To jump or not to jump, that's not really the question

Here's a test question...

How would you react to me jumping in a puddle of water? (Whether you're right there to receive 'splash' or just there to see it.)

I now have two distinct memories of me jumping in puddles, rather impulsively I might add. One time, years ago, it had been raining, I had just come out of a restaurant with my then best friend and her father. There was a huge puddle, I decided, I had to jump in it, so I did. My jeans seemed to absorb all the water, but it was fun, it was freeing...I was soaked, she didn't get angry, neither did her father, we just laughed. Sure, I had the whole car ride home to soak, but I say it was worth it.

Second memory was just Wednesday night. A few friends and I were coming out of the movie theater (saw The Family Stone, loved it, others disagreed, thought it boring :P) I saw a puddle, ran up to it, paused, readied myself for a jump, and pounced. While two out of the three didn't seem to mind, one decided I had done it purposely to ruin the clothing they were wearing, charged after me with mal-intent, though had no idea what action they were going to take (here's a hint, I don't find that to be a good reaction to my puddle jumping). I had fun.

New Years plans...ugh...I want to hang with my brother, and now that he's of drinking age it could prove to be more fun. He doesn't seem to know what the plans are for N.Y. yet but I've expressed my want to hang with him. I've gotten a semi-invite from my not so legal friends who want me to hang with them. I have to say though, I'd rather not, I would honestly rather hang with my brother or pretend that N.Y. doesn't even exist. (No offense meant to my not so legal friends of course, I love you guys). It's not like I'll have anyone to make out with when the ball drops...never have...as far as I'm concerned it's just another depressing holiday, with potential.

And all this talk of getting older, my birthday's just around the bend. No boyfriend/husband, no children, no...nothing lol. Sad, though I'm in a better place than I was months ago. A lot of talk about memories as well. I've got calender dates coming up that I list as my 'reasons my life began the downward spiral' which is a shortened version of 'reasons my life took the most fucked up turn for the worst when everything seemed to be going to well'...now you know...lol, I never really had a title of course, but man...memories, most of the time mine will just get me in trouble, cause I, like most people (at least I assume) can remember the bad memories better than I can remember the good...we really ought to work on that.

Well, now that I'm rambling and finally tired, I must catch some Z's. Ponder my question, answer if you feel up to it...I'm curious to see who actually belongs in my 'okay, we'll still be friends (for now)' category...just teasing of course, though your answer(s) will be graded...

I feel out of time and unworthy.

Mad World. Awesome song. Not sure if I knew Tears for Fears did it originally, but it seems like a song they'd have done. But I do love the Michael Andrews version, the version I happen to have. Christmas went better than expected, but still, nothing like it used to be, even in comparison with last year. Guess it was time for a change, not sure I like it though.

Change schmange.

Gah, my list of wants and wishes feels as though it would be too long and too undeserved to list so I'm going to skip that, for now, though it's on my mind.

Something Corporate has been my most played band lately. I only have one album, North, and two other songs not on that album, 'Konstantine' and 'Woke Up in a Car'.

I think I'm going to go spend some time with my brother, maybe finish watching Blade with him and play some Xbox...though it is just after 3am. Keeps me from feeling lonely seeing as my nap this afternoon has messed me up I don't feel like laying awake in bed crying or something. It's a good thing he came home, good thing I got sick, well sort of. Kept me from feeling as lonely as I could have, though while I was sick I felt pretty damn alone, but wasn't well enough to think on it too hard and long.

Thanks to those of you well wishers. Happy birthday again Stephanie, glad it went well, glad my phone call was good for you. Merry Christmas (sure this is all late but well meant) to everyone who celebrates it, was good to see that it went better than expected for Mike, Stephanie, and myself, hope it was just as kind if not kinder to everyone else. Thanks Stephanie for the late night/early morning chat we had the other night, was fun to be that silly but understood. Goodnight.

I asked for it...

Well, here I am, semi-recovered from the flu that my brother gifted to me. Now I just have a nice rattling in my chest, and I'm drained of all my energy. Just found my mom's stash (well okay, it's not really a stash) of Vitamin C. And now that things don't taste incredibly disgusting, I'm drinking lots of fluids.

