times...but I almost never get foot cramps and now...well I was in the bathroom and got one...that was hard. *Sigh* maybe I'm dying, I mean faster than the usual rate.

Today is full on day one of "I-only-have-one-friend-in-town-day". He called me up asking if we could hang out later. I basically told him I'm up for it. Honestly I'd rather stay home in my "hole", secluded and in my comfort zone (as much comfort as being by myself in my room can allow for). But I get the feeling that without Robert, he's a bit lost in a sense. It's of course hard to gauge though, as C doesn't seem to really need people the way I feel I do, and if he does, he is really good at hiding it. C called yesterday while I was out of town looking to hang out, sounded as miserable as he said he was. I felt bad, well I would for anyone, but for C in general, it's rare I get to "see"/see him that way and not get hit with some shit too. I mean bad moods...we don't always treat those around us too well depending...yeah, I'm not trying to bash C so I'm done. I just feel bad because I'm out of it and feeling totally alone but I know if I need him, C's here...but he's got to be feeling some kind of shit too...Robert did leave him behind as well and Robert seemed an integral part of C's day.

Also, another lame attempt perhaps...I miss M. She won't acknowledge anything I do or "say". Perhaps I was given false information? Not to rat out C but it seems obvious he's in the middle and if anything is trying to help. I'd not take anything he told me to be said maliciously, nor would I use what he's said in a malicious way. So M, I need some sort of a sign before I decide I've really fucked things up beyond the point of no return. C made me think there was hope as you ask about me from time to time. Since the beginning of this...falling out...I've thought about you, I've wondered about you, I've definitely cared about what's going on with you, most of which I find out second hand - part of which is my own fault, I know. I don't/hadn't called you because you don't like talking on the phone and I'm not in the mood to put someone who doesn't like it in that position, along with the fact that we've not really spoken in awhile and it'd just be more awkward on top of your not liking the phone. I wish you'd email me, the way you, C, and I used to do in the past. I felt like it was a little newsletter to an exclusive club or something. Do you know how often I've just wanted to drive out to your house and...well...I don't know what I'd do but it's not like I've gotten that far - I worry bout your schedule cause it's not just school anymore. It's work, it's temping, it's gyming, it's hanging with Ch... That blog post you read and responded to angrily...you took it wrong, well I suppose I'd have taken it the same way but...ugh...remember after I moved out...I had no one...S's kinda been with me from that point on, straight through...so yeah...I'm not sure if that clarifies anything for you, I doubt it makes it better. It wasn't even a complaint in that post, in fact I was happy with having the two of them...I wouldn't have known to include anyone else as you and I have been...estranged since August...you got offended at something you'd already pointed out to me a dozen or more times, we're not close friends right now (if you still consider us friends at all)...was it wrong to not have listed you? I'm sorry, as I've said a million times, I can say it no more. I do love you, I need a fucking sign.

S, congratulations on the end of (work related)probation. (Didn't want that to look bad lol.) It's about damn time huh? Tread a little harder on those eggshells now? You do sound amazing at what you do, I know you're not the type to brag in a "look at me, look at me" sort of way, but more of a "wow, look what I can do" sort of thing (least I hope it's more like that :P). Glad you had a decent time at that dinner as well, I'd have been bobbing my head right along with you lol, as I don't absorb that kind of knowledge easily if at all. Love you.

My love, I am proud of you for your test scores, I'm jealous of how well you did because I'm terrified of how I'll do when my time comes. Accomplishments are a big deal doesn't matter how small they are, so no matter what, you do deserve a "good job/congratulations" something of that sort at minimum. I'm surprised anyone can just be all "blah" about it. I love you, I miss you.

2006-11-12T20:46:00.000-08:00

It's amazing what seeing you does to me. I mean I've got pictures of you I look at every day, but being able to see you semi-real time...I'm so happy.

Today was hard saying goodbye to Robert...my stability is slipping away again...I don't know where I stand with someone and then there's one other person here that I've got. Maybe I'm to blame, but can it really be all my fault?

2006-11-11T12:49:00.000-08:00

"This world brings me down, again. I know that I need you, to help me make it through and I know that you're the one for me."

Why do I feel so incredibly alone right now? It's out of place rediculous.

2006-11-11T12:41:00.000-08:00

Robert's threats, well not threats intentionally, to leave have finally become something. He says he's packing his things today (Saturday) and "skipping town" on Sunday. Fine, leave. It sucks, and I think part of the reason it sucks is because I feel like I've "skipped town" on a few of my friends and I already knew what it felt like to leave them cause it had already been done to me (Amanda ditched me for her boyfriend), thanks for the fucking reminder.

Pictures

2006-11-08T23:26:00.000-08:00

And these are being posted here cause I can't put em on myspace...too many reasons.

Me laughing...

Me and Cody...

Velma...aka Robert...aka Velmert (ain't he pretty? watch out Courtney Love!)

Velma again...

Cody took this pic...

And me waiting for her...well she actually took this pic but when I see it I think of it in that sense.

2006-11-08T18:14:00.000-08:00

Written November 8, 2006

I remember the first kiss,
The anticipation,
The taste of your hot breath
...your soft lips.

In the park in the dark...we shared a secret.
That fence, your face, you command me.

Waking you with a kiss,
A kiss met with a smile I'll never forget.

My skin, my lips, my fingertips...
...Miss your skin...your lips...your fingertips.

That last night we slept with the light on,
I wanted you to be my first sight.

You're the voice in my head,
You're the love in my heart,
You're the love of my life.

You melt me still from thousands of miles away.
I'm going to find a way through this distance,
Nothing but the thought of you is keeping me clear.
Thank you.

??

2006-11-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

So my Lainey stumbled across this song by Justincase called "Any Day Now (Megan's song)". http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=47092781 I found that to be too coincidental...I mean, the title alone and especially after reading the lyrics. I had to ask her if she wrote those words and somehow put them on the lyric site as a joke just because of a few things.

There's a girl I want to be mine
I want to have her all the time
I'm gonna let her see what's here
And make sure she'll always be near
We laugh about Snickers Bars
She's gonna be a T.V. star
Out of style is just her type
And that's whey I could be right

Chorus: Any day now
In some old fashioned way
I'm gonna let her know
Her profile makes me smile(I'm gonna make her smile)

She likes to shop and she loves her ring
One day I'm gonna take her skiing
You know we can always have fun
If it means we have to run
She can't help but say things twice
I can't help but say things twice
Dr. Seuss, she likes to read him
She likes listening to Atheneaum

Chorus x2

I hope you heard this song and it did not make you mad
I hope you heard this song I hope you love this song

Chorus

Finally finished it.

2006-11-05T20:41:00.000-08:00

Written October 24, 2006 - November 5, 2006

I'm outside Baby, watching you
Depending on your memory to get me through.

These cigarettes I smoke are no need of mine
I just feel a connection with you, they bring me closer every time.

With you I'm content yet restless to fit everything and every word in.
I long for the day when we don't have to say "good-bye" and our life together can truly begin.

Hearing the rain fall, feeling the drops, it magnifies this pain,
'Cause living without you girl, is making me insane.

I can barely remember when living was just living and survival didn't depend on you.
It's your sweet voice and love urging me on, without them I'd never make it through.

I miss you in my arms where I felt I could keep you warm and safe forever.
But the dirt we took changed it all, just know that I'm still yours here and now, come what may, always, and wherever.

The time we had was never our's but we took it and spent it well.
I wish I had you here to hold tight and kiss 'cause without you Baby, even heaven is hell.

I love you.

All I need

2006-11-05T14:24:00.000-08:00

Side note...I noticed I've just hit 94 posts for this year which is a tie for how many I had last year...found it interesting...sorry...carry on.

"Like all escapists, I sometimes get lost in long moments of silence." Yeah, that'd be me too...borrowed that line from the book I have yet to finish, but I'm getting there.

Last night I went to the mall to see Saw III...dude...what a mind fuck. Best of the three that are out so far...not to hint that they're may be a fourth in the works... Movies like that just...get to me in a way that just numbs me but not fully, and terrifies the crap out of me.

"What am I doing here, if you're not with me?/When gravity's pulling, you're still holding my heart."

So the two of you suggested I write more about each of you. Shall I flatter you with my words? I don't think they're enough you know cause the two of you are pretty much THE most important people in my life. If I only had the two of you I'd be just fine. I'm sure there are a few people out there who'd be a little hurt if they read this but, seriously, the two of you...my world.

Man, I thought it was hard enough knowing Stephanie and not being able to meet her cause of how far away she lives...but now with Elaina further away than Stephanie, I'm dying. I want to be on the east coast. I want to be able to meet Stephanie and convince her I am one of her bestest friends. I want to be living with Elaina letting her know every day that I'm not going anywhere unless she's there with me.

Seriously, Stephanie, you helped me through one of THE hardest times in my life and you're still there when I need you and I hope and pray you know I'm here for you. My only hope is that I can be half of the friend you've been to me. I know we've only "known" each other for a little over a year now but I feel like it's been longer (in a very good way mind you), you're an essential part of my life. I can't wait to meet you, I owe you a few hugs and a few kicks in the ass (I don't recall what for just yet so just know you deserve 'em :P ). I adore you. Also just noticed that on the fifth of November last year I posted a poem I wrote for you.

Elaina, my Lainey, my love you're with me wherever I go; on my mind and in my heart. I miss everything about you. I miss your head on my chest just listening to my heart beat. You've made me so much happier, though it kills me that we're so far apart, my life is so much brighter now that you're in it. You take my breath away. If we're not done taking dirt, well as long as you're with me and as long as you love me and I love you, we'll make it through. I'm so greatful to've met you and even more so that I have your love and I can give you mine. I love you so much, a lot, forever (eva)...with everything I am and everything I have. "I meant what I said when I said until my dying day."

"I'm holding onto you, holding onto me/Maybe it's all we got but it's all I need/You're all I need//And if all we've got is what no one can break/I know I love you, if that's all we can take//The tears are coming down/They're mixing with the rain/I know I love you, if that's all we can take."

I hope that works for you guys, I fear I'm not as good with my words as I'd like to be, as I once seem to have been. Love you's.

If there's a way I'll do it all for you

2006-11-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

Killing time before I head out for an evening of (hopefully) fun.

I think I'm finally getting used to my schedule as I seem incapable of sleeping until noon or later as was my old "habit".

It's been nasty out lately, rain and wind. While I do love the rain, I can't stand wind. Aside from the fact that the wind is cold and only makes it colder, I can't stand the idea of a possible power outage or how it messes with my internet signal and my phone reception. Eh, I'm a whiner and totally dependent upon electricity and electronic devices, I'm not afraid to admit to it.

I'm running out of words. I can't stand that I used to be able to write anything and so freely for that matter. Every time I'm paying attention to the words in a song all I can think, aside from who or what the songs make me think of, is, "damn, how in the world did someone write that, and how did they write it before me?"

So I've showered, my bed is made and my laundry's almost done, my bills are paid even...all two of them...rather productive Saturday, seems it's on schedule. Hopefully I'll get to squeeze a movie or two in this weekend.

I need ideas to write about. Thoughts, questions...geez...

It must be for real cause now I can feel.

2006-11-02T16:11:00.000-08:00

Homesick. I say homesick because she is my home. One thing I've noticed that I do over the years is when I find something or someone, or some people that I can call my own, I tend to say, "I wanna go home" even when I'm in my physical home...because I consider these things or these people my home...she's my home. She has my heart...home is where the heart is...so freaking corny, but also so freaking true.

On my way home it was pouring rain and was windy...but the sun was blaringly bright and in my face...makes driving difficult...but the outcome was a pretty rainbow in the darkened sky which I saw just as I was pulling onto my street. Made me think of you.

So on my breaks I read this book: Smashed Story of a Drunken Girlhood by Koren Zailckas. Every time I am walking back into the building I find myself narrating what I'm doing and what's going on around me the way Koren does in her book. (I walked into the bathroom at work and above each toilet is a sign that reads "Please be neat and wipe the seat." Sure it's clever and the sign has a cute picture...but why did they have to put it there? Wondering this makes me cringe.) This also makes me wish I could record my thoughts because by the time I get home they're gone.

I'm jealous of Stephanie's writing. It's real, it's what I've lost somehow, as if I don't think at all anymore.

I spend my breaks alone and I basically spend my lunch alone. I smoke in my car...but I'm hating smoking now. All it's ever been is a link to her and it will forever remain that to me, but now I don't feel like smoking unless I'm with her or occasionally on the phone with her. I won't get rid of my cigarettes but I think I'm done smoking. I'm quitting something I rarely do anyway...bit funny...but then technically I'm not really quitting. The taste has just been gross lately where I usually enjoy the flavor of the ones I have.

