Happy New Year...yeah right. My grandmother just called the cops and told them that her caregiver is holding her against her will. My grandmother cannot walk on her own, certainly cannot drive, can't really do anything without assistance anymore...and now, my mom has to go out there and take care of her because the caregiver is refusing to stay there any longer. Fucking hell. Would that demented old woman just...go! She's wanted to be dead for years, I can't go out there and ask her how she is without her saying something along the lines of, "just waiting for the clock to run out." She doesn't want to be here so just...take her.

Knew it couldn't last...

Semi-fight with my mom when I got home tonight. She smelled smoke on me...she jokingly asked, "been smoking again eh?" (mind you, she's not aware I do it...only just started some time this past summer/fall). I replied, "of course" or something of that nature. She mentioned something about smoking again, I had to lie and say Cody does...well he does smoke but I do too and so does my girlfriend...Cody wasn't with us tonight but she can't know I was out with my girlfriend for incredibly fucked up reasons. Sorry Cody. So then she said something about smoking in my car and I said "yes." Then of course she said outright, "No." Well..."it's my car"...she walked off...came back like a minute later "blah blah second hand smoke blah blah." "I know Mom, I'm not stupid, I've heard about it for years." "You come in here and bring it with you, you're exposing us all to second hand smoke when you do that...you've been given a free ride, you didn't register for classes for the upcoming quarter, maybe you want to move out." I had to not react to her cause that's the only way it ends. I almost cried but that's not all to do with here...I almost cried about two other times today as well.

Saw The Pursuit of Happyness (the y is intentional so I'm not a retard that's the actual title spelling for those of you who're unaware). Got me thinking..."where did I go wrong?" My parents were never "discouraging" as it were, but they were never "encouraging" either. Well my dad seems to be a bit and my step-mom as well...my brother even too...but it's too little too late you know?

I almost had it in my head that I'd be better off back where I was...six...seven? years ago. I hated it there, I'm sure it would have ultimately killed me or had a helping hand in me killing myself, but I was safe, I was secure, I was taken care of. No one through it in my face that I wasn't in school, my jobs were easy enough and not too demanding though some times they felt as if they were, I was taken care of. I didn't have to worry about money and generally, if I wanted something I could have it...but I stuck to trying to get what I needed rather then wanted cause it wasn't my money anymore.

I don't feel like I have the ability to take care of anyone properly...I can't even do that for myself.

Sacrifice. I don't think I'm in a position at this pint in time to make a sacrifice that's not going to yield positive and instant/semi-instant results. Then I thought, "people have made sacrifices for me...but I've not asked for them, in fact I've begged they not be made becauseof/for me." Then of course I analyzed that line of thinking a bit more...people don't necessarily make sacrifices for you expecting they'll get them in return (though most times you know they do). They're made kind of as a "sign" of sorts to show you that you're trusted...the door has been open for you to do the same but not necessary that you do so. They can also be looked at as someone saying, "hey, I trust you, I'm going to do this for you." But at the moment it's not an issue of trust necessarily. If anything a lack of trust in my own self. I'm not "stable" in who I am at the moment...a long recovery...I fuck things up left and right still...just not as much as I used to.

Eh, that's all that I have in my head that I can voice right now. The rest will just have to wait until I have time, and can sort the thoughts out.

Peace out ya'll.

I'm going to tear myself apart, I just have to figure out where and how to start.








"This feeling of despair is never wearing out"

Doubts, sinking in from all around
And I don't know how to be anything but myself
I don't even know how to be that to be honest
I want to stop freaking out about consequences
The kind where I worry about everyone I'm going to hurt
The kind that have me doing what I find best for everyone but me
But it's never clear what's best for me...so I'll never know
Do I take this road...or that one?

"every day trying to make up for the one before
climb three flights to tremble at the sight of your already open door
the frustration I see when I tell you I like some company
breaks my heart
how can you be so impartial?

and I've made myself the fool
who's fallen for you
so let me down softly this time and
I wont have to come back cryin'
I've just made myself look bad and
you're the one who should be feelin' bad
it'd be better to forget you
but I don't really want to
it'd be better to forget you
but I don't really want to

energy spent trying to believe you're not worth it
you don't deserve it
but I wish you did 'cause I can't live without this
and I'll remember you as the second or two
artists I knew who decided to screw me over
'cause it's the bolder thing to do"

"The Bolder Thing to Do" - Gregory and the Hawk

You make me nervous
No, I don't trust myself without you
You can't trust what your heart tells you
You want to ignore what your brain warns against

And you wouldn't even think to question me
But I put that doubt in your head so long ago
With midnight tales of how my life went wrong

I'll be the greatest disappointment you've ever had
I can't have you expecting the best from me
Because I can't deliver, I'll not live up to higher standards

Too many years of conditioning
Too many attempts to fall off that pedestal

I am what I do, what I say, and what I feel
He argued against it so I had to prove him wrong

I've perfected the ability to do the wrong thing
Oh I'm the cleverest girl, I know
I must prove to you that all I know to do is disappoint
It's not a way to live, I know
It's not fair to anyone but I suppose I'm just selfish that way
Forgive me if you can but it's the only way I know to live

It should be so easy to quit just for you
All the things I need to survive should take a backseat
There was a time I thought I'd never have what those songs are all about
You should be enough for me, you could be the best thing
But I'll be the worst mistake you ever made

I go where the comfort takes me
It used to be your arms
But you're so far away
Waved good-bye and left me here
I know it's not fair, and I never intend to blame you

Now I find solace in places that aren't here
In places where I can't think too hard
Where missing you can't trap me
Where I can unwind just a little bit
Just let the knots I've been tying fray and fall away
It (she) helps me, you know
Fills the spot where you left a hole
It's (she's) no replacement, it's (she's) no you
But damn it, it (she) holds me tight

I thought we'd never part
You were going to be my fresh start
Opened my eyes and made me more true to myself than I've ever known I could be
You were the only thing I required, but
I put my life's happiness on your shoulders
I depended on you to keep me happy and sane, when that was never your job
It should be so easy to stand on my own
But here I stand, wishing I could hide in my own shadow

I fell apart, crushed and crumbled to my knees
I'm stronger when I'm weak
The unsatisfying familiarity
This darkness is what I know, sadly, it's home

I can't hold on to anyone as long as I'd like to...seems all the people I have instant, awesome connections with have to move along sooner than I'd prefer. Story of my life...I stay behind...I can't keep up..."well I lagged behind so you got ahead."

I can't make promises or guarantees...I never felt I could to begin with. This journey I've been on...scares the shit out of me. I'm in pain, not just cause I'm sick but because I've hurt people and I can't handle doing that.

I don't know what I want to do. I can't say I won't be tempted by outside things I can't say I'll never question whether I want something else or not. Deep down...I do blame you for leaving, though we've discussed your reasons and come to the conclusion that it wouldn't matter whether you were here or there...that we'd not be able to see each other.

I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anyone. You called me a heart breaker... I should be alone...I hate being alone but I should be because then I can't hurt anyone. You want answers I can't give.

I can't ask you to move back here because ultimately, you wanted to be gone, you were happier leaving this town. I know you're not happy being away from me, but...love...I'm still incredibly afraid I'm not what you need.

I told you, I'm not someone who can be alone, that's no excuse for what I've done, but it's the truth...I don't do well alone.

How can you still want to be with me? I don't get it. It's like I have to test shit, I have to have real proof that I deserve what I have...and sometimes I just push too fucking hard for that proof. I told you I'm having a hard time remembering us.

