For those of you who like my stuff...some chaos in a relatively small dose...

Written October 31, 2005

Drastic dances and lost second chances
One last kiss, a shaking head, a sigh
No lullaby for me
You're walking away, I know you won't turn back
Slipping away, grasping silence
Empty rooms reverberate feelings
My heart mimics your fallen footsteps
I'm at a loss; don't know how to feel
I know there isn't really anything left to say
Now there's only one, me, and I'm not even whole
I got lost and no importance was placed on making me found
Tip and spill, pour out the sun
Pass it around, let this day be done
I never really cared what I came to be
I was just along for the sick and twisted ride
Heartfelt sins and delicious lies
I hate goodbyes, they can't be undone
Brisk needs fall into slow giving hands
Please remind me of the point
The light can't blind, I turned away long ago
I don't think it's possible to beginning from the end

I don't mean to cover up my shout out to Kenzie or the pictures of my pups, but I got the urge, sorry.

Written October 28, 2005

I want you to find this apology; take it to heart
Think of it as my heart’s dying wish
Its last beats a lament of my lost soul
A perfect child I never was
I wish I could have felt as though that were acceptable

The luster has gone out of this precious gift

Trapped memories in faded photographs serve only as
Reminders of lost moments, forgotten joys
Your eyes were once so full of youthful pride and overflowed with love
Growing older has left me with none of that to hold

Somewhere everything went awry
Reality knocked on the door and stole the show
Your approval could no longer be gained
Nothing I did was right anymore
Like a child I was constantly left standing as you walked away

Disappointment and pain were never my intentions
My attempts fell short and scattered
I serve only as a pathetic reminder of a failure you created
I’m sorry I couldn’t try hard enough

I miss the light in your eyes, the one only I could coax
All the wrongs I couldn’t make right caused it to dim and die
No blame will I place on you, I’ve put you through too much as it is
A few moments more, that’s all I need

This blood coursing through my veins was a gift from you
A gift I shamefully return
My tears fall and flow, soiling the crimson pools at my side
I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more
Another wrong…
Another pathetic attempt...
I love you...
Love me...
Forget me…
Please, forgive me...

I MISS YOU TOO

I miss you too my Kenzie! Big kiss *mwah*

My Babies

Well I just spent some time with my puppies today, it's been a long time, too long even. Rocky (what we think is a mix of chocolate lab and pitbull) and Lucky (what we think is a mix of black lab and husky). Rocky is the youngest and such a momma's boy. He was wandering around the neighborhood one day out of the blue and barking at kids on their bikes. We thought he might be a threat but turned out to be a big baby. Upon closer examination you could see he'd been starved, his ribs were showing through too clearly and he was so skitish around anyone, men especially. Hate to say it, but he's my fave out of the two. Lucky we adopted from someone who couldn't keep him around anymore cause he was too playful with their new puppy. Lucky has two different colored eyes which are so incredibly cool looking but freaky, and the freaky part just overpowers the cool part LOL. They are both such ADD dogs, must be the lab in them. And they both think they're lap dogs, insane. It was so hard to get them to pose for pictures. Man did I miss my boys though. Let's disregard what I look like mmmk?

Me with Rocky

Me with Lucky and Rocky

Man look at those tongues...doggy breath is the worst!!!

To a friend

Written October 18 & 25, 2005

I'm not there for you anymore, was I ever?
I'm a shadow of doubt
You're doing everything on your own now
There is no making good on something that we didn't do

I've loved you all these years
You were the one I wanted to protect
But I only suceeded in hurting you deeper
And pushing you away further

I wasn't the rock that stood firm
I was the pebble that rippled the pond,
The boulder that made the waves
You carry on while I can't let go of the guilt

Every time I drive away it kills me
Like I'm abandoning you
I want to turn the car around to make sure you're okay
I don't want to keep leaving you

The 'Pojo' returneth?

All right as requested I have posted, this makes post numero tres for the night...nothing would be complete without a poem...or at least to me. And I was gently urged to write...(ok so I was commanded to write and that's not anywhere near gentle...) so here it flows...