I used to think all the time...so now I just wonder what the hell I do all the time that's taking the place of thinking. Maybe it's all just thoughts that aren't worth holding onto, with the exception of my thoughts about her because those do stick with me and those are worth thinking but I know there has to be something else going on in my head.

I can't wait to move from here. I feel like if I can move, I can grow. It'll force me to find another job, it'll force me to adapt to a new environment and while all of that kind of stuff terrifies me, it's exciting and incredibly appealing. What I do miss is someone taking care of me and certain things for me. I mean you grow up depending on your parents, well in most cases at least. I feel I got kind of cheated in the sense that yes, my parents did encourage me to become independent and do things for myself...but mostly it was my mom just telling me what to do without ever really guiding me through...though in her defense I know as a teenager I wasn't really open to hearing that sort of thing let alone allowing her to show me how to go about doing things. Of course I'm aware that if I had been smart enough and humble enough, I would have asked for that sort of guidance...but I never knew I needed it. I was glad to have my step-dad's help with getting my car repaired. My own father didn't even offer up help in the way that Stan did. I'm just worried about having to take care of myself in the bigger ways that I'm not completely used to having to do it. Growing up blows massively...but there's always something shiny and bright pulling you forward making you forget that growing up sucks...but then, if you're me, there's always some huge downfall after you get far enough ahead that reminds you why you hate life. *sigh* I suppose that's enough for now. I know I have things to look forward to and that's what I'm going to attempt to keep my focus on. I'm getting out of this town, I'm going to be with her, my love. She's helped me grow already and I know she's going to be a driving force in my life helping me grow even more, especially since she won't allow me to be so hard on myself all the time and well, she makes me happy and I've never felt this happy...least not that I can remember, you know? There is actually a light out there, it's something I can easily see, as I've been in this dark pit for too many years.

I love you.

"Don't let the days go by"

Long time gone

2006-11-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

So hi. Been a while since I've used this blog for...blogging.

Today marked my three month anniversary of working at TSI. Yay me... There's really not much else going on in my world at the moment. I mark the days off of my calander waiting until December 26th when I get to pick my girlfriend up from the same airport I just said good-bye to her at...I think eleven days ago. Damn, it feels like it's been longer. I miss her, a lot.

I'm also actually very excited about my birthday this year. I plan on spending it in NC with her, my valentine...I'm going to have an actual valentine on Valentine's Day, a.k.a. my birthday.

I'm not quite sure how I felt about love before this...but now...I love it, I know that much. I can't say "I love you" enough ("those three words, they're said too much, they're not enough"). She has my heart. I love how it all just kind of fell into place.

At work a certain radio station is broadcast throughout the building(s) and they generally play music I know, like, and really don't mind listening to, so that works out...'cept when they play stuff that makes me miss her more. There are a few songs that I'm sick of hearing...some of them get played up to three times in the 8.5 hours I'm at work...that drives me nuts. "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter, "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" KT Tunstall, that one Bon Jovi song that there's also a version with a country singer, and "Live Like You're Dying" Tim McGraw...sick! of hearing them.

Well I'm cold and not feeling so well so I think I'm going to go now.

I miss you my love.*kiss*

2006-10-29T16:35:00.000-08:00

I miss my laptop. I miss being able to sit in my bed with it, miss being able to sit outside with it, and I miss being able to bring it in the car with me and use it as my not so convinient, temporary iPod.

I don't feel right. Sick of being in my own skin possibly. There are too many things I should have done, too many things I should have said, and more importantly too many things I should be.

I miss my girlfriend. Without her I don't feel complete and to me that's how it should feel with her as far away as she is. If you're with someone, I mean in the terms of "have a significant other" then they are what completes you. If you can function just fine without them, I applaud you.

I'm done with this town and from the looks of it, it's been done with me for a very long time. What am I supposed to do?

2006-10-24T22:11:00.000-07:00

Written October 24, 2006

I'm outside Baby, watching you
Depending on your memory to get me through.

These cigarettes I smoke are no need of mine
I just feel a connection with you, they bring me closer every time.

The time we had was never our's but we took it and spent it well.
I wish I had you here to hold tight and kiss 'cause without you Baby, even heaven is hell.

this is a major TBC (to be continued) but feel free to comment anyway

2006-10-07T01:49:00.000-07:00

"Did you know I miss you?"

You're not gone yet but I do miss you more than I've missed anyone before.
My first taste of something real, something I can grasp with my entire heart and soul and say, "this is mine, all mine, all for me".

I love you so much.

2006-10-01T03:54:00.000-07:00

Written October 1, 2006

I just woke up
And I realized I'm alone
For the millionth night in a row.

I can't promise you forever
But if there's a way to end this pain and have you back
I'm all for it.

The rational side of me is getting in the way
Pushing and shoving until I have to see
Telling me I have to wonder if this was meant to last.

I don't want to cut and run
This love wasn't meant for only fun
I can't promise you forever but for you I'd like to try.

This world's been so unkind
And life's just staring me down
I don't think it's fair, but my odds never looked good.

...maybe continued as well, who knows.

2006-09-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

It's you I would die for
You I pine for
You who holds the key

You make me feel brand new
Given my world a brighter hue

...to be continued, possibly.

2006-09-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

Written September 20, 2006

She's still angry
And I can't get over...
...the intensity in her eyes when I have to ask her to look at me
...the disappointed way she lets me know I've let her down...again.

It happened so quickly and I'm to blame
I can't escape the fault
But I'm forced to wonder why I gave little thought to...
...what was at stake, a promise I made
...anything beyond the want...the addiction.

Frustration and anger...
Just unresolved feelings toward myself.

A thoughtless coward
I let everything slide...
...in an instant of weakness and loss of judgement
...a moment I can't take back though I've tried.

She's making me wait
And I guess it's my fate for now
To be alone with my worst enemy...
...me.

"Cause you're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything...everything"

2006-09-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

"To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do"

"You're winning me over with everything you say
You rip my heart right out
You rip my heart right out
When I let you closer I only want you closer
You rip my heart right out
You rip my heart right out"

"August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodbye
You never know what temporal days may bring"

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to"

"We'll do it all, everything, on our own.
~~We don't need anything, or anyone~~.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.
Forget what we're told, before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life."

"All that I am, all that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where, confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all."

"I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here"

"Slower, slower
~~We don't have time for that~~
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess"

"I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind"

"find me here
and speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where I find peace again

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this yeah

you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now"

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury
or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer

The words are hushed let's not get busted
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered
Safe in here from all the stupid questions
"Hey did you get some?"... Man, that is so dumb
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear
So we can get some"

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want (you) to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

What money can buy...

2006-09-10T04:41:00.000-07:00

So, I've compiled a list of things I wanted to purchase and people I need to pay back. But now that I can't remember any of those, I'ma list the fun stuff.

A tattoo. Not sure where, I've wanted one on my lower back for ages. Probably a design of some sort, not words or a picture. I realize certain people think that's trashy...but seeing as I'm not a trashy person...is that even possible?

Possibly a piercing other than my ears of course. I'm thinking maybe my tongue but I so don't know.

Clothes and of course shoes.

"I'll buy a big house where we both could live."

Dogs, maybe one to start with, but at least two in the end. If they aren't both big dogs, one of them has to be at least. There's no way I'm getting just a tiny dog...no way. I don't care if it's a large dog who thinks it's a lapdog, that quality I love.

I suppose that's really it for now. Lol...you'd think it'd be a longer list...but...money doesn't buy happiness ~~such a fucking lie~~ and I am apparently not too hard to please.

Forbidden.

2006-09-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

One day it won't be about age, race, gender, upbringing. One day it won't be about rumors, heresay, and suspicions. One day it will be about what you can see, what you experience, what you know yourself. It will be about the person, the good in the person, the love given to and received from the person.

I wish I could say, "don't judge a book by it's cover" just for the simple, "read it your damn self" idea of it all, but I know there are times I read a book because it was recommended. I suppose in a way that could be chalked up to "rumors" and "heresay"?

I've never felt so...I'm not sure what the word is actually. I already had a major issue that needs work, an issue I've been...absent about...but this, this fucking takes the cake.

Before and After

2006-09-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

Let's keep in mind that no body work was done, least not in shop body work. My step-dad did clean it up a bit and put a piece back on. And of course the tire rotation put the wheel in the back instead of in the front...wouldn't matter much, he cleaned that up after the rotation, too.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

The World Spins Madly On

2006-09-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

Something real, hopefully not a rant or anything crazy, just me and my laptop and my thoughts.

The sky is pale...hint of pink in the clouds, not quite as cotton candy like as they were a few evenings ago, but pretty nonetheless.

Today was a good day though all I really did was work. It dragged on, I was tired, got something like 4 hours of sleep last night and only a bit more than that the night before but somehow I didn't once feel like I was going to fall asleep at work (thankfully). The hours did drag on and on though, but that's how the week's been for the most part. I'm exhausted and rightly so but I'm doing all right.

I want to write, I suppose my post last night was a bit of a poem...but not too sure, I suppose that's up to me ultimately. I remember a year ago feeling the same damn way, frustrated that I couldn't write and that everything seemed so repetitive, but we'll see, I wrote a few lines a few nights ago and maybe they'll turn into something when I devote time to them.

Work's slowed me down a whole lot, I suppose when you spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (occasional overtime as well) stuck somewhere it would slow everything down. The job's good and I'm good at it, heck, my supervisor is still trying to get me a raise already and it's only been a month today (you're not technically even up for the option of a raise until after 90 days, but there's still a chance for me I guess).

My car...my step-dad has actually been taking care of that for me for the most part. Jacked it up and looked at it to see if he knew what damage was done, something about a control arm being bent so one of my wheels was tilted slightly. He even called to speak to the guy we were going to go through for repairs to see if I'd brought it by, later went and talked to the guy after he gave his estimate and ideas on what needed to be done, basically just did what I needed someone to do for me - he stepped in and graciously helped. The last two days he's taken me to and picked me up from work, got up early and everything. Even took it in to get aligned and tires rotated today...now all I have to do is get the windshield replaced (wasn't damaged in the accident of course, those who know me know this already lol).

My mom did chew me out when she first found out about the accident, saying things like, "maybe you shouldn't be allowed to drive" and shit like that, tearing me to shreds and when I couldn't take it anymore, when I felt like a huge child I told asked her if she didn't think I wasn't already pissed off at myself that it even happened...then my cellphone lost the signal and I was afraid she'd think I hung up on her so of course I had to call back and make sure she understood I hadn't...her tone was sweeter, can always count on her to turn so quickly. In all fairness, the very first thing she said after I answered my phone was, "are you okay?" so I can't fault her right off at least. Didn't speak to her until a week later and she talked to me normal, better even, discussed what needed to be done for the car and insurance and all that fun stuff but it went really well...surprisingly.

Hoping to be getting new glasses soon. I only have glasses for reading but they've been the wrong prescription for years and I don't always wear them when I should...*shrugs*. Not sure what style I'm going for now. I kind of want plastic frames but who knows guess I'll have to see what I like and what I look good in? Suggestions?

I want bigger and better things for myself. I deserve bigger and better things...will I allow myself these things? Will I push myself to go after them? God, I hope so.

I'm happy, things could improve in a few areas, but I'm happy. Relieved.

I love you all, just so you know...well you guys all know who you are...if you're some random reader...well there's a good chance that if I knew you I could love you...but this isn't really meant towards you occasional random readers, sorry.

2006-08-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

I just want to know, is that too much to ask?

I want to know what's going through your head,
What's got you teary eyed and detached.

I want to know what's going on with them,
What's got them not loving me when I say I love them.

I suppose I've got no legs to stand on.
I can be just as silent, just as unresponsive.

I'm the one to blame for this madness?

You'll tell me when you're ready, I know that,
I hope that...I want that.

I never said I was done.
It never once crossed my fucking mind.
I feel like you're telling me we are.
I feel like you got together and decided neither of you would respond.
I know what you must think of me, how you must feel about me.

I don't understand anything anymore. It's been a fucking year. I've grown, I finally have a job, got my first car accident out of the way...

How did I leave with nothing? Why does it feel like none of it happened? Why do I feel like this is a fucking ritual? I mean...us not talking...it's like a year ago...when we weren't talking.

Fucking phantom limbs.
Fucking SUVs ~~and blind ass retards who don't fucking see them in the other lane.~~
Fucking dirt taking bullshit...there should be no dirt about this!
Fucking no response cause you don't deserve one!

~~FUCK.~~

2006-08-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

Slightly intoximicated, feeling like karma's a fucking bitch...and well...just sad. In a "scared of crying" mood cause I don't want to be alone and crying hurts.