Being sick and having all this...other stuff...to think about...just makes everything so much more real...I'm faced with the truth that there's no one to come to my rescue no matter how hard I want someone to. You're 3000 miles away and I need someone here and now to hold me to show me... I'll wait for you, but I'm worried I'll never budge. I'm worried that maybe I can't ever be any one's. I don't deserve to be. I love you...but how is it that I've done this to you, to us if I love you? I've missed you for so long.

I don't want to be here anymore, not here in this town...just...not here anymore...no longer in existence.

How did I switch so fast? How did I allow myself that moment of weakness? How did I lose touch? Why did you go? Why? Too many questions that I'll never have answers to, you want answers and I can't give them. You deserve better, what if I can't be what you want or what you need?

Being alone is a bitch...

Being physically, mentally, and emotionally alone AND sick...just makes me wish even harder that I were no longer around.

Everyone I know goes away in the end

There's no one here
I'm not where I want to be
And I'm not even sure I know where that is

This is so far, the loneliest day of my life

"So this is odd,
the painful realization that all has gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by
a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once
before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is the last time."

"This Brilliant Dance" - Dashboard Confessional

Hey, anyone out there...?
Have you ever felt like being dead, even when you're incredibly happy?

The weather outside is frightful

Just postin' some pics I took from our snow. I felt trapped at my dad's because of it, but once I got home, I loved it! It's so pretty! Our town is covered in white and it looks so surreal.

The beginning of the snow - part of my dad's back yard


Little more snow - part of my dad's front yard


Little more snow - 'nother part of my dad's front yard


Tons o' snow - clothesline at my mom's house


Tons o' snow - back porch at my mom's house


Tons o' snow - back porch steps at my mom's house


My snow angel (on the possible last night of snow) - back porch of my mom's

"Won't you cure my tragedy...

Don't take her smile away from me
She's broken and I'm far away"

"When I sit and think of the days we shared
and the nights you covered for me
Every little thing that I ever did
You would stand by me
Every time you cried it would take my wind
My heart would break
If I could be strong like you were for me
You are my faith"

"I can't take this anymore
I can't feel this anymore
Won't you take and give her pain to me
'Cause my whole life I've made mistakes
Can you hear me scream?"



Laying down on a side street like a bum
Living my life like I'm twenty-one
Smelling of stale cigarettes and spent liquor...

It's snowing like crazy and I'm stuck here, though I'm about to attempt going into town to drop some of my things off and prepare myself for being home (finally) after house/dog sitting for my dad.

I'm missing people more than ever today, I can't handle that.

She wants me to like myself more, scratch that, she wants me to love myself. She wants my friends, even the ones she doesn't care for, to show me that I matter. No, I wasn't shown this kind of thing when I was younger apparently not in the ways that it matters, so why does it matter so much now? I love myself enough to still be here...but then again maybe I'm too chicken to do anything drastic. The snow's pretty, time to go brave it and make my way home for a bit.

The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend"

Wish I could say that were true for me.

I'm depressed again, I can see that all too clearly now. I mean, I actually came out of it, it took me a bit to realize I was, but I finally recognized it. And now, well now I can see when it comes back on. All I want to do is crawl into bed and hide away. I want someone to take care of me, cause I fail at any attempts to take care of myself.

I want to be everything.
I want to be the one with all the answers.
I want to be the one who can take care of anyone, any time, no exceptions.
I want to do whatever it takes to be the one.
I want to be strong.

I don't feel like I'm any of the above.

"Come on Darlin' let's go back to bed"

Good Jewel lyric didn't want to take credit since the following is my poem but the title of the post is not my own. (Another good one...with one edit..."Get over here and warm my hands up, girl, it's you they love to hold")

Written November 15, 2006

Your hair is still everywhere
From those days spent in the sheets
(And the ones spent on them)
If your love is my drug
Then your sex is my much wanted overdose

The things I would do if you were here
Tear those clothes from your beautiful body
(They're over-rated)
Cover every inch of you with kisses too numerous to count
Before I cover you with my own flesh

All the sounds that slip from your lips to my ears
They tease me on and on to please
I wish my lips could be everywhere at once
So I could always have my eyes on yours
The intensity, oh what it does to me

I'd have you anywhere I could
No time would be wasted with you near me
This time apart makes my once great need unbearable
Our times together blend and play in my head
Torturing me, leaving me yearning for your touch

I long to reacquaint our bodies
To get to know every smooth curve, every line, every soft surface
All over again
It's been too long my love
Won't you please come home...

Initially written (literally) on Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Recall one of my more recent posts where I wrote that I wished I could record my thoughts? Well even if you don't (though you could scroll down and find out)...now you've got an idea.

I'm writing all this down to blog about later... I've got plenty of time to write though my hand will surely cramp due to it's inability to keep up with my rapid-fire thoughts (and tangents).

The power is out, I've heard the entire island is without. Some parts of the island lost power as early as three o'clock in the a.m. but here in town we lost it around noon.

I also heard our bridge is out and I'm sure the ferries aren't running either. Stranded. Stranded physically, stranded mentally with a lot of time to think which delves into too much time to analyze.

I had attempted to take a nap as I have time on my hands and simply because every morning all I ever want to do is go back to bed...and even though I need the money, weather like this has me praying for a power outage.

So as you can plainly deduct, I'm not napping. Had tried and I think I did catch a few minutes of shut-eye, but alas, a phone call interrupted. My grandma's caregiver for the day called to ask if I could pick up a pizza for them. Me forgetting the town's power outage went straight for the sad truth: that I have no money. How do I forget about the power outage? lol. I told her our power was out too, so pizza became a no-go. I was relieved I'd not have to go out there and see my grandma. The caregiver had to throw in, "I've been trying to call [the pizza place] but no one is answering. Our power's been out since 3 a.m. and all I've been thinking about is 'a pizza and some hot coffee would be nice.' Oh well, I guess we'll just have water, there's plenty of food but no way to prepare it." UGH! It occurred to me that my dad's got a gas stove and usually has tons of good leftovers, I could have called him up and sent him to her house. And though he's my grandma's ex-son-in-law, he'd probably have done it. I never called.

It's funny, the sun just came out. It's rather bright and out of place. The sky is dark and a storm is a-raging.

So after the phone call ended I curled back up in my (cold) bed. The house is always so cold on a regular basis, but usually I can find solace in bed with my electric blanket cranked up. Now I'm stranded without either of my two heat sources...her and my blanket.

Sirens are breaking the silence between gusts of wind. Gutters which had been fixed to not rattle in the wind are no match for the their strength today; their annoying vibrations are mixing with the creaking house (which feels like it's swaying).

Anyway, back in bed...well I mean back to the memory of me being back in bed...I got to thinking and I'm not sure what the first thought was about. The gist of it was me questioning why I love knowing who's calling, thank goodness for caller-ID on my cell phone. Though I'm fucked (not pleasantly) when I get a call from someone who isn't programmed in my phone, somehow they pose a threat. These calls trigger thoughts instantaneously, "Who do I know that could belong to this number?" "Why would anyone who's not programmed in my phone have reason to call me?" I hate answering the house phone as well (no caller-ID), I avoid this phone at all costs, usually just screen them and decide if I want to pick up or not.

I analyzed all of that. And my conclusion? My subconscious. I'm afraid of getting *THE* call. "Megan, there's been an accident" or "Megan, so-and-so is dead." Something dreadful along those lines.

Waiting for the bottom to drop out.
Relying on instinct from past experiences and stacks of negatives (cons) to prepare for the worst.