I asked for it. Weeks ago I told Stephanie all the bad things had better get over with finish off this shitty year, and well let's see, what happened after I said that...(1) court, (2) the starter in my car decided it needed to be replaced, (3) I got the flu...the sickest I've been in years and even my lazy ass brother barely took care of me, granted he was sick too, but a day ahead of me on the 'feeling better' scale. Lucky for me there are still a few more days to have shitty things crammed into before the end of this year. So help me, if this year was just a precursor of things to come next year...let's just say, it's not going to be pretty.

Dave wants to come visit me! I'm psyched and worried about the awkwardness. Now only one person who reads this knows who Dave is and I did tell a couple other people, but they were too wrapped up in themselves to listen to me and so that leaves, as I said, one person.

And yes, Michael, I read Intensity, but didn't care to put it on my 'fave' list. And Mike, I'll get around to reading The Taking at some point, I promise, but at present I've started The Key to Midnight and so if any reading gets done, I shall be finishing that one first. I have to ask, what's with all the Michaels? Lol. It's a good thing there are links to individual blog pages and the fact that Michael goes by 'Michael' and Mike goes by 'Mike' is rather helpful. Thanks guys.

I just have to say...

Childhood living is easy to do... (just agreeing, with emphasis)

Recently discovered a cover done by Alicia Keys and Adam Levine (lead singer of Maroon Five) of 'Wild Horses'...I'm partial to the version done by The Sundays. Sadly, I don't like the original much, I've tried to force myself to like it, but alas, I know, it's a sin, I apologize.


Written December 20, 2005

The things I want you could never give-
Rebuild me.

Give me a brain with all the answers
So that I might help anyone and everyone
And not feel the fool.

Give me a heart unbreakable
But ever loving, the blind love that feels no pain,
No guilt, no loss.

Give me the body to encompass a rich soul,
A beauty pleasing to myself,
Accompanied by the ability to love myself for who I am.

I want to know no hurt
And be unable to hurt others.

You can't give me this, no one can.
Sad truths, staring me in the face.
Reality has the last laugh.

I'm tired. My brother woke up sick this morning and now I have this tickle in my throat that will not go away no matter how much apple juice or water I drink. It's so bothersome. Did I just say 'bothersome'? Wow. I took care of him, not much I had to do really, just checked on him when he was awake, got him what he needed/wanted. Felt good to have someone to take care of, to have someone sort of need me. He slept all day anyway, I mean all day.

I have to keep myself distracted/occupied. If I don't do this tragedy will occur. I caught myself several times near tears. This is my first Christmas as an adult, alone. Seemingly alone I suppose, to myself I mean. The first holidays without the family I've lived with for almost 6 years. Now I've basically severed ties with said family, save one person, and that's a weak tie as it is. Crushing blows all around. Sure, my brother's home, love him to death, would do almost anything for him...but he's not feeling alone, maybe missing his girlfriend, but not alone. I was so eager to have an actual person to talk to. His first night back, he was watching the new Batman movie on his computer and I went in to talk to him and got yelled at to shut up...I shouldn't have bugged him during his movie, I know he can't stand it. It stung me, okay, admittedly, I was near tears. Wow, okay saying it like that "I know I shouldn't have bugged him during his movie..." sounds like some abuse victim saying, "I shouldn't have done that, it pissed him off and I made him hit me". That's not quite the correct vibe, I swear it.

I never thought I could actually HATE the holidays. I mean even after my grandpa died, I don't think I hated the holidays. I was reminded by my mom that there was however one aspect of the holidays I hated. The bickering that would always occur when the family got together. Otherwise, Christmas, all the way, loved it, didn't ever want it to end. Games, family, being warm, presents, good food...fuck it, memories + music + my loneliness = me crying. Fuck the holidays, fuck this year, fuck my ability to become a fully capable, functioning human being but not being one. Fuck wild horses, why is there no one telling me they would never leave me? Why is there no one singing to me? Holding me? I need someone. Sure I could survive with no one, but could I survive happily?