Written October 18 & 25, 2005

Forgive me Father of all my sins
This is the worst place I've ever been
My flesh is unclean, my heart impure
It's all going to waste

This body houses a weak soul
And the blood in these veins flows thin
Coursing with hate
And I hate because I am what I hate
Running blind, feeling desperate
An unkempt love
A careless child

As our Father who loves all,
You stole from me
Broke my innocent heart
Drained my life's happiness

I forwent an ease into the unfamiliar
No blinders to hide behind
My life was no longer in order
Misery and desperation
Overtook love and youth
To fill and burst my tiny heart

You gave me no hand to hold,
No comfort, only pain
Robbed me blind and left my faith
Dangling on a frayed and unholy thread
A relationship unfounded, ungrounded
Unconditional love met with a child's hate

I want to turn my back, but I know I need you there
I hate while you love
Walk with me silently, there to guide me
I'll return to your grace one day

I knew this would happen

You see, I have this wonderful friend in Tennessee whom I was thinking of posting about seperately, as opposed to including her in the post just before this one, because she does deserve her own seperate recognition and space.

She's definitely one of a kind and the most awesome person I know! Found her through blogger in a round about way and then she disappeared from blogger (her own doing) but I'm lucky enough to get to chat with her most every night and even on the phone, I pity those of you who don't know her. And those of you who do, and are lucky enough to know her semi-well, you know how lucky we are...though we miss reading her daily through blogger...we can of course read her poetry still...http://www.fictionpress.com/~muselee...course I have a lot of trouble getting this link to work, but still that's where it is, no lie, I promise.

She's helped save me in a way, as good friends tend to do; my saving grace. Mayhaps I'm crazy, mayhaps I'm not (I'm hoping for the latter of course) but just because I've never met her, doesn't make her less important to me.

As an addition, I would like to mention that this post doesn't do her justice. So, mayhaps there shall be more at some later date. And she's back :D http://stracciamanici.blogspot.com/

Boom-Bam-Baby!!! (any Emperor's New Groove fans should know what I mean)

Long time no post. I realize. I'm not meaning to neglect of course, I haven't even picked up a pen or typed in my Word program since my last post so no favoritism going on.

Did one of the most odd things in my life last night...recorded a song with Cody (http://havokplayer.blogspot.com). Not sure how I feel bout my voice, I'm not a very good critic of my own things of course, especially when it comes to my voice.

My baby brother turns 21 this weekend...damn. Scares me a bit. Alcholism runs in our family and while I do drink occassionaly I know my limit, or at least I know when I'm drunk and when I should stop. My brother on the other hand says that he can't get drunk no matter how much e drinks. This is what scares me, people can die doing that sort of stupid shit. I'm going to try to be there this weekend when his friends take him out. Picked him up Friday night (roughly 6 hours round trip) just so I could take him home Sunday evening (yet another 6 hours, roughly). Thankfully I had company on the way to get him (Cody, thanks much) and on the way home from dropping him off (Cody, yet again, and MaK {http://www.pockapeacock.blogspot.com/}, thanks guys).

Still being pressed to get a job, understandibly. Though I sort of have one. I suppose it's considered more part time, but still she [my mom] never considered it [babysitting] a job, ever.

Cody's sort of teaching me how to play the guitar, I think at the moment I'm frozen on this, a tad stagnent we'll say. Everything in my life seems to be rather stagnent actually. I'm not writing, not playing, not 'working' in the sense I should be at least, and I wish my bank account were stagnent, least that would mean no activity, i.e. withdrawals and spending lol. For those of you who read me a lot, you might recall a post involving a cracked windshield, that's going to be replaced tomorrow (Tuesday) bit psyched, but then again, it is $50 which is cheaper than a windshield usually costs, but still, there goes my dinero...

Maybe now that I'm posting I'll get the urge to write...who knows, I'm hoping so of course. And yes, this was a bitch on white, sorry bout your eyes :P

Hard Night

Tonight, this morning, whichever, has not been good. Productive, possibly, painful and tearful, extremely. Out of the blue everything came to me, realizations and memories, just bombarding. Dismantling me, disarming me.