Years of negatives have me jaded. Just as easy as one of these phone calls could represent something bad, it could be someone calling with great or even mediocre news - but I don't think like that.

So, I don't like unknown calls because I'm afraid of what they could mean.

something happened at work yesterday that was rather entertaining...I wore my glasses without one lens without realizing...someone else pointed it out to me after I'd been wearing them for maybe two hours. I found it amusing as well so this isn't a bad thought.

I work with a whole lotta Filipino women and while they are rather chatty I was intimidated by them at first. Now a lot of people know my name at work and I don't even know some of them. This is also not a bad thing, I tend to get more, "Hi Megan" and such now.

A lot of people at work like me, or seem to at least. I can't grasp this idea. People like me. People like me? Heck, years after high school I found out more people knew me than I realized, not just knew me, liked me, just didn't like my then best friend.

It feels awesome to have people talking to me at work. Though part of it is them making jokes about my glasses lately lol, but I've made myself an easy target. I do get picked on, but not in a way that bothers me because it's more of a, "I like you so I pick on you" kind of thing. It's the quiet people at work that scare me. I'm sure it doesn't hurt that I do an awesome job, least they all say that, but all I can do ("is read a book to stay awake..." sorry song popped in my head) is be shocked. I'm doing my job, doing my best and working my hardest - as everyone should.

So yeah all of this (all four, soon to be almost five pages) is notes for a blog post which was only going to touch on two, maybe three topics. 1) my avoidance of phone calls, 2) people at work like me, and 3) the power outage. If the outage lasts much longer my hand will be dead and I'll have a million pages of word vomit to type out...or avoid typing since I managed to get my thoughts out in some manner.

Holy shit...the house is shaking.

I survived...power came back on around eight p.m. is what I'm hearing. C and I skipped town, it was fun.

Just another day

What can I say that's not too redundant yet? It's not as if I have an incredibly busy schedule or anything, not as if I do anything of great interest either.

Found out today that the neck pain I experience followed by nausea and a headache is quite possibly a migraine...yay me. I always thought migraines were more intense, not to say that the pain I experience isn't intense...just with the exception of minor whining do to the annoyance of pain...I suppose I handle pain well. Of course it does occur to me there can be different types (?) of migraines as well. I find when these "headaches" of mine come on I really need to be sitting or laying down. I already can't stand for long periods of time because I tend to feel winded when I do so and just get to feeling kinda funny, but with the "headaches" I get dizzy right away and the pain is greater. I feel like such a wuss. I haven't really had any sort of headache in a while and now it seems almost daily since last week. It also can't be good that I pop Tums before work just to make sure my stomach will be okay all day, not even in relation to the nausea from the "headaches", can it?

Ugh, and I've been getting foot cramps a lot, not frequently or anything just at sporadic times...but I almost never get foot cramps and now...well I was in the bathroom and got one...that was hard. *Sigh* maybe I'm dying, I mean faster than the usual rate.

Today is full on day one of "I-only-have-one-friend-in-town-day". He called me up asking if we could hang out later. I basically told him I'm up for it. Honestly I'd rather stay home in my "hole", secluded and in my comfort zone (as much comfort as being by myself in my room can allow for). But I get the feeling that without Robert, he's a bit lost in a sense. It's of course hard to gauge though, as C doesn't seem to really need people the way I feel I do, and if he does, he is really good at hiding it. C called yesterday while I was out of town looking to hang out, sounded as miserable as he said he was. I felt bad, well I would for anyone, but for C in general, it's rare I get to "see"/see him that way and not get hit with some shit too. I mean bad moods...we don't always treat those around us too well depending...yeah, I'm not trying to bash C so I'm done. I just feel bad because I'm out of it and feeling totally alone but I know if I need him, C's here...but he's got to be feeling some kind of shit too...Robert did leave him behind as well and Robert seemed an integral part of C's day.

Also, another lame attempt perhaps...I miss M. She won't acknowledge anything I do or "say". Perhaps I was given false information? Not to rat out C but it seems obvious he's in the middle and if anything is trying to help. I'd not take anything he told me to be said maliciously, nor would I use what he's said in a malicious way. So M, I need some sort of a sign before I decide I've really fucked things up beyond the point of no return. C made me think there was hope as you ask about me from time to time. Since the beginning of this...falling out...I've thought about you, I've wondered about you, I've definitely cared about what's going on with you, most of which I find out second hand - part of which is my own fault, I know. I don't/hadn't called you because you don't like talking on the phone and I'm not in the mood to put someone who doesn't like it in that position, along with the fact that we've not really spoken in awhile and it'd just be more awkward on top of your not liking the phone. I wish you'd email me, the way you, C, and I used to do in the past. I felt like it was a little newsletter to an exclusive club or something. Do you know how often I've just wanted to drive out to your house and...well...I don't know what I'd do but it's not like I've gotten that far - I worry bout your schedule cause it's not just school anymore. It's work, it's temping, it's gyming, it's hanging with Ch... That blog post you read and responded to angrily...you took it wrong, well I suppose I'd have taken it the same way but...ugh...remember after I moved out...I had no one...S's kinda been with me from that point on, straight through...so yeah...I'm not sure if that clarifies anything for you, I doubt it makes it better. It wasn't even a complaint in that post, in fact I was happy with having the two of them...I wouldn't have known to include anyone else as you and I have been...estranged since August...you got offended at something you'd already pointed out to me a dozen or more times, we're not close friends right now (if you still consider us friends at all)...was it wrong to not have listed you? I'm sorry, as I've said a million times, I can say it no more. I do love you, I need a fucking sign.

S, congratulations on the end of (work related)probation. (Didn't want that to look bad lol.) It's about damn time huh? Tread a little harder on those eggshells now? You do sound amazing at what you do, I know you're not the type to brag in a "look at me, look at me" sort of way, but more of a "wow, look what I can do" sort of thing (least I hope it's more like that :P). Glad you had a decent time at that dinner as well, I'd have been bobbing my head right along with you lol, as I don't absorb that kind of knowledge easily if at all. Love you.

My love, I am proud of you for your test scores, I'm jealous of how well you did because I'm terrified of how I'll do when my time comes. Accomplishments are a big deal doesn't matter how small they are, so no matter what, you do deserve a "good job/congratulations" something of that sort at minimum. I'm surprised anyone can just be all "blah" about it. I love you, I miss you.

It's amazing what seeing you does to me. I mean I've got pictures of you I look at every day, but being able to see you semi-real time...I'm so happy.

Today was hard saying goodbye to Robert...my stability is slipping away again...I don't know where I stand with someone and then there's one other person here that I've got. Maybe I'm to blame, but can it really be all my fault?

"This world brings me down, again. I know that I need you, to help me make it through and I know that you're the one for me."

Why do I feel so incredibly alone right now? It's out of place rediculous.

Robert's threats, well not threats intentionally, to leave have finally become something. He says he's packing his things today (Saturday) and "skipping town" on Sunday. Fine, leave. It sucks, and I think part of the reason it sucks is because I feel like I've "skipped town" on a few of my friends and I already knew what it felt like to leave them cause it had already been done to me (Amanda ditched me for her boyfriend), thanks for the fucking reminder.

Pictures

And these are being posted here cause I can't put em on myspace...too many reasons.


Me laughing...


Me and Cody...


Velma...aka Robert...aka Velmert (ain't he pretty? watch out Courtney Love!)


Velma again...


Cody took this pic...

And me waiting for her...well she actually took this pic but when I see it I think of it in that sense.

