False advertisement, apparently that’s what I am.

People want more from me and more for me and they’re certain I have more to give, more to me…if they’re so certain then why can’t I find it in me?

Go to school, well, whether I’m smart or not, one thing I know I’m not is academic.

What are my interests? I feel as though I have none, at least none that are significant.

I love being with Lainey.
I like video games, playing them at least.
I like computers.
I used to love to type.
I love listening to music.
I like reading.
I used to love to write, but now I don’t even think anymore.
I used to love hanging out with my friends, but I don’t feel like I have very many real friends anymore.
I love making people happy.

What am I good at?

I’m a fast learner at most things.
I can be very organized.
I can clean really well.
I’m good at my job but is that really worth bragging about? Hell, her father made fun of me being told I’m one of the best workers at TSI, something along the lines of, “that’s like being the smartest kid in the retarded class.”

She thinks I’m an angry person, not that it always shows but that deep down I am. What would I have to be constantly angry about? I can’t think of a thing. I suppose if you look at the big picture I’m pissed that I wasn’t raised with the desire to make something of myself. I grew up scared to do anything and everything, worried that I’d do something foolish and embarrass myself, I was and still am too worried of what others think of me. No one ever really pushed me, my mom nagged but that was it. Ask for help? Hell no. Way back when I was elementary school age…I got yelled at by my father, sometimes pinned up against the wall (as my mother informs me), when I frustrated him because I still couldn’t grasp whatever it was he was helping me with in my homework.

She still wants that future with me that she’s always wanted but now, she’s not sure I’m the right one for her because I’m unmotivated and I’m an angry person. It seems mostly that we’re too different for each other is what she’s saying. The things that we once shared, things that brought us even closer together, the things that had us referring to ourselves as twins…don’t seem like enough anymore.

I’ll admit, a year ago, when we first met and started to hang out I know I seemed far more exciting. The prospect of making such an awesome connection with another human being excites most people, I was ecstatic, a new job and a blossoming friendship. Not to say I’m not happy now, but the shit that it takes to be an adult just seems to screw things up. The fact that I have to get up and go to work for eight and a half hours every weekday pisses me off. Work all day then come home and do what? I don’t have the money to do anything, especially not the things I would enjoy. So what’s the point? I’m supposed to live so that I can work my life away? Work for what…money, sure, but I’ll never make enough money to survive happily. I’m happier than she knows but the one underlying issue that probably gives the appearance that I’m unhappy is that I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not what people think I should be, especially not for my age. I know I’m this abnormal freak of a 25-year-old who’s going absolutely nowhere. I’m just so fucking terrified. I hate this town now, I want to leave, she thinks I still want to be stuck here, she’s wrong. If we were well enough off I’d move us in a heartbeat.

I want to be everything she needs me to be. I want to give her everything she desires. I want her to be happy and safe. Hell, I flew her back here at the risk of her being restricted from seeing me just to know she was safe and happier than she was with her sperm donor. I don’t want to lose her, but if she has to leave me I can’t force her to stay with me. I only wish I hadn’t given her some false impression of who I am so that if anything we’d never have gotten this involved so it would never hurt as bad as it has the potential to hurt. She didn’t get what she wanted, what she thought she saw and now days after our one year anniversary she’s not sure I’m right for her anymore.

“I’d lie and say it’s all for the best, wish you luck and say I have no regrets, I’m not up to being strong so I’ll wait until you’re gone.”