Wishing I were rich so I could solve a few problems and live how I want to, free of all this bullshit.

Can't wait to have my hair cut, can't wait for people to stop fucking assuming shit, can't wait for...things.

Thanks for changing your name.

If a picture's worth a thousand words...how many kick me's is this worth?

2006-08-16T16:28:00.000-07:00

No one was hurt, but I'm kinda wishing I were dead.

Good friend? Or maybe the world's shittiest person?

2006-08-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

So, long time ago I used to pride myself on being a good friend. I was a loyal companion (better than a dog though, I'd like to think) and everything else there ever could be good about a friend. I felt this way up until...mmm...maybe about a year ago when I felt like I betrayed/abandoned all my friends (only three friends...eh, only?!). So this past year I felt like I was becoming the kind of friend I used to be, if not better, smarter about things at least...with the exception of a few minor arguments and very, very rare blowouts everything was going smoothly till about the time I got a job. Now I'm not blaming it all on the job mind you, though I'm sure I did in the beginning but only cause it was the only cause I could think of, not just an excuse.

I know I should be addressing this entire thought to a few very important people, but it's easier for me to show my shame openly apparently. Maybe somewhere deep down I feel like this might redeem me a little, if at all *shrugs* I don't know.

Work is part of it. The first few days, maybe the first week, I felt pretty good, still felt like a pretty awesome, gung-ho friend. This is where I get confused with things and possibly ruin an important friendship. I think I need/needed some sort of break. Something calm and just allowing (not sure if that's going to make sense, I'm doing the best I can).

I met someone and we became fast friends, the closest I've ever gotten to any of my friends in such a short amount of time. She is in no way a replacement for my posse or any member of my posse. I'm in no way done with my posse or any member of said posse. I love you guys so much and I am presently showing it in the worst possible way, I know. The thing I'm so confused about is how the hell did I go from so great with my friends to not even having a full desire to hang out with them? I know the job hasn't quite forced me to grow up, but...did I somehow subconsciously decide I need a break from my friends? My best friends at that?

This new friend...we consider ourselves twins, there's so much we have in common from the flavor of gum we love to how we feel about most things, I mean I've had a lot of similarities with friends that's always bound to happen but this time, I feel as if I've found my double. Yes, it's a new relationship and new relationships sometimes cause us to shy away from everyone else, but I'm worried about where it'll lead. There's no one to blame but myself. I know this. No one in my posse did anything wrong and neither did my new friend. I'm not managing this the best way possible, I'm just sitting back and watching it happen, hoping some clue will pop up for me to follow and that's the most absurd, unfair thing to do to any of my friends, shit, to anyone.

I'm not through with you guys and I'm not sure if that made anything any clearer or what. I love the two of you more than I've been showing lately. All I can do is ask for time and I'm not sure I deserve that. If you're mad at me, you have every right so...don't doubt that (I'm not saying that to get an "I'm not mad at you" out of this, but you tend to question your emotions on occasion...lol...I think we all question your emotions sometimes :P). I know you're hurt by me and I hate that and I'm sorry for that.

I love you two, I'll come around, I promise. You deserve better, you deserve none of this. cloven hoof...

2006-08-04T02:53:00.000-07:00

I'd forgotten I had this, forgot I took it even. I'm sorry, but I adore this picture and the subject...no, I'm not refering to the hi-hat. You're beautiful.

2006-08-03T02:10:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid...

... of losing.

2006-08-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

So, I survived another day, my second day of real work in my entire life. My arm is killing me from yesterday though, and just my tricep on my right arm. A nerve must be pinched in my arm cause my thumb, index finger, middle finger and half of my ring finger have been tingling all freaking day. If the tip of my thumb gets bumped, intense tingle...it's freaking insane and incredibly annoying...and only a slight bit terrifying.

I'm incredibly tired, so much so that my friends think I'm high (seriously folks, no drugs were harmed in the surviving of this day). It's my own doing though, well that and I'm operating on an incredibly bizarre schedule, least to my body and mind it's bizarre...to think, I did it this way so I could keep my social life...night owl by nature, it would have been tons wiser to pick the night shift, but...considering I'd never see anyone...I bit the bullet and took days. Course that is also my fault, I'm the one who'd die without them, I mean...gah, they'd probably say they'd die without me, but my point is, it was my choice, I'm the one who felt desperate at the thought of no real hang time with my friends...course there still would have been the weekends...what the hell?? Eh, no point thinking on it now.

Let's just hope my hand stops tingling cause it's not the greatest sensation in the world.

Watched Mean Creek with my peeps tonight, good movie, sad, but good...not sad in the chick flick sort of way, that's a promise I can make.

WAAAAAAAAH-POW the Cloven Hoof strikes once more!...(with feeling)

2006-08-02T01:34:00.000-07:00

So, first day wasn't bad at all...didn't fall asleep until after 3am and had to be up by 7am something...and I'm still awake lol...

Stripped a few screws...but all's well.

So I put some things together for a company called Zonar...programmed some boards (circuit boards) and yeah...my supervisor said I'm doing very well...

Yeah, I don't want to work anymore lol...but, I've already spent my first paycheck in my head.

2006-07-31T01:03:00.000-07:00

New red hair...

Last two pics are a tad bright, sorry.

(Look at that cowlick just sticking out there...)

Man, I need a hair cut.

2006-07-30T04:23:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd just let you all know I got the job for sure, I start Tuesday morning.

So my group:

The girl who knew too much (but we love her more)
The boy with no tongue (but a lot of heart)
The boy who was meant to be (but he's a McTard...forgive me)

and

me (brand x...they're freckles...apparently they're a curse)

Nobody hurt me, I hurt myself...still.

2006-07-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

It kills me that I don't feel the things I remember, it all feels so damn dream like.
As if I was in a coma and I'm just now waking, that this year was me reacquainting myself with the world.
~~I knew him, he knew me.~~
I try to force it all back into reality.
I should feel it ~~feel him, feel her~~ but there's nothing there.
All those years, they're just gone.
All these tears, they're all I've got.
There's no documenting any of it and if I don't feel the memories then what is there to hold onto?

They were real, IT was real, we existed.
Now they exist, life moves on, I waste away.

You know enough about it. No matter what though, no amount of knowledge could ever bring you close to being there - NONE. So no matter how many times I go on and on about it, you can only sit there and nod your damn heads, feign interest, feign concern - I'm in it ~~STILL~~. I'll never get out of my own fucking head.

Apparently it takes me at least one year to process the real brutal shit. Yeah, yeah pat me on the back I got away - from what?? You don't know, you can't tell me.

Won't you just fucking see me?
See and know that I'm falling apart, that I need to be rescued?
That it's easier to be strong and take care of you than sit around and wait for someone to do it for me??

What you're seeing, it's not what you're getting.

**Theme music to all this bullshit - "Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace**

Grazie mille.

2006-07-24T01:55:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday I went on a job interview for a company called TSI (Technical services Inc.). The interview went real well. The company puts circuit boards together and they've got three companies that they put whole products together for as opposed to just making circuit boards.

The woman who interviewed me had me do a mock circuit board, I had to copy the example circuit board as quickly as possible, some of the pieces have to be put in facing certain ways, other than that I just had to get it done. There were about 10 pieces, one was incredibly tiny. She'd given me a pair of pliers but said I could use my fingers if I preferred. Didn't need the pliers at all, not even with the little piece which she pointed out afterwards that she'd never seen anyone put that piece in without the pliers. She seemed shocked at how quickly I'd finished because she said I didn't even look rushed but I'd done a great job and a quick one as well. She said that it was too bad they didn't have an opening in that part of assembly at the time.

She said that she needed to find a few other people to fill some positions but that she really wanted to hire me, not an, "I want to hire you, but..." kind of thing either. I left feeling rather confident.

On Friday I gave her a call back to see if the positions had been filled and she informed me that they had but there was going to be another opening on the 24th but that the company hadn't decided if they wanted to hire internally or find someone new so she said she'd find that out and call me back. Turns out she still wants to hire me and thinks I'd have more fun in whatever position is opening.

I'm nervous as all get out. I'm afraid of her calling tomorrow and saying I've got the job for sure. You'd think I'd be more worried about her not calling, or calling to let me know she doesn't have a place for me. I'm so terrified that I would even back down from the job, decline when she says I'm hired, I'm not stupid enough to do that, but it's been a thought in the back of my mind.

Now, she might not call tomorrow cause she's not sure how soon they're looking to fill the spot, it could be the next day, it could be a few days after that.

Why the fuck am I so scared? Time to stop thinking about it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been really hot here the last few days, was about 90 degrees F at around 5/6pm yesterday. This is a tad odd for us here because August is usually when we experience our hot weather. I've been dying from the heat, but at the same time I'm loving it. Although, my mom's house, which is almost always too cold, is holding so much heat. We've got every window open and a few fans running. This is definitely hot to us western Washington folk, and I'm going to make it a point to acknowledge the fact that I know it's hotter in quite a few other states as well. Sleeping's been harder to do with this heat cause I have to sleep with covers on or I feel naked in a way. Just a sheet over me will not do it, there has to be something I can feel, something heavy-like.

Went swimming yesterday and today and both times we didn't go until the evening which around here would be a stupid thing to do cause it would be cold and pointless but, the water's been great. I started swimming lessons at the age of 3 so I like to think I can swim decently. Over the years though I've given myself a bit of a fear of water, the idea of something grabbing me and pulling me under...all that jazz (hehe, I used to panic about climbing out of the pool, afraid some invisible thing was going to grab my feet as I climbed out. I imagine that anyone who saw me climbing out in a panicked rush got quite a show), not to mention my ears have pressure issues or did anyway whenever I tried to touch the bottom of the 12 foot pool. Well today I tried to get below the surface of the water and swim as far as I could on the one breath. Usually that kind of thing terrifies me, especially in murky lake water, but today I did well. Found out my lung capacity blows massively and that I'm so not in shape. I need more endurance.

Enough with the boring time to sleep I think.

WARNING: long blog ahead

2006-07-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

I'm convinced that whoever thought up yard work was really bored at the time. I spent nearly 3 hours raking grass at my dad's house yesterday so I had tons of thinking time even in my exhausted state. It's so goddamn repetitive. The breakdown: Someone cuts the grass, rakes it into a pile (or whatever else) sometimes having to rake it to one spot in order to rake it to another, the grass grows, the grass gets cut, the grass gets raked...WTF!!!?? Even though it's a very redundant task...it's the kind of thing I enjoy doing, at first, or if anything just every so often.

I'm plaguing myself with doubts of how the future is going to turn out. I listen intently to songs and there are things sung that seem so...good...and I get to thinking that what I'm hearing is everyday stuff that I could write. Just tonight I came up with something good but I can make nothing of it, can't take it any further. I tend to write these ideas down more often than not, but they just sit there awaiting completion, an ending that may never come and I can't stand that. I realize there are going to be times where something just can't be finished, but when it becomes a constant...what do I do then? Resign myself to the idea that I won't write anything worthy of my approval ever again?

There are several reasons I feel explain why I haven't really blogged in awhile. One of the ideas is that I'm afraid to say what I might have to say. Worried that people will read and take undue offense, but at the same time, the idea of sharing myself with anyone (through blog form) appeals to me.

Another idea is that I can't even form a single thought. That maybe I really don't have anything worth saying, nothing intellectual, no great insight into anything, much less myself.

I love doing things or saying things or wearing things that have people saying, "you're so cute!" or "you're so adorable!" I mean that in the least egotistical way...I'm going to attempt to explain. I'd much rather hear that I'm adorable as opposed to "you're hot". I'm not comfortable with people saying I'm hot, or I'm beautiful...of course now it sounds as if I hear that all the time...but seriously, and I'm sure those who know me get what I'm saying, on the rare occasions that someone's said that about me...it honestly doesn't feel like a compliment. I really don't know how to make this clear. I feel special and loved and all warm fuzzy when I hear "you're adorable." But when I hear "you're beautiful" it just doesn't feel as if it applies to me...maybe that's it...maybe I feel like they're lying, or that they're saying it cause they feel they have to because in my head I don't feel beautiful... See, there it was, one of my intellectual moments I suppose... I don't like hearing that I'm beautiful because I don't feel like I am. Although now I'm stuck because I don't feel that I'm adorable either, I just feel...here...normal...plain... I have no idea.

I don't entertain grand ideas for too long because I've been disappointed and it's easier to plan for the negative than the positive.