Written November 8, 2006

I remember the first kiss,
The anticipation,
The taste of your hot breath
...your soft lips.

In the park in the dark...we shared a secret.
That fence, your face, you command me.

Waking you with a kiss,
A kiss met with a smile I'll never forget.

My skin, my lips, my fingertips...
...Miss your skin...your lips...your fingertips.

That last night we slept with the light on,
I wanted you to be my first sight.

You're the voice in my head,
You're the love in my heart,
You're the love of my life.

You melt me still from thousands of miles away.
I'm going to find a way through this distance,
Nothing but the thought of you is keeping me clear.
Thank you.

??

So my Lainey stumbled across this song by Justincase called "Any Day Now (Megan's song)". http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=47092781 I found that to be too coincidental...I mean, the title alone and especially after reading the lyrics. I had to ask her if she wrote those words and somehow put them on the lyric site as a joke just because of a few things.

There's a girl I want to be mine
I want to have her all the time
I'm gonna let her see what's here
And make sure she'll always be near
We laugh about Snickers Bars
She's gonna be a T.V. star
Out of style is just her type
And that's whey I could be right

Chorus: Any day now
In some old fashioned way
I'm gonna let her know
Her profile makes me smile(I'm gonna make her smile)

She likes to shop and she loves her ring
One day I'm gonna take her skiing
You know we can always have fun
If it means we have to run
She can't help but say things twice
I can't help but say things twice
Dr. Seuss, she likes to read him
She likes listening to Atheneaum

Chorus x2

I hope you heard this song and it did not make you mad
I hope you heard this song I hope you love this song

Chorus

Finally finished it.

Written October 24, 2006 - November 5, 2006

I'm outside Baby, watching you
Depending on your memory to get me through.

These cigarettes I smoke are no need of mine
I just feel a connection with you, they bring me closer every time.

With you I'm content yet restless to fit everything and every word in.
I long for the day when we don't have to say "good-bye" and our life together can truly begin.

Hearing the rain fall, feeling the drops, it magnifies this pain,
'Cause living without you girl, is making me insane.

I can barely remember when living was just living and survival didn't depend on you.
It's your sweet voice and love urging me on, without them I'd never make it through.

I miss you in my arms where I felt I could keep you warm and safe forever.
But the dirt we took changed it all, just know that I'm still yours here and now, come what may, always, and wherever.

The time we had was never our's but we took it and spent it well.
I wish I had you here to hold tight and kiss 'cause without you Baby, even heaven is hell.

I love you.

All I need

Side note...I noticed I've just hit 94 posts for this year which is a tie for how many I had last year...found it interesting...sorry...carry on.

"Like all escapists, I sometimes get lost in long moments of silence." Yeah, that'd be me too...borrowed that line from the book I have yet to finish, but I'm getting there.

Last night I went to the mall to see Saw III...dude...what a mind fuck. Best of the three that are out so far...not to hint that they're may be a fourth in the works... Movies like that just...get to me in a way that just numbs me but not fully, and terrifies the crap out of me.

"What am I doing here, if you're not with me?/When gravity's pulling, you're still holding my heart."

So the two of you suggested I write more about each of you. Shall I flatter you with my words? I don't think they're enough you know cause the two of you are pretty much THE most important people in my life. If I only had the two of you I'd be just fine. I'm sure there are a few people out there who'd be a little hurt if they read this but, seriously, the two of you...my world.

Man, I thought it was hard enough knowing Stephanie and not being able to meet her cause of how far away she lives...but now with Elaina further away than Stephanie, I'm dying. I want to be on the east coast. I want to be able to meet Stephanie and convince her I am one of her bestest friends. I want to be living with Elaina letting her know every day that I'm not going anywhere unless she's there with me.

Seriously, Stephanie, you helped me through one of THE hardest times in my life and you're still there when I need you and I hope and pray you know I'm here for you. My only hope is that I can be half of the friend you've been to me. I know we've only "known" each other for a little over a year now but I feel like it's been longer (in a very good way mind you), you're an essential part of my life. I can't wait to meet you, I owe you a few hugs and a few kicks in the ass (I don't recall what for just yet so just know you deserve 'em :P ). I adore you. Also just noticed that on the fifth of November last year I posted a poem I wrote for you.

Elaina, my Lainey, my love you're with me wherever I go; on my mind and in my heart. I miss everything about you. I miss your head on my chest just listening to my heart beat. You've made me so much happier, though it kills me that we're so far apart, my life is so much brighter now that you're in it. You take my breath away. If we're not done taking dirt, well as long as you're with me and as long as you love me and I love you, we'll make it through. I'm so greatful to've met you and even more so that I have your love and I can give you mine. I love you so much, a lot, forever (eva)...with everything I am and everything I have. "I meant what I said when I said until my dying day."

"I'm holding onto you, holding onto me/Maybe it's all we got but it's all I need/You're all I need//And if all we've got is what no one can break/I know I love you, if that's all we can take//The tears are coming down/They're mixing with the rain/I know I love you, if that's all we can take."

I hope that works for you guys, I fear I'm not as good with my words as I'd like to be, as I once seem to have been. Love you's.

If there's a way I'll do it all for you

Killing time before I head out for an evening of (hopefully) fun.

I think I'm finally getting used to my schedule as I seem incapable of sleeping until noon or later as was my old "habit".

It's been nasty out lately, rain and wind. While I do love the rain, I can't stand wind. Aside from the fact that the wind is cold and only makes it colder, I can't stand the idea of a possible power outage or how it messes with my internet signal and my phone reception. Eh, I'm a whiner and totally dependent upon electricity and electronic devices, I'm not afraid to admit to it.

I'm running out of words. I can't stand that I used to be able to write anything and so freely for that matter. Every time I'm paying attention to the words in a song all I can think, aside from who or what the songs make me think of, is, "damn, how in the world did someone write that, and how did they write it before me?"

So I've showered, my bed is made and my laundry's almost done, my bills are paid even...all two of them...rather productive Saturday, seems it's on schedule. Hopefully I'll get to squeeze a movie or two in this weekend.

I need ideas to write about. Thoughts, questions...geez...

It must be for real cause now I can feel.

Homesick. I say homesick because she is my home. One thing I've noticed that I do over the years is when I find something or someone, or some people that I can call my own, I tend to say, "I wanna go home" even when I'm in my physical home...because I consider these things or these people my home...she's my home. She has my heart...home is where the heart is...so freaking corny, but also so freaking true.

On my way home it was pouring rain and was windy...but the sun was blaringly bright and in my face...makes driving difficult...but the outcome was a pretty rainbow in the darkened sky which I saw just as I was pulling onto my street. Made me think of you.

So on my breaks I read this book: Smashed Story of a Drunken Girlhood by Koren Zailckas. Every time I am walking back into the building I find myself narrating what I'm doing and what's going on around me the way Koren does in her book. (I walked into the bathroom at work and above each toilet is a sign that reads "Please be neat and wipe the seat." Sure it's clever and the sign has a cute picture...but why did they have to put it there? Wondering this makes me cringe.) This also makes me wish I could record my thoughts because by the time I get home they're gone.

I'm jealous of Stephanie's writing. It's real, it's what I've lost somehow, as if I don't think at all anymore.

I spend my breaks alone and I basically spend my lunch alone. I smoke in my car...but I'm hating smoking now. All it's ever been is a link to her and it will forever remain that to me, but now I don't feel like smoking unless I'm with her or occasionally on the phone with her. I won't get rid of my cigarettes but I think I'm done smoking. I'm quitting something I rarely do anyway...bit funny...but then technically I'm not really quitting. The taste has just been gross lately where I usually enjoy the flavor of the ones I have.