Written October 18, 2005

Every tear that falls is another breath she loses,
Every beat of her heart is bringing her closer to the last.
Where do all the memories go, because I’m not ready for the end.
She’s all alone, and she’s not even all there
We’ve been losing pieces of her for years now
And she’s losing herself, her dignity, her pride
A woman once so rock solid
A pillar of insurmountable strength and wisdom
She’s withering away in tired, distorted skin
At times praying for the end
I can’t get over my fear; can’t, won’t
When she’s gone this rotting family will fall apart
She’s the last piece of thread holding these frayed edges together
I avoid her, avoid the death that looms
Like a child she begs me to be the one
I look away in shame; it’s hard enough seeing her so broken
I can’t do it day by day, no matter the pay
If I were unselfish I’d do it for free
But if I were unselfish I’d do it in a heartbeat
These new visions of her cloud the better moments,
The pure memories when she once shined so bright
Even her smile is gone, now it’s so crooked and frightening
They tell her what to do now and she is resented
Perhaps to cover their fear of losing her too
We just leave her there, lonely
Watching the time pass
Papa, I don’t want her to die alone
Papa, forgive me for abandoning her
Papa, I beg, please be with her
Guide her safely

Wow again

Yet another mouther funkin (yes that's on purpose...steph and meg speak) one that almost had me going insane...well I'm shure (again) I'm there...but I'm shure (yet again) wondering where the hell they've all come from, they're just assulating (and again) me like crazy...

Written October 17, 2005

Left alone lost and lonely
Feeling sorry, I cry
I want someone to hold me
I feel like I might die
Left to my own devices again
I keep knocking, but I’m not being let in

I think too much
Open up, let my problems thrive and eat me up
And I drink too much, pour another round
Watch as I beat me up
I can’t hold on
The pain is quicker before the dawn

Surrounded by a deafening silence
It’s all some sort of penance
I’m fighting a losing battle
Trying to kill my memories
Sinking slowly and fading away
Into the din of my restless thoughts
I’m learning more on my own than could possibly be taught

I think too much
Open up, let my problems thrive and eat me up
And I drink too much, pour another round
Watch as I beat me up
I can’t hold on
The pain is quicker before the dawn

My pen and this page are my companions
These songs I sing help me to breathe
The road is rough when you’re your own savior
And you’re left with time to grieve

Wow...

Okay, so I know the words are going to wrap (which is annoying as all hell) but I hope it won't detract or confuse readers. This was quite possibly one of the most difficult things I've written and I'm not even sure why. I always want my stuff to be great, but this, it had to be perfect. It took me what seems like hours, but was probably only one and near the end of it, I was shaking.

Written October 17, 2005

We pick and tear everything apart
All to find the juicy details
Pull them out and put them on display just like ugly entrails
We embellish the plot, spin it all around and watch it go
Feed everyone’s desire to be in the know

It doesn’t matter what’s truth or not
Doesn’t matter who gets hurt, what pain is brought
Build it up and tear them down
Whatever livens up this boring old town

Did you hear about so-and-so,
What they’ve kept hid so well for all these years?
Run and spread the gossipy news, it’s music to these nosey ears
Tongues move quick like slicing blades while the unwilling ‘victim’ is left to bleed
All traces of our conscience and compassion slowly begin to recede

It doesn’t matter what’s truth or not
Doesn’t matter who gets hurt, what pain is brought
Build it up and tear them down
Dance around like an entertaining clown

Badger the ‘witness’ to learn every detail
We’ll turn the truth into something more
These words spread like disease or some sort of lore
Watch as we send the ‘victim’ running in shame
While unknowingly we teach them the meaning of disdain

It doesn’t matter what we caused
Doesn’t matter, we broke no laws
It made us feel good inside
Having brought some drama to our mundane lives

In our hands we sift and meld all the secrets that once were held
With our words we cause much strife
Never worrying if we ruin someone’s life
We worry not about who we hurt; have no conscience about spreading someone’s dirt
As cowards we hide behind our pointed fingers
While in our wake pain and suffering lingers

Written October 15, 2005

You cheat at this game
But it’s my fault for playing along
I should have known better when you hold all the cards
You forget what secrets I hold, but I refuse to play that way anymore
I was stupid to think you’d hold true to your word
When I burnt you it wasn’t to scorn, it was to protect – and not myself
There’s no way to force you to see
Make an ass of yourself, truth shall prevail