I told someone today that they should lower their standards in a soulmate. Why the hell would I say that??? You should never have to lower your standards, should never feel that you have to. You should always, always strive for what you want...but in the back of my head I'm saying, "strive for what you want but be prepared for disappointment" or in the case of the "lower your standards" conversation...I'm thinking, "prepare to never find the one person who's meant for you".

Too often tonight I said things that had me feeling like a stupid fool of a person...it only struck me because that's not how our dynamic usually works.

Wow, omg, just realized something (apparently my ability to over analyze hasn't fully disappeared). I've come into another group where there was a strong bond between two people, and unintentionally turned the duo into a trio...and torn it all to shreds...or caused it all to crumble at least...~~fuck me~~.

Okay, now I've made my head hurt, time to do something simpler.

I'm 24 and I still have a blankie (though no, I don't always call it a blankie, I am more mature than that, most times). I'm convinced that it has something to do with me being a child, grandchild and who knows how much further back, of an addict. Or maybe it's a stability, comfort kind of thing.

I believe in God but I'm not religious. I grew up going to a Catholic church (most of the time forced, what kid wants to sit in church?), was baptized Catholic... There was also a time in my life when my mom became a Mormon and so I was around that religion a bit, was actually forced into attending the LDS (Latter Day Saints...technical name for the mormons...I think) church, was also forced to participate in a family prayer every night before going to bed (forced by my then step-father) if I fought it I was threatened with being grounded.

Punishments I've endured: soap in the mouth, even up until middle school age, my bedroom door has been taken off (middle school and high school age), phone privileges taken away, restricted to a certain time limit, removed from my room...

I don't believe in forcing religion on anyone, informing them about it if they want to hear is always a good idea, in my opinion, but religion by force just doesn't bode well. Discriminating people because of their religion is such a ludicrous idea. I believe in God, if you do too, that's cool, if you don't that's cool too. I'm not even meaning that in a "hey if you don't believe that's fine, but when you wind up damned to hell, don't blame me" kind of way, it's just a simple, "fine, you don't believe, let's move on." Bashing my religion or my beliefs just because you don't believe the same is beyond uncalled for, it's offensive to me. Note: that's not directed at you at all, because we've discussed this, I know better.

I often scare myself with the thought of "what if so and so dies?" but only with people who I consider close to me. I've determined that if my brother (who is younger) were to die I'd be beyond devastated, I think there are at least three other people (my friends) who are very nearly in that category.

I'm usually a neat freak. Sometimes a chaotic room puts me in panic attack mode and just overwhelms me. There are so many places I'd love to clean or organize but part of me worries it would offend when I want to do it just because, not I want to do it because I think someone is a slob. I used to clean my brother's room, my cousins's rooms, used to do a thorough organization of C and C's (the kids I used to "nanny" for) rooms all the time. I get that from my dad...though I'll admit I'm also a slight pack rat which I get from my mom who's far more than a slight pack rat.

When I'm asleep I don't want to wake up, when I'm awake I don't want to go to sleep.

I can ride a bike, two wheels no less...which is probably implied since "bike" is a shortened form of "bicycle" which obviously means two wheels.

I can whistle.

I played softball in the 4th grade in a city league. Centerfield more than anything. Was put in as catcher once...that really didn't work out. I've also played short-stop but only for one part of one game. I was a benchwarmer and I was harassed about this at school.

I ran track in 7th and 8th grade...I wasn't very good. The hardest thing I ran was the 400m. In the 8th grade breathing while I was exerted seemed to become difficult. I think I might have some type of asthma but the doctors I saw later in life found no asthma. I still love the idea of running, especially great distances, but whenever I try to make it a reality I wind up feeling near death within five minutes.

I started TaeKwonDo the summer before my senior year of high school. On our belt ranking system I am (or was) a low-red belt. {System goes as follows, lowest to highest: White, Low-Yellow, Yellow (or High-yellow), Low-Green, Green, Low-Blue, Blue, Low-Red, Red, Recommended Black Belt, 1st Degree Black Belt...and so on} While doing a warm-up I did a kick and landed wrong causing me to sprain my ankle which caused me to be unable to train for awhile... When I first started TKD I made a decision that it was going to be something I followed through with, after I sprained my ankle and couldn't train for a bit I found it hard to get back into the routine of it all and eventually started taking "breaks" more often. A few problems arose and now I no longer train at all.

While training in TKD I learned some ju-jitsu...grappling (not sure if they're meant to be one in the same or not). I wasn't much for learning actual moves I much preferred just going at it and doing whatever I could not to be the one submitting. I used to be rather wiley (sp?) and monkey like. (no, none of that was meant in a sexual way as I'm sure it could appear.)

I hate being hurt, but more than anything I hate knowing I've caused anyone to hurt, offended anyone...even if they're my enemy or anything close to an enemy. I want too much to please everyone and make everyone happy. I'm afraid to commit to certain things because I worry that I'll get to a point where I want to back out but will be too chicken to do so, even when I know it's necessary.

I suppose that's enough for now? I could probably go on and on, surprisingly. Could just make this a "to be continued" sort of thing...whatever.

I think I'm in a bad frame of mind, and it's slipping lower. I want to be rescued. I think my existance is pointless. I feel that the people around me are disappointed in me, or that I will eventually disappoint them - I think they're all better off without me and should run in the opposite direction of me.

2006-07-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

Another me song...to a guy obviously, of all the versions though I think I prefer the one with the Dixie Chicks.

But I have this song stuck in my head, Cody does an amazing job with it as well.

I promise this won't be what my posts are entirely about, but at the moment I'm not in a position to blog in full...I'm not even sure what I'd blog about.

2006-07-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

He thinks this song is for me.

I think this is one of my songs.

2006-07-13T00:42:00.000-07:00

Today I asked McKenzie if she ever heard a song and thought something along the lines of, "That's me. If someone I know heard it, they'd think that's Megan."

I've got so much music I could put together a compilation for almost every moment in my life. There are songs I hear that when I'm with someone and the song plays at just the right moment I wonder, "Is he hearing these words and thinking of how they apply to this very situation?"

The only one that's popping into my head at the moment is "Touche" by Godsmack. In my previous relationship, he always thought along the lines of, "fine, if she's going to do that, then I'm going to do it back to her." This song makes me think he'd be singing it to me.

I know there are so many other songs and so many other feelings tied to them, the list would be too intense, not to mention too frustrating to attempt to put together.

And dude, rainbows. WTF?! Why the hell does a rainbow have to signify gay pride? Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with anyone in particular for this, but some pretty refractions of light in the sky...something kids love to draw, something people love to believe has a pot of gold at the end...is the gay pride symbol???!!! You're not supposed to care what others think, this I know, and we all know it's a crock cause almost all of us do care, but I don't want to be thought of as gay if I have a sticker or anything with a rainbow on it. This could also be taken as me thinking it's an offensive thing to be mistaken or accused of being gay, but it's simply me not wanting to be judged cause rainbows are fucking awesome.

And if life could be anything like the movie The Matrix, I want to be able to link up to a computer and have anything and everything there is to know about computers and numerous other things downloaded into my brain so that I just know these things without having to take a class or learn any other way. Amen. *sharp nod*

Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.

2006-07-11T23:48:00.000-07:00

You want a movie that'll make you think? Schindler's List.

As I was watching this movie, thoughts popped into my head, which is incredibly annoying cause when these kind of thoughts pop up, I let them play out. Why's this irritating? It's irritating because I get a good flow going and I try my damnedest to remember key parts of the thought so I can write it down later...the unfortunate thing is, this rarely works.

Everything, at it's core, is pointless, it's all just redundant idiocy.

I have such respect for human kind. The thought of killing someone because you don't like them, because they're this color or they practice this religion, or they look different from what you think they should look like, etc. It's all so fucking insane, it makes me hate, no, let me rephrase cause I can hear my dad now, "it doesn't make you do anything." He'd be right, it causes me to feel hate...which, if you think on it too hard, makes me just as bad though it looks as if it's better.

Back to everything is pointless...

War, pointless at the core. What's war for? To show power, to control, to dominate (yes I realize these are basically the same things but they're in my head so they're getting put down), to conquer, to claim that which isn't yours to make it into your own? Once you've "accomplished" your goal, there you are...feared, revered, admired, hated...either way, what's the fucking point? You don't have enough so you take more, nothing is ever going to satisfy the need to have everything.

Life, pointless at the core. What's the point of life? To exist, to make a mark, to do some good, to learn and grow? After all that, you're dead, sure, you might get remembered for doing something monumental, but who fucking cares? I'm not being suicidal, I'm not saying I'd rather just sit around cause I'm just going to die sooner or later.

I know, this is a downer post and I know there are so many other standpoints, other views, but this is what's in my head, this is what's real to me. I'm uneducated on most things, such as the current war, maybe I'm stupid for not want to be educated in this matter *shrugs*, I don't know. I'm not happy that people are dying for a cause I'm uneducated about, I'm not happy that one day some people hijacked our planes and caused the deaths of so many people.

I know this is how the world works, I'm not saying that's right mind you, I would never say that. All I can do, all anyone can do is his or her part, good or bad, to change the outcome, good or bad, either way, we are all going to die. Maybe your name and memory live on, maybe they don't.

I don't know anymore. I feel as if this post is all over the place, I can't keep going, I've said my piece.

The significance of the girl in the red coat, the only color in the film...this topic has been stuck in my head ever since I had to write a paper on it back in middle school (possibly high school). I do know the true meaning, well Schindler's meaning anyway, but I'm afraid that at this moment, I've got nothing for it either.

2006-06-26T02:37:00.000-07:00

I can't do this.
I can't be awake, not awake and alone.
I can't be here without someone to catch me when I fall.

I need to be treated tenderly.
I need to be held just to know someone's there.

2006-06-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

You never knowingly watched a loved one die;
Their life dwindling.
Recognition fleeting and fading from their eyes
To be replaced with an empty look of hate.
Hate because you're the adult now and she's the child,
Hate because you're smart enough to know what she's seeing isn't really there.

You think I'd be smart enough to know it's not her anymore
But as long as she's still breathing
And her heart's still beating, she's still there.

You never knowingly watched your family fall apart;
Tearing each other to shreds over nothing.
There's no rest for the wicked or the dying.
Your own flesh and blood, her daughters, rob her blind,
There'll be nothing left to divide, no reason to carry out her will when death does come.

You never knowingly watched your mother suffer
Hidden behind the facade of strength.
Her responsibilities piling on and weighing on her mind and body.
The hatred and love showing in every frustrated sigh.
You never watched her sign an order of "do not resuscitate" at her mother's request with a straight face.

You never forgive yourself for wanting it to end
Even though she's prayed for the same, day after day.
She's abandoned me, I've abandoned her.
You've never felt the sting of saying I love you and giving a kiss
To someone who returns neither and by choice.

All I've got now are memories,
The good are slowly being replaced with all of this bullshit.
Because I can't walk away and wait for it to end,
I can't leave my mom to deal with all of this alone
Especially when she's worried she'll suffer the same fate.

2006-06-19T03:15:00.000-07:00

Would drugs help me? Maybe they'd change or remove this fear in me that prevents me from doing what I need to do.

I'm fucking sick of feeling as though I have something to say but the second I have the opportunity to write or speak...there's nothing there. I don't have anything special to say to anyone so I'm wondering what the point is.

Music's all I've got. I can't seem to write anymore, fuck singing, and fuck being surrounded by the people I care about, I know it can't happen and I feel that it's selfish to want it as badly as I do.

There is no warmth in this empty space.

I'm done for now, this is all fucked...is it really wise/safe to allow people like me to blog at this hour?

2006-06-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a girl just needs to be rescued,
From herself, from her life.

"I want someone to know me...maybe tell me who I am"

2006-06-15T04:20:00.000-07:00

I'll admit I sort of stole the idea from Cody, but then again, I know it's been done before. My reasoning might be different from his though. I don't know what else to say other than there are tons more I could list if I really wanted to go any further.

"If this is what it takes
Just to lie with my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through"

"Hey, I want to crawl out of my skin
Apologize for all my sins
All the things I should have said to you
Hey, I can't make it go away
Over and over in my brain again
All the things I should have said to you"

"You don't wanna be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
And you don't wanna look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out
All this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
And it did because of me"

"All your insides fall to pieces
You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you
You'll be the one screaming out"

"One more day that I've survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind I'm doing fine
I'm breathing on my own."