I used to think all the time...so now I just wonder what the hell I do all the time that's taking the place of thinking. Maybe it's all just thoughts that aren't worth holding onto, with the exception of my thoughts about her because those do stick with me and those are worth thinking but I know there has to be something else going on in my head.

I can't wait to move from here. I feel like if I can move, I can grow. It'll force me to find another job, it'll force me to adapt to a new environment and while all of that kind of stuff terrifies me, it's exciting and incredibly appealing. What I do miss is someone taking care of me and certain things for me. I mean you grow up depending on your parents, well in most cases at least. I feel I got kind of cheated in the sense that yes, my parents did encourage me to become independent and do things for myself...but mostly it was my mom just telling me what to do without ever really guiding me through...though in her defense I know as a teenager I wasn't really open to hearing that sort of thing let alone allowing her to show me how to go about doing things. Of course I'm aware that if I had been smart enough and humble enough, I would have asked for that sort of guidance...but I never knew I needed it. I was glad to have my step-dad's help with getting my car repaired. My own father didn't even offer up help in the way that Stan did. I'm just worried about having to take care of myself in the bigger ways that I'm not completely used to having to do it. Growing up blows massively...but there's always something shiny and bright pulling you forward making you forget that growing up sucks...but then, if you're me, there's always some huge downfall after you get far enough ahead that reminds you why you hate life. *sigh* I suppose that's enough for now. I know I have things to look forward to and that's what I'm going to attempt to keep my focus on. I'm getting out of this town, I'm going to be with her, my love. She's helped me grow already and I know she's going to be a driving force in my life helping me grow even more, especially since she won't allow me to be so hard on myself all the time and well, she makes me happy and I've never felt this happy...least not that I can remember, you know? There is actually a light out there, it's something I can easily see, as I've been in this dark pit for too many years.

I love you.

"Don't let the days go by"

Long time gone

So hi. Been a while since I've used this blog for...blogging.

Today marked my three month anniversary of working at TSI. Yay me... There's really not much else going on in my world at the moment. I mark the days off of my calander waiting until December 26th when I get to pick my girlfriend up from the same airport I just said good-bye to her at...I think eleven days ago. Damn, it feels like it's been longer. I miss her, a lot.

I'm also actually very excited about my birthday this year. I plan on spending it in NC with her, my valentine...I'm going to have an actual valentine on Valentine's Day, a.k.a. my birthday.

I'm not quite sure how I felt about love before this...but now...I love it, I know that much. I can't say "I love you" enough ("those three words, they're said too much, they're not enough"). She has my heart. I love how it all just kind of fell into place.

At work a certain radio station is broadcast throughout the building(s) and they generally play music I know, like, and really don't mind listening to, so that works out...'cept when they play stuff that makes me miss her more. There are a few songs that I'm sick of hearing...some of them get played up to three times in the 8.5 hours I'm at work...that drives me nuts. "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter, "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" KT Tunstall, that one Bon Jovi song that there's also a version with a country singer, and "Live Like You're Dying" Tim McGraw...sick! of hearing them.

Well I'm cold and not feeling so well so I think I'm going to go now.

I miss you my love.*kiss*

I miss my laptop. I miss being able to sit in my bed with it, miss being able to sit outside with it, and I miss being able to bring it in the car with me and use it as my not so convinient, temporary iPod.

I don't feel right. Sick of being in my own skin possibly. There are too many things I should have done, too many things I should have said, and more importantly too many things I should be.

I miss my girlfriend. Without her I don't feel complete and to me that's how it should feel with her as far away as she is. If you're with someone, I mean in the terms of "have a significant other" then they are what completes you. If you can function just fine without them, I applaud you.

I'm done with this town and from the looks of it, it's been done with me for a very long time. What am I supposed to do?

Written October 24, 2006

I'm outside Baby, watching you
Depending on your memory to get me through.

These cigarettes I smoke are no need of mine
I just feel a connection with you, they bring me closer every time.

The time we had was never our's but we took it and spent it well.
I wish I had you here to hold tight and kiss 'cause without you Baby, even heaven is hell.

this is a major TBC (to be continued) but feel free to comment anyway

"Did you know I miss you?"


You're not gone yet but I do miss you more than I've missed anyone before.
My first taste of something real, something I can grasp with my entire heart and soul and say, "this is mine, all mine, all for me".

I love you so much.

Written October 1, 2006

I just woke up
And I realized I'm alone
For the millionth night in a row.

I can't promise you forever
But if there's a way to end this pain and have you back
I'm all for it.

The rational side of me is getting in the way
Pushing and shoving until I have to see
Telling me I have to wonder if this was meant to last.

I don't want to cut and run
This love wasn't meant for only fun
I can't promise you forever but for you I'd like to try.

This world's been so unkind
And life's just staring me down
I don't think it's fair, but my odds never looked good.

...maybe continued as well, who knows.

It's you I would die for
You I pine for
You who holds the key

You make me feel brand new
Given my world a brighter hue

...to be continued, possibly.

Written September 20, 2006

She's still angry
And I can't get over...
...the intensity in her eyes when I have to ask her to look at me
...the disappointed way she lets me know I've let her down...again.

It happened so quickly and I'm to blame
I can't escape the fault
But I'm forced to wonder why I gave little thought to...
...what was at stake, a promise I made
...anything beyond the want...the addiction.

Frustration and anger...
Just unresolved feelings toward myself.

A thoughtless coward
I let everything slide...
...in an instant of weakness and loss of judgement
...a moment I can't take back though I've tried.

She's making me wait
And I guess it's my fate for now
To be alone with my worst enemy...
...me.

"Cause you're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything...everything"

"To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do"

"You're winning me over with everything you say
You rip my heart right out
You rip my heart right out
When I let you closer I only want you closer
You rip my heart right out
You rip my heart right out"

"August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodbye
You never know what temporal days may bring"

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to"

"We'll do it all, everything, on our own.
We don't need anything, or anyone.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.
Forget what we're told, before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life."

"All that I am, all that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where, confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all."

"I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here"

"Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess"

"I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind"

"find me here
and speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where I find peace again

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything

and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this yeah

you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
take me deeper now"

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury
or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer

The words are hushed let's not get busted
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered
Safe in here from all the stupid questions
"Hey did you get some?"... Man, that is so dumb
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear
So we can get some"

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want (you) to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

What money can buy...

So, I've compiled a list of things I wanted to purchase and people I need to pay back. But now that I can't remember any of those, I'ma list the fun stuff.

A tattoo. Not sure where, I've wanted one on my lower back for ages. Probably a design of some sort, not words or a picture. I realize certain people think that's trashy...but seeing as I'm not a trashy person...is that even possible?

Possibly a piercing other than my ears of course. I'm thinking maybe my tongue but I so don't know.

Clothes and of course shoes.

"I'll buy a big house where we both could live."

Dogs, maybe one to start with, but at least two in the end. If they aren't both big dogs, one of them has to be at least. There's no way I'm getting just a tiny dog...no way. I don't care if it's a large dog who thinks it's a lapdog, that quality I love.

I suppose that's really it for now. Lol...you'd think it'd be a longer list...but...money doesn't buy happiness such a fucking lie and I am apparently not too hard to please.

Forbidden.