I want to get into an already lost fist fight with you,
Just to say I hit you, if only once
To have the pain of hitting you square in the face aching in my knuckles
It’s pointless, I know, but I can dream


You can’t cut me away like dead skin
If you believe everything you hear than you’ve fucked yourself
You’ll get trapped in that spiral and sucked down
I’m not going to bother trying to save you
My words seem to mean nothing to you, perhaps all you see is more lies
No matter what I admit to, no matter the times I apologize, that’s all you’ll ever see
You won’t stop kicking me while I’m down
Even after you apologize you manage to turn your back, again


Rant like an evil tyrant, you’re getting on my nerves
Your voice fills me with an unbearable amount of anger, but I suppress
Strip me of everything I know, I’ll still be here, no matter how broken
Eat your words; I’m not hearing them anymore
This wasn't how I foresaw it, not this much pain
You wanted to end it, I await the day

Rhyming is a bitch and there's more...

I'm not so sure about the whole rhyming thing, but I thought I'd give it a shot; it was a bit of a bitch.

Written October 11, 2005

You need no introduction for you are the terror behind her eyes
You feel nothing and revel in deceitful lies

To onlookers this mess is nothing but a broken child
Who withered away full of unimaginable denial

Though try as she might there was no hope within
For reaching out was unheard of; a sin

To escape the nightmarish realities, she hid deep inside
Full of foolishness and unable to let go, she clung to her pride

Too weak to withstand she slowly drowned in her sorrow
That girl of yesterday is this woman of tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following poems were written a few days ago, I just never got around to finishing and posting them.

Written October 2, 2005

I see the way you look at me now
As though you don't know me
As though you despise me
I don't like how cold your stare has become

Nothing I do is right
And it certainly isn't good enough
I'm tired of working so hard,
Just to get nowhere in your eyes

Disappointment rings in my head
I am all I have to offer,
This is my regret

This bitterness clouds my heart,
I can't forgive myself
All of the things I could have said and done differently
Haunt me like waking nightmares

Forgive me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written October 2 & 13, 2005

I feel so far away from where I belong
It's raining and I'm alone
If only someone felt what I do now

The reflection of my angry eyes
Reminds me of who I am
Nothing true to you
But every part longing to be true to me

I can no longer stop my tongue to spare you,
Will no longer hide
I suppressed too much of myself
All to wrap you up in a lie

If these words weren't meant to be said
Then I wouldn't have them on my mind
It's doubtful that they hurt you more to hear
Than they kill me to say

Our time together has come to an end
Let these words make it final
I can't bring you peace
And I will no longer be your drug

Second homage of the night

Written October 9 & 11, 2005
(for someone very important to me)

Whimsical genius
Could you be more enchanting?

You get into our heads
And dance your way to our hearts
While the Monster within brings us to happy tears

You strive for beauty that you already possess
And coax a smile in the strangest of ways

Inhibitions are stripped and thrown out the window
All because it tickles your fancy

To be happy no matter what is your creed,
An enviable goal which you seem to easily reach
In turn, I hate seeing a frown on your face; it never fits

No matter the insults you throw at yourself, we see you clearly
All who know you as we do are blessed,
Those who don’t will never understand such entertaining beauty
(can I be your F.I.L.F.?)

-Love you my Kenzie

To my baby brother who's all growed up now :(

Written June 19, 2003/January 27 & October 11, 2005

You come to me in need
Desperate for comfort
I would stop the world for you,
Listen as long as you need

But when you dump me,
Just leave me behind
All for a new comfort
I feel left out and unwanted - thrown away
But I guess turnabout is fair play

I regret the past,
For overlooking you
Finally realizing how important you are to me
Too little, too late is my fear

You grew up while I was too busy
I cling to every moment you need me,
To every moment you want to spend with me

Why I ever pushed you away can only be explained as 'what kids do'
You are a rock to me, without you knowing it;
A hero

Baby brother, you've come a long way
You're setting your own course
Full of strength and knowledge; I'm so proud

