And so it goes

So, it's finally happened...Saturday, November 17, 2007 @ 3:15pm my grandmother died. Now chaos will rule our kingdom.

False advertisement, apparently that’s what I am.

People want more from me and more for me and they’re certain I have more to give, more to me…if they’re so certain then why can’t I find it in me?

Go to school, well, whether I’m smart or not, one thing I know I’m not is academic.

What are my interests? I feel as though I have none, at least none that are significant.

I love being with Lainey.
I like video games, playing them at least.
I like computers.
I used to love to type.
I love listening to music.
I like reading.
I used to love to write, but now I don’t even think anymore.
I used to love hanging out with my friends, but I don’t feel like I have very many real friends anymore.
I love making people happy.

What am I good at?

I’m a fast learner at most things.
I can be very organized.
I can clean really well.
I’m good at my job but is that really worth bragging about? Hell, her father made fun of me being told I’m one of the best workers at TSI, something along the lines of, “that’s like being the smartest kid in the retarded class.”

She thinks I’m an angry person, not that it always shows but that deep down I am. What would I have to be constantly angry about? I can’t think of a thing. I suppose if you look at the big picture I’m pissed that I wasn’t raised with the desire to make something of myself. I grew up scared to do anything and everything, worried that I’d do something foolish and embarrass myself, I was and still am too worried of what others think of me. No one ever really pushed me, my mom nagged but that was it. Ask for help? Hell no. Way back when I was elementary school age…I got yelled at by my father, sometimes pinned up against the wall (as my mother informs me), when I frustrated him because I still couldn’t grasp whatever it was he was helping me with in my homework.

She still wants that future with me that she’s always wanted but now, she’s not sure I’m the right one for her because I’m unmotivated and I’m an angry person. It seems mostly that we’re too different for each other is what she’s saying. The things that we once shared, things that brought us even closer together, the things that had us referring to ourselves as twins…don’t seem like enough anymore.

I’ll admit, a year ago, when we first met and started to hang out I know I seemed far more exciting. The prospect of making such an awesome connection with another human being excites most people, I was ecstatic, a new job and a blossoming friendship. Not to say I’m not happy now, but the shit that it takes to be an adult just seems to screw things up. The fact that I have to get up and go to work for eight and a half hours every weekday pisses me off. Work all day then come home and do what? I don’t have the money to do anything, especially not the things I would enjoy. So what’s the point? I’m supposed to live so that I can work my life away? Work for what…money, sure, but I’ll never make enough money to survive happily. I’m happier than she knows but the one underlying issue that probably gives the appearance that I’m unhappy is that I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not what people think I should be, especially not for my age. I know I’m this abnormal freak of a 25-year-old who’s going absolutely nowhere. I’m just so fucking terrified. I hate this town now, I want to leave, she thinks I still want to be stuck here, she’s wrong. If we were well enough off I’d move us in a heartbeat.

I want to be everything she needs me to be. I want to give her everything she desires. I want her to be happy and safe. Hell, I flew her back here at the risk of her being restricted from seeing me just to know she was safe and happier than she was with her sperm donor. I don’t want to lose her, but if she has to leave me I can’t force her to stay with me. I only wish I hadn’t given her some false impression of who I am so that if anything we’d never have gotten this involved so it would never hurt as bad as it has the potential to hurt. She didn’t get what she wanted, what she thought she saw and now days after our one year anniversary she’s not sure I’m right for her anymore.

“I’d lie and say it’s all for the best, wish you luck and say I have no regrets, I’m not up to being strong so I’ll wait until you’re gone.”

I feel so...

I love her, I adore her...but I don't get it.

I feel as if I never see her because of our conflicting work schedules. I know we are going to get an apartment and live together, but for right now...I'm having a hard time with this rarely seeing her business.

I don't mind hanging out with other people, I'm just not as motivated and I don't mind hanging out with her and other people at the same time...but there are times when she acts differently...I don't feel like anywhere is my scene anymore. I secluded myself from everyone months ago and now I seem to be stuck. I don't really want to go anywhere or do anything. I want to be with her and I love being with her family as well, those aren't issues...

I HATE that she finds it okay to make out with almost anyone...especially if I'm right there...she knows it bothers me so it's not as if I've hidden that fact from her, it's no secret it's just something I feel the need to express...again.

She's at a babyshower with people from work, totally cool I don't mind it at all...what I do mind is the fact that when she found out it was only going to be the small group of people from work that she loves...she wishes she could stay longer...which for me means...less time with her. Her reasoning had something to do with they are her friends...but they're her friends that she sees more than she sees me...I get that that's at work...but come on.

I get that time has to be balanced...but it's like she's got way more going on than I do...so...I don't know where I'm going with this.

Maybe I'm just too dependent, too clingy. I could stand to hang out with no one but her...and it seems she needs everyone.