One day it won't be about age, race, gender, upbringing. One day it won't be about rumors, heresay, and suspicions. One day it will be about what you can see, what you experience, what you know yourself. It will be about the person, the good in the person, the love given to and received from the person.

I wish I could say, "don't judge a book by it's cover" just for the simple, "read it your damn self" idea of it all, but I know there are times I read a book because it was recommended. I suppose in a way that could be chalked up to "rumors" and "heresay"?

I've never felt so...I'm not sure what the word is actually. I already had a major issue that needs work, an issue I've been...absent about...but this, this fucking takes the cake.

Before and After

Let's keep in mind that no body work was done, least not in shop body work. My step-dad did clean it up a bit and put a piece back on. And of course the tire rotation put the wheel in the back instead of in the front...wouldn't matter much, he cleaned that up after the rotation, too.

BEFORE:



AFTER:

The World Spins Madly On

Something real, hopefully not a rant or anything crazy, just me and my laptop and my thoughts.

The sky is pale...hint of pink in the clouds, not quite as cotton candy like as they were a few evenings ago, but pretty nonetheless.

Today was a good day though all I really did was work. It dragged on, I was tired, got something like 4 hours of sleep last night and only a bit more than that the night before but somehow I didn't once feel like I was going to fall asleep at work (thankfully). The hours did drag on and on though, but that's how the week's been for the most part. I'm exhausted and rightly so but I'm doing all right.

I want to write, I suppose my post last night was a bit of a poem...but not too sure, I suppose that's up to me ultimately. I remember a year ago feeling the same damn way, frustrated that I couldn't write and that everything seemed so repetitive, but we'll see, I wrote a few lines a few nights ago and maybe they'll turn into something when I devote time to them.

Work's slowed me down a whole lot, I suppose when you spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (occasional overtime as well) stuck somewhere it would slow everything down. The job's good and I'm good at it, heck, my supervisor is still trying to get me a raise already and it's only been a month today (you're not technically even up for the option of a raise until after 90 days, but there's still a chance for me I guess).

My car...my step-dad has actually been taking care of that for me for the most part. Jacked it up and looked at it to see if he knew what damage was done, something about a control arm being bent so one of my wheels was tilted slightly. He even called to speak to the guy we were going to go through for repairs to see if I'd brought it by, later went and talked to the guy after he gave his estimate and ideas on what needed to be done, basically just did what I needed someone to do for me - he stepped in and graciously helped. The last two days he's taken me to and picked me up from work, got up early and everything. Even took it in to get aligned and tires rotated today...now all I have to do is get the windshield replaced (wasn't damaged in the accident of course, those who know me know this already lol).

My mom did chew me out when she first found out about the accident, saying things like, "maybe you shouldn't be allowed to drive" and shit like that, tearing me to shreds and when I couldn't take it anymore, when I felt like a huge child I told asked her if she didn't think I wasn't already pissed off at myself that it even happened...then my cellphone lost the signal and I was afraid she'd think I hung up on her so of course I had to call back and make sure she understood I hadn't...her tone was sweeter, can always count on her to turn so quickly. In all fairness, the very first thing she said after I answered my phone was, "are you okay?" so I can't fault her right off at least. Didn't speak to her until a week later and she talked to me normal, better even, discussed what needed to be done for the car and insurance and all that fun stuff but it went really well...surprisingly.

Hoping to be getting new glasses soon. I only have glasses for reading but they've been the wrong prescription for years and I don't always wear them when I should...*shrugs*. Not sure what style I'm going for now. I kind of want plastic frames but who knows guess I'll have to see what I like and what I look good in? Suggestions?

I want bigger and better things for myself. I deserve bigger and better things...will I allow myself these things? Will I push myself to go after them? God, I hope so.

I'm happy, things could improve in a few areas, but I'm happy. Relieved.

I love you all, just so you know...well you guys all know who you are...if you're some random reader...well there's a good chance that if I knew you I could love you...but this isn't really meant towards you occasional random readers, sorry.

I just want to know, is that too much to ask?

I want to know what's going through your head,
What's got you teary eyed and detached.

I want to know what's going on with them,
What's got them not loving me when I say I love them.

I suppose I've got no legs to stand on.
I can be just as silent, just as unresponsive.

I'm the one to blame for this madness?

You'll tell me when you're ready, I know that,
I hope that...I want that.



I never said I was done.
It never once crossed my fucking mind.
I feel like you're telling me we are.
I feel like you got together and decided neither of you would respond.
I know what you must think of me, how you must feel about me.





I don't understand anything anymore. It's been a fucking year. I've grown, I finally have a job, got my first car accident out of the way...

How did I leave with nothing? Why does it feel like none of it happened? Why do I feel like this is a fucking ritual? I mean...us not talking...it's like a year ago...when we weren't talking.

Fucking phantom limbs.
Fucking SUVs and blind ass retards who don't fucking see them in the other lane.
Fucking dirt taking bullshit...there should be no dirt about this!
Fucking no response cause you don't deserve one!

FUCK.

Slightly intoximicated, feeling like karma's a fucking bitch...and well...just sad. In a "scared of crying" mood cause I don't want to be alone and crying hurts.

Wishing I were rich so I could solve a few problems and live how I want to, free of all this bullshit.

Can't wait to have my hair cut, can't wait for people to stop fucking assuming shit, can't wait for...things.

Thanks for changing your name.

If a picture's worth a thousand words...how many kick me's is this worth?

No one was hurt, but I'm kinda wishing I were dead.

Good friend? Or maybe the world's shittiest person?

So, long time ago I used to pride myself on being a good friend. I was a loyal companion (better than a dog though, I'd like to think) and everything else there ever could be good about a friend. I felt this way up until...mmm...maybe about a year ago when I felt like I betrayed/abandoned all my friends (only three friends...eh, only?!). So this past year I felt like I was becoming the kind of friend I used to be, if not better, smarter about things at least...with the exception of a few minor arguments and very, very rare blowouts everything was going smoothly till about the time I got a job. Now I'm not blaming it all on the job mind you, though I'm sure I did in the beginning but only cause it was the only cause I could think of, not just an excuse.

I know I should be addressing this entire thought to a few very important people, but it's easier for me to show my shame openly apparently. Maybe somewhere deep down I feel like this might redeem me a little, if at all *shrugs* I don't know.

Work is part of it. The first few days, maybe the first week, I felt pretty good, still felt like a pretty awesome, gung-ho friend. This is where I get confused with things and possibly ruin an important friendship. I think I need/needed some sort of break. Something calm and just allowing (not sure if that's going to make sense, I'm doing the best I can).

I met someone and we became fast friends, the closest I've ever gotten to any of my friends in such a short amount of time. She is in no way a replacement for my posse or any member of my posse. I'm in no way done with my posse or any member of said posse. I love you guys so much and I am presently showing it in the worst possible way, I know. The thing I'm so confused about is how the hell did I go from so great with my friends to not even having a full desire to hang out with them? I know the job hasn't quite forced me to grow up, but...did I somehow subconsciously decide I need a break from my friends? My best friends at that?

This new friend...we consider ourselves twins, there's so much we have in common from the flavor of gum we love to how we feel about most things, I mean I've had a lot of similarities with friends that's always bound to happen but this time, I feel as if I've found my double. Yes, it's a new relationship and new relationships sometimes cause us to shy away from everyone else, but I'm worried about where it'll lead. There's no one to blame but myself. I know this. No one in my posse did anything wrong and neither did my new friend. I'm not managing this the best way possible, I'm just sitting back and watching it happen, hoping some clue will pop up for me to follow and that's the most absurd, unfair thing to do to any of my friends, shit, to anyone.