Together we weathered storms
Seperate we tried to fight anger
Our bond is forever, no matter how far apart
It's one of strength, love, and friendship

You're in my heart forever, I love you

Written October 9, 2005

I want to be the shoulder you cry on
Hold you in a warm embrace
I want to prove to you there are people who won't abandon
That dark pasts can be escaped
Give it time, give me time

I won't allow you to scare me away
You could kick and scream and shove
I'll only come back for more
Hurt my pride, I'll stand strong

You deserve to say your fill
And show what you feel
You stood strong for me, I want to do the same for you
It's give and take

Cry your tears
Spill your fears
I'll be unwavering

Give me your anger
Your hate
Anything to set you free
Let me be there for you, that's all I'm asking

Written October 8, 2005

Striving hard for approval is my meaning
Pacing, I wait for confirmation
I don't exist without your acceptance
With each step I falter
Tripping on my insecurities
Falling into my humiliation

Your expectations demand too much
Each disapproving glare cuts deep inside me
Bleed my hopes and dreams from me
I can't see clearly through this fog of requirement
You leave me with no room to grow
I long to be told that my best, my all, is enough

Each good deed goes unappreciated
While each failure is picked apart and thrown in my face
My longing to be good enough, to please you, shouldn't exist
It wears on me, spreads me thin
Freedom from your boundaries is what I need to survive

Written October 8, 2005

Darkness all around
Comfort and warmth caress me gently
You reach for me with fingertips full of longing and aching desire
Slow and beautiful trespass

Warm lips dancing across my yearning skin
Put your lips to mine
I'll show you I'm ready

I want you to be a part of me
Feel you inside me
Build me up for a sweet release

Move with ease
Not eager for an end
Sweet dance caress me within

Nothing exists but the two of us
No thoughts only movement
Pure and natural
Desires of the flesh
Take from me what you will give in return

This is all I want to know
All that I live for
Pull me close
Sweet loving release
Our gift to each other
Beautiful and complete

Written October 8, 2005

I'm going crazy right now
Let me out of this skin
I feel like I'm dying inside but I don't know how to say it
All of my thoughts are moving too fast; they've blended
I can't stand the sound of my own trite voice
My problems seem to be eating me alive
I half-heartedly claw my way back up
But I'm so willing to fall back down
Back into familiarity and self-defeat
I don't want my miniscule burdens to control me
It feels as though there is no light bright enough to shine through this darkness in me
No breath of fresh air to revive my seeping soul
I'm sucking the life out of myself searching for a safe place to within
A place to hide
Maybe if I find the place that hurts
I can hold it and turn it into pleasure
Surely I could turn it around
I could own it and regain control
Shut it out and never let it back in
I could find a way to free myself

So, it's been forever since I posted anything 'real' as opposed to poetry. I'm not sure I have anything worth saying here actually. Nothing monumental has happened. Living with my mom has gotten better of course she's rarely here during the week so that helps. The one thing I'm not used to and not sure I want to get used to is the fact that the TV is far more important than me, even if the show she's watching is being recorded! I come in the house and there's not one 'hello' at all but in the house I used to live in, 'hello' was the first thing you would here upon entering the house. Made you feel like you were home. I feel like an incompetant child around my mom. I used to always feel that way around her but I'm so not used to it yet. McKenzie mentioned in her blog that she's worried her older sister is loved more than she (McZ) is. I know the feeling. I feel my younger brother is the most loved but I think I've adjusted to it cause I don't feel so crushed thinking about it as I do when it's pointed out in a bragging sort of fashion. I love my brother dearly but he is the smart one, he is the one doing all that was planned for him and expected of him and here I sit...in the same fucking place I was almost 6 years ago. Now I realize it's in my hands to change it, but it still fucking hurts, so please, I don't want to hear how it's in my hands, I know.