Mike, a list of my fave Dean Koontz books, though I'm not sure I've read one that hasn't been a fave (see, I told you I might remember):

• From the Corner of His Eye (awesome!)
• By the Light of the Moon
• Odd Thomas (glad to see there's another book coming out, or is out, I have no idea)
• One Door Away from Heaven
• The Face
• Lightning
• False Memory

Nothing new...yet

Well, not much to report in my ever fading life. Situation with my grandmother could be better, still feel like killing my aunt (whore). We went to court that went by rather quickly, not in our favor so much, but not really in the whore's favor either. I couldn't stop shaking, my legs would tremble all the way up to my body. Another aunt of mine (yes, I have four on my mom's side, the side we're dealing with and one on my dad's side) said it sounded like an anxiety disorder and I should be on Zoloft (however it's spelled). I'm thinking, she's probably right. Every year from 6th grade on, on the first day of school I would feel so incredibly nervous I would almost get sick. Same with any other major or semi-major event. Not to mention that any time I cry real hard (a semi monthly occurance now) my chest hurts like a muthafugga. Same sort of reaction I'd get while working out, thought it was asthma but got tested for that and no sign of it. *Shrugs* Who knows. It's only just progressed to the shakes, it's insane. The day after court my chest hurt so badly. So I'm thinking, yeah, anxiety...would explain a few things.

My brother's coming home for Christmas vacation tonight, I'm excited, but then again, what are we going to do? Spend time in our seperate rooms as usual. Oh well, I love having him home.

Ah, almost forgot, the morning of court I got in my car, turned the key...nothing...the radio worked, but the car didn't even attempt to 'turn over'. Lame. So got it towed later that day, found out the starter needed to be replaced...almost $300 later it's fixed and back home.

Got my hair cut, of course that was back on the 8th, but I never mentioned it. It's all short again, wonder how long I'm going to leave it like this. Especially since one of my aunts (not the whore/bitch) told me my cousin recently asked her if I was gay because I spike my hair. WTF. I mean come on! No, I'm not gay! I got it cut short because I can actually do something with it, plus, it was something new that I had never tried before. I spike it because that's all I can really do with it, and I'm fine with that cause it's not actual spikes, it's mess...it's bed heady...it's fucking cute! I'm C-U-T-E! That's right, I said it, I'm cute. You'd better print this page out cause I may deny this fact later on...no I take that back, I will deny it later. It just so happens that this cousin is one of the daughters of the whore/bitch...she kind of takes after her mother...they're both bitches...my cousin was just more tolerable...was being the operative word.

And here I thought I had nothing to say.

I'm hungry I'm tired...I've screwed up the schedule I achieved...was actually near passing out at about 12-1am the last couple nights, fell asleep with the TV on, which I don't normally like, can't have any noise, though I think I'm needing it for company...sadly. Then I wake up around 8 or 9. If I wake up earlier than that I either force myself back to sleep or I take an hour or so nap. But alas, as I said, I screwed that up tonight. As if my sleeping habits are exciting to anyone. I'm lonely, I'm sick of having no one to cuddle up with, no one to just, hold me, or hell, no one for me to hold, my teddy bear doesn't work, neither does my body pillow. How do people do this? Holidays blow. Yes, Christmas snuck up on me this year. I have one present for one friend, that's it. Nothing for my mom, nothing for my dad (though I have an idea of what to get), nothing for my brother, nothing for either one of my step-parents, nothing for any of my other what 2 friends...I don't even have the energy or holiday spirit to get off my ass to get them anything...I suck, I'm cute (for the moment) but I suck.

Peace out home diggitys, lonely sleep awaits.

Update

So, Lucky's death was mostly his territorial-ass fault and partly Rocky's fault. J e-mailed me and told me the details. Let me give you a bit of background...

Lucky hasn't always been territorial about his food. Sure, he was sometimes very territorial of me, if another dog came near, he got between me and the other dog, even if it wasn't a threat. And more often than not, he would get between me and Rocky. It felt good though, felt protected by my baby. He would also get territorial over dog treats such as bones, even if it had been Rocky's, if it was left alone, and Rocky went back to it, Lucky would jump in there and start a fight. One time they fought over a bone, Rocky got a hole pierced in his ear, right through, no tear, just a hole. It wouldn't stop bleeding for forever.