"And it's always little things
That to the surface brings
The comfort in the pain
The fear behind the smile
We lose along the way
The things we leave behind
Along the precipice
Of things we should not climb
And I'm the first in line

There's an anchor around my heart
Dragging me down
Behind the waves in silence I fall
There's a halo above my head
Spinning me 'round
'Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead
A dagger in my hand
Bleeding me dry"

"Hushed with a finger
Don't say you'll never when you might
Or just another time
This poison comes instruction free
Do what you want, but I'm drinking"

"Crashing down was my biggest mistake
I never ever meant to hurt you
I only did what I had to"

"I keep a journal of memories
Feeling lonely I can't breathe
Fall to pieces I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling"

"I am nothing more than a little boy (girl) inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
Cause I talk to you like children
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right isn't feel
Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said"

"I always fail to see the little things in front of me
The things that mean so much to you
A way to let you know
That I appreciate the way you always tolerate
But sometimes when I medicate
Frusteration in you shows me how you feel"

"A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself"

"That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good whether with or without you"

"Mom why love me if you're cold
You'll just get bitter then grow old
Ask me when I start to weep
Then I'll tell you in my sleep
Why I sing my lullaby"

"Well I always say, it would be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this aching
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you, I'll just hang"

"Help me, comfort me
Stop me from feeling what I'm feeling now"

2006-06-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

Is it bad that I want to get the shit kicked out of me?

2006-06-11T01:38:00.000-07:00

Just saw a Johnson's Soothing Naturals lotion commercial...guys holding babies is freaking hot!

Southern accents are still really hot too.

Weirdo

2006-06-10T17:10:00.000-07:00

I want simplicity...but I don't want everything easy. Does that even make sense?

The simplest of things make me happy most times. I mean I actually enjoy yard work like mowing the lawn, trimming bushes... When my dad moved into his first house after the divorce I was the only one willing to help him (something he still brings up to people) move railroad ties that he used for his landscaping and those mothers are heavy. We also had to shovel and haul river rock for his landscaping as well, now that was some painstaking work. This kind of work has just always been a part of me. I grew up doing it at my grandparent's, heck, I was the one who found the really ancient push lawn mower...the kind with no engine...and it was made out of wood making it a heavy thing. I asked my grandma if I could use it and from then on I kept the back yard mowed with it lol. I like being able to do things that I can see my progress and look back and be proud of, even if it's something anyone can do. I'm a weirdo.

I'm a neat freak as well though I'll admit that there are times when I don't take care of my own area but I know I'm not the only one who has that issue. I get a tad claustrophobic and panic in really messy places. I don't mind organized messes though. I mean here at my mom's house she's got a few rooms that are in chaos and I've gone through one and all I had to do was stack stuff up and move a few things around and it's still a bit cramped but at least it looks neater and if we need it, the bed is no longer being used for storing my mom's crap. Other people's messes bother me but not in a, "wow, they're such slobs manner". Most times I just feel like I want to clean up there stuff for them, and not in an insulting way, I mean I'd thoroughly enjoy it, but I have a feeling tons of people would be insulted and embarrassed by that. When I was younger I used to clean my brother's room for him. All he had to do was sit on his bed playing his Gameboy or whatever and I'd say "keep" or "get rid of" with things. I taught him a new way of folding his close... I used to go to my cousin's house and do the same. Now their rooms were REAL bad and they always got really annoyed that I wanted to clean their rooms...*sigh* oh well. My dad still brags that at night I'd clean my room *shakes head and giggles* oh what a weird child I was.

2006-06-07T01:30:00.000-07:00

(What happened to the mood I was in earlier? That post below this seems so far away.)

I'm sitting here, with all these pent up feelings. The only problem is, I don't know what these feelings are. I'm upset, I know they're not happy feelings. I don't know what I'm upset about. I feel as though if I were to just have a good cry I'd be fine. I'm frustrated that I can't write more than a few lines. I've been having great times with my friends lately so that's not an issue. Hell, if anything I panic when I know our time together is going to be over for the day or whatever. I've gotten a few really good e-mails. I'm alive, I'm fine, I just can't be happy.

I'm sitting here, knowing that if I were to pick up my mouse right now and throw it at the wall as hard as I can and watch it shatter I'd feel good about it. I want to punch the walls the way I used to but I'm not upset enough to do it without thinking and without it hurting right away. I want to get a baseball bat and smash the hell out of everything...but of course, at the same time I don't want to. The repercussions of smashing all my shit to pieces would be...devastating. Part of me wants to make a playlist of all the songs that fit my mood right now, put on some headphones and scream along with them until I'm hoarse...but I never get that far. The list never gets made, my voice never fades from me.

I'm sitting here wondering why I'm sitting here. Why the hell don't I just up and join some branch of the military and get away from everything? I mean it'd solve the, "I don't have a job" problem and I'd have to get in shape, I mean come on, boot camp isn't going to be easy. Apparently I'm all about the easy way out. Of course there's a far easier way of getting away from things huh? But if I failed at that I'd have a million and one people wanting to kill me themselves. I feel as though I could ball myself up and just lay on the floor forever. But what's the point? What's the point of anything?

We keep talking about all these, "when we're famous" moments. When am I ever really going to be famous? What the hell am I going to be famous for? Following you around? I mean come on, I don't really want fame, I mean I could care less if I'm famous or not. I want fame for you, you're two of the what, five most important people in my life. I want everything good for you and nothing, I mean nothing could change that. But with no money, no job, nothing to me aside from my car (and a few rescue missions)...I feel as though I have nothing to offer (I know you'll correct me on this, but forgive me, I still don't see it). What's the fucking appeal? Don't get me wrong, this post has nothing to do with this paragraph, I mean this post wasn't brought about by some deep seeded feelings that are being portrayed in this paragraph. This is my brain draining. I need to know for a fact I'm not a burden to you guys. I need to know you're not tired of me needing to be around. I know you'd probably lie even if I were but I don't want the lie, even if the truth could hurt, I don't want to ruin anything. Our friendship, twisted as it can be, is at the moment, the most important thing in my life.

This is me paranoid about whatever future I'm going to have. I want money, no matter what, money fixes shit, certainly not everything and it can't buy happiness, well not completely. Money...it would help me help people I care about. It would relax so many things so that focus could be put on more important issues so to speak. Fuck that...I just don't know, fuck it.

Maybe my body's just rebelling against me. I mean I've seen pain change people from docile one moment to pissed the hell off for no fucking reason in seconds. My back and neck have been bothering me off and on, causing headaches, tension, you name it. I didn't really notice it or think much of it until the last few nights. Maybe I am just insane. I sign on to WoW now more often to just not feel alone. I don't feel like sleeping, I just stay online hoping someone will be there just so I don't have to feel alone, most times I don't even have to know the person, just so I know someone is there.

You miss spooning. Fuck, I miss spooning. I miss someone loving me and showing it every moment of every day. I'm a superficial bitch though. I have to know what you look like, I have to know that even though I'm attracted to everything else about you, I need to be sure I'm attracted to the physical you, even just the tiniest fucking bit. And that pisses me off, looks aren't everything, I think I'm ugly, fugly even, but I have to be attracted to someone to even begin to be comfortable to confessing how head over heels someone makes me just by calling me "beautiful". I'm an unimaginable bitch for being that way. You say I'm sweet, but what kind of sweet girl feels this way? What kind of sweet girl would drop everything if the guy isn't a touch attractive to her? I don't need a drop dead gorgeous hunk of a man, I know I'm not that superficial, I'm not asking for any sort of perfection, 'cept maybe the perfect guy for me, but fuck, why? (Of course I know if I find the right guy even if he's not a 'drop dead gorgeous hunk of a man' to everyone else, he will be to me.) I've got it in my head that there's no way anyone who could possibly be attractive in any way would be attracted to me. I've seen a picture of you, nothing recent, nothing with a normal expression...just not enough...but I know you're cute, but who would be attracted to me? I don't get it. I fucking hate that. Same goes for this paragraph, this post isn't based off of it either. But I'm a chicken shit, so instead of saying it to your face or privately, it's here, for the world to view, forgive me for that. I so don't want to hurt you, I couldn't imagine hurting you, I hate hurting anyone.

Who's tired of hearing the same old shit from me? I've shut up, I don't drown my friends in my bullshit anymore cause it's repetitive and it's nonsense and hell, most of the time it doesn't cross my mind until I'm alone with myself. Yeah, I need a job, but a job isn't going to fix me.

When am I going to learn to live on my own? To live without needing someone? It's nobody's job to fix me, nobody but me of course and I'm liable to break myself more.

Could someone just scoop me up and hold me, hold me till I'm exhausted and fall asleep with you there? It almost happened, sleep almost came to me first, what do I do wrong?

"Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about somebody else
It's best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good"

Don't Worry McKenzie, I'm All Cooled Down Now...

2006-06-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today marks the second day in a row I spent part of my day at Deception Pass. Cody and I have been there three times in the last two days and it rocks more than I realized when I was a kid. Cody took a ton of pics which I wish I had access to, but until he gets his ass in gear, the two he sent me earlier today will have to do.

Just so you know McKenzie, I wish you could have been there. And not only am I all cooled down...I'm way past numb...in all the wrong places... Turns out, swimming in the ocean (Pacific...Puget Sound to be percise) isn't so smart at this time of year or well any I'm sure, it'll be fucking cold no matter what...but it rocked anyway, even got Cody to come in. Well I mean him seeing me in the water or something got him in the mood to do it too.

Couldn't totally help it. I've been swimming since I was about 3 years old. When I see huge bodies of water all I want to do is swim. Not that I really swam...Cody wouldn't allow me to go too far on account of the current being insanely strong...and everytime I got anywhere near putting my head in the water I'd start shaking.

Pics from yesterday, well some for now...

2006-05-31T15:46:00.000-07:00

I give up on the dog.
He's not mine,
Not yours, mine...ours.
I'm not something familiar and missed,
I'm something new and terrifying,
Something to scare the piss out of him.

The reunion wasn't sweet and breathless,
Just frustration and a mess.
He wouldn't even look at me,
Too scared of the stranger who knew his name.
The treats were unrewarding,
My soft voice unable to soothe or control.
He just sat there full of fear
And I full of confirmation that it's over.

I'd hoped he'd help me
Slow the spiral of change,
Remind me of the importance.

8 signs (just cause it's all I can think of for now)

2006-05-31T00:09:00.000-07:00

Signs that the world keeps turning, life does go on, and they can survive without you (the moment you realize you're the only one still mourning)

The dog you loved (and was considered an outdoor only dog) now gets to come into the house, all the time.

You're informed you are no longer "mom" to said dog.

The kids get bigger and smarter.

They replace everything you knew, including the house.

All of the things you used to do are things anyone could do (you are replaceable).

They aren't calling you begging to know where something is, how to do something, or what to do without you.

They can still breathe, which means they're alive...so you wonder how it is that you're still alive.

When a picture of the puppy formerly known as your puppy makes you break down in regret and yearning.

I'm certainly not wishing they couldn't live without me, I'm glad that they can...it's just one of those facts that takes you aback, something you keep denying to yourself and secretly hope for, but not... I'm not really foolish to think they don't still hurt, cause I know they do, but I of course feel that I hurt more, but I doubt I do, they just have actual lives to go back to, I have to restart mine.

It's exactly like mourning a loss, I guess they're done mourning.

Fun times.

2006-05-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

So, I'm home, safe and sound. Spent Friday evening all the way to Sunday early afternoon camping at good ole Fort Casey's camping area. As requested it only rained at night after we'd gone to bed, with the slight exception of a bit of drizzle this Sunday morn.

Our water's back on, has been since Friday night I guess. Either way, I'm incredibly grateful, spending a few days without a shower is tolerable but not necessarily something I enjoy. Wish I'd taken pictures of my outdoor excursions, perhaps I'll find some to link before I post.

Got tackled a few times all over a tennis ball but ya know, I miss that kind of pointless fun. Flew a kite ("let's go fly a kite up to the highest height..."), managed to keep it flying from the fort all the way back to our campsite (tougher than it sounds). Ran up and down the steep grass covered hill (I swear it was almost vertical) on the right side of one of the batteries (side of this battery I think: Battery Seymour), tried to kick the soccer ball I brought up to the top where Mips was sitting. We thought the batteries were fall out shelters as a sign in one had said. Mips made me walk through one with her. You have to understand there are no working lights in any part of the fort, and not much is open to the public anymore, much less than what was open when I was kid. No one ever died at the fort (least not that I know of), it was never used in any war or anything. Either way, it still creeps me out walking through any part of the fort where you can't see daylight directly ahead of you and have that darkness at your back.

Yesterday evening we walked along the beach after dinner as the tide was coming in. Mips decided it would be a good idea to take our shoes off, stand on some driftwood, and let the waves splash on our feet. Well for one, she's a chicken, and after a wave finally hit high enough to touch our feet she screamed the whole time the water was rushing over us. For two, she didn't roll her pant legs up enough so to get her to put her shoes back on I had to suggest I strip down to my shorts and she put my properly rolled up pants on in place of hers. This was all highly entertaining, especially since I gave up on standing on the log as a lot of the waves were barely coming close to touching us but she just stood there waiting. A few more large waves came and she kept begging me to come stand with her, but I just sat back grinning at how cute she was being, like some little kid...so not in a bad way.