Writing, damn I feel like I've rediscovered it. I have a notebook (journal, I don't call it a diary cause that seems too girly and that's not me) full of shit, mostly just entries of times when I was pissed, that's when I wrote when I was upset. There were a few scattered poems here and there, but I just stopped writing, when I had originally written more than once a day. But now I'm writing a lot more lately, only poetry though, as if you loyal readers couldn't figure that one out on your own. It's an awesome drug of mine, writing, I'm addicted and when I can't write I'm so frustrated by that, but I'm adapting. Everytime I do something along the lines of writing or cleaning up the house or anything like that I feel the need for validation and approval. I don't know why for sure. I guess because I always feel like I'm doing the wrong thing and I need help to make sure I'm okay. I dunno, scattered thoughts in my head right now and my fingers can't move correctly and fast enough to get it all out and have it all make sense, so I'm stopping now cause it's frustrating me.

Written October 7, 2005

Comatose
I close my eyes
Feel my body relax
No more cracking under the pressure
Encompassed in a superior heat
Chest pain, but I invite it
My body yearns to shut down
While internally I can't stop moving
My eyes fight a wavering battle with drowsiness
Supress my inhibitions
A glazed stare fading to empty eyes
This was a trip - backwards
I recapture my breath
Slow at first, faster yet
Thoughts consume me easily
I haven't the will to fight now
I seek nothing golden
Shaking now, it will peak and I will fall - further still
Despair pours over me
Pick me up before the pieces are too small
I echo in my own head "you promised"
Cut me off, cut me down from this high
Don't let me close my eyes
The end is near but it's not what I seek

Written October 5, 2005

You touch and tease
Trying to coax this need

Take this desire from me
Unleash it

I'm longing to be bare
To be ravished

This dripping heat
This raw ache

I'm starved for touch
Sensitive to it

Warm my skin with yours
Fill me
Release me

Written September 24 and October 3 & 4 of 2005

I am no good for you
No good to you
An emotional wreck
A one-way street
The back of my hand

I am this pain
This hate is me

It's always about the end
The pain
The fresh marks
Tearing away at my soul
While I sit here and wince
Allowing them to cut me deeper
Rip me apart
Make me scream
Make me cry and beg for the end

I crave this
I want this
I need this

Live for it
Die from it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written September 24 and October 4 of 2005

I torture your soul
All for the bittersweet taste of your tears
This perverse pleasure
Takes ahold of me
You are my victim
I am my target

I attack you all for a scream and
For the return blows
Haunt me, taunt me
Give me what I want

Your pores ooze with fear
I aim for you heart with the nastiest of words
Fight back
Hurt me deeper
It's all I've ever craved
I lust after this destruction

I tear you to pieces
All to destroy myself
When I see my ugliness
Reflected in your eyes, in your tears
I am complete, I am whole

I have to say, this one actually had me complimenting it, I called it beautiful, I'm stunned at myself. Now it wasn't me being big-headed, so please don't take it that way.

Written October 3, 2005

I don't want to wake up anymore
You're not there when I do

I don't want to breathe
It feels so wrong without you

My existence is in vain
A life sought but never gained

Lonely feelings
Death of dread
Tired thoughts swim in my head

You did something to me
Made it possible to exist
Without you, I have nothing left

More poems from last night, well early this morning

Written October 3, 2005

Why do you just sit back and watch me flail?
Does my pain please you?
I don't do this for you
It does this to me
Leaves me trapped
Your puppet with no strings

You could help me up
But you choose to push me lower
You laugh at the writhing pain worn on my face
This is the stuff of your wildest dreams
And of my nightmares

You watch me sink
Not even a sigh is issued from your smiling lips
Seems if I were to fade
You'd cry at the lack of entertainment
Not at the loss of me

If I were to crack a smile
You'd slander me
Remove the ability from me
Tear me down and sink me deeper

Put a hollow tip to my temple
Blow the thought from my brain
This tangent is for you
Nothing more you fucking prick

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're alone
Under that cold slab,
In my head,
Out of reach

What I wouldn't give
But you would never allow it
I know better than that

It's been so long
Am I missed?
You have always been a part of me
I want to make you proud
But I can't do or be what it takes

Nothing I do brings you back
Even after all these years
These tears of mine bring no life

I don't want to wait
Only to discover that was our last hello
And our eternal good-bye