A few months back, before I moved out, so before Sept., he started to get mean about food. He'd finish his bowl off and head for Rocky's and scare him off from it and eat it all himself. If Rocky so much as went near Lucky another fight would break out. So Lucky was being chained up outside of the yard when it came time to eat and Rocky had free reign of the yard. This is where the story begins. Couple days ago, J had chained Lucky up, put both their bowls down and everything. Rocky was lose because he's trustworthy like that, Lucky's the runner, or was. J was showing Rocky to his food dish, hadn't even turned her back for that long...apparently Rocky went over to see Lucky (he is innocent, likes to lick on Lucky, wasn't after his food I'm sure) and Lucky got territorial. Now one dog being chained and the other not...Rocky also being part pitbull, whether that matters or not...unfair fight. J tried to break it up, got caught in the chain, finally got them apart, had to pull Rocky off Lucky...I'll just quote from here on out...:

"Lucky got beat up pretty bad. His ear was torn and he had several puncture wounds on his back. Rocky had no injuries. I thought I might have broken my finger, but it is just sore and a little bruised. There was blood all over the place and I can still picture them fighting and it was scary as hell. And what was more scary is that if I couldn't get them apart, I think Rocky would have killed him. He wouldn't let go. I was shaking and hyperventulating, and all by myself. I called G at work and told him what happened. He came home and took Lucky to the vet, and they thought it was best if he was put down. I think Rocky might be a little sad. He was so afraid of me when I went in the yard to check to see if he got hurt. I sprayed them both off with the hose to get all the mud and blood off to see if he was hurt, but nothing."

Now, as I've admitted, Rocky became the favorite after we adopted him, but Lucky was still the first. And I know it wasn't Rocky's fault because Lucky's the one who started it, but for fucks sake...I wasn't there. I would have done anything and everything and I'm not saying J didn't but I don't care what would have happened to me, he might still have died, or needed to be put down, but I would have been there. I just can't do it, I keep thinking he must have been so scared afterwards and fuck.

That stupid, stupid dog. This is harder than I thought, to write about this I mean. I already felt guilty, leaving them behind.

I just found out that Lucky died. Sure, he's just a dog, and sure, I haven't seen him too much since I moved out, but he was the first 'Mama's Boy' out of the two. I don't know the details yet, J, couldn't tell me because she was starting to cry, she said she'd email me. My 'baby' died.

Written December 4, 2005
This was just written in the pain of the moment, right here on this blog.

I need someone, I need someone now.
But that's the wrong kind of thinking, I shouldn't need anyone but me,
Right now I'm not the safest company for myself.

I pick up the phone but there's no one to call.
Tears are coming but I'm going to force them back.
Everyone has got their own life and their own things to deal with.

I sit here miles away from being okay,
Shrouding myself in a fake reality to numb the pain,
To focus everything elsewhere; escapism.

My chest aches but I won't let the tears come.
This will make me stronger, but in what sense?
I feel as though I'm always going to feel lonely,
No one is around long enough to quench this need,
But I shouldn't be dependent on anyone but myself.

I'm sick of lonely feelings, sick of hopelessness,
Is there no one who can help me heal?

*songs I was listening to at the moment:
"Forget It" - Breaking Benjamin
"Rain" - Breaking Benjamin
"The World I Know" - Collective Soul
"Bother" - Corey Taylor (Stone Sour)
"Colorblind" - Counting Crows
"Caught in the Sun" - Course of Nature

Wrote this along time ago, well months ago. It was three seperate pieces, I just joined 'em together and tweaked things a bit. So, here it is, fits me for the moment, one of those wonderful moods (yes, that's sarcasm).

Written October 28 & November 1, 2005

Hiding in the familiar,
Cloaked in what I know.
It's not freedom,
I'm not any more liberated than before.

I'm hiding myself in what I think to be safe,
Crippling myself by remaining stagnant.
Too scared to branch out and open up; let go.

All I care about is acting out this agression,
Claw at these walls I've built,
Break the windows that allow all to see into me
And pierce myself with the shards.

I desire to bleed myself free,
Expose this power deep within; flowing under this skin.
My heart feels too much I want to kill it; it's killing me.

I don't know if I like this or not, don't know if it's even blog worthy now that I've been so out of practice. I'm feeling like shit right now and I'm hoping the Nyquil I took will subdue a few of these feelings and force me to sleep.