Later on we went up to the main part of the fort with head-lamps (ya know the dorky ass but rather handy flashlights you wear on your head...hands free yay for us). This is where the real fun began. Park rules, no one in the fort after dusk... what fun is that?

Well, when we first got to the fort we noticed a park ranger telling a group of people it was time to leave the park, or so we assumed as we weren't close enough to hear the conversation but did notice the group disperse. Here's where the fun begins. Evading the rangers...dun dun... We hid out of view of the ranger's car and waited to see where he'd go and a few minutes later we heard someone in a vehicle powering through the walkway below us. I crept out of hiding to see who and where this person was. I had originally thought it was the ranger in his car but it turned out to be someone in a John Deere utility cart. The path this guy was taking was unclear, I did assume however that he might continue along the path below us and then circle up and around to the path up where we were so we had to move fast if my assumption was right. We crouched down wedged between a wall and some prickly bushes until we realized I had been correct. Hid in the shadows just under the two slats of cement ceiling you see in this pic. We had to move again just in case and fast out of sight in some alcove type area just out of sight of where the picture was taken...it got real exciting, well until my thigh cramped then it was only exciting. After the ranger in the cart passed us we waited. It got quiet we came out of hiding moved around...heard the cart again! The ranger was making another pass this time with lights. Back into hiding, but we heard the cart stop and freaked out thinking maybe this time he'd get out of the cart. Ran off into the grass trying to act as if we had come up from the beach and were walking back to camp. We aren't sure if the ranger saw us or not, either way, he left us alone and went about his search. Eventually we heard him leave and ran back up, watched some boats pass, caught our breath, walked around a bit more, heard the cart on occasion and hid, but all in all, made it back to camp well after dusk feeling rather proud of ourselves for not getting caught. I live for that kind of running around, hiding in the grass, acting like someone's after us kind of fun. Sure, I was incredibly paranoid that we'd get caught the second time around and get yelled at cause it would be rather obvious that we'd hidden from the rangers, but no matter we had fun. Spent an hour in my car cooling down and talking.

Camping with my dad isn't really just camping. I'll say we weren't roughing it but we weren't being too spoiled. I don't consider it camping if you're in a camper or an RV, we were in tents, covered well by tarps, with our sleeping bags and air pads (not quite an air mattress that's too spoiled). My dad made mac & cheese with cheddarwurst (my fave) the first night, french toast and sausage Saturday for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch, steak, salad and wild rice for dinner, smores of course, and Sunday's breakfast was pancakes and bacon...I think I eat better camping with my dad than I do living in my mom's house...that's just sad.

Awesome time had by all even though my dad had broken his baby toe Thursday night in Karate and couldn't do much but hobble 'round camp. If any of you are interested, more pictures of the fort can be found here.

Water Works

2006-05-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, this is, at this point, the only excitement in my life...oh and an opportunity to take pictures not involving me (well maybe my toes but that's it).

So I expect the water bill will be quite high at home this next month... Seems I discovered a leak. Thursday I noticed a puddle outside where there had never been one, not even on the rainiest of days and I traced it to a slowly trickling stream come out of my mom's front flower garden. As this leak was nowhere near the hose I decided I should call my mom. Well the plumber finally came out and said that we did indeed have a leak. My mom and step dad have dug a huge hole, the city has shut off our water (I miss our water already), and we've found the line... Now, to dig more, turn our water back on and find the damn leak.

Pictures...

I'll tell you, I think it's a damn good thing I found it, it might have gone on unnoticed because my mom and step dad don't use the front door, they go in and out through the garage usually. I'm not even a hundred percent certain of why I actually noticed the puddle. I mean sure, it was abnormal, but how many things do we overlook in our day to day lives? Eh, attention to detail perhaps, or just a subtle change in my world but a change nonetheless and I'm not one to like too much change lol.

Guess it's a good thing I'm going camping this weekend, won't have to worry about trying to use the sink and stuff much like you attempt to turn on the lights when the power has gone out.

Hope everyone stays safe this weekend, pray we get very little rain here in the great northwest please and thank you.

2006-05-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, for some odd reason, when I hear a Harry Nilsson song (which isn't often at all) I am reminded of some cartoon I saw when I was really, really young, before elementary school I'm sure. And all I can remember is it's about a boy who lives in a place where everyone has a point, I mean like a point on their head, much like the coneheads (only for visual purposes), except for the boy, he had to wear a hat much like a dunce's cap. And then I can't remember if he had to leave cause he didn't have a pointy head or left because he felt embarassed. Either way, Harry Nilsson did the music for the movie and Ringo Starr was the narrator and the movie was done in 1971...and titled The Point. Very weird that it stuck with me, well the music I mean, just Harry's style I suppose reminded me of the music in the movie.

It's really strange what sticks with us. I mean how in the world can I connect Harry Nilsson's music with anything if I don't listen to his stuff at all, well with the exception of when I put iTunes on random.

The song that triggered it for me was "Everybody's Talkin'" which is on the Forrest Gump soundtrack. But he's got quite a few songs on the You've Got Mail soundtrack which do the same.

2006-05-25T00:08:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid I used to get up in the middle of the night and clean my room. Or, when I was sent to my room I used to clean it then as well even though that wasn't part of my punishment. Sometimes in the middle of the night I'd get out of bed scared that my heart wasn't beating anymore and I'd bust out my little Fisher Price docter kit and find the stethoscope just to make sure it was still beating.

In my middle school/high school days I used to try to convince myself that I was in a coma and had been for a really long time and one day I'd wake up and everything would be so much better.

I'll never grow up. That's not me being defiant or avoiding anything in any way shape or form. I honestly feel that I'll be stuck in this mentality forever.

This weekend I'm going camping with my dad and my step-mom and bringing my friend along. She didn't get to do all the camping and stuff like I was raised with so it's a treat for her. This is all assuming my dad is able to get a site. Anyway, I'm looking for this weekend to be a fuck all, do whatever, whenever, however you need to. I want to have fun, I want to be relaxed, I don't want to think beyond day to day necessary thinking. It's a long weekend so...well everyday may as well be part of a weekend for me I suppose. I just want to let go of everything because I feel like I've hit that brick wall.

Is it weird that I want to beat someone up? No one in particular, least not at this moment. If I could, I'd beat myself up. Punching and kicking a punching bag just doesn't have the right effect. I want to do damage, and see it and feel it. I'm sure that's rather unhealthy, but I'd probably only ever beat anyone up if they were attacking me or someone I care about.

I think I'm just going to cuddle up with my very well loved blanket (let's not mince words...it's my blankie, I still have my blankie) and a book, as a very good friend suggested. It's as numb as I can get right now. I'll cling to my ability to be adorable and I'll just be.

Peace.

2006-05-21T02:38:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like it happened, but it did. I need to feel like it existed like it happened, like I was there. Sure there were bad times, but goddamn it all to hell, there were good times too. That was my family for almost six years.

I fucking miss burying my face into someone's back, into someone's chest, just to have that comfort. They don't even have to hold me, they don't even have to touch me aside from the contact I make with them, I just fucking miss it.

I haven't really blogged in awhile and I miss that too.

And, totally unrelated to the above...just wrote this, literally just. I'm amazed by it...hope that's not wrong...

Here with me pressed against your chest
Breathing in, breathing out
A heartbeat to set the pace

Gently run your hands across my face
Cast the spell that calms and soothes

Every curve I fit
A mold that holds me safely in place

Tender sighs let me know I'm alive
Surrender to something deep and renewing

All the world, it fades away
All the haunts from my day
Hold me close and I will know
You are my home
I am home

2006-05-08T22:27:00.000-07:00

I'm going to post this here then move it later, seems easier that way.

My alibi is clear, my mind is not.
I've been here with the pill,
Writhing on the floor,
Broken to the core,
Shaking with uncertainty.

Time is short, the pain it fits.
I'm flirting with the edge,
What I get may be more than I bargained for.
Darkened skies and dampened eyes,
I'm wearing this disguise.
Convinced nothing else will work.

I'll be the one to die tonight,
Just relax and let yourself breathe.
My emotions will amplify,
This high spawns from my own disease.
It's all been torn apart and discarded,
You will have your time to grieve.

The pieces of this broken night
Remind me when I cry
That the time I had, the love you felt,
Was always a lie.

Your words, well meant,
Are wasted in this argument.

Run away but never leave.

An obvious sign?

2006-05-05T00:55:00.000-07:00

So I don't usually remember a lot of my dreams and there are moments when, for no reason at all, I see a flash of a dream from the night before. Let me build this up a bit...last night I had a weird little anxiety type attack for no reason, I mean I wasn't thinking of anything in particular to bring it about...well anyway, today I had a flash of a dream.

In my dream it was night time and I was in my car driving. A pitch black night, I had to drive slowly and carefully cause no matter what I did, I had no headlights. I mean I tried turning them on, and usually my radio and climate control crap lights up when you turn on the headlights, they didn't even light up either.

Think it's a sign?

2006-04-30T23:05:00.000-07:00

Haven't blogged in a while it seems, and I miss it. Such a dry spell, rather, a lack of things to talk about. I can't even get more than one line of poetry done anymore either. I have so many bits and pieces it's overwhelming and quickly takes the urge to write out of me.

Just got done watching my Sunday night show, Grey's Anatomy. I love this show. When it was over in my head all I could think about was, "that was a good episode...I wish I had watched it with someone." I don't watch TV with anyone anymore with the exception of watching House with McKenzie and her mom a new "habit/ritual". It occured to me why I'm not so interested in watching TV anymore...I don't have anyone to watch with me. I love being able to watch something funny and look at people's faces to see his or her reaction. I have absolutely no idea why. I've done it all my life it seems, but only noticed it semi-recently. And then there are times when you just want to comment and discuss things you saw together. When I was in Cali with my brother and his girlfriend the three of us watched Grey's. I guess usually my brother doesn't watch those shows, but his girlfriend does and it was awesome to just be able to talk to her about the show...who we like, who we don't, what we want to see happen...normal things...a tiny conversation about a show that isn't actually important...but what it does for me is important, at least when I watch with someone else. I only recently started watching House and partly cause I got hooked, but it's just now occuring to me that I watch it because, a) I know for a fact someone I see a lot of the time watches it so if I want I can discuss it with her, and b) most Friday nights I watch it with McKenzie and her mom so I get that whole "reaction" thing. Just realized how watching people's reactions makes me sound really creepy which in turn makes me feel like I'm creepy. But then again, it just shows more of how I enjoy seeing and making other people happy and in turn it makes me happy. Still creepy though huh?

Michael, I know you watch it to, but damn it, different time zones and all...oh plus the fact that we aren't watching it together and the even bigger fact of you not being online so much anymore...makes it hard...but I'll take what I can get I suppose...so...dude, I totally hate Alex...asshole...and...even though I hated her in the beginning and love her now...I don't want McDreamy's wife and McDreamy to stay together I want him and Meredith back!

And on a huge note...totally unrelated to anything else I've said in this post...

When and if I have kids, I'd be worried about having more than one because the first child might get/feel neglected...and I'd hate for them to feel the way I do...as though I was the guinea pig...I wouldn't want to have only one child though, cause there's always that chance of them being a spoiled brat past the age where children know how to get what they want. Still though, there's always the chance that I won't make a good mother. Looking back I am remembering the two kids I used to babysit then became the "nanny" for. They were pretty much the same age difference my brother and I are, even the same situation...girl was older, boy was younger. I know for a fact I favored the boy, new him when he was only a few months old and his sister was 3ish. She reminded me a lot of myself and naturally we butted heads a lot...and I noticed too much of my dad (the way he used to be) in myself, in my words, in my tone/voice...I hated it while I was doing it, and looking back on it, I hate it even more. They were and still remain awesome kids, very well behaved, hell I think my brother and I were as well, I know we could have turned out a whole lot worse than we did...especially compared to how my cousins were/are. Oh well, I just don't want to be the way my dad used to be and I don't want to be the way I was to the girl I used to babysit...and then I feel like in my head I'll judge myself and say, "sure, it was okay to fuck someone else's child up but not your own, you fucking hypocrite!" I'm too hard on myself I'm sure, but until I figure out a better way of keeping myself in check, I suppose it's going to have to do. Shure, I'm more docile and quiet than I was back then...but what if it all comes back...I went from being a puppy dog follower/easily controlled/dominated person (before moving in with my friend and her family) to controlling (while I lived with them) right on back to docile/follower type...though not as easily pushed around (after living with them). I hated being pushed around...but I turned into what I hated...eh, I think you get the idea...

