I just want to know, is that too much to ask?

I want to know what's going through your head,
What's got you teary eyed and detached.

I want to know what's going on with them,
What's got them not loving me when I say I love them.

I suppose I've got no legs to stand on.
I can be just as silent, just as unresponsive.

I'm the one to blame for this madness?

You'll tell me when you're ready, I know that,
I hope that...I want that.



I never said I was done.
It never once crossed my fucking mind.
I feel like you're telling me we are.
I feel like you got together and decided neither of you would respond.
I know what you must think of me, how you must feel about me.





I don't understand anything anymore. It's been a fucking year. I've grown, I finally have a job, got my first car accident out of the way...

How did I leave with nothing? Why does it feel like none of it happened? Why do I feel like this is a fucking ritual? I mean...us not talking...it's like a year ago...when we weren't talking.

Fucking phantom limbs.
Fucking SUVs and blind ass retards who don't fucking see them in the other lane.
Fucking dirt taking bullshit...there should be no dirt about this!
Fucking no response cause you don't deserve one!

FUCK.

Slightly intoximicated, feeling like karma's a fucking bitch...and well...just sad. In a "scared of crying" mood cause I don't want to be alone and crying hurts.

Wishing I were rich so I could solve a few problems and live how I want to, free of all this bullshit.

Can't wait to have my hair cut, can't wait for people to stop fucking assuming shit, can't wait for...things.

Thanks for changing your name.

If a picture's worth a thousand words...how many kick me's is this worth?

No one was hurt, but I'm kinda wishing I were dead.

Good friend? Or maybe the world's shittiest person?

So, long time ago I used to pride myself on being a good friend. I was a loyal companion (better than a dog though, I'd like to think) and everything else there ever could be good about a friend. I felt this way up until...mmm...maybe about a year ago when I felt like I betrayed/abandoned all my friends (only three friends...eh, only?!). So this past year I felt like I was becoming the kind of friend I used to be, if not better, smarter about things at least...with the exception of a few minor arguments and very, very rare blowouts everything was going smoothly till about the time I got a job. Now I'm not blaming it all on the job mind you, though I'm sure I did in the beginning but only cause it was the only cause I could think of, not just an excuse.

I know I should be addressing this entire thought to a few very important people, but it's easier for me to show my shame openly apparently. Maybe somewhere deep down I feel like this might redeem me a little, if at all *shrugs* I don't know.

Work is part of it. The first few days, maybe the first week, I felt pretty good, still felt like a pretty awesome, gung-ho friend. This is where I get confused with things and possibly ruin an important friendship. I think I need/needed some sort of break. Something calm and just allowing (not sure if that's going to make sense, I'm doing the best I can).

I met someone and we became fast friends, the closest I've ever gotten to any of my friends in such a short amount of time. She is in no way a replacement for my posse or any member of my posse. I'm in no way done with my posse or any member of said posse. I love you guys so much and I am presently showing it in the worst possible way, I know. The thing I'm so confused about is how the hell did I go from so great with my friends to not even having a full desire to hang out with them? I know the job hasn't quite forced me to grow up, but...did I somehow subconsciously decide I need a break from my friends? My best friends at that?

This new friend...we consider ourselves twins, there's so much we have in common from the flavor of gum we love to how we feel about most things, I mean I've had a lot of similarities with friends that's always bound to happen but this time, I feel as if I've found my double. Yes, it's a new relationship and new relationships sometimes cause us to shy away from everyone else, but I'm worried about where it'll lead. There's no one to blame but myself. I know this. No one in my posse did anything wrong and neither did my new friend. I'm not managing this the best way possible, I'm just sitting back and watching it happen, hoping some clue will pop up for me to follow and that's the most absurd, unfair thing to do to any of my friends, shit, to anyone.

I'm not through with you guys and I'm not sure if that made anything any clearer or what. I love the two of you more than I've been showing lately. All I can do is ask for time and I'm not sure I deserve that. If you're mad at me, you have every right so...don't doubt that (I'm not saying that to get an "I'm not mad at you" out of this, but you tend to question your emotions on occasion...lol...I think we all question your emotions sometimes :P). I know you're hurt by me and I hate that and I'm sorry for that.

I love you two, I'll come around, I promise. You deserve better, you deserve none of this. cloven hoof...

I'd forgotten I had this, forgot I took it even. I'm sorry, but I adore this picture and the subject...no, I'm not refering to the hi-hat. You're beautiful.

I'm afraid...








... of losing.

So, I survived another day, my second day of real work in my entire life. My arm is killing me from yesterday though, and just my tricep on my right arm. A nerve must be pinched in my arm cause my thumb, index finger, middle finger and half of my ring finger have been tingling all freaking day. If the tip of my thumb gets bumped, intense tingle...it's freaking insane and incredibly annoying...and only a slight bit terrifying.

I'm incredibly tired, so much so that my friends think I'm high (seriously folks, no drugs were harmed in the surviving of this day). It's my own doing though, well that and I'm operating on an incredibly bizarre schedule, least to my body and mind it's bizarre...to think, I did it this way so I could keep my social life...night owl by nature, it would have been tons wiser to pick the night shift, but...considering I'd never see anyone...I bit the bullet and took days. Course that is also my fault, I'm the one who'd die without them, I mean...gah, they'd probably say they'd die without me, but my point is, it was my choice, I'm the one who felt desperate at the thought of no real hang time with my friends...course there still would have been the weekends...what the hell?? Eh, no point thinking on it now.

Let's just hope my hand stops tingling cause it's not the greatest sensation in the world.

Watched Mean Creek with my peeps tonight, good movie, sad, but good...not sad in the chick flick sort of way, that's a promise I can make.

WAAAAAAAAH-POW the Cloven Hoof strikes once more!...(with feeling)

So, first day wasn't bad at all...didn't fall asleep until after 3am and had to be up by 7am something...and I'm still awake lol...

Stripped a few screws...but all's well.

So I put some things together for a company called Zonar...programmed some boards (circuit boards) and yeah...my supervisor said I'm doing very well...

Yeah, I don't want to work anymore lol...but, I've already spent my first paycheck in my head.