Written December 3, 2005

He vowed to stay true, but didn't keep his word
Yet I'm the one who's hurt you the most?
I'm torn between saying 'fuck you' and continuing to beg for forgiveness
My intentions, as selfish as they appear, were not to hurt you
You think me unpained when all I have are unhealing wounds

While it was the most needed, it was the hardest decision
Perhaps it was selfish, but unintentially so
I kill myself repetedly thinking of the ones I hurt, especially you

Forgive me for not knowing how to balance everything yet
It's all new footing for me now that I've removed my supports
I lost sleep, shed tears...my penance is on going
Apologies don't seem enough any longer
You still find it too hard to forgive me, but that's my own doing

It's my own fault it got too big for me
I should have endured, shown perseverance
Leaving you was always the thought that made walking away seem impossible
Drawing away from you was the only way I could make it a possible reality
My sincere apologies, you were the one and only person I would have never hurt
I failed you
As a friend, as anything, I failed

More

I love being able to relate to people, but at the same time, I suppose depending on what is being related, I hate it. I mean that I hate knowing someone out there could possibly feel the way I am feeling or worse, because these feelings are no good. These kind of feelings, or worse ones, tend to kill people. Eh, I guess my feelings aren't near that bad cause they haven't killed me yet, or should I say, caused me to kill myself...no matter how I say it, the wording is going to be wrong. I think I have insomnia, no Kris, it's not the game, I wasn't even playing it late last night, wasn't even on the computer, and I still couldn't sleep. I should have been exhausted!

Yes, Stephanie, you're still The One *hug*

More songs to add to my list:

16. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Pretty song, her voice reminds me of someone else's but I cannot for the life of me figure out who I'm thinking of.

17. Another Word for Desperate and Now It's Done - Straylight Run: Just love these songs, fell in love with them the first time I heard them.

18. Dream On - Aerosmith: Come on, it's a classic, you have to love this one...well I won't force you but you have to admit it's awesome.

19. Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick: Reminds me of car rides and Michael getting irritated with hearing it over and over.

20. Bother - Corey Taylor/Stone Sour: This is my song, or one of the many that I feel just is the way I feel, for the most part.

21. Darkness - Disturbed: See, not everything they do is hardcore.

22. Forget It and Rain- Breaking Benjamin: His voice is just beautiful in these songs. I need me a man to sing to me!

23. 6 Underground and Post Modern Sleaze - Sneaker Pimps: As far as I've heard the Sneaker Pimps were only popular when they had this chick as their lead singer, and I so see why. She makes the songs sound hot!

24. This Love - Craig Armstrong ft. Elizabeth Fraser: It's just a beautiful, sad song.

25. Zombie - Cranberries: Who doesn't love this song? Well I'm sure there's someone out there, but I know I love it, the anger...

26. A Pain That I'm Used To - Depeche Mode: While I'll admit the very beginning of the song scares the shit out of me every time I love it, the song that is. The title says it all, well I guess not all but you know what I mean, I hope.

27. Razor - Foo Fighters: "sweet end divine, razor of mine, sweet end divine, razorblade shine" he makes suicide sound pretty, now I'm sure that's not good, but *shrugs* it's still pretty.

28. On the Mend - Foo Fighters: Another pretty one.

29. No Son of Mine - Genesis: 'Nother classic, powerful, just good.

30. Wild Horses - The Sundays: Now I know, it's another cover of a song, but I love this version the best, sorry, not a huge Rolling Stones fan, plus, she makes it sound sooooo much prettier.

Guess 'pretty' was the word of the day...

31. (my dedication to anyone hurting out there and for you Steph) In the Sun - Joseph Arthur: Beautiful song, see, it far surpasses pretty :P. Great song, another I heard on some show and had to have.

My top songs and some other garbage

I'm angry with myself for burying my poetry with this repetative, monotonious 'drivel'. Sure, it's my blog, but I'd rather share my poetry than well, I'm not sure, I guess either way it's me sharing myself. So I thought to myself if I can't express myself through poetry, maybe I'll list my most recently played songs. It's a way to give an idea of how I'm feeling, least to those who might know the songs I list or are interested in finding out about the songs for themselves. These are in no particular order. For those of you new to this blog...and happen to be curious about the poetry, I believe most or all of October was poems, eh, just so you know.