Tonight's Drivel

The following were written October 2, 2005

If I were to kill myself now
You'd have regrets
I'd have freedom
You'd hit the floor in shame
Forgive me
Forget me
A waste of sacred words
Bleed these scars
Tear this heart
Cry not for the loss of me
No more pain in me
But my god, it would pass to you
Is it a risk worthy of the taking?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need you to be with me
Crave my warmth
Touch me tender
Hold me
Don't let the darkness in
Pull me closer
Don't let go
Help me to feel
Give me sight
Before I melt away

Okay and one more...maybe the last one...maybe

Written October 2, 2005

When I'm around you
I'm on edge
Concentrating so hard
I fumble my words

Do you love me as much?
I'm not the perfect one
But I am the first

You're so harsh
I’m so frail
Here we stand again
A second chance?
Or shall I play the old part,
The foolish child once more?

You reprimand my lack of knowledge
You think me petulant
You're so unfeeling
So unkind

If I were to be like you
As a whole
Would you be satisfied?

I would hate every moment
Despise myself
Hide it all?
There’s no way

You’ve imprisoned me in your memory
Holding me as I was, not as I am
Approve of me
Give me strength to know I am loved

Okay and another...I told you guys I wanted to write...


Written October 2, 2005

I'm holding myself
Wanting to rip my hair out
Gouge my hands
Why won't it all flow?
My legs shake beneath me
I want the rain to free me
The more I think
The more the feeling intensifies
My heart pounds beneath this flesh and these bones
I feel as though my soul is trying to escape
It's trapped within me
Like nothing to be described

Won’t you hold my hand and lead me out
Guide me, give me words
Help me fight this demon inside
Free this anger, this self deprecating hate
Tear away my shackles of shame
Let me rage

And directly from my brain, to my fingers, to the keyboard, comes this...of course thanks to the help of the everpowerful, always brilliant Stephanie (thank you, teacher)

Written October 2, 2005

You were stupid
Stupid to have come here
To feel this way
To love me
I'm much too small for this pedestal
I don't want to be seen
Damn you for this feeling
Damn you for wanting me
I want it to be your fault

But I was the one who took your hand
I was the one who asked you to lead the way
The blame rests on me
This fucking trip
I don't want to feel you there
Don't want your presence to remind me
I was stupid, I was foolish
How could I be the trusted one?
Why confide in me?
I'm a beast
Of my own creation
Of my own self hatred

What's going on in my head?

What's going on in my head...what's going on in my head...? I have no idea.

Right now I feel like I'm totally falling apart.

I feel so uncomfortable around my mom, especially when her new husband is around.

I've started two new poems and I know they're nowhere near done and that's frustrating, and I just finished commenting on a friend's blog where she complained of starting new poems and not having more than three lines each and I told her to relax and that it happens to me, but what do I do?

And as I just expressed to a few online friends, I'm feeling rather overwhelmed (and when I hear that word in my head all I can remember is a line from a movie of course I don't remember the name now...'I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?')...anyway, moving on...I'm feeling overwhelmed, I want to listen to every song I love but like all at the same time...and I want to fucking WRITE but I'm STUCK!!!

"These are a few of my favorite things..."

Maybe (since I can't think of anything to write but really want to write) I'll list things I like. I suppose it would be a rather large change from droning on about what's making me miserable and it would be slightly less depressing. And, yes, I do realize most of this is probably in my blog profile...oh well I guess.

• Standing in the rain, regardless of my mood
• People playing with my hair (social grooming *wink*)
• Music (at the moment Jimmy Eat World is my drug of choice, newest album)
• Spooning
• Hanging out and being hyper with friends
• Reading
• Watching movies
• Not fighting with my mom
• Feeling good about myself (rare, but I notice it more when it's a rare thing)
• Being warm
• Eating my dad's yummy food (especially prime rib ooooh and turkey dinner with mashed potatoes...now I'm hungry)
• Spending time with my Hailey or is it Haley (Hey, Lee lol)...either way I love that little girl!
• Being drunk, when it works out in a good manner obviously
• Being complimented
• Feeling secure
• Writing poetry or anything
• Being complimented on my poetry, it's a rush
• Having poems just "fall" right out of my hands and having it be an exhilerating (sp?) experience

Okay, I realize that's not a lot of things, though I suppose it's a good amount, and a good start.