Done rambling, I hope.

2006-04-20T01:35:00.000-07:00

Damn it...I know companies and advertising people have the pure and simple goal of making things appeal to us, making us want and need things...but come on! "Hey let's make alchohol more appealing!" Let's make this diet pill convince weak minded people that it will not only cause them to lose weight, but, it'll make your hair, skin, and nails healthier! Please! Now of course I mean nothing offensive by refering to us as "weak minded people," but let's face it, a lot of us are. Commericals play to our weaknesses, appeal to our vanity. I know none of this is new, and I know I'm not the only one outraged by these types of things. I'm a huge fan of the "truth" commercials. Hell I know a ton of people realize and know the risks of smoking and drinking, and all those other nasties that are out there...I also know it's incrediby difficult to quit anything like this...that's where advertisers have it even easier...they don't have to do much convincing with products that we're all hooked on anyway.

There are kids out there who know more than I do, not only is that sad and embarassing, it's outragously unnecessary. I'm all for educating kids so they know what not to do, and repeating "don't smoke, don't do this or that" cause yeah, I didn't listen, but I did. I watched my grandma died from lung cancer years after she quit smoking...too late. A lot of people have died because of his or her addiction(s)...we are so fucking ourselves over. We know, but we can't stop.

Gah! And now I act as if advertisers and big companies aren't human too...they're doing what they need to do to survive. They're playing on their own weaknesses too, they know what works cause they are us and we are them...ugh...I exhaust myself!

I dunno, sorry for the outburst...might not happen again...nah, it probably will.

I need to go watch cartoons now

Some pics

2006-04-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

13 pixie sticks...

13 pixie sticks in my mouth.

And the bird...Phoebe...who loves my mom and my brother...even though I'm the one who feeds her...well, when neither of them are around and that's a lot.

And, once my friends give me approval that I keep forgetting to ask for...I want to post a few of the pics of them I've taken.

2006-04-12T02:36:00.000-07:00

A pill to make me numb
A pill to make me dumb
A pill to make me anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won’t save me from myself

that I would be loved even when I numb myself

Me at the moment

2006-04-11T06:49:00.000-07:00

THAT I WOULD BE GOOD
by Alanis Morissette

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good whether with or without you

Where memory takes over...hell yes I'm bitter...

2006-04-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

...but I'll survive.

(Blogger's spellchecker screwed up a few words so if by chance there are a few melded words, extra letters at the end of words, or anything else that looks out of place...it's Blogger's fault and I got tired of re-reading and fixing.)

I've been going through a lot of the pictures that I've taken on my digital camera. Recently I took a few of places/things that are important to me, that have changed from how I wish to remember them. A few years back I had intended to take a bunch of pictures of everything about the farm that was significant to me, I waited too long; never ever hesitate on moments like this. Just in case it gets confusing, the description for each picture is under the picture. One more thing, whenever I say "we" or "us" I am talking about the five grandchildren; from youngest to oldest: my cousin Lucas, my brother Ryan, my cousin Veronica, my cousin Rachel, and myself. Our mother's are sisters and the farm we "grew up" on belonged to our maternal grandparents who live/lived near us here in Washington.

This is a poorly shot picture of the house my parents built...less than a year before they got divorced. Neither of them could afford to keep it so it was sold. The new owners (don't know how many owners had it after us) added the shop that you see in the back right of the picture (light colored building). The grass wasn't ever there [we weren't there long enough to grow any grass aside from on the "mound"(our septic tank which that shop was built on)], neither was the fence or those pretty trees next to the house...and the house was painted (same color as the shop), not wood paneled.

What you see now is what's left of Nana's (my grandma's) garden...nothing. What I can remember her growing were potatoes, little tiny ones. We used to have to chase the chickens out of the garden for Nana all the time because they dug up the potatoes. She also grew corn, sunflowers, poppies (we used to pick them after the petals were gone, let the "shells" dry out, then shake the seeds out and sprinkle them everywhere), carrots, squash, pumpkins, and she even had a rather large raspberry bush. There used to be two stacks of hay bails, one on either side of the side entrance to the garden. One year Nana turned them into "boats" for us; girls got one, boys got the other (not actual boats or even a boat shape, she just planted it in our minds and we went with it).

On the right is the house (used to be pink, gag me), to the left is the covered patio, and right smack-dab in the middle is where you see the skeleton of our old playhouse. My aunt, not the backstabbing-bitch, but I will admit she is a bitch as well, tore the playhouse, swing-set, and swinging bridge apart, added that metal gate and fencing so that her five bouviers (breed of dog) had a yard. Papa (grandpa), two uncles, and I think my dad built that playhouse for us. There was a fireman's pole and tire-ladder that lead to and from the upper level of the playhouse. A swinging rope-ladder, and climbing rope were on one of the sides, both leading to nothing but a beam but were still fun to climb on nonetheless. My brother once fell backward off one of the regular ladders that led to the top section. He tried to brace his fall and broke his wrist, just a little fun fact. Half of the bottom section of the playhouse had a sandbox, which was enclosed when we weren't playing in it because there were cats on the farm...you can imagine where that would have led had there been no cover. Course the cover didn't keep pincer bugs out... As I mentioned there was a swinging bridge as well, how many kids can brag about having one of those growing up? There was even a swing-set that sort of matched the playhouse, far better than one of those store bought plastic/metal ones.

This is one of two barns on the farm. I can remember it being full of hay, up to the rafters. We used to climb all the way up, when allowed of course, had we fallen we would have been greeted by a long drop to the cement floor or, if there was room, the back of Papa's truck. Our parents and aunts used to take a couple trucks and collect bailed hay from fields Papa cut that belonged to other people (I'm unclear on this, but it was either bought or traded for Papa cutting it all, I don't know for sure). It was something we always wanted to go and help with, but of course we were not strong enough, nor fast enough, and however helpful we might have intended to be, we'd only be in the way. To the left of this barn (facing it, as in the picture) was an enclosure for the sheep.

This is the second of the barns. Those cars were never there and the roof of course hadn't collapsed (that happened a few years ago). In fact right in front of that barn is where one of the bulls was enclosed, his name was Rover and at some point he became dinner, well several dinners of very, very tough beef. In between the two barns was another enclosed area for one bull (Rex, Rover's daddy, as we were told anyway) and two cows (Momma Cow, Rover's Mom, duh!, and Rover's sister-we didn't give her a name). Two the right of this barn was a huge enclosed area where maybe a dozen of cattle roamed. Not sure why there were three separate places but oh well. I remember the electric fencing and touching it lol, several times. There were two huge water troughs which coy, or maybe just goldfish, were kept to keep the water from getting too nasty. We used to hop in the bed of Papa's truck to take bails of hay to the cattle in the big enclosure and each of us was taught how to "tie up" the bailing twine, not a difficult task.

This is Papa's final resting place. I'm not sure how many of my relatives actually visit, and I'm pretty sure no one other than my friends know of my occasional visits. As you can see we don't do much upkeep, but we should, and since I'm pretty sure no one will, that "we" is going to have to be me. I loved him, he was my hero, he died just 13 days after my 12th birthday. Here's a short poem (about Papa) that I wrote way back when I first started writing poetry:

Papa

The unspoken words and fading memories
Have left me feeling empty inside.
The things I wish I had said or had done
Have left me wondering.
Your face isn't so clear to me anymore,
Your big hands and wonderful smile also fade.
I wish I could climb into your big lap,
I wish you could hold me in your arms.
I loved and adored you, why didn't I tell you?
You were always there and suddenly you were gone.

And this is my ex-uncle's final resting place. I say ex-uncle because my aunt (yes this time I'referringng to the backstabbing bitch, my mom's youngest sister) divorced him probably about a year before his death. Since he wasn't part of my family by blood, I have dubbed him "ex-uncle" though I believe this is the first time I've ever thought of him as my "ex-uncle". He is the father of my three cousins I mentioned in the beginning. For those of you who didn't notice the "deathday" of both Papa and my uncle...my uncle committed suicide less than a month after Papa died. As far as I know Papa's death was not in any way part of the reason for my uncle's suicide. My uncle was a police officer in town, I'm pretty sure he was depressed from the divorce (and now that I'm grown up and now how my aunt can be, I'm pretty sure she made his life a living hell, or more of one at least, after the divorce). Ah, the knowledge that comes with age...I would give some of it up.

This is MuuMuu's (my paternal granmother, as I named her, affectionately, because she always wore muu-muus that my mom made for her) final resting place. As you can see, she's in a wall...a huge wall, which is now full on the inside of thcemeteryry and soon to be full on the outside. Think I mentioned how it's possibly the second largest military cemetery...second to Arlington. My paternal grandparents live in California.

At the moment I'm in bizarre state of mind. The kind where I feel the next step is, well best described as, "angry-sad, emotional movie scene" mind-set. The one in which the character breaks shit, throws things around, can't feel any physical damage done to them. It starts off angry and fades to angry-sad leaving said character in a heaping pile on the floor/ground, body shaking from sobbing, a blubbering pile of nothing...ah, emotion.

Either I'm not close enough to the state of mind in which I could care less about breaking my own things and destroying my mom's house, or I just don't feel like being found this way and having to explain things.

It's hard to remember these places and people in their prime. Memories have been skewed a bit and new "stories" have been introduced to me that have changed how my memories should be. Luckily even these few pictures here of places time has forgotten manage to spark some good memories for me. I knew things would fade from me, and I understand, but I'm sure everyone has moments where you just have to dwell on old times, rummage through your mental pictures. One day, after Nana passes I will get ahold of every picture possible, especially those from before my mom was even born. I'm worried that when this day does come I may never see any of those pictures. A huge family falling out is inevitable, fights will occur, despite Nana's will, over who gets what. Even though my money-grubbing aunts, and possibly my mom will fight over the many valuable antiques and such, I know that out of spite, one of them will get their hands on the photos, which are probably worth absolutely nothing money-wise, and I'll never get a chance to see them. After Papa died, the shit hit the fan, as most of you know, but when Nana dies, the world will end. This isn't just a matter of me looking at only the dark side, this is me looking at what I know will happen, in fact, I am probably picturing it the best possible way it could play out...I've seen how this family operates and it ain't pretty.

Ah, hell, why don't I end this with a poem I wrote about my childhood with my cousins (also written back in my earlier poetry days, please ignore the blatant misuse of comas...):

Childhood

Running through the field,
Making up worlds of our own,
Day after day,
Kittens and truck rides,
Cooking and cartoons,
Rain or shine, the world was our own,
Treats and smiles,
Giggles from our bellies,
A nap in the afternoon,
Toys and costumes,
Who shall we be today?
Picnics in the sun,
Trips to the beach,
Remember the lion?
Sandcastles surrounded by pebbles,
Nets and 10cent butterflies,
Climbing apple trees,
Hay-bail forts,
Sweet raspberries tickling our tongues,
Baby animals stealing our attention,
String cheese and squeeze pops,
The shoe on the fence,
Summers from our past,
Gone but not forgotten.

Mancala boards and crackfaces...these are a few of my favorite things...

2006-04-04T23:37:00.000-07:00

*for those of you not in the know, "Mancala board" will be explained in due time, and "crack face" is a MSN messenger emote.

So, it's been awhile...how is everyone? Adjusted to the new month and time change yet? Hope so, there's nothing like writing the wrong date on your papers and such. I suppose it's even worse when you actually write "2/4/2006" instead of "4/4/2006". Yeah, that's right, not only did I use the wrong month, I went back to the one before last.

Lately I've been having rather anxiety ridden days, but in intervals. Like primarily when I think about the things that cause me anxiety. Yeah, cause when I'm thinking about anxiety causing issues, I'm totally calm (note: that last sentence was said in sarcasm)...glad I could give you two explanations that you probably didn't need....anywho....almost vibrated myself into "puke mode" (no that's not a reference to a dildo, I meant that I couldn't stop moving). And I probably could have cried all day. Something must be in the air, because not only was I miserable, the only people I'm around on a constant basis were miserable too, but it wasn't me bringing them down. I suppose we're just getting more and more in sync (I almost spelled that as 'Nsync, curse you Nsync for screwing with my words. And why the hell did they name themselves 'Nsyc? I mean I'm sure it has something to do with them singing in sync, but damn that's a lowsy name. Gah, more tangents, I'm so good at straying). Continuing on (hope you weren't looking for the short story)... It's as if we're in sync with each other much like women who live together (omg I almost said to getter WTF, it's not even a word I have to think about but I manage to screw it up, Bravo!) women who live together get in sync with each other (I'm hoping you all know what I'm getting at cause I so don't feel like describing it further). Somehow we fixed ourselves, but bandaids don't last for very long and we'll probably pick at the scab. Wow, I don't even know where that came from.