I'm not through with you guys and I'm not sure if that made anything any clearer or what. I love the two of you more than I've been showing lately. All I can do is ask for time and I'm not sure I deserve that. If you're mad at me, you have every right so...don't doubt that (I'm not saying that to get an "I'm not mad at you" out of this, but you tend to question your emotions on occasion...lol...I think we all question your emotions sometimes :P). I know you're hurt by me and I hate that and I'm sorry for that.

I love you two, I'll come around, I promise. You deserve better, you deserve none of this. cloven hoof...

I'd forgotten I had this, forgot I took it even. I'm sorry, but I adore this picture and the subject...no, I'm not refering to the hi-hat. You're beautiful.

I'm afraid...








... of losing.

So, I survived another day, my second day of real work in my entire life. My arm is killing me from yesterday though, and just my tricep on my right arm. A nerve must be pinched in my arm cause my thumb, index finger, middle finger and half of my ring finger have been tingling all freaking day. If the tip of my thumb gets bumped, intense tingle...it's freaking insane and incredibly annoying...and only a slight bit terrifying.

I'm incredibly tired, so much so that my friends think I'm high (seriously folks, no drugs were harmed in the surviving of this day). It's my own doing though, well that and I'm operating on an incredibly bizarre schedule, least to my body and mind it's bizarre...to think, I did it this way so I could keep my social life...night owl by nature, it would have been tons wiser to pick the night shift, but...considering I'd never see anyone...I bit the bullet and took days. Course that is also my fault, I'm the one who'd die without them, I mean...gah, they'd probably say they'd die without me, but my point is, it was my choice, I'm the one who felt desperate at the thought of no real hang time with my friends...course there still would have been the weekends...what the hell?? Eh, no point thinking on it now.

Let's just hope my hand stops tingling cause it's not the greatest sensation in the world.

Watched Mean Creek with my peeps tonight, good movie, sad, but good...not sad in the chick flick sort of way, that's a promise I can make.

WAAAAAAAAH-POW the Cloven Hoof strikes once more!...(with feeling)

So, first day wasn't bad at all...didn't fall asleep until after 3am and had to be up by 7am something...and I'm still awake lol...

Stripped a few screws...but all's well.

So I put some things together for a company called Zonar...programmed some boards (circuit boards) and yeah...my supervisor said I'm doing very well...

Yeah, I don't want to work anymore lol...but, I've already spent my first paycheck in my head.

New red hair...



Last two pics are a tad bright, sorry.







(Look at that cowlick just sticking out there...)

Man, I need a hair cut.

Thought I'd just let you all know I got the job for sure, I start Tuesday morning.

So my group:

The girl who knew too much (but we love her more)
The boy with no tongue (but a lot of heart)
The boy who was meant to be (but he's a McTard...forgive me)

and

me (brand x...they're freckles...apparently they're a curse)

Nobody hurt me, I hurt myself...still.

It kills me that I don't feel the things I remember, it all feels so damn dream like.
As if I was in a coma and I'm just now waking, that this year was me reacquainting myself with the world.
I knew him, he knew me.
I try to force it all back into reality.
I should feel it feel him, feel her but there's nothing there.
All those years, they're just gone.
All these tears, they're all I've got.
There's no documenting any of it and if I don't feel the memories then what is there to hold onto?

They were real, IT was real, we existed.
Now they exist, life moves on, I waste away.

You know enough about it. No matter what though, no amount of knowledge could ever bring you close to being there - NONE. So no matter how many times I go on and on about it, you can only sit there and nod your damn heads, feign interest, feign concern - I'm in it STILL. I'll never get out of my own fucking head.

Apparently it takes me at least one year to process the real brutal shit. Yeah, yeah pat me on the back I got away - from what?? You don't know, you can't tell me.

Won't you just fucking see me?
See and know that I'm falling apart, that I need to be rescued?
That it's easier to be strong and take care of you than sit around and wait for someone to do it for me??

What you're seeing, it's not what you're getting.

**Theme music to all this bullshit - "Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace**

Grazie mille.

Last Tuesday I went on a job interview for a company called TSI (Technical services Inc.). The interview went real well. The company puts circuit boards together and they've got three companies that they put whole products together for as opposed to just making circuit boards.

The woman who interviewed me had me do a mock circuit board, I had to copy the example circuit board as quickly as possible, some of the pieces have to be put in facing certain ways, other than that I just had to get it done. There were about 10 pieces, one was incredibly tiny. She'd given me a pair of pliers but said I could use my fingers if I preferred. Didn't need the pliers at all, not even with the little piece which she pointed out afterwards that she'd never seen anyone put that piece in without the pliers. She seemed shocked at how quickly I'd finished because she said I didn't even look rushed but I'd done a great job and a quick one as well. She said that it was too bad they didn't have an opening in that part of assembly at the time.

She said that she needed to find a few other people to fill some positions but that she really wanted to hire me, not an, "I want to hire you, but..." kind of thing either. I left feeling rather confident.

On Friday I gave her a call back to see if the positions had been filled and she informed me that they had but there was going to be another opening on the 24th but that the company hadn't decided if they wanted to hire internally or find someone new so she said she'd find that out and call me back. Turns out she still wants to hire me and thinks I'd have more fun in whatever position is opening.

I'm nervous as all get out. I'm afraid of her calling tomorrow and saying I've got the job for sure. You'd think I'd be more worried about her not calling, or calling to let me know she doesn't have a place for me. I'm so terrified that I would even back down from the job, decline when she says I'm hired, I'm not stupid enough to do that, but it's been a thought in the back of my mind.

Now, she might not call tomorrow cause she's not sure how soon they're looking to fill the spot, it could be the next day, it could be a few days after that.

Why the fuck am I so scared? Time to stop thinking about it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been really hot here the last few days, was about 90 degrees F at around 5/6pm yesterday. This is a tad odd for us here because August is usually when we experience our hot weather. I've been dying from the heat, but at the same time I'm loving it. Although, my mom's house, which is almost always too cold, is holding so much heat. We've got every window open and a few fans running. This is definitely hot to us western Washington folk, and I'm going to make it a point to acknowledge the fact that I know it's hotter in quite a few other states as well. Sleeping's been harder to do with this heat cause I have to sleep with covers on or I feel naked in a way. Just a sheet over me will not do it, there has to be something I can feel, something heavy-like.

Went swimming yesterday and today and both times we didn't go until the evening which around here would be a stupid thing to do cause it would be cold and pointless but, the water's been great. I started swimming lessons at the age of 3 so I like to think I can swim decently. Over the years though I've given myself a bit of a fear of water, the idea of something grabbing me and pulling me under...all that jazz (hehe, I used to panic about climbing out of the pool, afraid some invisible thing was going to grab my feet as I climbed out. I imagine that anyone who saw me climbing out in a panicked rush got quite a show), not to mention my ears have pressure issues or did anyway whenever I tried to touch the bottom of the 12 foot pool. Well today I tried to get below the surface of the water and swim as far as I could on the one breath. Usually that kind of thing terrifies me, especially in murky lake water, but today I did well. Found out my lung capacity blows massively and that I'm so not in shape. I need more endurance.

Enough with the boring time to sleep I think.

WARNING: long blog ahead

I'm convinced that whoever thought up yard work was really bored at the time. I spent nearly 3 hours raking grass at my dad's house yesterday so I had tons of thinking time even in my exhausted state. It's so goddamn repetitive. The breakdown: Someone cuts the grass, rakes it into a pile (or whatever else) sometimes having to rake it to one spot in order to rake it to another, the grass grows, the grass gets cut, the grass gets raked...WTF!!!?? Even though it's a very redundant task...it's the kind of thing I enjoy doing, at first, or if anything just every so often.