1. You're Beautiful - James Blunt (Really I listened to the whole album but that was just because I just got it and I wanted to check it all out): It's well, beautiful and I already described the way this song made me feel in the last posting.

2. Lux Aeterna- Clint Mansell: once again, previously described. It's also really cool to play when I'm playing W.o.W. and battling stuff...you won't understand unless you've had a similar experience so :P.

3. High & Dry - Radiohead: Marvelous song, it's pretty, it's sad, and what can I say, I love what's his faces voice...yes, I'm not even going to bother looking it up, Cody or Kris, or even Stephanie will probably let me know that his name is Chris. Fave line in the song "all your insides fall to pieces you just sit there wishing you could still make love".

4. Wasted Years - Cold: Just fitting my mood right now, kind of a 'get away from me, I'm bad for you, I'm a waste' song...

5. Cure My Tradgedy (Letter to God) - Cold: Partly makes me think of how I'm feeling for a friend, or how helpless I feel about not being able to do anything for her. "she's broken and I'm far away" and "won't you take and give her pain to me".

6. Suffocate - Cold: I'm not even sure why, perhaps cause I'm on a Cold kick, but I just like the way it sounds. Like the background vocals to the chorus.

7. Imagine - A Perfect Circle: I realize it's a remake and that most times remakes aren't any good, but this version fits my mood. Makes me think of McKenzie in a way that might not be easily described to those who don't know what she's been obsessing over recently and semi-off and on again.

8. Virgin State of Mind - K's Choice: Have to thank Stephanie massively for this song because it's perfect, least to me. I just love it. Love the line "...do you think i'm sexy, do you think i really care".

9. Missing You - Jem: Just loved the song, love her voice.

10. Caught in the Sun - Course of Nature: Heard it on 'Breaking Bonaduce' once and it sounded familiar, loved it, downloaded it (legally).

11. Caught by the River - Doves: It's just pretty sounding.

12. Suicidal Dream - Silverchair: I love it, maybe cause I discovered that I can sing with it well, least in my mind I can. Love their stuff anyway.

13. Motorcycle Drive By - Third Eye Blind: A song from back in the day, least for me, another I discovered I can sing with. Love the line "And there are things that I would like to do that you don't believe in, I would like to build something, but you would never see it happen" it just builds up at that point of the song, or starts to.

14. Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead: Just love the sound of the song.

15. Creep - Radiohead: Can't leave this one off cause it rocks and he says 'fucking' and I love when there's cussing in a song, when it's powerful at least, not when it's like all there is to the song, never then. But it speaks volumes most times when curse words are used properly in a song.

Guess that's it, maybe more later. I actually contimplated creating another blog to either list my poems or another one to list my favorite songs and why, I'm not sure, but the latter seems like an endless project that I would want to reach the end of...which would only frustrate me.

I want to write, I feel the huge need to do it, but can't seem to figure out what to say. I don't want people I care about and love to hurt and when I can't do a single thing to help, feel like I'm making it worse, or have caused the hurt they're going through I die inside. I want to be loved and needed and held. I want someone to miss me while they're gone or while I'm gone. Instead I'm the only one missing anyone and I've given up on that even. Let's hope my selfish moment has passed...

And if anyone's looking for a powerful song, my suggestion is Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell off of the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack. No words, just music, insturmental I suppose. I love it. I told Stephanie it sounded like crying. I guess when I said it what I meant was powerful, my chest is hurting, my soul is dying-crying. I don't know, think what you will. Good luck.

And if you want a truly beautiful song (video is good too, made me feel it was for me) then check out You're Beautiful by James Blunt. I love it, it's pure, it's well, as I said, beautiful. And omg he did a cover of Crowded House's Fall at Your Feet...I truly love this song, and his cover is awesome as well. I'm sorry I might not know that much about artists and music in depth but I love this. Check him out, I think you might find it's worth it. Poetic, beautiful...And his song No Bravery...damn. He might not have the greatest voice, but strangely I love it.

Crowded House rocks my socks off, I don't know how to explain why I even love them, but I do. There was a moment in time when I listened to only their albums for a few days, and every day I would wake up with one of the songs in my head, a different song every day. So odd.