Am I jealous? Yes. Moreso of the people she'll so willingly make out with, who so willingly offer her up as a make out buddy to just about anyone.

It's not cool. It's not cool for Cody to refer to me as his old lesbian friend, I am never happy with him referring to me as anything along those lines. And it's definitely not cool for him to offer my girlfriend up to people.

I'm just frustrated and hurt, but it will pass.

It's been awhile...

...and I'm exhausted so this won't be much of a post.

Just got back from my grandma's...great fun...she's as hopeless as ever...still waiting for the day her life will end (fun times, right?). I don't know how to be there. The only real reason I was there was to vacuum the water out of the basement that seeps in through the foundation after we've had rain...




So...Peace out my homies...

I love her.

So less than a month away from my birthday I sit here, outside on my frost covered porch, wish I could say that I'm thinking but really, I'm just...here. I'm not one to make plans, or I never really used to be. Last week I was going through my old journals I think the earliest date was some time in early 2003. Even then I felt I had no real future, no plans, no nothing. Since some time in October tiny plans came into place ones I was skeptical of, but more than anything I was scared. Scared because this was never anything I'd done. This year I hope to turn this around a bit more. I plan to move into an apartment with Cody, one of my best friends, and Lainey, my love. She wasn't going to be a part of this apartment business until she finished school in North Carolina. Now see...here come plans again. For my birthday I was going to fly to North Carolina from the 9th of February to the 18th. Some craziness came about and I was going to be bringing my girlfriend home with me, home for good, I was ecstatic, I mean come on! Though the circumstances of her homecoming were uncool, it was very necessary she move back, she's got so many people who care for her here, so many people who love her. More changes came about...and now, she's flying home Tuesday...the 30th of January. I wish I could be flying with her but the truth is she needs to be home ASAP she's not safe, she's just not in a good place. It's true, her parents here, her mother and her true father never really enjoyed the fact that I was dating their daughter (and that's putting it mildly I'm sure) but at the moment, we're seeing eye to eye. She needs to be home with us, home where we know she's safe.

This year is going to be the best birthday I've had in a long time. Having Valentine's Day as my birthday...and never having a true valentine...just makes for a not so great birthday. How do you truly enjoy a birthday on valentine's day when you've really got no one that close, no one to call your own? This year I have that and that's all I really need, to know I have her. I don't need or expect any gifts, she's it and now, knowing she's going to be here, in town, whether with me or not, it's seriously the best gift I could ask for at this point.

I don't know what the terms are going to be with her back. I know they've (her parents) said they don't care if she lives with them or with me, they just want to know she's safe and around people who love her and have her best interests at heart. I'm once again ecstatic that they've seen that I only want the best for her, it's all I've ever wanted for her, and hell, for anyone I've ever known.

I'm happy, here with my freezing fingers and Dashboard Confessional playing in the "background". I'm happy, she's going to be home safe in a matter of hours. I've never actually been more excited to be alive than I have been the last 6 or so months. I want to be a better person, I want to find out what it takes and do it. Now I know saying it isn't enough, and I know feeling it isn't enough either...but I do believe that with a little help and a whole lot of pushing...I'll get there one day.

I love you Lainey, so much. I wish I wasn't the first person to show you that you're worth everything.

Though I'm sure they'll not see this, Thank you Lainey's parents. I've wanted to say that for days though I'm still unsure of the reason, but of course, after the phone call from her father, I have more of a reason to thank you, thank you for trusting me.

Thank you to my friends...some of whom I've not spent much time with lately, but I know you're there and I sure hope you know I'm here. I love you guys.

I love you all.

So lately I've been remembering issues I used to have and how I'd analyzed them and discovered meaning in them. A few years ago I noticed that shouting and arguing used to put me on edge, be it on TV or in person, I'd just get uncomfortable. Realized it had to do with my parents always fighting...but then I became the shouter in arguments and apparently that cured me...now in my calm state once more...I've noticed I become incredibly agitated when I hear shouting and loud arguing again.

Also, I have a hard time doing new things in front of my friends and loved ones, always have. I believe it goes hand in hand with my being afraid to ask for help...all stemming from my childhood. My dad wasn't very good at helping me with my homework and such, he'd always get too frustrated with me, he'd shout and I guess there were a few times he used to pin me up against the wall.

I'm almost 25 and these issues are still with me...please tell me I'm not crazy. Please tell me I'm not insane for the path I've chosen so far. I know I don't have a clue of where I'm going, but I know where I am now and to me...that's far more important at the moment.

I'm being judged unfairly by people who don't know me and this bothers me more than anything. I'm always hearing how I'm a good person and how everyone loves me right away so what's the deal with the harsh, unfair judgement by people who don't know me as I am but know me from gossip and general mistrust of my age?

Sorry, this was all rather scattered...and I'm probably sounding rather scatter-brained myself, just had to get it all out there.