I'm plaguing myself with doubts of how the future is going to turn out. I listen intently to songs and there are things sung that seem so...good...and I get to thinking that what I'm hearing is everyday stuff that I could write. Just tonight I came up with something good but I can make nothing of it, can't take it any further. I tend to write these ideas down more often than not, but they just sit there awaiting completion, an ending that may never come and I can't stand that. I realize there are going to be times where something just can't be finished, but when it becomes a constant...what do I do then? Resign myself to the idea that I won't write anything worthy of my approval ever again?

There are several reasons I feel explain why I haven't really blogged in awhile. One of the ideas is that I'm afraid to say what I might have to say. Worried that people will read and take undue offense, but at the same time, the idea of sharing myself with anyone (through blog form) appeals to me.

Another idea is that I can't even form a single thought. That maybe I really don't have anything worth saying, nothing intellectual, no great insight into anything, much less myself.

I love doing things or saying things or wearing things that have people saying, "you're so cute!" or "you're so adorable!" I mean that in the least egotistical way...I'm going to attempt to explain. I'd much rather hear that I'm adorable as opposed to "you're hot". I'm not comfortable with people saying I'm hot, or I'm beautiful...of course now it sounds as if I hear that all the time...but seriously, and I'm sure those who know me get what I'm saying, on the rare occasions that someone's said that about me...it honestly doesn't feel like a compliment. I really don't know how to make this clear. I feel special and loved and all warm fuzzy when I hear "you're adorable." But when I hear "you're beautiful" it just doesn't feel as if it applies to me...maybe that's it...maybe I feel like they're lying, or that they're saying it cause they feel they have to because in my head I don't feel beautiful... See, there it was, one of my intellectual moments I suppose... I don't like hearing that I'm beautiful because I don't feel like I am. Although now I'm stuck because I don't feel that I'm adorable either, I just feel...here...normal...plain... I have no idea.

I don't entertain grand ideas for too long because I've been disappointed and it's easier to plan for the negative than the positive.

I told someone today that they should lower their standards in a soulmate. Why the hell would I say that??? You should never have to lower your standards, should never feel that you have to. You should always, always strive for what you want...but in the back of my head I'm saying, "strive for what you want but be prepared for disappointment" or in the case of the "lower your standards" conversation...I'm thinking, "prepare to never find the one person who's meant for you".

Too often tonight I said things that had me feeling like a stupid fool of a person...it only struck me because that's not how our dynamic usually works.

Wow, omg, just realized something (apparently my ability to over analyze hasn't fully disappeared). I've come into another group where there was a strong bond between two people, and unintentionally turned the duo into a trio...and torn it all to shreds...or caused it all to crumble at least...fuck me.

Okay, now I've made my head hurt, time to do something simpler.

I'm 24 and I still have a blankie (though no, I don't always call it a blankie, I am more mature than that, most times). I'm convinced that it has something to do with me being a child, grandchild and who knows how much further back, of an addict. Or maybe it's a stability, comfort kind of thing.

I believe in God but I'm not religious. I grew up going to a Catholic church (most of the time forced, what kid wants to sit in church?), was baptized Catholic... There was also a time in my life when my mom became a Mormon and so I was around that religion a bit, was actually forced into attending the LDS (Latter Day Saints...technical name for the mormons...I think) church, was also forced to participate in a family prayer every night before going to bed (forced by my then step-father) if I fought it I was threatened with being grounded.

Punishments I've endured: soap in the mouth, even up until middle school age, my bedroom door has been taken off (middle school and high school age), phone privileges taken away, restricted to a certain time limit, removed from my room...

I don't believe in forcing religion on anyone, informing them about it if they want to hear is always a good idea, in my opinion, but religion by force just doesn't bode well. Discriminating people because of their religion is such a ludicrous idea. I believe in God, if you do too, that's cool, if you don't that's cool too. I'm not even meaning that in a "hey if you don't believe that's fine, but when you wind up damned to hell, don't blame me" kind of way, it's just a simple, "fine, you don't believe, let's move on." Bashing my religion or my beliefs just because you don't believe the same is beyond uncalled for, it's offensive to me. Note: that's not directed at you at all, because we've discussed this, I know better.

I often scare myself with the thought of "what if so and so dies?" but only with people who I consider close to me. I've determined that if my brother (who is younger) were to die I'd be beyond devastated, I think there are at least three other people (my friends) who are very nearly in that category.

I'm usually a neat freak. Sometimes a chaotic room puts me in panic attack mode and just overwhelms me. There are so many places I'd love to clean or organize but part of me worries it would offend when I want to do it just because, not I want to do it because I think someone is a slob. I used to clean my brother's room, my cousins's rooms, used to do a thorough organization of C and C's (the kids I used to "nanny" for) rooms all the time. I get that from my dad...though I'll admit I'm also a slight pack rat which I get from my mom who's far more than a slight pack rat.

When I'm asleep I don't want to wake up, when I'm awake I don't want to go to sleep.

I can ride a bike, two wheels no less...which is probably implied since "bike" is a shortened form of "bicycle" which obviously means two wheels.

I can whistle.

I played softball in the 4th grade in a city league. Centerfield more than anything. Was put in as catcher once...that really didn't work out. I've also played short-stop but only for one part of one game. I was a benchwarmer and I was harassed about this at school.

I ran track in 7th and 8th grade...I wasn't very good. The hardest thing I ran was the 400m. In the 8th grade breathing while I was exerted seemed to become difficult. I think I might have some type of asthma but the doctors I saw later in life found no asthma. I still love the idea of running, especially great distances, but whenever I try to make it a reality I wind up feeling near death within five minutes.

I started TaeKwonDo the summer before my senior year of high school. On our belt ranking system I am (or was) a low-red belt. {System goes as follows, lowest to highest: White, Low-Yellow, Yellow (or High-yellow), Low-Green, Green, Low-Blue, Blue, Low-Red, Red, Recommended Black Belt, 1st Degree Black Belt...and so on} While doing a warm-up I did a kick and landed wrong causing me to sprain my ankle which caused me to be unable to train for awhile... When I first started TKD I made a decision that it was going to be something I followed through with, after I sprained my ankle and couldn't train for a bit I found it hard to get back into the routine of it all and eventually started taking "breaks" more often. A few problems arose and now I no longer train at all.

While training in TKD I learned some ju-jitsu...grappling (not sure if they're meant to be one in the same or not). I wasn't much for learning actual moves I much preferred just going at it and doing whatever I could not to be the one submitting. I used to be rather wiley (sp?) and monkey like. (no, none of that was meant in a sexual way as I'm sure it could appear.)

I hate being hurt, but more than anything I hate knowing I've caused anyone to hurt, offended anyone...even if they're my enemy or anything close to an enemy. I want too much to please everyone and make everyone happy. I'm afraid to commit to certain things because I worry that I'll get to a point where I want to back out but will be too chicken to do so, even when I know it's necessary.

I suppose that's enough for now? I could probably go on and on, surprisingly. Could just make this a "to be continued" sort of thing...whatever.

I think I'm in a bad frame of mind, and it's slipping lower. I want to be rescued. I think my existance is pointless. I feel that the people around me are disappointed in me, or that I will eventually disappoint them - I think they're all better off without me and should run in the opposite direction of me.