On to the good times! Tonight we decided to take a trip to the mall so that we could find the new Placebo album that we're all dying to hear. One problem, we didn't leave town until 8pm and even though we knew that the mall was going to be closed at 9pm (it's basically a 45 minute drive, give or take)...we headed there anyway. So, no new cd. Reminds me of the time we went to the Green Day concert and stood in the wrong, seeminly endless line for a very very long time, only to be told we were at the wrong door... *another sidenote, isn't it odd how when you're the last person in a long line you feel totally better when other people fill in behind you? It's like "gee, I sure am glad we aren't last anymore", even though no matter what, we're still going to have to wait forever.

So, we went to Red Robin had some shakes and fries, and Cody had a burger (as if it's imperative for you to know this). It was awesome, I'm fairly certain that we appeared to be high. Nearly endless moments of laughter, french fries in milkshakes (McKenzie you're weird), and non-stop "let's insult the hell out of each other" moments; we do that so well. Red Robin has some great advertising. They had a menu card with this phrase, "Consume the shrooms...(there was more to it but I don't remember it)". I was crazy insane before our trip even started. I can't seem to function properly if I spend almost the whole day alone, or at least not interacting with people, regardless of the fact that I've been chilling with my homies most days, you think that'd hold me over. Sad thing, there's nothing about my "alone" day that's worth discussing with anyone, yet somehow I wind up talking non-stop.

Tonight was just one of those moments that you want to keep with you always (there's a song in there somewhere. I mean, that line could be used to fashion a poem/song, not that it made me think of an already sung song). Got to keep those moments around just in case you'll never have them again. I loved every minute of it, even the "Mancala board" incidents, they're what keep us all together, if we had nothing but "Mancala board" moments, it would at least give us something in common. By the way "Mancala board" moments is basically our new term for insulting and bashing each other mercilessly, but I'm pretty sure it's a term reserved only for bashing me...it's actually hilarious and tolerable as long as no one is in "broken down emo kid" mode.

OMG, not only do I talk too much, apparently I "write" too much...I know this won't be any problem for Stephanie, in fact I'm sure she'll enjoy it. Stephanie you speed reader you!

So yeah, anxiety about not being financially secure. I still have no job and now I have a very nearly empty bank account. I do want a job, but I'm scared to death of not having time for friends. It's rather hard for me (the money issue). Usually I'm the one saying, "if you don't have enough money for that energy drink, I'll get it, just pick one out." But now, I feel like a mooch. So Cody, thank you very much for paying for that tank of gas and for taking us out for some treats. It meant a lot. Means even more to me that you two won't let me worry about taking from you, like it's no sweat, that's what friends do. And thank you McKenzie for being the one buying me the energy drinks. You guys are good to me, even in the "Mancala board" moments. As long as we are laughing at those moments I'll know I'm safe and loved by you guys.

We are endless.
We are hopeless and copeless.
But we make it okay.

2006-03-27T23:59:00.000-08:00

New poem, just a click away

My phantom limb is haunting me

2006-03-26T23:00:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those flashback sort of moments. The moments where something from your past comes back and fucks you up. One of those things that took you ages to get over, whether someone important to you has died or something detramental to your well being occurs. It happens, it fucks you up, you move past it and basically go into a sort of remission if you will. But in most cases you're not in "remission" for very long. Memories come flooding back complete with all of the old emotions. That's where I am now, in the flood and out of "remission". Sure, it's getting easier, the time between "remission" and "flashback" is becoming longer and longer.

For the longest time this very same thing happened to me after my grandpa died, but now, it doesn't sting at all, it's more like a gentle tap on your shoulder, just there to remind me.

At the moment I'm remembering the people and the place I called home for almost six years, the people and the place that I walked away from seven months ago. I'm missing certain things and sometimes there are moments where I feel as though the last five years didn't happen to me. It tears me apart because even though I know it wasn't a healthy situation for me, I miss the security, I miss being around people almost 24 hours a day for five years. Where I used to live, everything was so open. I had no use for a room to run and hide in unless things went shitty. To be honest and fair, I'm pretty sure there were more good times than bad, but we all seem to focus on and remember the bad times more. I feel bad for hurting anyone, looking back, I don't like all of who I used to be and who I was in the process of becoming.

Right now I'm home alone, which is something I despised when I was in my teens and living here at home with my mom. I used to get scared, and not in that "uh oh, I'm home alone something could happen to me" sort of way; I was afraid of myself. I'd cry, I'd listen to music as loud as I could, and the worst part, I'd punch the walls, the door, even the carpeted floor; anything that would hurt. At those times I couldn't feel enough of the pain to make me stop right away but the next day my knuckles would be swollen, cut and more often than not, I wouldn't be able to move my hand without pain. (And this just occured to me, so now I feel stupid, but I suppose feeling the physical pain helped me to not feel the emotional pain...exactly like cutters, 'least I suppose it is.)

Being surrounded by people prevented me from being alone, prevented me from doing that sort of damage to myself. I had no reason to hit anything unless it was in TaeKwonDo or when I was angry. But gradually my mood began to change. I allowed my temper to get the best of me and there were quite a few times when I'd lash out at anyone and everyone. I was even becoming a massive control freak. Now that I'm back to living at my mom's house and most of my time is spent alone, I don't get angered by much any longer, my temper doesn't seem to exist, save a few encounters with my brother and a bad experience in a Wal-Mart parking lot. It's as though I'm barely existing. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum now...apparently I haven't found a middle ground yet. But I'd rather be docile and numb than angry all the time.

I learned a lot of things about myself these past seven months. I up and walked away from the place and people I considered home. It's not even that, it's that I was too cowardly to make the decision on my own and without any circumstances to blame. I hurt people, they had hurt me too, but I'm smarter than I was and just because they hurt me doesn't mean it's okay that I hurt them back. I walked away from everything that I considered to be my life. My jobs, my dogs, where I lived, and who I spent time with, it just...I...ugh, everything changed. I lived with my best friend, her husband, and their two kids. J was like a sister to me, she was my best friend, now she's the only one I talk to from that part of my past, and even then, we barely ever talk. I'm okay with that, and it's all my doing, that's not just me trying to take all the blame. The ball's in my court but I'm just letting it sit there and gradually deflate. I don't understand that about me. She was so important to me, that whole family was, but I won't make the effort to keep our friendship alive. Perhaps I'm just a coward, or maybe it's because we have almost nothing in common anymore, but I'm banking on it being more about the memories that will get stirred up.

I had moved out once before, but wound up going back every day until finally I moved back in. This time I did my best not to allow that to happen. J invited me to stay and watch a movie, I passed on it, she said that's the instant she knew we weren't going to be friends as we used to be. It killed me inside to say "no", it kills me now to think of what that did to her. A few weeks ago she told me she missed watching movies with me and instead of suggesting we do it some time, I just gave a simple answer of "yeah" with a possible "me too" in there, though I doubt I said the latter as it would leave too much room for her to suggest we do it. I'm distancing myself because I'm afraid of hurting her.

The chest pain has set in, my eyes are burning, and if you managed to read all of this without confusion or at least too much confusion then I commend you and appreciate you filling your head with my nothingness.

Back from Anaheim...just not back from Cali

2006-03-22T22:30:00.000-08:00

Well, about an hour ago we arrived back at my grandfather's. Our trip to Anaheim had us leaving the house at about 6:40am on Tuesday morning (got up at 6am, after only about 2-3 hours sleep) and after our arrival at our hotel, we went directly to Disneyland. Still fucking awesome, definitely magical, just not as magical as when I was a kid. Pirates of the Carribean was closed.

Last time I was at Disneyland Pirates was closed as well, and it's one of my favorite rides, assholes! Space Mountain was redone recently, I think last year, but no matter what, it still remains my FAVORITE ride at Disneyland. But we only went on it twice. Got to play third wheel to my brother and his girlfriend, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but don't get me wrong, it still sucked. The weather wasn't the greatest, it felt like home a lot of the time, so needless to say, I was freezing my ass off most of the day and all of the night. We left the park at 10pm something, bit of a walk back to our hotel, and we all crashed around 11pm. Sore feet, sore backs, and sore knees (thank God for the extra pillow on my bed! my knees were greatful!).

Wednesday we got to sleep in cause California adventure didn't open until 10am. This was the first time for every single one of us (right, like it was the three of us, I make it sound as if there were quite a few in our group) at this relatively new park. My brother's girlfriend had only been to Disneyland when she was 6 and 8, Ryan (my brother) and I used to go every summer when we were kids and the last time we went I was in high school. Tower of Terror was pretty awesome, but the best ride at California Adventure was definitely California Screamin', we went on that roller coaster 4 times, the last run, I got to sit in the very front row, I tell ya, the front is almost always the best. Today the sun was shining the whole time, we all came prepared for cold weather but of course this would be the day we didn't need to be. Ryan and I both got sun burnt, both of our necks, his arms, my face, but now I can prove I'm not always soooooo white. We met up with a friend of ours from Washington, our dad told us he (the old friend of ours) was going to be in Disneyland and California Adventure when we'd be there as well so we called him up and my brother and I went on one ride with him today, was fun. Ugh, but now I'm exhausted and burning up, so I think I'm going to attempt sleep now. Great to be back, well sort of back, I want to be home, but that won't happen until Friday.

Peace out!

2006-03-20T20:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, I got a bit bored and a bit obsessed with taking my own picture, but I figure it's a good thing cause I usually despise any picture of myself. Just took these today.

Shock...

Anger...

Smile with glasses...

Smile with tongue and glasses...

Smile...

Tongue with attitude...

Smile again...(smiles are rare occurances)

Punk...(least Stephanie says it is)...FINE, "KINDA punk"

Green Day corner...a little slice of home

2006-03-18T23:57:00.000-08:00

I'm still on vacation...just messing around with some pics cause I managed an internet connection. I miss my home, and by "home" I mean McKenzie's house :P

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

2006-03-16T18:02:00.000-08:00

...but I do know when I'll be back again...the 24th...

Tomorrow my trip officially begins at about 11am tomorrow morning when I drive the 3hours (give or take) to my brother's college to meet up with him and his girlfriend...then we'll be shuttled to the airport and on our way to San Diego (California for those of you who have no clue...hope there are none of those type of people :P teasing)...with a layover in LAX (I despise layovers). I'm nervous about going, not sure why. Minus the morbid thought of "if our plane goes down, my parents will lose both of their kids in one go..." I have no reason to be nervous. We're staying with my grandpa in Santee (really close to San Diego) and plan on making a trip to Disneyland, haven't been there in ages and I so can't wait for that part of our trip. Gone for a whole week...this is going to be odd...I already miss my friends and I'm praying my cellphone works there or I'll be pissed just cause I rushed to get it before the trip so that I'd have it for the trip...

Take care everyone, I will be back soon...

2006-03-14T21:55:00.000-08:00

Just a fun picture I felt like posting since I can't use it as my profile pic (it was too big of a file). Took it awhile ago, maybe a month or so.

2006-03-10T02:42:00.000-08:00

I wish there were someone.
And that I don't have to be alone at night.
It's sad when you can feel and know that everyone, including your younger brother is disappointed in you.
I can't stop thinking, just can't turn it off.
I can't get over the feeling that I'm running out of time.
I'm not crying for help, I'm just saying what I feel to anyone who cares to read.

2006-03-09T02:27:00.000-08:00

I miss not giving a fuck. Remember when it all didn't matter? Melancholy is the word to define my existence at this moment. I don't want that word to remind you of a Smashing Pumpkins album because the band is trivial in comparison to melancholy. All I feel right now are the tears tingling behind my eyes. Adults don't handle anything better than a child does. At least children express how they're feeling right when they feel it, at least until adults tell them that's not how to act. We've lost ourselves in rules and must haves and things...all I want are people, all I want is fun and love...I don't know what's going on...

I'll leave you with some lyrics to a song I just discovered...not quite sure what the appeal is at the moment...does it matter? should it matter?

"When they call your name
Will you walk right up?
With a smile on your face?
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter?

I wish you would
I wish you would

Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again

I wish you would

When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine?

You know you could
I wish you would

Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again

I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime

I wish I could"

Ryan Adams - Come Pick Me Up...it was in the movie Elizabethtown.

2006-03-08T23:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, I realize that link in my previous post no longer works...stupid NBC...but I did find another link to it so hopefully it works when you're looking for it....